Teenage Kicks

Because now I no longer smoke
And have long since given up drugs and alcohol
I have had to find other ways to get my kicks
To escape
To check out of reality for a little while
To get out of my own head momentarily
Drugs and alcohol are very effective at doing this
They literally get you out of your head
But having used them for years
The high wore off
Because of all the crap that goes with them
They are expensive
The wear off relatively quickly
And you build up a tolerance to them
So you have to take more and more to get the same effect
Plus drugs are illegal
So you run the risk of being stopped or arrested
Also drugs can kill
You would think that would be the top reason why I stopped taking them
But actually that's probably part of the reason that I did take them
So I would die

Anyway
Drugs are more trouble than they're worth
And for me the biggest high was the anticipation
Those few minutes before taking the drug
When you knew you were just moments away from oblivion
Your heart thumps
Your skin goose bumps
Your brain is just waiting for the delicious feeling of warmth and numbness
That feeling is almost better than the drug itself

And alcohol
Well, I stopped drinking because I was a horrible drunk
I either became loud and obnoxious
Or teary and emotional
I just couldn't handle my booze
I didn't like myself very much when I drank
And the hangovers just weren't worth it
So that had to go too

Then came my ED
When I had my addiction under control
My ED always came to the surface
A very effective way to have the illusion of control
Because of course I wasn't in control at all
The disorder had me by the neck
But I went along thinking that I was ok
Even when I lost all the weight
Even when I was so weak
I couldn't walk up my stairs
I just couldn't let it go
I couldn't stop
I couldn't see anyway out
I couldn't see life beyond my illness
My life consisted of doctor appointments
Hospital stays
Treatment
It was like a merry-go-round
A twisted, fucked up carnival ride

I had short periods of time when my ED sudsided
But that was because I was abusing my meds
Another addiction
This went on for too long
My poor mother
I don't know how she stayed sane through it all
Me dopey
And falling asleep at the drop of a hat
I don't know how she put up with me
I can't remember how or when it happened
But I did start to take my meds properly
Probably because they had been increased
And I had enough per day to still be in a state of falling asleep
Now for the most part I take them properly
There is probably one a day a week when I misuse them
But things are a lot better than they were

I've smoked since I was 13
Cigarettes were my constant companion
I smoked when I was sad
When I was happy
When I was bored
When I was anxious
When I couldn't sleep
And whenever and where ever I could
I always had cigarettes on me
Was always ready to go for a 'cheeky smoke'
I had been mentally preparing myself to give up for weeks
I didn't tell anyone
Just incase it didn't work out
And then I stopped
That was 19 days ago
I haven't had so much as a drag since then
Everyone I tell is really surprised
Because I smoked so much you see
And I really did love my smoke
It was like a little time out
5 minutes to myself to sit and think and smoke
I did my best thinking when I was smoking
God how I miss that
But now I am officially a non smoker
And I love that I am a non smoker
Although I do get jealous when I see someone lighting up
I look at them longingly
And inhale the second hand smoke
Need to stop doing that

So what has replaced all these vices?
Well I've tried exercise
Swimming and hill walking
They were good
But no substitute
I tried travel
And found out that I am a home bird
And shopping
I've shopped a lot for clothes
I see something in a shop
Or on line
And I think that my life would be complete
If I only had that pair of Fat Face jeans
Or Blowfish boots
I especially love buying online
Because then you get  package delivered
And these is nothing more exciting than getting a package delivered
I ordered a pair of boots a couple of weeks ago
I was out when the postman came
So he left me a note to call in to the post office after 4pm
Well 4pm couldn't come soon enough
I was like a child on Christmas Eve
The anticipation was thrilling
What is that feeling like?
Yes you've guessed it
It's just like that feeling I used to get before I took drugs
So when I got the parcel
I resisted the urge to rip it open
Put it on the passenger seat of my car
And broke the speed limit driving home
I got home at brake neck speed
Tore in to my house
Held the package for a moment
Relishing the feeling
And ripped the package open
To find my new size 5 Blowfish boots
I took them out and admired them
Very nice
Very nice indeed
I immediately put them on to wear them
But that's the thing
Once I have worn them once
The novelty kind of wears off
Because they're not new any more
So it's back to square one

So that's the story of my addictions
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
I really am a teenager in an adults body
Now I'm off to do some more internet shopping
(Will I ever learn?)

Lizzie Velasquez: The skinniest woman in the world

I saw this show advertised in my newspaper
Lizzie Velasquez: The skinniest woman in the world
I was reluctant to watch it
As I thought it was about someone with anorexia
And I usually find those shows massively triggering
But it wasn't
It was about a girl called Lizzie
With a disorder so rare that it doesn't even have a name
Her body is not able to store fat
So she looks emaciated
No matter how much she eats





Lizzie is 27 years old
When she was 17 years old
She came across  Youtube video of a  local interview that she had done
She clicked on it
And was horrified to see that she had been dubbed
'The ugliest woman in the world'
It was an 8 second clip
And when Lizzie saw it
It had already been viewed by over 4 million people
In an interview Lizzie said
'At that moment I thought, well my life is over'

But instead of crumbling
Lizzie decided not to let this get her down
She decided to do what women have done for centuries
She decided to use her looks to her advantage


“My parents said you can have your one good cry and let it out, but you have to pick your head up and move on to something positive,” she told Fox News Latino. “And for me, that was in the form of setting goals, speaking out against cyber bullying and reaching out to the media so people could hear my story.”

Now, 10 years on from seeing that article
Third generation Mexican-American Velasquez was born 4 weeks pre-mature
She has zero per cent body fat
No matter how much she eats

“I hated my condition because it caused so much pain in my life. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I mean, being a teenager is hard enough, but being a 13-year-old girl with this syndrome, who is blind in one eye, who weighs 58 pounds, and who is constantly picked on by people is almost unbearable,” she said.


But, as she grew older
Lizzie began to love herself



Now I actually look at my condition as a gift,” she said. “I honestly think of it as waking up every morning and it’s Christmas Day and it’s something that I’m blessed to have and I want to share this gift with anyone who will have it.”


Lizzie is now a motivational speaker
Her third book will be released this month
She also has a documentary in the works called The Lizzie Project

“This is not going to be a movie just about my life,” she said. “I feel like I’ve been given such a huge platform that I want to take full advantage of it. ‘The Lizzie Project’ is a call for anyone who wants to unite and make the online world a more positive place,” she said. “My mission is to show that there’s light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to bullying and I’m hoping to do that throughout this movie.”

I had never hears of Lizzie before seeing her on tv this week
I think she is awe inspiring
It would be so easy for her to give up
To lie down and hold up her white flag
It would be so easy for her to feel sorry for herself
But she doesn't
Not one little bit
She is using her disorder as a power for good
I have to admit if I had this disorder
I don't know if I would be handling it as well as Lizzie
She is someone who can't do anything about her condition
It's so rare there is little or no research done on it
She has to walk around every day advertising her disorder
That must be so hard
Because people can be cruel
When we don't understand something
We tend to be afraid of it

But it just goes to show
Beauty comes from the inside
It shines from the heart
And Lizzie is beautiful because love and hope and faith shine out of her so brightly
Beauty is not having a perfect appearance
Beauty is being a good person
It's helping others
Even when you can't help yourself

Lizze has really inspired me
Having re-gained weight recently 
It puts my problems and issues in to perspective
I am healthy
I am happy
I don't need  much more than that

Thank you Lizzie
For reminding me to love myself
No matter what I look like



Refercence: Latino.Foxnews

Have you heard of Lizzie?
Or seen her documentary?
What did you think?

March - August

These photos were taken in March
Just after I came home from treatment
I remember taking them
I looked at them and came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I could hardly bear to look at them
But now when I look at them
I can see how underweight I was
I can see how frail and pale and lifeless I was
It's scary to think that I have put on over 15kg since then
I wonder where I have put it all
Because I am still a size 8

My body image has improved in recent months
But I still have days when I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
I still have days when I trying  on clothes endless amounts of time
Because I can't find anything that doesn't make me look fat
It took me quite a few months to get used to this body
And it's ok
It's ok
I'm ok
Just the way I am

As I've said before
I compare my size a lot to others
And I have been comparing myself to my sister
She is a size 12 (UK)
To my eating disordered eyes
We are pretty much the same size
But to my sister
She looks bigger
And my mother
I think she is so tiny
But when she tries on my clothes
They are too small for her
This is very confusing
Because I can't trust my own eyes
My own judgement about what size I am

I am so tempted to weigh myself
I know what weight my sister is
So if I work my own weight out from that
I have an idea of what I weigh
But I could be way off
Something is stopping me from weighing
So I'm not going to

I've re-gained the weight quite quickly
I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing
Whatever
It's done now
And I am managing to live my life in my new body


I don't have any up to date photos of myself
As I have lost my camera charger
So I have no camera
But here are some from London

Bulimia in men

A  mental health writer called Laura Johnson contacted me recently
She has written an article on bulimia in men
I am sharing it here as I thought that readers of this blog would be interested in
I forget sometimes that men are effected by this illness
As it is predominantly a female affliction

Here is the article
Let me know what you think

Finding the Best Anorexia, Bulimia and Eating Disorder Treatment for Men

Anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders are generally viewed by society as women’s illnesses, but a large number of men also suffer from these harmful disorders. According to the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA), 10 million men in the United States will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their lives, and 10 percent of all eating disorder sufferers that receive help from mental health professionals are male.
Although some men feel embarrassed or reluctant to get help, finding an appropriate treatment option is absolutely essential. Treatment options are varied, ranging from intensive inpatient programs to support groups and nutrition counseling. Use these facts and figures to find the best eating disorder treatment for your situation.

Do Men Need Treatment for Eating Disorders?

No matter how strong men feel, their eating disorders are just as dangerous as those that impact women. Psychologists agree that men’s eating disorders are generally indistinguishable from women’s eating disorders in a clinical sense.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness as stated in the American Journal of Psychiatry; however, according to the International Journal of Eating Disorders, only 1 in 10 sufferers of either gender receives treatment. No matter how severe the condition, those suffering from binge eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia or any other eating disorder need to seek some type of support or treatment.

The Benefits of Inpatient Treatment Programs

Although outpatient programs and support groups are helpful treatment options, an adult inpatient program provides the most intensive treatment regimen, including a structured, supportive recovery environment, psychotherapy, life skills counseling and controlled therapeutic meals. Eating disorder facilities generally offer fulltime, qualified staff members that include psychiatrists, psychologists and registered dieticians.
Additionally, inpatient programs help patients who need medical assistance, providing nurses who monitor vital signs and administer nasogastric feeding to supplement the patient’s diet, if necessary. After undergoing an inpatient program, individuals generally receive help developing an aftercare plan to keep them on the right track.

The Benefits of Intensive Outpatient Programs

Individuals who are not in immediate medical danger and do not require partial hospitalization have the option of undergoing an intensive outpatient program (IOP), allowing them to receive treatment discretely. Most IOP programs take place several hours per day on a few chosen days of the week. Flexible schedules allow patients to begin recovering without sacrificing work, school or other daily activities. IOD programs generally include psychotherapy, nutritional education and skill-based eating disorder support groups.

Eating Disorder Support Groups and Therapy Groups for Men

Men suffering from eating disorders of every type and severity benefit from therapy groups and support groups, which are professionally facilitated groups that give sufferers a chance to share their thoughts and fears while benefiting from the eating disorder stories of their peers. These are often held during the evening at hospitals and treatment centers, and some eating disorder facilities offer therapy groups specifically for men.
Open groups are support groups that allow individuals to drop in without pre-registering, providing a great option for those who are not ready to fully commit but who want to explore the experience. Friends and family support groups are offered by many facilities as well. Online support groups are offered by organizations such as Mentor Connect and the National Association for Males With Eating Disorders on their websites.

Nutritional Counseling and Fitness Retraining

Services, such as nutritional counseling and fitness retraining, offered by many eating disorder treatment centers keep patients on the continued path to recovery by instilling essential skills. Nutritional counseling aims to stabilize the patient’s nutrition before helping him develop healthy beliefs and habits concerning food. A trained professional helps each patient to develop a personalized meal plan. When necessary, patients receive nutrition prescriptions to help them balance electrolytes, stabilize weight or reverse malnutrition.
Fitness retraining programs help eating disorder sufferers who exercise excessively, which is particularly common with anorexia nervosa. Fitness retraining assists sufferers in developing a healthy relationship with exercise. In these types of sessions, patients challenge popular media views concerning fitness and develop a healthy exercise regimen tailored to their needs.

Is a Dual Diagnosis Treatment Center Right for You?

A dual diagnosis treatment center aims to treat both an addiction and an underlying mental illness. According to the American Journal of Psychiatry, 50 percent of all individuals with eating disorders meet the criteria for clinical depression. An underlying mental illness is sometimes the cause of an eating disorder, but oftentimes the dual conditions simply result from the same environmental and social factors. Dual diagnosis centers commonly use therapy, behavioral management programs and medication to treat an eating disorder and associated mental illness. A good dual diagnosis program uses an integrated approach, developing a unique treatment regime for each individual patient.

Finding an Eating Disorder Treatment Center Near You

You normally do not need to travel far to find a good treatment center, as they are offered in most major US cities. Faith-based treatment centers are a promising option for religious individuals. If there are no dedicated eating disorder facilities in your area, search for eating disorder programs at hospitals, mental health centers and substance abuse centers. The website of the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders provides  a search tool that lets you find treatment centers by state.

Start Fresh Today by Giving Us a Call

If you are, or a loved one is, suffering from an eating disorder, don’t wait until tomorrow to seek treatment. The American Psychological Association states that most eating disorder cases are successfully treated, although some may require long-term treatment. Anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder and other eating disorders are serious, potentially fatal illnesses. Call 888-920-1501 to confidentially receive advice and go over your treatment options. Let us help get you started on the track to recovery today.

Eating disorders might affect anyone. Among men, gay men and male athletes from disciplines such as gymnastics, body building, running and swimming are at a higher risk of developing eating disorders, according to NEDA. Despite intense social pressure for men to be incredibly fit, engaging in unhealthy eating behaviors is never the answer. Sufferers and their families are encouraged to use any of the aforementioned treatment options to get started on the road to recovery. Call us now if you have any questions.

Goddbye Mary

I had last meeting  with Mary yesterday
It was quite emotional
We talked about all the positives that have happened recently
We acknowledged the effort I have put in to get well
She said that I have worked hard
And I need to give myself credit for that
I find this hard to do
As a lot of the time
Recovery seems to be happening in spite of me
I kind of feel like it is carrying me along
And I'm not doing very much participate
Do you know what I mean?

When I was leaving
I gave Mary a thank you card
As I felt better able to write how much she has helped me
Rather than tell her
She seemed genuinely touched
She gave me a big hug before I left
Saying 'I shouldn't do this, it's not professional but I don't care'
But I think a hug was appropriate
I have been seeing Mary for 3 years
And they have been 3 eventful years
Many ups and downs
Crushing lows
And euphoric highs
Mary had been there through them all

I only wish that everyone with an ED had a Mary in their life
I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't have her help and guidance
I have to say that I am nervous
I am afraid to go forward with out her by my side
She has been a massive support

Goodbye Mary
Thank you for your kindness
Your wisdom
Your patience
Your hope
Your belief in me
Your blind faith that I would be ok
Thank you for understanding
For listening
For being a tower of strength
For never judging me
For never giving up on me
Even when I had given up on myself
Thank you for supporting my family
For helping them understand this cruel illness
Thank you for gently pushing me in the right direction
For always having a logical reason to all my questions
Thank you for always retaining a sense of humour
For laughing with me when there was nothing else to do
Thank you for putting up with me when I acted like a bold child
For realizing that my illness was separate from me
Thank you for being a beacon of hope
Even in my darkest days

You have helped me more than you will ever know
Thank you

Weight

As I haven't been weighing myself recently
I have no earthly clue what weight I am
Part of me is really curious
And really wants to know the number
I guess that's the ED part of me
But another part of me knows that it is a really bad idea
And it's not a good idea to know the number

The other night I was just getting out of the shower
And I had a huge urge to weigh
But I didn't
I'm afraid of my reaction
I'm afraid it will send me running back in to the arms of my ED

As I have said before
I am going by how I feel
Not by how I look
Or what the scale says
And I feel pretty ok
My mood is stable
My outlook is positive
For the first time in my life
I feel that I may have a future
I may have a happy ending to this story

So I'm not going to weight
I don't want my bubble to burst
I have an idea of what my weight is
I can make an educated guess
I would say that I have gained over 15kg since February
But if I thought about it too much
I would seriously crack up
So I'm not going to think about it
Not one little bit

I used to weigh multiple times a day
And when I came out of treatment
My weight dropped to 40kg
I felt fat at that weight
Even though logically I knew I was severely under weight
I couldn't see it
And I sure didn't feel it
My body image has improved over that last few months
I can now see that I am not
And never have been fat
Now don't get me wrong
I still have fat days
I still have times where I feel like a beached whale
But over all
Things have improved

When I was very under weight
Gaining weight was the worst thing I could think of
But now that I am a healthy weight
I can see that it's not so bad
I have boobs
And hips
And curves
I don't have the body of a male child any more

I was in my doctor's waiting room on Monday
I was flicking through a magazine
And I came across an article about a girl with anorexia
She had become very ill
There were photos of her
She was so frail and small
For a split second I felt jealous of her
For a split second I wanted to lose all the weight I had re-gained
How messed up is that?
I saw her emaciated body
And I was massively triggered
I had to give myself a good talking to
To remind myself of what comes along with an under weight body
The cold
The fear
The anxiety
The feeling of impending doom
The depression
The loneliness
The suicidal thoughts
Is it worth it?
Absolutely not
No way
No how

Rationally I know that I am not over weight
My clothes still fit
I would say I am a size 8 (UK)
But I am just conscious that I have given up smoking
And I tend to eat instead of smoke
I always used to have a smoke after eating
It was a way to finish off a meal
Now that I don't smoke
I have nothing to finish off the meal
So I tend to eat more
I'm sure this will calm down
I am only off the smokes 16 days
The say it takes 21  days to make or break a habit
I am nearly there

One thing that I do a lot of
Is comparing my weight to others
When I'm walking down the street
I am looking at others
And wondering if I am bigger or smaller than that person
If I am thinner I feel pleased with myself
If I am bigger I feel like crap
I just keep having to remind myself that my body is just a shell
It's just the vessel the carried my soul and my personality
Most people don't care if I am little or large
The people who love me
Love me for me
Not what weight I am
I know that I don't judge others by their weight
So why do I think that others judge me?

I feel ok in my body at the moment
It still feels very new
And unfamiliar
There is more of me
More flesh
More skin
It still feels strange
But I am getting used to it
I am getting used to looking healthy
I still get a lot of comments on my appearance
But now I am able to take them and say thank you
I'm able to accept that I am getting better
I am recovering
I am living
I'm alive





I was wondering about you
Do you weigh yourself?
How often?

Troll?

It seems that we may have a troll in our midst
I've been getting a few anonymous comments lately
And they have been quite negative
One left on my last post simply read

'This blog sucks..'

Well anonymous I have a few questions for you
If this blogs sucks so much
Why the hell are you reading it?
And taking the time to comment?
I presume you are the same anonymous who commented a few days ago
And told me that commenting is 'not a one way thing'
And I need to comment on others blogs more
What I want to know is how do you know I don't comment on other blogs?
Do you monitor every move I make?
Do you know exactly which blogs I do and don't comment on?

And another thing
I challenge you to divulge your real name
Are you so brave to comment then?
It's easy to leave nasty comments when you're anonymous
It's easy to be mean
It's easy to put people down
And say that they 'suck'

You say that this blog 'sucks'
Is that the best adjective you can come up with?
Come on anonymous
You can do better than that
I challenge you to comment again
And this time try to use your intelligence

Most of the anonymous comments I get are really positive
And maybe I shouldn't be giving this person any more air time than they deserve
And I shouldn't really feed the trolls
But it bugged me
So I am going to dedicate this one post to you
And then I am never going to give you a second thought ever again

In the words of Taylor Swift.......

'Cause the haters gonna hate, hate , hate, hate, hate
And they players gonna play, play, play, play, play
I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
Shake it off
Shake it off........'