Thank you!

I want to thank each and every one of you
For your support
For your comments
And emails
And well wishes
I have been struggling to come to terms with my situation at the moment
But I have been overwhelmed with encouragement from you all
It truly means more than you will ever know

I didn't know where this blog was heading when I started writing it
I had been reading blogs for a while
And one night decided to start my own
Like a lot of my decisions
It was made on impulse
I was in a dark place
I was lonely
Isolated
Depressed
And anxious
The first couple of months of my writing was very unhealthy
I had no interest in trying to recover
I was only interested in maintaining my illness
And meeting like minded people
Which I did
But I never felt comfortable encouraging others weigh loss
So I don't do that
And never have
I don't congratulate when someone loses weight
I don't comment at all
I'm more interested in the person
Rather than what they weigh

Tempest left a very interesting comment on my last post
Which I will share here

When you find yourself thinking something like this, stop and think about whether you are holding yourself to a different standard than other people. If you feel like you are an exception to the rules that apply to everyone else (what is a minimally acceptable healthy weight, what is a healthy weight range, what is a healthy size, what your weight and size say about you) then it is the ED lying to you. There will be bad days, but you have shown that you have the strength to get through them. Don't believe the lies.



This comment really got me thinking
Because I think I do hold myself to a different standard to others
A much harsher standard
I don't judge others by what they look like
I don't see a person for the size of their body
I see them for the size of their heart
But when it comes to myself
I am so very critical
I worry that people think I am fat
I worry that I am not a size that is acceptable in society
I hate on my own body
And that is just not right

I think a lot of us ED girls hold ourselves to an impossible standard
We strive for perfection
And nothing less will do
And we are so hard on ourselves when we fall short of that standard
It's sad really
Because our best should be enough
We should be enough
I have so many amazing people around me
And I am pretty sure not one of them is judging me on my weight
Or what my hair is like
Or what clothes I wear
They like me for my personality
For my quirks and foibles
For my crazy sense of humour
For my love of laughter
Their love for me has absolutely nothing to do with how I look
And my love for them is solely based on them as a person
Not what brand names they wear
Or what they weigh

The last few days have been pretty hard
As I try to make sense of this new situation
This new body
This new life
I am trying to see my body for the amazing instrument that it is
It has survived so much abuse
So much hard living
It's been through so much
I used to look at super skinny girls
And wish that I looked like them
But I have noticed recently that I am looking at curvy girls
And thinking that I would love to look like that
I used to always go for the heroin chic look
Skinny body
Pale skin
Dark eyes
Sharp cheekbones
But now I am more attracted to curves and shape
A healthy look
This is something of a revelation for me
And it's also a surprise to me that I now feel this way
I now have a bum
I have hips
And boobs
Sharp edges and pointy bones have given way to soft curves
And dare I say it
I am starting to like my new body
I have said before
That I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
And I feel ok on the inside
My mood is stable
My depression and anxiety are under control
I feel strong
And healthy
And capable
And able
I am starting to feel comfortable in this new body
And getting rid of my old anorectic clothes has been a huge part of this
Trying to squeeze in to those clothes at this size was ridiculous
I now have new clothes
Clothes that fit me
And show off my new body
I feel good in them
Or at least I am beginning to

It's weird
I kind of feel like I am cheating on anorexia
That I am a traitor
Going behind her back to have an affair with being healthy
I almost feel guilty
Like I should be loyal to her
Even though she is a cruel bully
I still feel like I am two timing her
Does that even make sense?

My sister keeps reminding me that I am in recovery
And I need to be gentle with myself
And be kind to myself
She is so right
I need to give myself a break
I've been punishing myself for long enough
We've been suffering for long enough
Life is too short
To waste it on this cruel illness
I want to live
I choose to live

Confession

Ok
It's time to be honest
I am struggling a bit
Having examined photos of myself from my last post
And others that have been taken recently
And I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed fat
It's not a feeling
It's not an emotion
It's not a state of mind
It's a fact
My body is big and cumbersome
My face is round and moon like
My ass could have it's own solar system
It's true
I have let myself go
And there has been major back lash

My purging is increasing
I had got it down to once a day
If even that
But over the last few days
It has crept up to multiple times a day
And there have been days when I have restricted too
It's so hard to admit this
But I have to
I have to be honest
What is the point in pretending that everything is ok
When it's not

I don't feel like myself
I feel like this weight does not suit me
I feel like there is so much of me
Too much of me

I guess it is normal to feel like this
This body is still very new
And everyone keeps telling me to hang in there
But being a person who wants everything NOW
That is proving very difficult

I keep finding myself thinking
'If I could only lose Xkg, then I would be happy'
But that's exactly the kind of thinking that got me in to this mess in the first place
Thinking that a certain weight equals happiness
I know better than to fall for that one
But still
It's so tempting
To eat less
And purge more
And weigh
And carefully record the numbers
To feel the buzz of an empty stomach
The relief of purging
It's so very tempting

Today I am not ok
And that's ok
It's ok not to feel f**king fantastic
Every minute
Or every day
It's ok to feel the pull of my eating disorder
The important thing is to keep talking and writing about
To keep telling on it
Her voice is so loud at the moment
A whisper has grown to be a roar
It's hard to stay strong all the time
It's exhausting trying to fight her day in day out
Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle
That there is no point in even standing up to my ED
I feel no match for her

It's days like this when I need to hear that I am doing ok
That it's ok to feel this way
It's days like this when I need to have a good cry
A cuppa and a smoke
Oh what I would do for  a smoke and a cuppa right now
It's days like this when I need a hug from my nearest and dearest
I need to hear that everything is going to be alright
That I am going to be alright
That there is light at the end of this dark tunnel
That all this pain and suffering is not in vain
That I will get through this
And come out stronger than ever

I guess I am just jaded today
My body is hurting
My mind is in turmoil
I feel torn between what I know I should do
And what my ED wants me to do
I need to eat
It's the single most important thing about recovery
Food
And probably the single most difficult thing about recovery
I feel the pull of restriction
I count the hours since I have last eaten
And I feel a sense of satisfaction
Shit Ruby
That is so wrong
And it is a slippery slope

I need to be a bit kinder to myself
I need to be gentle
Treat myself the way I would treat anyone else
With love and patience
I''m not ok
Right now
Today
At this very minute
I am not ok
But I will be
I will get there
I will be ok........

Story?

I was contacted by a journalist yesterday
She is interested in doing a story on me
She is a freelance journalist
So I don't know what publication it is yet
It's also a paid article
She rang me yesterday
And we spoke for some time
Part of me is really excited to do this
I want to share my story with as many people as possible
I want to show that there is life beyond an eating disorder
That it is possible to get out relatively unscathed
How ever I made it clear that things are not perfect
And I still have a lot of work to do
But part of me is also a bit wary
Putting myself out there like that sounds pretty scary
As she would use my real name
And she also asked for photos
l guess I need to be careful
Not to put myself in a vulnerable position

The journalist found me through this blog
After a few emails back and forth
I gave her my phone number
And she rang yesterday afternoon
She asked me a lot of questions
About both my ED and my drug addiction
She said she thought my story would resonate with readers
I know I need to be cautious here
And not give away too much of myself
But I still want to do it
I didn't talk about my family at all
Other than to say that they are very supportive
Which they are
She even asked me if I had pets
I told her about Honey and Lea
And she asked for some photos of them
I told her how when I was in hospital last year
Lea's fur started to fall out
And the vet could not find any medical explanation for it
It continued to fall out over the next few months
And then when I came home
And started to get well
Her fur started to grow back
I think that is really amazing
And I have no doubt that her fur fell out due to stress
And she began to recover when I did
It makes perfect sense

This is the second time that a journalist has contacted me to tell my story
If you remember a journalist from the Telegraph contacted me last year
When I was in treatment
That turned out well
The article was considered and well written
So I just hope this goes the same way

I was wondering about you
Have you ever been contacted through your blog to do something like this?
If you were me would you do the story?

Clothes Post

As my weight is ever changing
I have had to buy some new clothes
I have put all my 'anorectic' clothes away
I haven't been able to get rid of them yet
Can you think of any suggestions as how to say goodbye to my skinny clothes?
I threw my scale in the lake near my house
I smashed my ashtray with a hammer
Now I need to find a creative way to get rid of my old clothes
All suggestions welcome..........

Grey top -  Roxy
Blue Jeans - Roxy
(Yes I wear a lot of surf clothes and no I am not a surfer)

Please excuse my fatness

Cream top - Dorothy Perkins
Maroon chinos - Brakeburn

Couldn't resist this onsie - Penneys

This sums me up today

Hospital

I was in the hospital this morning with my sister
As she had to have some tests done
It was very strange being back there
The last time I was there was when I had pancreatitis
In March of last year
And before that I was in there in 2007 for 3 weeks with my ED
At the lowest weight I have ever been

The smell of antiseptic and sickness hit me as I walked in the door
I saw the shop on my left where I used to magazines
The toilets where I used to go to purge
The smoking area where I chain smoked cigarettes
I saw faces that looked familiar
The church where my mother brought me to mass
I wasn't allowed walk
And had to be pushed in a wheel chair
I remember hating that
But they wouldn't let me go anywhere without it

Back in 2007 I was eating very little
And I was working too
I was running on adrenaline
As my body was getting very little fuel
I had been feeling so weak and dizzy
That my mother insisted that we go in to A&E
I didn't put a fight
I didn't have the energy

My memories are very foggy from that hospital stay
I remember in A&E the nurses were so so nice to me
One in particular was so kind
I'll never forget her
I was worried that they would send me home
And tell me that nothing was wrong
But they took my case very seriously
I learned later that a girl had died from anorexia some weeks previous
So I guess they were being super cautious with me

After a long day in casualty on a drip
I was brought up to a ward
Where I was weighed
Afterwards I heard the nurses talking
'My God, she only weighs xxkg'
I myself had no idea of how thin I was
But my Dad told me recently that I looked like a 'bag of bones' around that time

The next day I was given a room of my own
This was a bad idea for me
But great for my ED
I ate my food
But I purged every bit of it
I also plagued the poor staff for meds
Namely sleeping tablets
I had no intention of playing along with them to get well
I was just there for a rest

That hospital stay lasted about a week
And I left no better
I was back in within weeks
This time they did things a lot different
They put me in a high observation ward
So they could keep an eye on me
And also had a care worker sit with me most of the day
This made maintaining my ED a lot more difficult
But I was very creative
And still managed to get away with a lot
Like hiding my food
Or pretending I had drank my Ensures
When really I had tipped them down the sink
I was weighed every second day
My weight continued to drop

In hospital I spent my days reading, writing and sleeping
I hated getting visitors as I just didn't have the energy to talk and be sociable
My Dad used to come every day
But that was fine
As he used to read his paper while I slept
He drove and hour every day to see me
And always brought my favourite chocolate

My carer used to bring for a smoke a few times a day
Thinking back I had no idea how bad things were
It never even occurred to me that I was in danger
Never mind die
My body and mind were so starved that I was in another place
A place where nothing really registers
Where feelings are not felt
And emotions mean nothing
I was numb
There was nothing going on behind my eyes
I was held hostage by anorexia
And she kept me distant and cold

I stayed in that hospital for about 3 weeks
Before I was transferred to the local psychiatric hospital
As much of a pain it is to be in hospital
I have some fond memories of being there
The staff were so nice to me
Although some did keep their distance
I don't think they knew what to say to me
And my illness being so obvious meant you couldn't really avoid the subject
Looking back I am lucky to be alive
Given what I have put my body through

It was good today
To be going to hospital with some one else
And not being the patient for once
My sisters tests came back clear
So that was a relief
And I was glad to leave the hospital
Here's hoping I won't have to go back anytime soon........

500

So today is my 500th post
Which is a bit of a milestone
So much has happened
I started writing this blog May 2012
At time I wasn't interested in recovery
In fact in the beginning my blog was quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting
And taking diet pills
And generally being a bold Ruby

The last two and a bit years really have been a roller coaster
I was hospitalized with pancreatitis
I spoke at an eating disorder conference
I met Mary
I travelled to Australia to see my sister
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
But I am still here
Just about

Things have changed a lot since 2012
My mind set has shifted
I'm not entirely sure when or why
Probably when my meds were changed around
And we finally found a combination that worked
My mood lifted
And that made everything else so much easier
I had been purging endlessly every day
Spending so much money on food
Not to mention stealing food
I remember one night when my Dad was staying here
I used to wait until he had gone to bed
And then start binging
This particular night
He went to bed as usual
As soon as I heard his footsteps up the stairs
I headed for the kitchen
And raided the presses
I put a pot of pasta on
And began making a sandwich to have while I was waiting
Next thing I heard the kitchen door open
I had been so engrossed in my binging
That I didn't hear him coming down the stairs
He came in and caught me mid binge
He just shook his head
And walked back out
I can remember feeling so shit
But I couldn't stop
I was out of control

There were days when I thought I was going mad
I remember going to my Mother one morning
And telling her that I thought I needed to sign myself in
Because I thought I was losing it
And I really did
My thoughts were becoming so warped
I was paranoid
Couldn't be around people
Couldn't make sense of anything
And the binging and purging was reaching crisis point
My Mother sat me down and spoke to me
I remember I went out with her that day
I felt a little better
But only a little

Having the pancreatitis was a real low point
It was after that
That I lost all the weight again
And got really sick

Then of course there was treatment
This time last year I was preparing to go to hospital
I was so motivated before going in
But when I got there
It all just evaporated
Things went downhill
I couldn't let myself gain weight
I manipulated staff to get more meds
I purged multiple times every day
Then was discharged just before Christmas

Christmas came and went
I had a family wedding
So that was quite stressful
I went back in to treatment around New Year
But I didn't do anything different
And I've since come to the conclusion that treatment just doesn't work for me
It's just too hard being around other girls with EDs
There was a constant competition
To be the thinnest
And the sickest
It just didn't work

I came out of treatment in February
And continued to slip
My weight dropped the lowest it's been in years
The outlook was grim
I sank in to depression
I was so lost
So low
So hopeless
This culminated in an overdose
Which I told nobody about
It wasn't until a week later that I told Mary
She took action immediately
And I saw my psychiatrist the next day
He put me on 40mg of Prozac
But I didn't hold out much hope
I have put on so many meds over the years
And they rarely helped

But then something happened
The dark cloud in my mind began to lift
The heaviness shifted
And my mood started to get better
Bit by bit
That made everything a little bit easier
The binging and the purging miraculously ceased
Not completely
But it was a hell of a lot better
Mu quality of life improved
I started to see my friends again
I got out in to the world again
It's was a feakin' revelation my friends

My weight began to increase right around the time I started the Prozac
But I'm pretty sure that it wasn't just the meds
It was the fact the I was a lot more relaxed around food
I can't lie
The weight gain has been really difficult to come to terms with
It's probably the hardest part of all of this
But I'm  listening to the advice that my mother gave me
And I am going to hang in there

Other events were that
I gave up smoking after 20 years
I threw my scale in the lake
And I got finally got my teeth fixed

So that's the last two and a half years in a nutshell
It's been eventful to say the least
Let's just hope that the next two years are better

Happy 500th post blog!!!

Here's some photos from the last 2 years