Doctor day and drama.......

I saw my doctor this morning
As you know I see my doctor every Monday morning
And have done for the last number of years
It's not so much to do with my ED
Although that is part of the reason
It's more to do with the fact that I am on methadone
I am on 22mls now
I started on 80mls 10 years ago
And it's mandatory that I have to go to the doctor every week to get my  script
They won't give more than a week out at any one time

I have mixed emotions about coming off methadone
Part of me is excited to be finally free of it
But another part of me is scared to death that I will relapse
The thing about being on methadone is that if you use heroin on top of it
You won't get any hit off the heroin
Something to do with the opiate receptors in the brain

Because I see my doctor every week
I know him quite well by this stage
And he certainly knows me
He's been one of the nicer doctors I have seen in my life
As I said a few weeks ago
He broke his ankle recently
So the first thing he asked me to do when I walked in to his room was to turn on the light switch
I did
And then told him that he needs a big long stick for things like that
He asked me if my sister had come home
I said that she did
Then asked me how I was
I told him that I have been having some friend drama (More about that later....)
But I said it was good to have problems like that
And not have more serious ones
Like my health
He laughed and told me that I should write about it

It's funny
We rarely talk about medical issues any more
Other things we talked about today were Woody Allen
The World Cup
And another doctor whose father had died
It's nice I guess
We spent so long talking about addiction and EDs
It's refreshing to talk about life
And anything and everything

I mentioned that I am having some friend drama
I won't go in to the details
But I will say that I feel taken advantage of
Used
I think my problem is that I am too soft for my own good
I would do anything for anyone
And some people take advantage of that
This friend is someone that I have known for a long time
And we've been quite close recently
It felt great to have a good friend
To have someone to talk to
To be there
But recently things seem to have disintegrated
She has stopped phoning and texting
And been quite manipulative
I'm not sure what to do
Due to my addiction and ED
I've not had to deal with this kind of thing in a long time
I don't know whether to cut my  losses
Or try and save the friendship
The truth is that people can be mean
It's the reason I isolated myself for so long
I just couldn't deal with this kind of thing
I really don't know what to do
I feel hurt
It makes me want to disconnect from people

I spoke to my mother and my sister about it
The agreed that her behaviour was indeed manipulative
I have to see this friend today to get something off her
And I am dreading it
I really am

But I guess this is part of life
Dealing with people
My Mother said that this is when I need to be strong
And surround myself with positive people
Sometimes I wonder if it's me
Is it something that I am doing
Do I have a sign on my head saying 'Door mat'?
Do I let people walk over me?

I admit that I am a people pleaser
I like to be liked
And probably compromise myself to be liked
I want to belong
And feel accepted
And I want to help people when I can
Maybe I should put myself first a bit more
Maybe I should be a bit tougher
I just hate this shit
Hate the petty drama
Why can't we all just get along?



I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt used by a friend?
How did you deal with it?
Are you a people pleaser?
How do you find the balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself?
Please do let me know

The Kittens

Today was a good day
My sister and I spent some time with our other sister and my nephew
Their cat had 3 beautiful kittens six weeks ago
They are cuteness personified
Their name are Luna, Delilah and Jeiger
Here are some photos from the day..........

I'll drive

What's this?
Girl with eating disorder eats cake?

The sisters

I write.........

I am writing so much on this blog at the moment
I apologise
If this is too much information
If I am boring you
Or if I am driving you nuts with my endless posts
I really do apologise

I feel slightly manic these days (I'm sure this has something to do with my chaotic sleep pattern)
Thoughts are whizzing through my brain at lighting speed
My mouth can't quite keep up with them
Although is tries

I have to write though
I really have to write
It's like word vomit
I can't stop it
I can't seem to slow down
I write to get my thoughts down on paper or keyboard
So they are not cluttering up my mind
I write to drown out the endless noise in my head
I'm not really talking about it
So it leaks out in other ways
I write so I know that I'm not alone
I write in the hope that I will get a comment that says
'I feel like that too'
I write because for those few minutes that I am writing
I feel calm
I come down from my manic state
I write because nothing else soothes my soul (Apart from music)

I write because it gives me something to do
It something I do every day
I like that
It's structure
It gives me purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
I write because if I didn't I fear what my mental state would be like
I've been writing my whole life in one form or another
In notebooks
On this blog
On scraps of paper
In moleskins
My whole life documented from one disaster to another

I write because my memory is so bad (Thank you drug addiction)
That I need to have something to read back on
So I can recall my life
All the little things that have got lost in the sands of time
All the moments I wanted to capture and relive over and over
My childhood
Teenage dramas
Treatment
The only time that isn't documented is my drug addiction
Although maybe that's a good thing
I don't know if I want to remember that time
But part of me does
Because a lot of the time I can't remember if an event actually happened
Or if it was a drug induced dream

I write because I don't like to speak much
I quite shy at heart
With writing I can get it out at my own pace
And it makes more sense

I write to connect with others
To know that there are others like me
To relate and identify
To feel part of something

I write because I love it
That's probably most important
I write for me
Maybe I am too open
Maybe I am too honest
But I know no other way
And I don't see any reason to sugar coat things

I write so I know that I am alive
To read back and seem my life's events
Good or bad
It doesn't really matter

By the way have you heard of iambic pentameter?
My whole family spent yesterday slagging me off because I had never heard of it
Or maybe I had and my pesky short term memory decided that I didn't need that information



I was wondering about you
Why do you write?

Suicidal Blonde, January 21st 2013

I wrote the following post just after I came home from Australia

I found it when I was going through my archives

I don't remember writing it

But I do remember that I was in such a dark place

I think it's good to remind myself where I've come from

But not dwell on it

I really wanted to post it today 

As I want to show you that it is possible to get out

And get out alive

And relatively unscathed

I want you to know that there is always hope

Always

There's always a second chance

And a third

And a fourth

So if you are feeling hopeless today

Just know that people can and do recover

People do live a life beyond ED and addiction

I am trying

Trying to put my life back together

It's not easy
Today was an incredibly tough day
I slept through most of it just so I would have to deal with it
ED can look so tempting some times
But I will keep going froward

But what is the alternative?

I'm home
Back to cold, cold Ireland
I have to admit even though it's freezing it's a relief to get back in to jeans and jumpers
If I never have to get my arms and legs out again it will be too soon
I'm weary from jet lag but I'm kind of enjoying the sleep deprivation
At least I'm feeling something

I've been feeling strange since I came home
I don't know quiet know how to explain it
It's like I'm scared
I have a sense of impending doom
Like something terrible is about to happen
Everything is so overwhelming
From having a shower to leaving the house
Everything is too much
I'm still restricting
It's not good but I can't stop
I'm so afraid of where this is going
I'm literally paralysed with fear
I've thought long and hard about disappearing
Going over it in my head again and again
Trying to find an answer
I'm just so confused
Anxiety and depression are creeping in
I just don't know where to go from here
I want to crawl in to bed and never get up
Maybe I'm just not cut out for life
I'm not robust enough
My mental state is so fragile
Constantly on the verge of tears
Constantly about to break down
I can't handle reality
I can't handle life

I fear for my sanity
I really do
I'm terrified that my mind is breaking
Or that is already has broken
Am I going insane?
Is this what crazy is?
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to fix this
I keep getting sucked back in to this illness
It just won't loosen it's grip on me
And I just don't have the strength to fight anymore
I think back over the last month and I'm not even sure how I got through it
There were days when I thought that I was cracking up
Days I thought would never end
I tried to enjoy myself and I did at times
But my eating disorder was always in the background
Lurking in the shadows
Ready to ruin it all
And it very nearly did

I have to do something about this before it's too late
Something has to change
I'm just going round and around in circles
Have been for years
It's tempting just to give up
To hold up my white flag and surrender
But I have to try just one last time
I owe myself and my family that much
I feel like such a burden on them
Emotionally
Financially
I'm like a child that never grew up
I'm sure they're frustrated
I'm sure they're sick of all this
I know I am
I  just want to give them some peace of mind
I want them not to worry
I want to be able to look after myself without their help
I want to be independent
But my eating disorder keeps me in this child like state
This twilight
This needs to end one way or the other
Or I truly will lose the plot
The last week of my trip I prayed every morning for help to get me through the day
I just didn't know what else to do

Limbo

I saw Mary yesterday
It was a long and difficult session
She weighed me
I really didn't want to do it
I didn't look
But she did tell me my BMI
Another new number
Another reason to run back in to the arms of my ED

We had written out a detailed meal plan last week
She asked me how I had got on with it
The truth was that I barely looked at it
My food has been all over the place
No regular meals
No eating at the table
Lots of purging
My sleep has also descended in to chaos
I haven't been going to bed
And just getting a couple of hours sleep on the couch
I really don't understand why I am doing this
It's crazy behaviour really
And it's just like me
When one area of my life begins to get sorted
I quickly find another behaviour to replace it

Mary suggested some reasons why things may be a bit chaotic
Maybe because my sister is home and everything is changing
Maybe I am anxious because of that
I began to get mildly annoyed when she suggested this
Because I know it's not that
As she talked
I suddenly had an urge to run out of the room
I wouldn't make eye contact
And stared at the scales
Giving it the evil eye
I didn't want to be there
I didn't want to deal with this
I wanted out

Then Mary suggested that we do another meal plan
I just flat refused
I said that there was no point
Because I wouldn't stick to it
Which is the truth
I'll go through the motions with Mary
But the meal plan will never see the light of day
And will live in the bottom of my bag
Until months later when I find it and promptly throw it in the bin

I swear
I can't even tell if I am in recovery or not
I had been doing well
But things seem to be unravelling
The purging is slowly but surely increasing
I haven't been to a meeting in weeks
I'm pulling away from my friends
These should all be red flags
But I manage to convince myself that everything is ok
As long as my weight isn't low
Then everything is ok
I should be ok
I should be in recovery

How often have I fallen in to the trap of thinking that because my weight is ok
Then I should be ok
I look healthy
So I should be healthy
This is exactly the kind of thinking that drives me nuts
I know better than anyone that just because someone isn't underweight
Doesn't mean that they aren't struggling with food
EDs come in all shaped and sizes
And only a very small percentage of people are of a critically low weight
I know this
Yet when it's happening to me
It's harder to believe
Or maybe I've been trying to convince myself that I am in recovery
Maybe I'm not at all?
I just don't know any more

I know that everything doesn't fall in to place at once
I know that I've had my ED for 14 years
And that's not going to right itself in a few short months
I know that my body is still recovering
And could take many more months to recover fully
I know that my mind is far behind my body
And could take years to recover
If it recovers at all
But if this is recovery
Then it's very similar to having as eating disorder
So that make me think that I am not in recovery at all

God when did it all get so complicated
I think that I complicate things
And I've been avoiding telling you that I shoplifted again
Why?
I have no idea
And I have no feeling about it
I just feel, well....
Numb
Disconnected
Not quite here

The thing about having an ED
Or being addicted to drink or drugs
Is that it's a rollercoaster
Extreme highs
Crippling lows
Ups
Downs
Constant drama
Especially with addiction
You can almost get addicted to the drama
Then you try recovery
And it's so different
Instead of the drama
The highs and lows
Everything is on one level
Everything is calm
You could almost say that it's boring
Monotonous
And that takes some getting used to
The quietness
The stillness
The nothingness

I guess I feel like I am in limbo right now
Neither here nor there
Not quite in recovery
But not quite in my addiction/ED either
I have one foot in each
And it's a horrible place to be

I don't know quite where to go from here
If I had more courage
I would throw myself in to recovery
But I don't
So I won't

I remember hearing a statistic once
About recover
One third of people make a complete recovery
One third of people don't recover
And one third of people are somewhere in between
I don't want to be in between
I don't want that
I guess I need to figure out what I do want
Because I really don't know
There are so many 'I don't knows' at the moment
Sometimes I can't work out if I am in good form
Or I am pretending to be in good form

I met a friend from treatment the other day
I was nervous to meet her as I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
I knew she would notice my weight gain
She was honest
She acknowledged that I had put on weight
But just a little
She said it was the best she had ever seen me
That's hard to hear

I have a lot to be grateful for
Maybe I am dwelling too much on the negative
But I have to be honest about where my head is at
I have to be real about where things are at
I'm not looking for perfection
I know that doesn't exist
But I need to make a decision one way or the other
ED or recovery
Surrender or fight
Live or die..........

New walk

Myself, my Mum and my sister and Lea and honey went on  a little adventure today
We had heard about a lovely forest walk about 45 minutes away
So we set off this morning to find it
Me squashed in the back seat with the dogs
My sister driving
And my Mum navigating
We found the forest with little trouble
Honey and Lea were so excited to be in a new place
A good time was had by all

Here's some photos from the day.......

Honey naps on her favourite chair before we go

Lea waits patiently in the car