Labels

For the longest time I defined myself by the labels that had been put on me by the professionals
Drug addict
Eating disordered
Anorectic
Bulimic
Depressive
Anxious
I was little more than a collection of diagnosis
A bundle of medical terms
Somehow I got lost in the midst of these labels

The drugs came first
I was 14 when I took drugs for the first time
Now that seems so very young
My nephew is 14 next month
And I can't imagine him using drugs
It's extremely young
I was in such a hurry to grow up
I did every thing at a very young age
Drinking
Drugging
Losing my virginity
All these rites of passage that were boxes that needed to be ticked

The drugs got out of hand very quickly
And everything spun out of control
But I was in denial
I truly believed that I could stop when ever I wanted to
I  just didn't want to

I deliberately sough out people who were known drug users
The boy I had a crush on fascinated me because he was known to use a lot of drugs
It was almost like I wanted to be an addict
I wanted to live life on the edge
I was seduced by the drama
Life in the fast lane
I wanted to push the boundaries
Rebel I guess
But heroin is a powerful drug
It brings grown men to their knees
So you can imagine what it did to a naive young girl like me

All the while I was using drugs
My eating disorder was silently developing
I went in to hospital to do my first drug detox when I was 19
I had stopped eating completely by this stage
It was then that I was told that I had anorexia
I refused to believe it
I refused to acknowledge that not only did I have a serious drug problem
But I had an eating disorder too
I was heavily in denial
And did every thing I could to convince myself, staff and my family that I was ok
Even though my weight was incredibly low
Even though I was purging
And hiding food in my locker
I just couldn't get my head around it
I was supposed to go to a treatment centre after I was detoxed
But they refused to take me due to my failing physical health
I was discharged from hospital
And relapsed just hours later

I continued on using and not eating for the next few years
In 2004 I went to London to do a detox before going in to treatment in Dublin
In the treatment centre I was again told that I had anorexia
This time I couldn't really deny it
As there was a girl there who also had an ED
And I was just like her
It was a relief to finally admit it
But it was yet another label

It is only now years later that I am beginning to see that I am more than these labels
And they don't define me
They are not who I am
They are who I was
Today I am much more
I am a daughter
A sister
An auntie
A dog owner
A writer
A reader
A dancer
A friend
A music lover
So many things

It is only now that I am getting to know myself
My likes and dislikes
My opinions and views
What makes me tick
Growing up and all through my addiction
I didn't know myself at all
I didn't know what music I liked
What clothes I liked
Nothing
I was so eager to be liked and accepted
That I liked whatever you liked
I wore the clothes I saw you wearing
I agreed with you
Never disagreed with you
I changed myself to fit in with who ever I was it
I had no clue who Ruby is

I guess it is fun and exciting to find out who I am
I know a few things about myself
That I adore animals
I love to dance
And write
And read
I have a dark sense of humour
And can be very sarcastic
I love clothes
It's only very recently that I found my own style
Before then I just wore what I saw you wearing
Now I know that I like surfer type clothes
Colourful hoodies
Skinny jeans
Leggings
I paint my finger nails bright colours
Dye my hair blonde
And wear very little make up

Now I know that I like to around people that make me laugh
I used to be a night owl
Now I am a morning person
I am a tea drinker rather than a coffee drinker
I love spicy food
I like to cook
Bring my dogs for long walks on the beach
I know that I need to write for my own sanity
That I am too soft for my own good
I am a people pleaser
That one is hard to get rid of
As I have got older I have mellowed a lot
I used to be quite volatile and loved an argument
Now I know that I don't need to fight to be heard
And you catch more flies with honey
I now know what music I like
What films I want to see
I know that I now want to live
I am sick and tired of living a half life

There is still loads to find out
And I intend to have a lot of fun finding these things out



What about you
Do you think that you know yourself well?
Have you been defined by labels in your life?

Dana: The 8 year old anorexic

I watched the documentary Dana: The 8 year old anorexic again recently
The last time I watched it was November 2012
When I wrote this review
I think it's still relevant



I first saw the documentary Dana: The 8 year old anorexic about 4 or 5 years ago
I remember that it affected me massively so I as was apprehensive as to whether to watch it again when I saw it was on last week
I decided to watch it
Dana was a little girl living in the UK
She was just like every other little girl the world over
Except for one thing
At the tender age of 8 she developed anorexia
She described how at first she gave up sweets
Then all junk food
Then meat
Then food altogether
She also exercised to the point of exhaustion
The documentary followed her as she underwent treatment
A 12 week stay at an in patient centre for children with eating disorders called Rhodes Farm
The other girls described the day Dana arrived
'A black car pulled up, 2 people got out and then the screaming began, the new girl is here'
After a bumpy start Dana seemed to settle in very quickly and began to eat straight away
She steadily gained weight
It showed Dana's parents coming to take her out for the day
Part of the deal was that she had to eat a high calorie meal and dessert while out
So determined to pass the test, Dana scraped every last crumb off her plate but when the dessert came she struggled to finish the massive piece of cake and ice cream
I could she that she felt she had to finish every little bit
Her thinking being that if she failed this test, she would have to stay longer in treatment
To my eyes it looked like she was 'eating to get out'
She was questioned as to why she stopped eating but she couldn't really give an answer
The other girls expressed concern  that she was holding all her problems in
That she was putting on a brave face
I would have to agree
Like so many of us, she seemed to be wearing a mask
Pretending that everything is ok when it so obviously isn't
At one point she confessed that she had wanted to die but she didn't say why
Because she was eating and gaining weight, she left Rhodes Farm after 12 weeks
Her mother said she thought Dana was recovered
That this was just a'blip'
I thought this was a bit naive of her to say as this as we can never underestimate the power of this illness
I hope and pray she's right though

Part of me was shocked that Dana developed anorexia so young but part of me wasn't
In this day and age it's near impossible to escape the message that thin equals happiness and success
We see it in magazines, on the tv, on the internet
If Dana was struggling to cope it is easy to see why she turned to food
We are fed the message that losing weigh will solve our problems
Help us become pretty, popular and loved
I think back to my own childhood and I see that at first I turned to food to help me deal with life and as I got older I turned away from it
Too young to take drink or drugs, food is the nearest mood altering chemical to hand
Eating becomes a comfort
Then not eating becomes a comfort

It broke my heart watching this documentary
Dana obviously was in a lot of pain but it was never really explored
To my mind she left Rhodes Farm with the same problems she went in with
The only difference was now she was at a healthy weight
But gaining weight does not mean we are recovered
Yes, it is an essential part of recovery but it is exactly that, part
The real work happens in our minds
Changing our way of thinking
Changing our beliefs about ourselves
Learning to like and accept ourselves no matter what the number on the scale says
You can be a healthy weight but still have a very anorexic way of thinking
As I have often said I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest weight

One the girls in the documentary was called Georgie
She was painfully honest
She said she looked at other girls leaving Rhodes Farm and she thought they looked fat
She said she liked her bones
Some of the girls described anorexia like another voice in their heads
One that must be obeyed
This is a great description, anorexia is like another person and I guess the reason why so many of us personify it
I call my anorexic voice anamia, a mixture of anorexia and bulimia

Dana is a young teenager now, maybe 15 or 16
I wonder how she is today?
I wonder how all the girls from the documentary are?
The reality is that some of them will have recovered, some of them will still be in their illness and some of them will have died
It's a game of Russian roulette
I hope that because they caught Dana's anorexia so early that she will have a better chance of recovery
But it's sad to think of her having to fight this for the rest of her life
I hope and pray it was, as her mother said, a 'blip' but I fear that it could have been the beginning of a life long battle
For anorexia is very powerful
It is literally a fight for your life
And no one can help
Getting well is solely down to the one person who doesn't want to get well
Getting well physically can take months
Getting well emotionally and mentally can take years
Getting over it completely can take a lifetime
And the cruel thing is we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most, being thin, because we never believe we are thin enough
And like any addiction, there is always the chance of relapse which can hit you like a punch in the stomach
I don't believe we ever fully recover
Again like anyother addiction, it is always there is the background but we learn to manage it
Like taming a wild animal, you can train it but there is always the possibility that it will bite you one day

I thought the documentary was well made and gave a realistic picture of eating disorders and their recovery
But anyone watching could see that Dana was not even nearly recovered
Her mother was so positive and so hopeful and that will help but it won't make Dana better
The only negative about the documentary was that it showed some of the girls weights
I don't need to tell you how triggering that is
When ever I read a book or watch a documentary about eating disorders, I always hone in on the numbers and focus on them and compare myself
I think numbers shouldn't be included as it is not necessary, we don't need to know specific weights

Has anyone else watched this documentary?
What did you think?

It seems..........

It seems that the ones we care for the most hurt us the most
It seems that if you show someone your vulnerable side
They will use it against you
It seems that there was a reason that I isolated myself for so long
It seems that all people are not good and kind
It seems that maybe I am too sensitive for my own good
It seems that I need to toughen up a little
It seems that I need to be careful who I let in to my life
That all is not what it seems........I

Doctor day and drama.......

I saw my doctor this morning
As you know I see my doctor every Monday morning
And have done for the last number of years
It's not so much to do with my ED
Although that is part of the reason
It's more to do with the fact that I am on methadone
I am on 22mls now
I started on 80mls 10 years ago
And it's mandatory that I have to go to the doctor every week to get my  script
They won't give more than a week out at any one time

I have mixed emotions about coming off methadone
Part of me is excited to be finally free of it
But another part of me is scared to death that I will relapse
The thing about being on methadone is that if you use heroin on top of it
You won't get any hit off the heroin
Something to do with the opiate receptors in the brain

Because I see my doctor every week
I know him quite well by this stage
And he certainly knows me
He's been one of the nicer doctors I have seen in my life
As I said a few weeks ago
He broke his ankle recently
So the first thing he asked me to do when I walked in to his room was to turn on the light switch
I did
And then told him that he needs a big long stick for things like that
He asked me if my sister had come home
I said that she did
Then asked me how I was
I told him that I have been having some friend drama (More about that later....)
But I said it was good to have problems like that
And not have more serious ones
Like my health
He laughed and told me that I should write about it

It's funny
We rarely talk about medical issues any more
Other things we talked about today were Woody Allen
The World Cup
And another doctor whose father had died
It's nice I guess
We spent so long talking about addiction and EDs
It's refreshing to talk about life
And anything and everything

I mentioned that I am having some friend drama
I won't go in to the details
But I will say that I feel taken advantage of
Used
I think my problem is that I am too soft for my own good
I would do anything for anyone
And some people take advantage of that
This friend is someone that I have known for a long time
And we've been quite close recently
It felt great to have a good friend
To have someone to talk to
To be there
But recently things seem to have disintegrated
She has stopped phoning and texting
And been quite manipulative
I'm not sure what to do
Due to my addiction and ED
I've not had to deal with this kind of thing in a long time
I don't know whether to cut my  losses
Or try and save the friendship
The truth is that people can be mean
It's the reason I isolated myself for so long
I just couldn't deal with this kind of thing
I really don't know what to do
I feel hurt
It makes me want to disconnect from people

I spoke to my mother and my sister about it
The agreed that her behaviour was indeed manipulative
I have to see this friend today to get something off her
And I am dreading it
I really am

But I guess this is part of life
Dealing with people
My Mother said that this is when I need to be strong
And surround myself with positive people
Sometimes I wonder if it's me
Is it something that I am doing
Do I have a sign on my head saying 'Door mat'?
Do I let people walk over me?

I admit that I am a people pleaser
I like to be liked
And probably compromise myself to be liked
I want to belong
And feel accepted
And I want to help people when I can
Maybe I should put myself first a bit more
Maybe I should be a bit tougher
I just hate this shit
Hate the petty drama
Why can't we all just get along?



I was wondering about you
Have you ever felt used by a friend?
How did you deal with it?
Are you a people pleaser?
How do you find the balance between pleasing others and pleasing yourself?
Please do let me know