Happy Birthday!

Today is my birthday
I am 33
I really looked forward to this birthday
My sister is home
I'm the healthiest I've been in a long time
It's good to celebrate
The fact that I made it to 33
Relatively unscathed
I shouldn't really be here

This time last year I was preparing to go in to treatment
This time last year I  couldn't find any reason to celebrate
This time last year I couldn't have cared less about my birthday
Thankfully this year is different

Today I am going for afternoon tea with my family
In Markree Castle
I'll post photos when I get back
In the mean time
I am going to enjoy m birthday
As best as I can

See you on the next post.......

Adios ashtray!

Do you remember a while back
I threw my scales in to the lake near my house?
It was a symbol of my leaving my ED behind
And it was a very powerful one
Well, because I am almost one month off cigarettes
I decided to do something similar with my ashtray
As a symbol of giving them up

I thought about throwing it in the lake with my scales
But I think I have polluted it enough
So I decided to smash it instead
For health and safety reasons
I wrapped it up in newspaper
Here's the evidence........

Lea and Honey were very curious

Lea fully supports my decision to stop smoking

Crash, bang, wallop!

Won't be needing this anymore

Mission accomplished!

Progress Report

I got a letter in the mail this week
It was from the hospital I was in earlier this year
A survey to fill in now that 6 months have passed
I was surprised that it has been 6 months already
In some ways it feels like I have just left hospital
But in others it feels like forever since I left
I was in hospital twice in the last year
It didn't work
It never does
I seem to get worse in hospital
If that is possible
I become sneaky  and devious
I lie and lie
And manipulate
And deceive
Trying to stay one step ahead of the staff
Trying to find the exact moment when I can sneak to the bathroom to purge
Then lying about it
It's exhausting
Draining
It's a full time job trying to hide your ED
But was I really hiding it?
Probably not
The staff can tell by your appearance
By your blood pressure
And of course by your bloods
I was fooling no one
Least of all myself

I was discharged from hospital both times for failing to gain weight
In fact I lost weight in hospital
And continued to lose weight when I got home
Dropping to 40kilos at one point
I still thought I was fat

I was at a loss when I came home from hospital
I didn't know what to do
I had exhausted all my options
Nothing was helping
This culminated in me taking an overdose
I didn't tell anyone
It wasn't until a week later that I told Mary
Because I was afraid I was going to do it again
She took action immediately
She contacted my doctor and psychiatrist
I saw him the next day
He changed my meds
Increasing my olanzapine
And putting me on Prozac
I took it like a good little anorectic
But I had little faith that it would help at all

The next few weeks I white knuckled it
Barely hanging on
Trying to keep it together
Trying to find a reason not to disappear
The gradually I noticed that I felt a little better
I didn't feel so down
I didn't feel like I wanted off this earth
And also the binging and purging stopped
That was a minor miracle
I had been purging 10 -15 times a day
I had a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom
It was such a relief

Then I noticed that my weight was going up
At first I was terrified
I didn't want to gain
But it was happening anyway
I'm still getting used to the weight
It's taking a lot of time and a lot of patience
Now I realize that if I want to stay well
If I want peace of mind
I have to be a healthy weight
I can't have one without the other

My thinking has changed too
Because I feel a bit better about myself
I no longer need to depend on my anorectic identity
I no longer need to hold on to that girl
Because I know that I am enough just the way I am
I don't need to be underweight in order for my family to love
My family and friends will love and accept me no matter what I weigh
And no matter what I look like

The biggest difference in my frame of mind is that I no longer want to die
That's saying it bluntly
I now feel like I can handle life
And reality
I want to live
I want to experience things
I used not care whether I lived or died
It just didn't matter to me
Now it matters
It matters a lot
I have a family
Friends
2 dogs that depend on me
And would be heart broken if I died
I want to live
I. Want. To, Live

So here I am
Warts and all (And there are a lot of warts)
If you don't like me because of what I weigh
Or what I look like
Then I don't want you in my life
There is more to me than skin and flesh
I am more than a number on a scale
I am more than the size on an item of clothing
Those numbers don't define
They don't begin to explain what I am about
Or what you are about
I don't measure my worth by these numbers
I measure my worth by how I live my life
How I help others
How I contribute to my family
How I keep my dogs
How I bounce back from the hurdles in my life
How I keep fighting even though I suffer from 2 chronic illness'
How I stay positive even on the darkest day
How I smile and laugh even though I may feel I am dying inside
How I fight every single day to stay well
This is what I am made of
This is what defines me
This is what really matters

My past doesn't define me
I am changing the script of my life
I shouldn't have survived
I shouldn't be here
I died many times
But I am still here
I am alive and kicking
There must be a reason for that
Because it's not by choice
I welcomed death
I sat in it's waiting room
But each time I was turned away
Told it wasn't my time
I still had things to do
And so I will do them
Tough times don't last
Tough people do