Live and Learn

I turn 33 in a couple of months

It's very strange to think of that

I have the body and the face of a woman in her thirties

But that's about it

I haven't really grown up or matured in any other way

I'm sure this has something to do with the fact that I started drinking and drugging so young

And developing anorexia/bulimia kept me in a child like state 

Both physically and mentally

I would say that I have the mental age of about 16

Right when I started using drugs heavily

I feel like a teenager

All moody and hormones flying all over the place

I can be very immature too

I haven't really gone through all the mile stones and rites of passage that young adults do

I haven't been to college or university

I haven't travelled much

I haven't developed as my own person

I guess I don't know myself very well

I don't know what my opinions and views are

For a long time I just agreed with who ever I was with

I just wanted so desperately to fit in and belong

To be liked

So that meant liking what you liked

Dressing the way you dress

Agreeing with what ever you said

I remember when I moved to Dublin

I wanted to be accepted so much that I acquired a Dublin accent

It is only now at the age of 32 that I am starting to get to know myself

It is only now that I realise that I don't have to be liked by everyone

I don't have to please everyone

It's ok to have my own views and opinions

And just because we don't agree doesn't mean that we can't get along

It's healthy to disagree and have opposing views

I guess I was a people pleaser

I think this stems from being bullied as a child

I lived in a small town

And my parents were both teachers in schools in the town

Because of this I was a target for bullies

My mother taught in school that was considered quite rough

I got a really hard time from some of the students from that school

It wasn't really serious

General teasing and slagging

But it made my life a misery

It seems that I have been bullied in one way or another my whole life

So I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me

I set to make sure that everyone would like me

I wanted to be the perfect person

But of course that is impossible

Because of the bullying

I started profiling people

And putting them in categories

People I felt comfortable enough around to be myself

People I felt intimidated by

People who I wanted to like me

People I admired

People who I scared me

I still do this automatically

But not as much as I used to

For the longest time not being liked was the worst thing that I could think of

If someone didn't like me

I took it incredibly personally

And analysed the situation to death

It's only now that I am learning and accepting that it's ok not to be liked by everyone

In fact it's impossible to be liked by everyone

And that's ok

I am ok

I am enough

Just the way I am

That is massive for me to realise

That I don't have to try and impress people in order for them to like me

I don't have to lie to make myself more interesting

I don't have to people please

I just have to be me

If you like me

That's great

If you don't

That's ok too

I am only just getting to know myself

I have a lot of work to do

A lot of growing up to do

I guess I live quite a sheltered and protected life

My Mother said to me yesterday that I need to toughen up a bit

And not to beat myself up so much

I am a big softie

Although I do have an inner bitch that I unleash now and again

Usually at the most inappropriate time

Sometimes I wonder if I let people take advantage of me

And use me

Because I don't speak up for myself enough

I put my own needs last

In real life I am quite shy

I only really open up if I know you well

Take my sister for instance

We get on really well

And laugh all the time

I can be my crazy bat shit self around her

And she doesn't bat an eyelid

But generally I hold back around people

And suppress my personality a lot

Because I want to liked

I want to fit in

I would so love to be able to be myself more

The reason I love writing and blogging so much

Is that I would much rather write than speak

With writing I can get my words out at my own pace

I can think about what I want to say

And choose my words carefully

I feel much more able to express myself with writing

In real life I have a very quiet voice

And can be not heard or overlooked

That doesn't happen with writing

I guess this is all part of life

And recovery

I live and learn

I make mistakes

And experience setbacks

And that's ok

It's all part of it

It's ok to mess up

It's ok to try and fail

It's ok to make mistakes

The trick is to learn from them

I happen to be someone that has made a lot of mistakes in life

But then I am the type of person who has to learn the hard way

You can't tell me

I have to experience it for myself

For a long time I believed that I was a bad person

And I still do to a certain extent

It seems that I store up all the bad things that I have done in my life

And file them under 'Ruby is a bad person' in the back of my head

I pull it out regularly and give myself a good beating

I'm still not sure if I am a good person or not

I know that I want to be a good person

I want to do the right thing

Make good choices

And lead a good life

But no body is perfect

I am not perfect

And I have to accept that

Life will throw me curve balls

It will deal me some dodgy cards

I will mess up

I will do and say the wrong thing sometimes

And that's ok

It's ok

I'm not sure if this post made a lot of sense

But I needed to write this today

I need to know that I am ok

That everything is exactly as it should be

I am doing the best I can

Considering what I have been through in life

I am not doing too badly

Not too shabby at all

How to get a bikini body........

Blogging

Is it just me or is the blogosphere very quiet at the moment?
I cleaned up my blog list
And so many bloggers have disappeared
Where have they gone?
Did they recover?
I hope so
I truly hope so
I hope they told their ED to f**k right off
But the reality is that some will have got well
Some will still be in the horror that is their ED
And just can't bring themselves to write about it anymore
And some may have died
That is the harsh reality

But for every blog that disappears
Two new ones pop up
I feel very ambivalent about this
It's lovely to make new friends here
But I also hate to see more girls suffering
Living in the twilight that is this illness
Some are so very young
It's so sad

I have a friend who thinks that ED blogging is very unhealthy
She thinks that behaviours get rewarded here with comments
She is also very cynical about comments that express love
I think that she has a point
Blogging about our EDs can be very unhealthy
It can keep us locked in to the disorder
Or should I say it keeps me locked in
Not only do I think about my ED all day
But I write about it too
It's never far from my thoughts
It can be an obsession
I know very few things capture my attention the way my ED does
And 9 out of 10 posts on this blog are eating disordered related

So is it unhealthy to blog about EDs
The honest answer is I'm not sure
I know people who have fully recovered and still blog daily about their ED
And I know some very ill people who do the same
I guess the difference is your mindset
And why you are writing about it

For me blogging has mostly been a healthy experience
I know better than to read blogs that trigger me
And have had to unfollow a lot of blogs
I write my version of living with an ED
And trying to recover
I don't condone EDs
I am not pro ana or any thing like it
I write about my experiences
I tell my story as best I can
In the hope that it will help someone

As I said
I tried to take a break from blogging
But it didn't last
I need to write
I need to feel a connection with others
I love to get feedback
I love to give feedback
So I guess I will blog as long as it continues to help me and others

I was wondering about you
What is your experience of blogging?
Has it been helpful/unhelpful?
How so?

Normal service will resume shortly

So yes I am back
After all of 36 hours
I tried to take a break from blogging before
And I couldn't do it
I even set up a different blog over on Wordpress last year
In an attempt to kick start my recovery
Then the lovely Angharad and myself collaborated on a blog called Partners in Crime over on WP
But  I always felt pulled back to this blog
I always came back here
Maybe because this is where it all started
Maybe because I know all of you
What ever the reason 
And then she disappeared will always have a special place in my heart

My computer is completely playing up today
It's impossible to type
So I will go and try and sort it out
And get back to you with a proper post later in the day
So yes
Normal service will resume shortly.....

Back

So my break lasted all of 36 hours
I couldn't stay away
Normal service resumes tomorrow
I'm back.........

See you on the flip side

I've decided to take a break from blogging
I've been thinking about it for a while
And I think it's something that I really need to do
For myself
To sort my head
To figure out what I am doing and where I am going
I just feel so all over the place at the moment
My food is suffering
I think I'm losing weight again
I need to get back on track
Get my priorities straight
I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do things
Exercise
Go on outings with my sister
Even blogging
I am pushing myself hard
I need to have a breather
And take some time for me

I don't know when I will be back
Maybe a few days
Maybe a few weeks
But I will be back for sure

In the mean time if you need to contact me please do
I will always reply
So take care of yourselves
Be kind to yourselves
I will be thinking of you

All my love,

Ruby x

Confession time

Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with my self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up

Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?

I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'

The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop

But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby

Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up

And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying

I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behaviour confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me?

It's been really hard to write this post
As I am worried about what people will think of me
Will you think any less of me?
But I have to write it
I have to be honest
And I have to tell on my ED
Because I have no doubt that this is part of my ED
I know it is
But knowing that does not ease my guilt
I still think I am just a bad person
Please tell me I am not a bad person

HELP!!!!!!