Blogging

Is it just me or is the blogosphere very quiet at the moment?
I cleaned up my blog list
And so many bloggers have disappeared
Where have they gone?
Did they recover?
I hope so
I truly hope so
I hope they told their ED to f**k right off
But the reality is that some will have got well
Some will still be in the horror that is their ED
And just can't bring themselves to write about it anymore
And some may have died
That is the harsh reality

But for every blog that disappears
Two new ones pop up
I feel very ambivalent about this
It's lovely to make new friends here
But I also hate to see more girls suffering
Living in the twilight that is this illness
Some are so very young
It's so sad

I have a friend who thinks that ED blogging is very unhealthy
She thinks that behaviours get rewarded here with comments
She is also very cynical about comments that express love
I think that she has a point
Blogging about our EDs can be very unhealthy
It can keep us locked in to the disorder
Or should I say it keeps me locked in
Not only do I think about my ED all day
But I write about it too
It's never far from my thoughts
It can be an obsession
I know very few things capture my attention the way my ED does
And 9 out of 10 posts on this blog are eating disordered related

So is it unhealthy to blog about EDs
The honest answer is I'm not sure
I know people who have fully recovered and still blog daily about their ED
And I know some very ill people who do the same
I guess the difference is your mindset
And why you are writing about it

For me blogging has mostly been a healthy experience
I know better than to read blogs that trigger me
And have had to unfollow a lot of blogs
I write my version of living with an ED
And trying to recover
I don't condone EDs
I am not pro ana or any thing like it
I write about my experiences
I tell my story as best I can
In the hope that it will help someone

As I said
I tried to take a break from blogging
But it didn't last
I need to write
I need to feel a connection with others
I love to get feedback
I love to give feedback
So I guess I will blog as long as it continues to help me and others

I was wondering about you
What is your experience of blogging?
Has it been helpful/unhelpful?
How so?

Normal service will resume shortly

So yes I am back
After all of 36 hours
I tried to take a break from blogging before
And I couldn't do it
I even set up a different blog over on Wordpress last year
In an attempt to kick start my recovery
Then the lovely Angharad and myself collaborated on a blog called Partners in Crime over on WP
But  I always felt pulled back to this blog
I always came back here
Maybe because this is where it all started
Maybe because I know all of you
What ever the reason 
And then she disappeared will always have a special place in my heart

My computer is completely playing up today
It's impossible to type
So I will go and try and sort it out
And get back to you with a proper post later in the day
So yes
Normal service will resume shortly.....

Back

So my break lasted all of 36 hours
I couldn't stay away
Normal service resumes tomorrow
I'm back.........

See you on the flip side

I've decided to take a break from blogging
I've been thinking about it for a while
And I think it's something that I really need to do
For myself
To sort my head
To figure out what I am doing and where I am going
I just feel so all over the place at the moment
My food is suffering
I think I'm losing weight again
I need to get back on track
Get my priorities straight
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do things
Exercise
Go on outings with my sister
Even blogging
I am pushing myself hard
I need to have a breather
And take some time for me

I don't know when I will be back
Maybe a few days
Maybe a few weeks
But I will be back for sure

In the mean time if you need to contact me please do
I will always reply
So take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
I will be thinking of you

All my love,

Ruby x

Confession time

Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with my self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up

Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?

I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'

The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop

But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby

Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up

And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying

I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behaviour confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me?

It's been really hard to write this post
As I am worried about what people will think of me
Will you think any less of me?
But I have to write it
I have to be honest
And I have to tell on my ED
Because I have no doubt that this is part of my ED
I know it is
But knowing that does not ease my guilt
I still think I am just a bad person
Please tell me I am not a bad person

HELP!!!!!!

Rituals

I just published a post
Then promptly deleted it
It was pretentious  drivel
Indulging my eating disorder
Feeling sorry for myself
'Looking for notice' as my mother would say

The truth is that yes, I did sleep the whole day away today
No, I did not overuse my meds
I was just so over tired from my exertions over the last week
I have been doing a lot
And I love that now I am doing much more
But my body can't keep up with my brain
I need to feed my body more
So I can do these things

You see
My problem is that I can't eat outside of my house
Correction
I can eat
But my ED won't let me
When I eat at home
It is like a ritual
A ceremony
I use certain cups
Plates
And cutlery
If I am on my own in the house
I set everything up in the sitting room
My cup in it's place
A tray for my plate
Salt and pepper (Because I am a salt and pepper addict)
I put in my favourite tv programme
And let the ceremony begin

I eat things in a certain way
A certain amount of bites
Then a drink
Add salt
Add pepper
Every move carefully co-ordinated for maximum enjoyment

I like eating on my own
I like not having to make polite conversation at the table
I find it quite hard to eat around others
I just don't enjoy my food in the same way

I know it is quite eating disordered to eat this way
That it is normal to eat at the table with others
But it is an effort for me to do that

I was wondering about you
Do you have food rituals and habits like me?
Do you eat on your own or with others?
I'd love to know

Strandhill on Sunday

After swimming this morning
I spent a lovely day in Strandhill with my Mum, my sister
And of course Honey and Lea
Who are never far from my side
We walked the beach
Went to the craft fair
And went for tea
It was a day well spent
Here is photographic record of the day..........