Sans ED

My brother and his girlfriend are here for the weekend
I haven't seen them since Christmas so it really is a treat
They have both always been a massive support to me
All through the drug years
During my eating disorder
And every other little drama that happened in my life
They have been there
It's great that now they get to see in a better place
I wasn't very well the last time they saw me

We spent a lovely time yesterday at Mullaghmore beach
A good time was had by all
Including Honey and Lea
Sans ED

Here is some photographic evidence.......

Honey in the middle of doing a wee!

How do we get in?

What the?

Obligatory selfie

Lea made friends with an Irish Wolfhound called Saibh

She was enormous

She knocked me over

Why do dogs always sniff each others butts?

Cup of tea with Lea

The positives of weight gain

The comments keep coming
I keep being told that I look well
I look healthy
I have improved a lot
I smile and say thank you
I try to take them in the spirit in which they are intended
But I am struggling to accept the compliments
It's hard to hear something positive about myself
When you're sick and underweight people don't comment about your apprearance
People don't know what to say
So they say nothing

I have no idea what my weight is
I am just going by my clothes
They fit the same the last month so I presume that my weight is stable
I know that weight re- gain is an essential part of recovery
You can't have one without the other
But that doesn't make it easy
It's not fun
It's not pretty
It's uncomfortable
It's new
And scary
I don't feel like myself
I feel awkward and cumbersome
Like I engulf anyone that I stand beside
But I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway

In order to make this process a bit easier I need to acknowledge the positives
Of course first and foremost is my mental health
I feel a lot better able to cope with life
My thinking is clearer
My thoughts are not so negative
I can make decisions easier
My mood has drastically improved
I generally feel more positive and hopeful
I can't tell you how much that this means to me
To not feel like I want to die
To opt out of life
I feel like myself for the first time in years
It's a feels like a miracle

My physical health has also improved
I feel stronger
More capable
I used to get so dizzy every time I stood up
I had to grab a wall or a chair
I felt so weak all the time
Everything was an effort
A simple thing like walking up the stairs is now much easier
I can walk my dogs for longer now
I don't need to nap as much
My body seems to be working again
Digestion has improved
My period is back
My hair and skin and nails are a lot healthier
I remember I used to be so tired all the time
I hadn't the energy or the inclination to do anything
People have commented that my eyes look a lot brighter
That I have a glow about me
It's so new to feel and look healthy
I used to be so drawn and pale
I looked sick and I felt sick
But it got to the point when I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
Feeling mentally and physically compromised really take it's toll

Another knock on effect is that my anxiety has improved
I feel much more able to deal with life
I don't feel so overwhelmed and lost
I feel like I have a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
That makes life so much easier and happier

My perception of myself has also changed
I used to be convinced that I was a bas person
That I had nothing to offer
That I was a burden and nothing more
Now I can see that I have value
I do have something to say
And maybe my experiences can help some one else

I also feel like an adult woman now
I used to look and feel like a child
And I had no interest in growing up
That was just too much

Another positive is that my relationship with food has improved
It is by no means perfect
I still purge
I still have to resist the temptation to restrict
But I have relaxed around food
I'm not great at eating meals
And when  do I most always purge
So in alot of ways I am still very eating disordered
And my behaviour around food is not normal
But as I always say baby steps all the way

My relationships have also improved
Because I am no longer so under weight
My family don't have to worry as much
And that in turn makes things easier
I have found that my sense of humour is always there
Without it I would have gone nuts a long time ago
I see my friends now
And that is a huge positive

I just feel alive again
Like I am now living instead of merely existing
Now I have a chance of living a normal and healthy life
And for me that is just the best thing
I feel like me again

So there are positives to weight re gain
I just have to keep reminding myself of them

Before

After

Can you think of anymore?

Beauty queens or bust

I watched a documentary last called Beauty Queens or bust
It followed 4 girls from Wolverhampton as they competed in the Miss Black Country pageant
In the hope of going on to represent England in Miss World
Wolverhampton has an extremely high unemployment rate
With one in four females out of work
The girls competing were hoping to make a better lives for themselves
I guess it's the classic fairytale
To make out
And to make it big

First we met Diamond
Diamond was an extremely pretty 18 year old
Unemployed, she lived in a hostel and was hoping being a beauty queen was her chance to live the life she had always dreamed of



We saw her with her friends
She drank and was loud
But there was something really likeable about her
Something so vulnerable yet so strong
I hoped that she would do well

Then we met Natalie
Natalie was 22 and from Dudley
She had just set up her own 'mobile' hair dressing service
Although technically she wasn't mobile as she had no license
She had failed her test 4 times
Natalie confessed to loving the glamour of pageants
She said she wanted 'a red head from Dudley' to win
She was also very charming



Next we met Ruby
She was 19 and lived at home with her parents
And had worked at a beauty counter in a department store since she was 17
Ruby had always wanted to be a beauty queen
But unlike the other girls she had the financial backing of her family
She also had the most experience of all the girls

Lastly we met Sammy Jo
Also from Dudley Sammy was 19
She had been unemployed for 6 months and lived in a hostel
She survived on £56 per week

The first round of the competition was a 4 minute interview
On the panel were the reigning Miss England and Mr England
Diamond was incredibly nervous
She was asked why she wanted to be Miss Black Country
She said that she wanted to be an example to others in her area
Then she was asked what she was most proud of
She replied that when her 16 year old friend was murdered her and her friend raised money for his funeral
The judges seemed suitably impressed

Sammy Jo also gave a good interview
As did the other girls
And they all got through to the final
Diamond was told she was an inspiration
She got further good news when the council gave her her own one bedroomed flat

In the weeks running up to the final the girls prepared for the pageant
Natalie was paying off her £225 dress in instalments
Diamond borrowed a prom dress from a friend
Ruby had her dress custom made
Sammy Jo couldn't get the £50 entry fee together
She was kicked out of her hostel after an argument with her landlord
And didn't make it to the pageant final

The day of the final arrived
And 23 girls gathered for the pageant in which they competed in rounds such as ball gowns and sports wear
We told that the judges were looking for a natural girl
And they were judged on outfit choice, poise and confidence

The girls waited anxiously as the judges deliberated
Ruby came second
None of the other girls placed
Diamond looked crestfallen
And cried her little heart out
Natalie was pragmatic and vowed to bounce back

At the end of the documentary we were given an update on the girls
Sammy Jo had given up on pageants altogether
Ruby was still following her dreams to become a beauty queen
Natalie finally passed her driving test and was now a fully functioning mobile hairdresser
Ruby had come runner up in Miss Birmingham

I thought the documentary was really good
I love documentaries like this
Where we're given a window in to somebodies world
The girls all had so much personality
And I really wanted them all to do well
They didn't come from the best background
They didn't have money
A lot of them came from troubled upbringings
But they weren't willing to let that stand in the way of their dreams
They wanted the fairytale ending
The wanted the crown and the sash
The big hair and the poofy dress
They worked hard
Apart from Ruby they all desperately struggled for money
But they were all strong and plucky girls
With that much heart I have no doubt that they will reach their dreams

Personally I have never had any interest in entering a beauty pageant
I find then contrived and too focused on appearance
I would like a fairy tale ending
But mine doesn't involve crowns or sashes
My fairy tale ending is just a regular life
Free from anxiety and fear and depression and my ED
My fairy tale ending involves me actually making it out of this thing alive and relatively unscathed
But I wouldn't say no to a Prince Charming.......



Did you see Beauty queens or bust?
What did you think of it?
What does your fairy tale ending involve?

My ideal life......

I have my last Mindfulness course this week
I am sad that it is coming to an end as I really enjoyed it
And it meant spending time with a very good friend
She has been a massive support to me recently

So this week we had homework
Part of the homework was to write out our ideal life
I really had to think about this as I don't let myself think about the future too much
But I had a go
And here is the result.......

My ideal lie is pretty simple and straight forward
I don't want much
I don't want money or material gains
The things I want are the things that most people take for granted

In my ideal life I am clean and sober
And I want to be clean and sober
I am happy to live in reality
I am happy to accept life on life's terms
In my ideal life I am in recovery
I don't deny myself food
And I don't binge and purge
I have a healthy relationship with food
I don't use it as a means of escape or to punish myself with

In my ideal life I am comfortable in my own skin
I accept my body the way it is
I'm not always trying to change it
I don't measure my worth in pounds and ounces
In fact I don't weigh myself at all
I accept my body for the amazing instrument that it is
I don't abuse it
Try to change it
Or punish it

In my ideal life I am not on any medication any more
I am able to handle life's challenges without popping a pill
I am off methadone
And feel no urge to go back using drugs
In my ideal life, although I may still experience anxiety, it doesn't stop me doing what I want to do
It doesn't paralyse me and stop me from living my life

I may also experience fear 
But again it doesn't cripple me
I feel the fear and live my life anyway
In my ideal life I like, love and accept myself for who I am
I am me and that is perfectly ok
I accept that I am not perfect and never will be
And I don't beat myself up for that
I'm kind to myself
I take care of myself
Physically, mentally and spiritually
I'm not so hard on myself
I accept success humbly
And defeat graciously
I know myself well
I know my boundaries
And am not afraid to let others know

In my ideal life I am well enough to be independent 
I have my own little house
A place to call my own
And I am able to manage that
There are lots of animals in my house
Maybe I am a foster carer for abused and homeless animals

I am financially independent
I can take care of myself and all my needs without depending on others
In my ideal life I will have a family
A wonderful partner and maybe some children
Our home will be a happy and safe place
There will be lots of fun and laughter
And everyone is accepted and loved just the way they are

In my ideal life I stop running from myself
I don't feel the need to escape my own head
Because now it is a positive place
A place that I am not afraid of any more
My outlook is positive
I see the good before the bad
The light before the dark
There may be challenges in my life but I feel better equipped to deal with them
I don't feel overwhelmed or afraid
I take life as it comes
And live a full and rich life
I laugh every day and don't take myself too seriously
I'm not obsessed with my own misery
I'm happy and I'm not afraid to be happy
I am me and that is ok

You decide....

I need your help
I'm attending a book reading tonight
My brother is reading
I don't go to many events so  it's a good excuse to get dressed up
Although it won't be at all formal
I still want to look nice
I have a couple of outfits in mind
And I need your help in choosing one
Here are the candidates......

Navy and white floral print dress from Dorothy Perkins

Orange and cream dress from Dorothy Perkins

Which do you think looks better?

I believe......

I believe that people are mostly good

But that hurt people, hurt people

I believe that happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have



I believe that everything happens for a reason



That what you put in you get out

I believe that with every grief joy repays

I believe that everything seems worse at night

That loneliness can kill us



I believe that we are rarely our true selves



But when we are it is truly liberating

I believe that every woman struggles with food in one way or another

That we are all addicted to something



I believe that true friends are hard to find

But when we do we should hang on to them



I believe that we are stronger than we ever realised

That with hope and faith we can overcome anything

I believe that animals have the power to heal us

And they can teach us a lot about ourselves

I believe that if we look we will see signs

And they will help us make the right decision

I believe that I will be ok

Eventually



I believe that things get worse before they get better

But that they will get better

I believe that you have to experience the dark in order to appreciate the light

I believe that writing soothes the soul

That I would be truly lost without it



I believe that I was put on this earth for a purpose

Now I just have to find that purpose

I believe that the truth hurts

But it's essential to hear it

I believe that I will die young

That I won't reach old age

I believe that living in reality scares me

And so I run and run and run......



I believe that good people attract good people

That misery loves company

I believe in Karma

That what goes around comes around



I believe that anything can be solved with a cup of tea and a chat

That we need to listen more

I believe that nothing lasts forever

Even though we want it to

I believe that rules are made to be broken

I believe in everything in moderation

Including moderation

I believe giving up is easier than trying

That living is harder than dying

I believe that I will do something amazing with my life

If I could just get out of my own way

What do you believe?

What's in your handbag?

To give us all a break from the heaviness that is our eating disorders
I thought I would write about something completely different
The contents of my hand bag
Sounds boring?
Well I never know what I am going to find in my handbag when I clean it out
I have found knives
Food
The possibilities are endless
So I thought I would take you on a little tour today

Here's one of my many handbags

It's from River Island (Like a lot of my clothes and things)

It's a bag that you wear across the body

I like this kind of bag as you don't have to worry about it falling off

It's also the perfect size

Not too big and not too small

So let's have a little look inside

First up pens

Mucho pens

I always have loads of pens knocking around

As seen here.....

 My wallet of course
My very beat up pink wallet with a broken clasp
Note to self: Need to buy new wallet

 Lip gloss that I never use but always carry, just in case

 Dentist appointment card (Love my dentist, he is going to fix my horribly broken teeth)

 Headphones - absolutely essential, I would be lost without these

 Notebook - for jotting down thoughts so as not to forget them

Travel pass - Yes I do get free travel

 Make up - Again rarely used but always carried

Perfume - Love this

 Deodorant - Another essential, especially in the summer

 Hairband

 Back up notebook, in case something happens to the first one

 Phone - Which I can never find in my bag when it rings

 Cigarettes- An absolute must

Medication - Another absolute must

So that's the contents of my bag
I was wondering about you
What is in your handbag?
Is it similar to mine?