Warning!

The following comment was left on my blog yesterday
From Fat Bastardo

'You need a theme song like mine fatty'

With a link to his own theme song

At first I thought it was a joke
But I checked out this guy's blog
And the blog is offensive on so many levels
I know that he has commented on other ED blogs too
And has upset and annoyed people

Julia also left a comment to let me know that this person has been repeatedly reported to Google because of the inhumane content of his blog.
His blog was removed from the internet
But has since reappeared
So this is just a warning in case any of you get comments from this person
Please report him
And let's try and get his blog taken down for good
You are one sad individual Fat Bastardo

Zumba!

I have been on the lookout for some classes to take
So I was delighted to see that Zumba was starting in my local community centre
I have never done Zumba before
But was really keen to try
I really didn't want to go alone
So I talked my sister in to going with me
For moral support
And for someone to giggle with at the back of the class
My sister wasn't half as keen as me
But she agreed to come with me

As well as Zumba
There were classes called Insanity on too
I have seen Insanity on the tv
Basically it is a high intensity work out
Exercising for 3 minutes
And resting for 30 seconds
I liked the sound of it
But decided to ease myself in gently with Zumba

My sister and I were lying on our respective couches last evening
Trying to summon up the energy to get out the door and off to Zumba

'Will we go?'

I don't know, do you want to go?

I don't mind, would you rather not?'

We went on like this for some time
Until I finally said
'Ok come on let's go'

My sister put on her tracksuit bottoms
And I donned my leggings
And off we went

We arrived quite early
There were a couple of other people there
So we sat down and eyed up the other people
Then the instructor came
She looked really young
But had a friendly face
We watched as she set up her equipment
She was wearing three quarter length leggings
And a purple head band
She definitely looked the part
I went up to pay
And asked her about the insanity classes
She didn't you didn't have to be super fit to do them
But I wasn't convinced
I decided to stick with Zumba for the moment

The room began to fill up
And the class started
My sister and I tried to stay at the back
But it seemed that everyone had that idea
So we ended up somewhere around the middle
We warmed up first
I kept my hoody on
But by the end of the first song
I had to take it off
Which I wasn't happy about
Because I felt self conscious enough as it was
Without having to remove some clothing

Then we straight in to a dance number
I was a bit meek for the first few minutes
But the choreography  was really good
So I really got in to it
As you know I love dancing
So this suited me down to the ground
The instructor didn't give much instruction verbally
We just copied what she did
Even though half the time I looked like a hippo trying to dance
I didn't care
I was really enjoying it
But boy am I not fit at all


The class lasted about 45 minutes
There was an Insanity class on after it
Just as our class was finishing
They all began to come in
Talk about gym-tinidation
They all looked like pro-athletes
All in their lycra
Their super cool runners
With their towels and bottles of water
I immediately decided that I would not be going to Insanity any time soon
My sister and I dragged our weary bodies out to the car
And headed home

We arrived home and the dogs gave us a huge welcome
You would swear that we had been away for a month!
We immediately put on our pyjamas
I made us tea and toast
And we settled down in front of a movie
We didn't even get to see the first half before the two of us were sound asleep
I woke up every now and then
But couldn't find the energy to get myself down to bed
Finally my sister woke me up
And I stumbled down to bed
Where I slept like a baby

I really enjoyed Zumba
And I love that it made me so tired
I hope to go back next week
But I don't think I am ready for insanity just yet

Checking out, for today anyway

Anyone who read the post that I just posted and promptly deleted
Will know that my head is officially up my ass
But it's not as bad as you think
It's just the back lash from weighing myself
In spite of what you may think
I am ok
No really I am
My last post was a lapse in judgment
I wasn't really thinking when I posted it
And in hindsight it wasn't a good idea
Forgive me
As I said
My head is up my ass

I just wish that my head would settle
I wish that stupid freakin' number would erase itself from my memory
As regards food
I got through yesterday without purging
But last night my sister told me that I didn't eat nearly enough
I'm trying though
I am trying
I guess this is all part and parcel of the weight re-gaining process
It's normal what I'm going through
Isn't it?

21

So
Yesterday it was driving me up the freakin' wall
That I wanted to know my weight and couldn't find out
I searched the house for a suitable battery
No luck
I thought about driving to the shop to get one
But I couldn't get myself together in order to do that
And anyway
The rational part of me knew that I shouldn't do it

After my talk with my sister yesterday
I dug out my food scales
So I can judge the portions that I am serving myself
It also needed a battery
And ti happened to be the same type of battery that my weighing scales needs
So today
After the doctor and the pharmacy
I went to buy a new battery
Telling myself that it was for my food scales
But knowing that I was going to weigh myself also

I got home
And went straight to my room
I didn't give myself a chance to think about it
Or to talk myself out of it
I wanted to know
I just had to know
Whatever part of me it was
The eating disordered part
Or the rational, logical part
Wanted and had to know

I quickly replaced the battery
And stripped to my socks, bra and pants
(Contrary to pro-ana 'tips and tricks' your underwear does not effect the number, at all!)
I stood on the scale
The number flashed up red
And registered in my brain
It was actually bang what I thought and feared it would be
I stepped off and re-dressed
I wasn't sure how I felt
Part me was completely disgusted
Because the last time I saw that number
I swore I would never be back there again
I immediately wanted a smoke
So freakin' badly
But I am 3 weeks smoke free to day
And I didn't want to mess that up too

I went to my kitchen and started to interrogate my mother and sister
'What weight do you think I look?' I asked my mother
'About 7 and a half stone' she replied
I actually laughed when she said this
Because even the thought that I am that weight is just ludicrous
My sister wouldn't answer my questions
And flat refused to get in to a conversation with me about weight
Simply saying 'I don't care what you weigh'
I couldn't actually say the number
So I wrote it down and showed my mum and sister
My Mother was delighted
'Wow, that's great she said'
She genuinely seemed happy
I wish I could say that I felt the same

Next thing was to work out my BMI
It's 21
Twenty
One
I haven't been in the twenties in so long
It's all a bit overwhelming
I probably shouldn't have weighed at all
I should have left well alone
I should have taken all your sound advice
But I did what I usually do
I pressed that big red self destruct button
Because I seem to like to torture myself
Because I am a glutton for punishment
Because I seem to enjoy fucking things up for myself

As I typed this
My sister put a plate of toast down in front of me
But I can't bring myself to eat it
All of a sudden Anorexia is screaming in my head
Berating me
Making fun of me
Insulting me about my weight
I didn't buy any chocolate or crisps today
They are out of the question
Absolutely out of the question

I can't lie
I want to lose
I want to be less
Just a little bit
Until I feel comfortable in my own skin again
Even though I know how this story ends
Even though I know even the very thought of trying to lose weight is ridiculous
The urge is there
It's proving hard to resist
God dammit why do I do this to myself?

I'm hoping this feeling will subside
That the initial shock of seeing the number will dissipate
I can't tumble back down the rabbit hole
I can't put myself and my family through that again
But sometimes I feel powerless to resist

I need to get my head together
Get back on track
But I feel quite alone with this
Because I have no Mary anymore
I haven't got her reassurance
I need to use my own resources
I can't let this slip turn in to a relapse
I just can't
I have too much to lose
And I don't just mean weight

If my camera was working I would show you a photo of myself
But it's not
So I can't
Maybe that's a good thing



Any thoughts?

Time for action

I had a bit of a meltdown after my last post
Convinced that I had gained a substantial amount of weight in the last 3 days
I tried on all my clothes
And came to the conclusion that I was indeed fat
I decided to take drastic measures
And decided to do a fast
A water fast no less
I was feeling quite manic and stressed
And generally that I had no control over my food and my weight
My sister sat me down and gave me  a good talking to
This is why I love my sister
She is honest with me
Even when it's hard to hear
And as you know
I really appreciate honesty
She told me in no uncertain terms that a fast was a ridiculous idea for someone with an ED
She even said 'That is your anorexia talking'
Gosh she has been listening and reading
Then she told me that I was eating far too much chocolate
We then worked out that I was eating 2000kcals a day in CHOCOLATE ALONE!!
I knew I was eating a lot
But I had blocked out the actual amount
So that was a shock to say the least

We had a very honest talk
I told her that I don't keep down every thing that I eat
And that I really want to get my diet under control
We decided that tomorrow we are going to make a meal plan
We're going to work out the calories
And for the moment I am going to cut out crisps and chocolate
Not forever
Just until I feel I can manage it
I am also going to eat at the table
And with others
No eating in the living room
No eating in front of the tv
No eating in between meals
I need these rules
I need the structure
Because at the moment there are no rules
I am all over the place
And it is driving me up the freakin' wall people!!

I don't want to use my ED to get my food under control
I don't want to be bony and skinny
I don't want to be unhealthy
I want to be fit
Healthy
Toned
I want to be strong
I don't want to be that weak and listless person I was for so many years
If I am honest
Then yes, I do want to lose a little bit of weight
But I know that is dodgy territory
So I am hoping that if I look after my diet
Then my weight will look after itself

So for dinner tonight
We made vegetarian chilli
With kidney beans and black beans
I ate a small bowl
I felt really full after
But my sister had worked out the calories and it was under 200
So that eased my mind
I managed not to purge
That is the first meal I have not purged in ages
Result!
Now I just need to carry on like this


I need to do this
I need to take control of my life
And that starts with my food
As my sister said
I have given up heroin
I have given up the smokes
I can do this
It's time to take action
To reclaim my body
And be the best person that I can be

Thank you to everyone who commented and made suggestions on my last post
Thank you for your understanding
And your honesty
Your words are appreciated so much

To weigh or not to weigh?

As you know
I have not being weighing
And haven't done so in the past couple of months
So I have no earthly clue what I weight
And didn't really want to know either
But for the past week my curiosity has been pricked
I threw my scale in to the lake a few months ago
But there is another scale in the house
So I got it out this morning

It took me a few hours to psych myself up to do it
I stripped as I always do
And stood looking down at the scale
Wondering if this was a good idea or not
I had some numbers in my my mind
Acceptable numbers
Not acceptable numbers
Safe numbers
Dangerous numbers
I held my my breath
As if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I closed my eyes
and tentatively stepped
I must have stood there for 30 seconds or more
Daring myself to look down
My anxiety was through the roof
My heart was thumping
Adrenalin was surging through my body
You would think that I am exaggerating here
But I'm really not
It really caused me that much stress
Because I know how knowing that number can effect me
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
The number goes down and I sky rocket in to euphoria
It has such an effect on me
And I hate that it does
I hate that the number has so much power over me

I finally managed to open my eyes
And look down
To my surprise it read 'Low' on the screen
For a second I was confused
As I'd never seen that before
What does that mean?
That the scale has decided that I am a low weight?
Then I realized
Low meant that the battery was low
And so it couldn't give me a reading
Well if that isn't a sign I don't know what is
I didn't even look for a battery
The universe had decided that I shouldn't know my weight today
So I am not gonna argue with it

But it does leave me with a dilemma
Should I get a battery?
Should I weight myself in the doctors tomorrow?
Should I just leave well enough alone?
When I was with Mary last week
She suggested that I weigh once a week
Is that a good idea right now?
I really don't know






What do you think?
To weigh or not to weigh?
That is the question.......

Help?

I need your help with something
I am thinking of submitting some of my writing to an on line mental health magazine
But I am having trouble trying to pick a piece
This is where you come in
Is there any post that you particularly like?
Or one you think would be suitable?
My favourites are the ones with black humour
But I don't know of they would be suitable or appropriate
So if you have a favourite post
Or one that you think I should submit
Do let me know
I'd love to know what you think.......