March - August

These photos were taken in March
Just after I came home from treatment
I remember taking them
I looked at them and came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I could hardly bear to look at them
But now when I look at them
I can see how underweight I was
I can see how frail and pale and lifeless I was
It's scary to think that I have put on over 15kg since then
I wonder where I have put it all
Because I am still a size 8

My body image has improved in recent months
But I still have days when I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
I still have days when I trying  on clothes endless amounts of time
Because I can't find anything that doesn't make me look fat
It took me quite a few months to get used to this body
And it's ok
It's ok
I'm ok
Just the way I am

As I've said before
I compare my size a lot to others
And I have been comparing myself to my sister
She is a size 12 (UK)
To my eating disordered eyes
We are pretty much the same size
But to my sister
She looks bigger
And my mother
I think she is so tiny
But when she tries on my clothes
They are too small for her
This is very confusing
Because I can't trust my own eyes
My own judgement about what size I am

I am so tempted to weigh myself
I know what weight my sister is
So if I work my own weight out from that
I have an idea of what I weigh
But I could be way off
Something is stopping me from weighing
So I'm not going to

I've re-gained the weight quite quickly
I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing
Whatever
It's done now
And I am managing to live my life in my new body


I don't have any up to date photos of myself
As I have lost my camera charger
So I have no camera
But here are some from London

Bulimia in men

A  mental health writer called Laura Johnson contacted me recently
She has written an article on bulimia in men
I am sharing it here as I thought that readers of this blog would be interested in
I forget sometimes that men are effected by this illness
As it is predominantly a female affliction

Here is the article
Let me know what you think

Finding the Best Anorexia, Bulimia and Eating Disorder Treatment for Men

Anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders are generally viewed by society as women’s illnesses, but a large number of men also suffer from these harmful disorders. According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), 10 million men in the United States will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lives, and 10 percent of all eating disorder sufferers that receive help from mental health professionals are male.
Although some men feel embarrassed or reluctant to get help, finding an appropriate treatment option is absolutely essential. Treatment options are varied, ranging from intensive inpatient programs to support groups and nutrition counseling. Use these facts and figures to find the best eating disorder treatment for your situation.

Do Men Need Treatment for Eating Disorders?

No matter how strong men feel, their eating disorders are just as dangerous as those that impact women. Psychologists agree that men’s eating disorders are generally indistinguishable from women’s eating disorders in a clinical sense.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness as stated in the American Journal of Psychiatry; however, according to the International Journal of Eating Disorders, only 1 in 10 sufferers of either gender receives treatment. No matter how severe the condition, those suffering from binge eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia or any other eating disorder need to seek some type of support or treatment.

The Benefits of Inpatient Treatment Programs

Although outpatient programs and support groups are helpful treatment options, an adult inpatient program provides the most intensive treatment regimen, including a structured, supportive recovery environment, psychotherapy, life skills counseling and controlled therapeutic meals. Eating disorder facilities generally offer fulltime, qualified staff members that include psychiatrists, psychologists and registered dieticians.
Additionally, inpatient programs help patients who need medical assistance, providing nurses who monitor vital signs and administer nasogastric feeding to supplement the patient’s diet, if necessary. After undergoing an inpatient program, individuals generally receive help developing an aftercare plan to keep them on the right track.

The Benefits of Intensive Outpatient Programs

Individuals who are not in immediate medical danger and do not require partial hospitalization have the option of undergoing an intensive outpatient program (IOP), allowing them to receive treatment discretely. Most IOP programs take place several hours per day on a few chosen days of the week. Flexible schedules allow patients to begin recovering without sacrificing work, school or other daily activities. IOD programs generally include psychotherapy, nutritional education and skill-based eating disorder support groups.

Eating Disorder Support Groups and Therapy Groups for Men

Men suffering from eating disorders of every type and severity benefit from therapy groups and support groups, which are professionally facilitated groups that give sufferers a chance to share their thoughts and fears while benefiting from the eating disorder stories of their peers. These are often held during the evening at hospitals and treatment centers, and some eating disorder facilities offer therapy groups specifically for men.
Open groups are support groups that allow individuals to drop in without pre-registering, providing a great option for those who are not ready to fully commit but who want to explore the experience. Friends and family support groups are offered by many facilities as well. Online support groups are offered by organizations such as Mentor Connect and the National Association for Males With Eating Disorders on their websites.

Nutritional Counseling and Fitness Retraining

Services, such as nutritional counseling and fitness retraining, offered by many eating disorder treatment centers keep patients on the continued path to recovery by instilling essential skills. Nutritional counseling aims to stabilize the patient’s nutrition before helping him develop healthy beliefs and habits concerning food. A trained professional helps each patient to develop a personalized meal plan. When necessary, patients receive nutrition prescriptions to help them balance electrolytes, stabilize weight or reverse malnutrition.
Fitness retraining programs help eating disorder sufferers who exercise excessively, which is particularly common with anorexia nervosa. Fitness retraining assists sufferers in developing a healthy relationship with exercise. In these types of sessions, patients challenge popular media views concerning fitness and develop a healthy exercise regimen tailored to their needs.

Is a Dual Diagnosis Treatment Center Right for You?

A dual diagnosis treatment center aims to treat both an addiction and an underlying mental illness. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, 50 percent of all individuals with eating disorders meet the criteria for clinical depression. An underlying mental illness is sometimes the cause of an eating disorder, but oftentimes the dual conditions simply result from the same environmental and social factors. Dual diagnosis centers commonly use therapy, behavioral management programs and medication to treat an eating disorder and associated mental illness. A good dual diagnosis program uses an integrated approach, developing a unique treatment regime for each individual patient.

Finding an Eating Disorder Treatment Center Near You

You normally do not need to travel far to find a good treatment center, as they are offered in most major US cities. Faith-based treatment centers are a promising option for religious individuals. If there are no dedicated eating disorder facilities in your area, search for eating disorder programs at hospitals, mental health centers and substance abuse centers. The website of the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders provides  a search tool that lets you find treatment centers by state.

Start Fresh Today by Giving Us a Call

If you are, or a loved one is, suffering from an eating disorder, don’t wait until tomorrow to seek treatment. The American Psychological Association states that most eating disorder cases are successfully treated, although some may require long-term treatment. Anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and other eating disorders are serious, potentially fatal illnesses. Call 888-920-1501 to confidentially receive advice and go over your treatment options. Let us help get you started on the track to recovery today.

Eating disorders might affect anyone. Among men, gay men and male athletes from disciplines such as gymnastics, body building, running and swimming are at a higher risk of developing eating disorders, according to NEDA. Despite intense social pressure for men to be incredibly fit, engaging in unhealthy eating behaviors is never the answer. Sufferers and their families are encouraged to use any of the aforementioned treatment options to get started on the road to recovery. Call us now if you have any questions.

Goddbye Mary

I had last meeting  with Mary yesterday
It was quite emotional
We talked about all the positives that have happened recently
We acknowledged the effort I have put in to get well
She said that I have worked hard
And I need to give myself credit for that
I find this hard to do
As a lot of the time
Recovery seems to be happening in spite of me
I kind of feel like it is carrying me along
And I'm not doing very much participate
Do you know what I mean?

When I was leaving
I gave Mary a thank you card
As I felt better able to write how much she has helped me
Rather than tell her
She seemed genuinely touched
She gave me a big hug before I left
Saying 'I shouldn't do this, it's not professional but I don't care'
But I think a hug was appropriate
I have been seeing Mary for 3 years
And they have been 3 eventful years
Many ups and downs
Crushing lows
And euphoric highs
Mary had been there through them all

I only wish that everyone with an ED had a Mary in their life
I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't have her help and guidance
I have to say that I am nervous
I am afraid to go forward with out her by my side
She has been a massive support

Goodbye Mary
Thank you for your kindness
Your wisdom
Your patience
Your hope
Your belief in me
Your blind faith that I would be ok
Thank you for understanding
For listening
For being a tower of strength
For never judging me
For never giving up on me
Even when I had given up on myself
Thank you for supporting my family
For helping them understand this cruel illness
Thank you for gently pushing me in the right direction
For always having a logical reason to all my questions
Thank you for always retaining a sense of humour
For laughing with me when there was nothing else to do
Thank you for putting up with me when I acted like a bold child
For realizing that my illness was separate from me
Thank you for being a beacon of hope
Even in my darkest days

You have helped me more than you will ever know
Thank you

Weight

As I haven't been weighing myself recently
I have no earthly clue what weight I am
Part of me is really curious
And really wants to know the number
I guess that's the ED part of me
But another part of me knows that it is a really bad idea
And it's not a good idea to know the number

The other night I was just getting out of the shower
And I had a huge urge to weigh
But I didn't
I'm afraid of my reaction
I'm afraid it will send me running back in to the arms of my ED

As I have said before
I am going by how I feel
Not by how I look
Or what the scale says
And I feel pretty ok
My mood is stable
My outlook is positive
For the first time in my life
I feel that I may have a future
I may have a happy ending to this story

So I'm not going to weight
I don't want my bubble to burst
I have an idea of what my weight is
I can make an educated guess
I would say that I have gained over 15kg since February
But if I thought about it too much
I would seriously crack up
So I'm not going to think about it
Not one little bit

I used to weigh multiple times a day
And when I came out of treatment
My weight dropped to 40kg
I felt fat at that weight
Even though logically I knew I was severely under weight
I couldn't see it
And I sure didn't feel it
My body image has improved over that last few months
I can now see that I am not
And never have been fat
Now don't get me wrong
I still have fat days
I still have times where I feel like a beached whale
But over all
Things have improved

When I was very under weight
Gaining weight was the worst thing I could think of
But now that I am a healthy weight
I can see that it's not so bad
I have boobs
And hips
And curves
I don't have the body of a male child any more

I was in my doctor's waiting room on Monday
I was flicking through a magazine
And I came across an article about a girl with anorexia
She had become very ill
There were photos of her
She was so frail and small
For a split second I felt jealous of her
For a split second I wanted to lose all the weight I had re-gained
How messed up is that?
I saw her emaciated body
And I was massively triggered
I had to give myself a good talking to
To remind myself of what comes along with an under weight body
The cold
The fear
The anxiety
The feeling of impending doom
The depression
The loneliness
The suicidal thoughts
Is it worth it?
Absolutely not
No way
No how

Rationally I know that I am not over weight
My clothes still fit
I would say I am a size 8 (UK)
But I am just conscious that I have given up smoking
And I tend to eat instead of smoke
I always used to have a smoke after eating
It was a way to finish off a meal
Now that I don't smoke
I have nothing to finish off the meal
So I tend to eat more
I'm sure this will calm down
I am only off the smokes 16 days
The say it takes 21  days to make or break a habit
I am nearly there

One thing that I do a lot of
Is comparing my weight to others
When I'm walking down the street
I am looking at others
And wondering if I am bigger or smaller than that person
If I am thinner I feel pleased with myself
If I am bigger I feel like crap
I just keep having to remind myself that my body is just a shell
It's just the vessel the carried my soul and my personality
Most people don't care if I am little or large
The people who love me
Love me for me
Not what weight I am
I know that I don't judge others by their weight
So why do I think that others judge me?

I feel ok in my body at the moment
It still feels very new
And unfamiliar
There is more of me
More flesh
More skin
It still feels strange
But I am getting used to it
I am getting used to looking healthy
I still get a lot of comments on my appearance
But now I am able to take them and say thank you
I'm able to accept that I am getting better
I am recovering
I am living
I'm alive





I was wondering about you
Do you weigh yourself?
How often?

Troll?

It seems that we may have a troll in our midst
I've been getting a few anonymous comments lately
And they have been quite negative
One left on my last post simply read

'This blog sucks..'

Well anonymous I have a few questions for you
If this blogs sucks so much
Why the hell are you reading it?
And taking the time to comment?
I presume you are the same anonymous who commented a few days ago
And told me that commenting is 'not a one way thing'
And I need to comment on others blogs more
What I want to know is how do you know I don't comment on other blogs?
Do you monitor every move I make?
Do you know exactly which blogs I do and don't comment on?

And another thing
I challenge you to divulge your real name
Are you so brave to comment then?
It's easy to leave nasty comments when you're anonymous
It's easy to be mean
It's easy to put people down
And say that they 'suck'

You say that this blog 'sucks'
Is that the best adjective you can come up with?
Come on anonymous
You can do better than that
I challenge you to comment again
And this time try to use your intelligence

Most of the anonymous comments I get are really positive
And maybe I shouldn't be giving this person any more air time than they deserve
And I shouldn't really feed the trolls
But it bugged me
So I am going to dedicate this one post to you
And then I am never going to give you a second thought ever again

In the words of Taylor Swift.......

'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate , hate, hate, hate
And they players gonna play, play, play, play, play
I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Shake it off........'

Girl Competition

I'm a girl
I've been a girl  my whole life
I have sisters
I have had many girlfriends over the years
And if there is one thing that I have learned
Is that girls like to compete with each other
Especially girls with an eating disorder

I remember when I first noticed girl competition
I did ballet as a young teenager
And every summer I attended a week long summer school in my local ballet school
There was a competition for a spot in the end of week show
So we split up in to groups and choreographed our routines
The competition was held on the Thursday night
And my group won
We were delighted as we weren't expecting it
I remember one of the girls from the one of the other groups threw a complete wobbler
And cried her heart out
Protesting that it wasn't fair
I remember being quite shocked
I mean it was only a friendly contest
But it obviously meant a lot more to her
If I recall correctly
This girl was extremely skinny
I remember she didn't eat sugar of any kind
And was on a strict diet
Looking back this girl probably had an eating disorder
She definitely had the perfectionist traits
I don't know what happened to her
I never saw her again
But when I was thinking about this topic
She popped in to my mind
I think her name was Rachel

Although I was aware of girl competition as a teenager
I myself didn't feel the need to compete
I didn't feel it at home either
I am the youngest in my family
So I felt no need to compete with my sisters
I accepted that they would probably achieve things before I did
And  I was ok with that
I don't feel jealous or envious of what they have
I know that I can have that too
Someday

At secondary school I was aware of competition
But not of the kind you would think
In my group of friends
I felt competition to be the wildest
To be the most outrageous
To attract the cutest boys
To wear the raciest clothes
I too it to the extreme
I wanted to be known as a wild child
As the girl who would drink and take drugs with anyone
The girl who partied the hardest
Laughed the loudest
The girl who was up for anything
The one thing I wasn't interested in was being known as a slut
I had seen friends bounce from boy to boy
And I didn't like it
I started going out with my boyfriend when I was 16
And stayed with him until I was about 24

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started feeling real competition between my friends
I mostly noticed it in others
And didn't get involved myself
I don't know why
Maybe I saw the destruction it caused
But the one area where I did get involved
Was the subject of eating disorders

For the first few years of my ED
I went along oblivious to my own weight loss and low weight
I didn't compare myself
Because I wasn't really aware that I had an ED
Then I went in to treatment for the first time
And boy was that an eye opener
I remember the day I was admitted
I spotted the other girls with EDs straight away
And they clocked me
But it took them a full day to come up and introduce themselves to me
They were wary of me
And I was wary of them
I immediately compared my weight to theirs
And being anorectic I inevitably came to the conclusion that I was bigger than all of them
That made me feel very ill at ease
Like I didn't belong there
Like I wasn't sick enough
It really messed with my head

I've been in treatment a few times over the years
And I've experienced ED competition every time
We would sit around and compare war stories

'I've had my ED for 10 years'

'I've lost Xlbs in the last year'

'I've had an NG tube 3 times.

'Well I've been in inpatient for the last 18 months'

'My doctor told me I was the worst case he's ever seen'

'I purge until I see blood'

And it can go on and on like this

I don't need to tell you how unhealthy this is
But I have had conversations like this
I have competed to be the thinnest and the sickest

Why do we do this?
Maybe because it's all we have
Maybe because we need to feel like we deserve the title of eating disordered
Maybe because we don't feel worthy
Whatever the reason
It is because of this that I have never progressed in treatment
Being surrounded by other sick girls all day everyday
Spending so much time with each other
We start to feed off each other
Copy each other
Mimic each other

I remember during my last stint in treatment
I was experiencing severe constipation
So I started to take a glass of prune juice with my meals
One by one all of the other girls started to copy me
And soon all of them were also taking prune juice with their meals
Constipation or no constipation
It was comical really
But it's just one example of the way things can in treatment

But of course it's not just us ED girls that are competitive
I've known friends to compete over anything and everything
I hate that we can be like this
I hate the one-up-man-ship that goes along with female friendships
Why can't we be happy for each other as we progress in life?
Why can't be celebrate each others lives?
Instead of feeling jealous and envious
We should be standing together
Instead of pitting ourselves against one another
We need to be there for each other
In good times and bad

I think this feeling of competition comes from insecurity
If I am feeling bad about myself
The I am surely going to feel left behind if one of my friends gets a promotion at work
I think we need to work on our self esteem
If we are going to eliminate this competition between us
We need to build our confidence
Be sure of our talents and abilities
So we can celebrate the victories in our friends lives




I was wondering about you
Have you experienced girl competition?
How did you handle it?
How do you think we can eradicate this phenomenon?

The Lucky Tooth

I walk my  dogs everyday
On Friday I brought them down one of the back roads from my house
In one of the houses down there, there is a beautiful red setter
He is obviously young
And always seems really curious when we walk by his house
He wears one of those collars where he gets a shock if he goes beyond a certain boundary
So he can't come out to us
Instead
I have started going in to the garden to see him
And of course Honey and Lea come with me
The red setter gets so excited when we go  in to see him
He runs around from me to Honey to Lea
And can't quite contain himself
On Friday he was jumping around so hard that he head butted me in to my mouth
And proceeded to knock one of my new crowns out
I had to pull myself away from him
And retrieve my tooth
I gathered Honey and Lea and headed home
I managed to slip the tooth back in
But it is not secure at all
So I really need to go to the dentist to get it re-cemented back in place
At the moment it is just kind of sitting there
And it is one of my front teeth
So I need to get it sorted

Then this morning
Myself and my sister decided to go swimming in the local pool
We got our stuff together and headed off
We were the first ones there
And so had the pool to ourselves
I dived straight in completely forgetting about my lose tooth
But it didn't budge
So I carried on swimming
I swam lengths in the lane
Loving the feeling of weightless ness
Really enjoying it
Then all of a sudden I felt something in my mouth
I didn't know what it was
So I kind of spat it out
It wasn't until I put my hand to my mouth#
That I realised that it was my tooth!
My bloody tooth!
It was gone!

I began to panic
The pool was now filling up quickly
So I needed to be fast if I was going to find it
I motioned to my sister to come over
'My tooth is gone' I exploded
'My feckin' tooth'
My sister as ever, was cool as a cucumber
'Ok don't panic' She said
'We'll find it, you check the water and I'll check to see has it been thrown up on the side of the pool'
I donned my goggles
And started to duck-dive in the area that I lost it
I found lots of disgusting things like chewing gum and sand and ear-rings
But no tooth
I carried on looking
Sweeping the bottom of the pool
And just below the water line in case it was floating
But no joy

I was starting to lose hope
I didn't know what I was going to do
I would have to go in to hiding
I couldn't face the world with a missing front tooth
And a little shard of tooth in it's place
I couldn't talk to anyone
I couldn't show my face
And how would I get a new tooth?
These crowns were specially made
And it would probably take weeks to get a new one
I felt like screaming I was so frustrated
Where is my bloody tooth?
I NEED IT!
GOD DAMMIT I NEED IT!

So I did what my mother always does when she loses something
I prayed to St Anthony
Patron saint of lost things
It went something like this

Hello?
St Anthony?
It's me Ruby
I know I don't pray very much
But I really need your help right now
You see, I've lost a very expensive crown
It's my front tooth
And I really do need it
I am paranoid enough about my appearance as it is
I really don't need a missing tooth to add to things
So if you could please help me
I would really really appreciate it
And I promise I will go to Mass at least once if you help me find it
Thank you
And God Bless!

I carried on searching for the tooth
I really was starting to lose hope at this point
It was like trying to find a needle in a hay stack
I consulted my sister again
And she decided to go and ask  the pool attendant to check the filter
In case it was in there
So off she went
And I continued my duck diving
But really all I wanted to do was go in to a corner and cry
Jesus H Christ
Why do things like this always happen to me?

I decided to do one more sweep of  the pool
I was swimming just below the surface
When something white and square floated by my face
I followed it with my eye
And managed to grab it
My tooth!
Holy shit, it was my tooth!
I couldn't quite believe it
What were the chances of me finding it?
I was over the moon
And so very relieved that I didn't have to go around with a big gap in my lovely new teeth
Oh the relief
The relief

I held the tooth tight in my hand
And went to find my sister
'I found it' I shouted when I found her in the dressing room
'Yay, high five' she replied
And we did a little happy dance to celebrate

I put the tooth in my shoe
And went back in to finish my swim
Safe in the knowledge that it was ok

So my tooth is back in it's rightful place
And I am being very careful not to lose it again
What a lucky tooth!