Rituals

I just published a post
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious  drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say

The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things

You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin

I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment

I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way

I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that

I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know

Strandhill on Sunday

After swimming this morning
I spent a lovely day in Strandhill with my Mum, my sister
And of course Honey and Lea
Who are never far from my side
We walked the beach
Went to the craft fair
And went for tea
It was a day well spent
Here is photographic record of the day..........

Out and about

I did something this morning that I haven't done in years
Excluding last week when I had to do it because Honey was drowning
Yes, I went swimming
I've had my swimming bag packed for months
But I only worked up the courage to go  today
And that was mostly because my sister went with me

My first challenge was to de-fuzz my body
I don't tend to get my body out very much so there was much de-fuzzing to be done
Then my dilemma was what to wear swimming
I went through my wardrobe and found various options
A navy bikini
A white and navy striped bikini
A pair of blue swimming togs
And a nice sleek pair of black Speedos
I also took rashie and a pair of little shorts out
What to wear, what to wear?
I finally decided on the black Speedos as they were the least conspicuous
We had a quick cuppa
And then it was off to the pool

As a child/teenager I was a member of the local swimming club
And swam competitively for my county
I lived in the pool
I swam before school
After school
I loved it
But then when I turned 15 I started to smoke and drink
And generally act the maggot
I quickly lost interest in my beloved swimming
Since then I have rarely swam
Up until today that is

We arrived at the pool
I invested in a good pair of goggles
We changed and ventured out in to the pool area
Thankfully it was early and we were the first ones there
I avoided any mirrors
As I afraid that if I saw my almost naked body
I might run screaming from the building

I waded in to the water
It was warm
I immediately felt at home
It felt amazing
The water supports me no matter what my body weight
Weight ceases to have any meaning when you are in the water
We swam for about half an hour
Then the place started to be invaded by children
So we headed for the sauna before calling it a day

I felt so good after wards
Even if the chlorine did strip a layer of skin off me
I can't wait to go again
And again
 And again........

Sorry no swimming photos
The blogosphere is not ready to see my partially naked body
But here is one of me and my sister taken after said swimming

N

I had an unexpected phone call yesterday
I looked at my phone to see who was calling
And I was delighted to see the name Nicola on the screen
Nicola is a girl that I was in treatment with before Christmas
She had been on the programme about a week before I came in
I remember the first day I saw her
She was pacing up and down the hall
And I thought that she was so very thin
She spoke to everyone she passed
Had a huge smile
I knew immediately that I would like her

As I unpacked my clothes in my new room
She stuck her head in the door
She came in and sat on my bed as we introduced ourselves
I remember giving her a big hug within minutes of meeting her
We became firm friends fast
She was like a breath of fresh air
So friendly
Everyone loved her
It was hard not to

I remember one evening she asked me to straighten her hair
I brought my GHD down to her room
And we chatted as I did her hair
We both agreed her hair looked really good straight
It wasn't until I went to plug out the straightener that I realised that it wasn't even turned on
We laughed and laughed until our sides hurt
The first time I had laughed in ages
Nicola left soon after that
I remember I was heart broken

I answered the phone and it was so good to hear that familiar voice
We picked up exactly where we had left off
I was delighted to hear that she is doing really well
And I was so glad to be able to report to her that I am doing quite well too
We chatted for a while
And are making plans to meet up in the next couple of weeks
I am so looking forward to that

I've met so many girls in treatment over the years
Only very few have I stayed in contact with
But they are have a special place in my heart
In treatment bonds are made very quickly
I guess because having an ED in common means you have a million other things in common
We went through so much together in treatment
We laughed
Cried
Held each other
Walked endless laps of the grounds
Drank copious amounts of tea and coffee
Chain smoked in the dingy little smoking room
But we also competed with each other
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Not every girl is like this
But the majority are
It's not a personal thing
It's part of the disorder
And I think this is the reason that I never did well in treatment
In fact any time I was in treatment
I lost weight
And purged more

It's incredibly difficult to be around other eating disordered girls all day every day
Inevitably you feel like the fattest one there
And that is tough going
I just couldn't let myself gain weight
I couldn't let go of the perceived control that I had
Any time that I have re-gained weight
I have done it from home
I'm sure that treatment does work for some
I've seen it work
But those people had to be incredibly strong
And put their recovery first
The girls that I have seen do well are those that were part of the group
But also very much did their own thing
They didn't get caught up in the politics and drama of the group
And with a group of girls
There is always drama

I'm really looking forward to meeting Nicola
We even talked about doing something nice like a spa treatment
Something to treat ourselves
But of course the elephant in the room (Pardon the pun) is the fact that I am considerably bigger than the last time she saw me
Even though I know she will be nothing but happy for me that I am healthier
I still worry what she will think
I shouldn't worry really
But I wonder what she will think of me
It won't stop me going though
Just try and stop me

3 words

Someone asked me recently if I could describe myself in 3 words
I think those 3 words could change every day but today they would be

1. Stubborn

2. Hyper

3. Grateful

What are  3 words that describe you today?

Let's go to the movies.......

I love films
My whole family love films
We talk about them a lot
Watch a lot of films
So I was thinking what is my all time favourite film
I couldn't narrow it down to just one
So I will go with my top 5
In no particular order........

1. Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
Made in 1962
A psychological thriller starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford
This is quite a dark film about 2 sisters living together
Who used to be actresses
I first saw this film as a young teenager
And have loved it ever since




2. The Lost Boys
Made in 1987
Directed by Joel Shumacher
Starring  Diane Wiest, Jason Patric, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim
Two brothers who move to a new town are convinced that it is frequented by vampires
Again I first saw this film as a young teenager
I guess you would call it a cult classic
I love films about vampires
And this is one of the best




3. Requiem for a dream
Made in 2000
Directed by Darren Aronofsky
Starring Jared Leto, Ellen Burnstyn and Jennifer Connolly
This is an incredibly dark and harrowing film about addiction and it effects the lives of those addicted and their families
Even though it is a brilliant film, I haven't been able to watch it in a long time as it is just too upsetting




4. Sideways
Made in 2004
Directed by Alexander Payne
Starring Paul Giamatti, Sandra Oh, Thomas Hayden Church and Virginia Madsen
'Two middle aged men, who have not much to show for life, embark on an adventure through California's wine country, just as one is about to walk down the aisle'
This film is hilarious
I've watched it so many time




5. One flew over the cuckoos nest
Made in 1975
Directed by Milos Forman
Starring Jack Nickolson and Louise Fletcher
Nicholson plays McMurphy who is admitted to a psychiatric hospital
A brash rebel, he rallies the other patients to take on the oppressive head nurse
I have seen this film so many times
And it gets better and better every time



Other films that I love are...
The Godfather
Dazed and Confused
The Shining
Gone with the wind
Trainspotting
Rachel getting married
I could go on and on........

I was wondering about you
What is your all time favourite film?
Or your top 5? 

In your dreams

My sleep continues to be a problem
I'm not going to bed at all
And just napping on the couch
It means that I am sleeping during the day
Which also means  that my food is all over the place

I was talking with my sister yesterday
And she asked me if I am having bad dreams
Then it occurred to me that yes, I actually am having bad dreams
Horrible dreams
I have recurring dream that I am using drugs with my ex-boyfriend
And they are very graphic dreams
Where I actually use the drugs
I always wake up in a panic
Thinking that I have used
It's such a relief to realise it was just a dream
I used to have this dream from time to time
But now I have it almost every night
And it's becoming distressing
Maybe this is the reason that I don't want to go to sleep?

I looked up these dream meanings
But the meanings are very subjective
They could mean different things to different people

Recurring dreams points to unresolved issues, negative thinking patterns, unhealthy behaviours or unexpressed emotions in your waking life

Ex partner dreams
To see an ex-partner usually represents a personality trait in yourself based on whatever quality or memory stands out most about that person. Ex-partners are very open symbols that are based completely on your most honest memories and feelings about them. Ask yourself what's the first thing that pops in your head when you think about that person. 

Alternatively, an ex-partner may reflect a bad habit or a failure you're experiencing. They may also represent the return of a recurring problem. If you really don't like your ex they may reflect a negative situation that is repeating itself in your life. Ex's can also reflect the re-experiencing of breakups or unpleasant relationship scenarios. 

Ex-partners can sometimes be a sign that you are unconsciously repeating bad habits or that your falling into the trap of dating someone who is just like your ex. 

If you still have feelings for your ex then they may symbolize your lingering desire for them. They could also represent your desire for something in life you really want, but feel is unattainable. A certain type of experience you want, but feel is not possible. 


I couldn't really find a proper explanation of a drug dream
At least one that made sense to me
But it must mean something
I'm pretty sure that it doesn't mean that I want to use drugs
As I am not thinking about them or craving them
But there is part of me that thinks I may relapse in the future
So maybe that is something

As regards my ex boyfriend
I haven't seen or spoken to him in years
And I have no desire to
Our relationship wasn't a typical one
We were both addicted to drugs
So we weren't doing things like going out for dinner or going to the movies
We bought drugs
And did drugs
And that was about the height of it

So I guess it's up to me to find out the true meaning of this dream
It could be unresolved issues
I know I felt a lot of guilt when I moved away from my old town and boyfriend
I was lucky enough to be starting a new life
And he was stuck in the old one

My addiction was also when  my eating disorder started too
When I was using I stayed in my boyfriends house
There was never a scrap of food in the house
And because we were using 
We never really ate any way
When the drugs ran out
I went home to recharge my batteries
There was lots of lovely food in the house
And I felt so overwhelmed by it all
I also felt so guilty that I had food and my ex-boyfriend didn't
He was also very skinny
And I always felt that I was bigger than him
I really wasn't but I felt like that at the time

I guess what I need to do is sort out all these issues in my head
Talk about them to someone
Or write them down
Get them out of my head
I suppose I do have unresolved issues
And I need to make sense of them
I'm not looking forward to delving in to my past
But if it means that I get these horrible dreams sorted
Then I will do that

I remember when I was in treatment 
There was a sign on the wall that said

'Those who do not examine their past are doomed to repeat it'

It makes sense I think



I was wondering about you
Do you ever experience recurring dreams?
Do you know what your dreams mean?
I'd love to know