Dana: The 8 year old anorexic

I watched the documentary Dana: The 8 year old anorexic again recently
The last time I watched it was November 2012
When I wrote this review
I think it's still relevant



I first saw the documentary Dana: The 8 year old anorexic about 4 or 5 years ago
I remember that it affected me massively so I as was apprehensive as to whether to watch it again when I saw it was on last week
I decided to watch it
Dana was a little girl living in the UK
She was just like every other little girl the world over
Except for one thing
At the tender age of 8 she developed anorexia
She described how at first she gave up sweets
Then all junk food
Then meat
Then food altogether
She also exercised to the point of exhaustion
The documentary followed her as she underwent treatment
A 12 week stay at an in patient centre for children with eating disorders called Rhodes Farm
The other girls described the day Dana arrived
'A black car pulled up, 2 people got out and then the screaming began, the new girl is here'
After a bumpy start Dana seemed to settle in very quickly and began to eat straight away
She steadily gained weight
It showed Dana's parents coming to take her out for the day
Part of the deal was that she had to eat a high calorie meal and dessert while out
So determined to pass the test, Dana scraped every last crumb off her plate but when the dessert came she struggled to finish the massive piece of cake and ice cream
I could she that she felt she had to finish every little bit
Her thinking being that if she failed this test, she would have to stay longer in treatment
To my eyes it looked like she was 'eating to get out'
She was questioned as to why she stopped eating but she couldn't really give an answer
The other girls expressed concern  that she was holding all her problems in
That she was putting on a brave face
I would have to agree
Like so many of us, she seemed to be wearing a mask
Pretending that everything is ok when it so obviously isn't
At one point she confessed that she had wanted to die but she didn't say why
Because she was eating and gaining weight, she left Rhodes Farm after 12 weeks
Her mother said she thought Dana was recovered
That this was just a'blip'
I thought this was a bit naive of her to say as this as we can never underestimate the power of this illness
I hope and pray she's right though

Part of me was shocked that Dana developed anorexia so young but part of me wasn't
In this day and age it's near impossible to escape the message that thin equals happiness and success
We see it in magazines, on the tv, on the internet
If Dana was struggling to cope it is easy to see why she turned to food
We are fed the message that losing weigh will solve our problems
Help us become pretty, popular and loved
I think back to my own childhood and I see that at first I turned to food to help me deal with life and as I got older I turned away from it
Too young to take drink or drugs, food is the nearest mood altering chemical to hand
Eating becomes a comfort
Then not eating becomes a comfort

It broke my heart watching this documentary
Dana obviously was in a lot of pain but it was never really explored
To my mind she left Rhodes Farm with the same problems she went in with
The only difference was now she was at a healthy weight
But gaining weight does not mean we are recovered
Yes, it is an essential part of recovery but it is exactly that, part
The real work happens in our minds
Changing our way of thinking
Changing our beliefs about ourselves
Learning to like and accept ourselves no matter what the number on the scale says
You can be a healthy weight but still have a very anorexic way of thinking
As I have often said I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight

One the girls in the documentary was called Georgie
She was painfully honest
She said she looked at other girls leaving Rhodes Farm and she thought they looked fat
She said she liked her bones
Some of the girls described anorexia like another voice in their heads
One that must be obeyed
This is a great description, anorexia is like another person and I guess the reason why so many of us personify it
I call my anorexic voice anamia, a mixture of anorexia and bulimia

Dana is a young teenager now, maybe 15 or 16
I wonder how she is today?
I wonder how all the girls from the documentary are?
The reality is that some of them will have recovered, some of them will still be in their illness and some of them will have died
It's a game of Russian roulette
I hope that because they caught Dana's anorexia so early that she will have a better chance of recovery
But it's sad to think of her having to fight this for the rest of her life
I hope and pray it was, as her mother said, a 'blip' but I fear that it could have been the beginning of a life long battle
For anorexia is very powerful
It is literally a fight for your life
And no one can help
Getting well is solely down to the one person who doesn't want to get well
Getting well physically can take months
Getting well emotionally and mentally can take years
Getting over it completely can take a lifetime
And the cruel thing is we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most, being thin, because we never believe we are thin enough
And like any addiction, there is always the chance of relapse which can hit you like a punch in the stomach
I don't believe we ever fully recover
Again like anyother addiction, it is always there is the background but we learn to manage it
Like taming a wild animal, you can train it but there is always the possibility that it will bite you one day

I thought the documentary was well made and gave a realistic picture of eating disorders and their recovery
But anyone watching could see that Dana was not even nearly recovered
Her mother was so positive and so hopeful and that will help but it won't make Dana better
The only negative about the documentary was that it showed some of the girls weights
I don't need to tell you how triggering that is
When ever I read a book or watch a documentary about eating disorders, I always hone in on the numbers and focus on them and compare myself
I think numbers shouldn't be included as it is not necessary, we don't need to know specific weights

Has anyone else watched this documentary?
What did you think?

It seems..........

It seems that the ones we care for the most hurt us the most
It seems that if you show someone your vulnerable side
They will use it against you
It seems that there was a reason that I isolated myself for so long
It seems that all people are not good and kind
It seems that maybe I am too sensitive for my own good
It seems that I need to toughen up a little
It seems that I need to be careful who I let in to my life
That all is not what it seems........I

Doctor day and drama.......

I saw my doctor this morning
As you know I see my doctor every Monday morning
And have done for the last number of years
It's not so much to do with my ED
Although that is part of the reason
It's more to do with the fact that I am on methadone
I am on 22mls now
I started on 80mls 10 years ago
And it's mandatory that I have to go to the doctor every week to get my  script
They won't give more than a week out at any one time

I have mixed emotions about coming off methadone
Part of me is excited to be finally free of it
But another part of me is scared to death that I will relapse
The thing about being on methadone is that if you use heroin on top of it
You won't get any hit off the heroin
Something to do with the opiate receptors in the brain

Because I see my doctor every week
I know him quite well by this stage
And he certainly knows me
He's been one of the nicer doctors I have seen in my life
As I said a few weeks ago
He broke his ankle recently
So the first thing he asked me to do when I walked in to his room was to turn on the light switch
I did
And then told him that he needs a big long stick for things like that
He asked me if my sister had come home
I said that she did
Then asked me how I was
I told him that I have been having some friend drama (More about that later....)
But I said it was good to have problems like that
And not have more serious ones
Like my health
He laughed and told me that I should write about it

It's funny
We rarely talk about medical issues any more
Other things we talked about today were Woody Allen
The World Cup
And another doctor whose father had died
It's nice I guess
We spent so long talking about addiction and EDs
It's refreshing to talk about life
And anything and everything

I mentioned that I am having some friend drama
I won't go in to the details
But I will say that I feel taken advantage of
Used
I think my problem is that I am too soft for my own good
I would do anything for anyone
And some people take advantage of that
This friend is someone that I have known for a long time
And we've been quite close recently
It felt great to have a good friend
To have someone to talk to
To be there
But recently things seem to have disintegrated
She has stopped phoning and texting
And been quite manipulative
I'm not sure what to do
Due to my addiction and ED
I've not had to deal with this kind of thing in a long time
I don't know whether to cut my  losses
Or try and save the friendship
The truth is that people can be mean
It's the reason I isolated myself for so long
I just couldn't deal with this kind of thing
I really don't know what to do
I feel hurt
It makes me want to disconnect from people

I spoke to my mother and my sister about it
The agreed that her behaviour was indeed manipulative
I have to see this friend today to get something off her
And I am dreading it
I really am

But I guess this is part of life
Dealing with people
My Mother said that this is when I need to be strong
And surround myself with positive people
Sometimes I wonder if it's me
Is it something that I am doing
Do I have a sign on my head saying 'Door mat'?
Do I let people walk over me?

I admit that I am a people pleaser
I like to be liked
And probably compromise myself to be liked
I want to belong
And feel accepted
And I want to help people when I can
Maybe I should put myself first a bit more
Maybe I should be a bit tougher
I just hate this shit
Hate the petty drama
Why can't we all just get along?



I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt used by a friend?
How did you deal with it?
Are you a people pleaser?
How do you find the balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself?
Please do let me know

The Kittens

Today was a good day
My sister and I spent some time with our other sister and my nephew
Their cat had 3 beautiful kittens six weeks ago
They are cuteness personified
Their name are Luna, Delilah and Jeiger
Here are some photos from the day..........

I'll drive

What's this?
Girl with eating disorder eats cake?

The sisters

I write.........

I am writing so much on this blog at the moment
I apologise
If this is too much information
If I am boring you
Or if I am driving you nuts with my endless posts
I really do apologise

I feel slightly manic these days (I'm sure this has something to do with my chaotic sleep pattern)
Thoughts are whizzing through my brain at lighting speed
My mouth can't quite keep up with them
Although is tries

I have to write though
I really have to write
It's like word vomit
I can't stop it
I can't seem to slow down
I write to get my thoughts down on paper or keyboard
So they are not cluttering up my mind
I write to drown out the endless noise in my head
I'm not really talking about it
So it leaks out in other ways
I write so I know that I'm not alone
I write in the hope that I will get a comment that says
'I feel like that too'
I write because for those few minutes that I am writing
I feel calm
I come down from my manic state
I write because nothing else soothes my soul (Apart from music)

I write because it gives me something to do
It something I do every day
I like that
It's structure
It gives me purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
I write because if I didn't I fear what my mental state would be like
I've been writing my whole life in one form or another
In notebooks
On this blog
On scraps of paper
In moleskins
My whole life documented from one disaster to another

I write because my memory is so bad (Thank you drug addiction)
That I need to have something to read back on
So I can recall my life
All the little things that have got lost in the sands of time
All the moments I wanted to capture and relive over and over
My childhood
Teenage dramas
Treatment
The only time that isn't documented is my drug addiction
Although maybe that's a good thing
I don't know if I want to remember that time
But part of me does
Because a lot of the time I can't remember if an event actually happened
Or if it was a drug induced dream

I write because I don't like to speak much
I quite shy at heart
With writing I can get it out at my own pace
And it makes more sense

I write to connect with others
To know that there are others like me
To relate and identify
To feel part of something

I write because I love it
That's probably most important
I write for me
Maybe I am too open
Maybe I am too honest
But I know no other way
And I don't see any reason to sugar coat things

I write so I know that I am alive
To read back and seem my life's events
Good or bad
It doesn't really matter

By the way have you heard of iambic pentameter?
My whole family spent yesterday slagging me off because I had never heard of it
Or maybe I had and my pesky short term memory decided that I didn't need that information



I was wondering about you
Why do you write?