The Experiment

I seem to be going through a rather strange phase at the moment
Things are a bit all over the place over here in ED land
One minute I am absolutely hating my body
Hating the lumps and bumps
And curves and shapes
The next minute I really like by new body
Me new bum
My chest
And this changes from one moment to the next
I can't seem to decide if I like my body or not

It's the same with recovery
One minute I am kicking anorexia's ass
And feeling so powerful and strong
The next minute my head is in the toilet bowl

And with life in general
Sometimes I feel so positive about the future
I feel like there is a fulfilling life for me
But then sometimes I feel like I have no future
That I've messed up so badly that there is no going back

I really do feel like an emotional yo-yo
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
There doesn't seem to be an in between with me
It's one or the other
Black or white
All or nothing

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so impulsive
And so easily influenced
If I see a photo of a skinny girl
I immediately want to be like her
But then minutes later I might read something about recovery
And I'll be all fired up with positivity
There's no middle ground

I've had quite a lot of back lash from weighing yesterday
It's been hard to eat today
And I really pushed myself with exercise
So much so that I slept or 3 hours this afternoon
I was just so tired

As you know I started swimming again recently
For the first few times it was lovely
So relaxing
But then I started counting my lengths
And tried to beat that number every time I went
This is where it stops being enjoyable
And starts becoming a competition with myself

I know that I am on a slippery slope at the moment
I know that my ED is  waiting with open arms
I also know that it's ridiculous to assume that I will 100% motivated
Every minute of every day
I know that it comes and goes
Some days it's there
Somedays it's MIA
I need to make a decision
One way or the other
And stick to it

I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I told myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months
And if it didn't work out
I could always go back
My ED will always be there
But recovery might not
So I need to treat it like an experiment
Try recovery
See what the results are
Then make an informed decision

This limbo of being somewhere in between is doing my head in
I'm neither here nor there
I 'm in a wishy washy no man's land
Pulled in two different directions
It's time to pick a side
And get on with the rest of my life

So the experiment starts today
Recovery
I mean the real recovery starts here
Not the half assed
Can't make up my silly mind recovery that I have been practicing
It's time to get serious
To give it 100%
I will never get to where I want to go if I half ass it
It's time to go full pelt
To take it day by day
Meal by meal
This means no purging
No over exercising
No restricting
I need to get my s**t together
It's time
The experiment starts here

TW

I weighed this morning
God knows why
But I did
I've lost weight
For the first time in I don't know how long
I've lost weight
I don't know how I feel about this
A mixture of thrilled and terrified
Losing weight always gives me the hunger to lose more
To starve more
To purge more
To be no more
To be less
I'm not trying to lose weight
And now I have triggered myself
I feel like such a hypocrite writing about this
When I wrote about finding it hard to read some blogs talking about weight loss
And now I'm writing about it myself

I need to not let this get to me
I need to carry on as if nothing had happened
It's probably just my weight settling down
But what worries me is that I carefully recorded the number in my new notebook
As if it mattered

Anyway
Hopefully it's just my weight adjusting
I just need to be strong
And not let this effect me
It's hard though
It's really hard.......

One thing

We all know that we are very good at picking out things about ourselves that we don't like
I could give you a list of things that I don't like about my body
Starting at my head
And working down to my toes
It would be a lengthy list
Very specific
Formed over years of hating on my own body
My poor body has taken some abuse over the years
I've insulted it
Called it names
Abused it
And just generally have not been very nice to it

So in an effort to promote some positive body image
I asking you to name one thing about your body that you like
And don't worry
I am playing along too
Mine is my eye lashes
They are long and thick
No need for falsies here

I know it's hard
I know that we can list off every little thing that we don't like
So I ask you today to give your body  a break
And give it a little compliment
Just for today
I promise you your body will thank you for it



What is one thing that you like about your body?

Torn between blogs

Something that has come up for me over the last couple of months
Is reading others blogs
I have always read a mixture of blogs
Recovery blogs
Blogs of those who are still in the midst of their illness
Those who are somewhere in between
But since I have tried to pursue recovery
This has become very tricky
As some blogs I now find very difficult to read
Because the person is in a bad place
Because I care about them
And don't want to see them like this
It makes me so sad to see people I love struggle so much
And it can also be triggering sometimes
When someone mention numbers

So this is my dilemma
Do I continue to read these blogs
Out of loyalty to my friends
Or do I avoid them
So as to protect myself

Usually I read the first few lines of someone's blog on my Google reader
So I know the gist of the post
And whether it's going to be triggering or not
And most kind people put a trigger warning anyway
So I can choose whether to read or not
And it's not really someone who is struggling generally
It's those who mention weights, calories and numbers
And those who are actively trying to lose weight

I guess it's similar to real life
And who you choose to surround yourself with
Do you choose to be around people in the same position as you?
Or do you surround yourself with a mixture of people?

I feel bad that sometimes I avoid the blog of someone that I really care about
But sometimes I have to
For my own protection
For my own piece of mind
I hope you understand this
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
Or care any less
It just means that I need to put my own recovery first
As it is so very fragile
I hope you understand...........

Update on the story

As I wrote on Friday
A journalist contacted me through my blog
She is interested in doing a story on me
After a few emails back and forth
I gave her my number
And she rang me for a chat
We spoke for some time
And she asked me some questions about my addiction and eating disorder
I was quite open and gave away a lot of information
Then over the weekend I panicked a bit
Panicked that I had given too much away
Without asking her enough questions about the article she was going to write
I suddenly became very anxious
I sent the journalist a couple of emails to ask some questions
Then panicked even more when I didn't hear back from her
So I sent her a firm but polite email stating that I did not want anything published without my say so
I didn't hear anything back from her all weekend
But I felt a bit better knowing that I had said my piece

Then first thing this morning
I had an email from the journalist
She apologized that she had been away from her desk all weekend
And so only got my emails this morning
She wrote that she would definitely not publish anything without my permission
And asked if I had any concerns
I wanted to know what kind of publications she writes
She told me that she writes for a variety of newspapers and magazines
And that the angle she wanted to take on my story was my dogs
And how much they have helped me in my recovery
I have to admit that I liked the sound of that
As you know my dogs are a huge part of my life
I got them when I first moved to this area 9 years ago
And they have been by my side ever since
They have been through so much with me
And I honestly don't know if I would have got well without them

I think this angle is really interesting
We all know that dogs are super intelligent
Guide dogs
And disability dogs
Police dogs
And rescue dogs
But they are also great companions
And they positive medical effects of having a dog have been proven
Recently I saw a show on tv about dogs that helped during 9/ll
The police and fire fighters used dogs to find bodies in the rubble
It was fascinating because the dogs used to get depressed if they could find people
So the fire fighters used to hide and let the dogs find them
I find that so amazing

My dogs are my bestfriends
I literally spend all day with them
We get up in the morning
And I bring them to wake up my sister and my mother
Then we head off in the car
To the beach
Or the lake
They are so good that I don't even have to put them on a lead
They just trot beside me
Then we come home and  I blog
And they have a treat before taking a nap
Honey sits on her chair
And Lea like to sleep in the car
Then they have their dinner which they love
They might potter around the garden for a while
And then I maybe take them out again in the evening

In darkest days they were such a comfort
When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning
I got up for them
When I just wanted to hide in my house
I left to walk them
I couldn't imagine life without them

When I went in to hospital this time last year
They took it very hard
Mum didn't tell me at the time as she didn't want to worry me
But Lea became quite depressed
She spent a lot of time in her bed
And her fur began to fall out
So much that she had a huge bald patch on her back
My Dad brought her to the vet
They took blood tests
But they came back normal
All other tests were normal too
And they couldn't find medical explanation as to why it was falling out
This continued all the while I was in hospital
And Lea continued to be down

When I came home from hospital in February
Lea's mood began to pick up
Although her fur had stopped falling out
It wasn't growing back either
Then in April things began to look up for me
My mood improved
Amy anxiety
lessened
And of course I gained weight
Then an amazing thing happened
Bit by bit Lea's fur began to grow  back
And she was back to her usual self
I was delighted
So happy that she was getting well
And I have no doubt in my mind that she began to get well when I did

I asked my vet recently of this could have been the cause of her fur loss
The stress of me being unwell and away so much
She said that if Lea was stressed
She would have been producing a lot of the hormone cortisol
And that could have been the reason for her fur loss
I just find that so amazing
It was almost like she was unwell in sympathy with me
She is a very sensitive dog
So it makes perfect sense

The journalist is ringing me again today
To talk about the next step
I am still unsure if I am going to proceed with the story
So I guess I will keep my options open........

Is your eating normal?

I saw this over Izzy's blog this morning
And I thought it looked interesting
I think I am somewhere in between the two
Not quite 100% normal
But getting there
Purging has become something of a problem again
I don't know why
But I seem to be doing it more often these days
It has crept back in like the little evil little devil that it is

Is your eating normal?

Thank you!

I want to thank each and every one of you
For your support
For your comments
And emails
And well wishes
I have been struggling to come to terms with my situation at the moment
But I have been overwhelmed with encouragement from you all
It truly means more than you will ever know

I didn't know where this blog was heading when I started writing it
I had been reading blogs for a while
And one night decided to start my own
Like a lot of my decisions
It was made on impulse
I was in a dark place
I was lonely
Isolated
Depressed
And anxious
The first couple of months of my writing was very unhealthy
I had no interest in trying to recover
I was only interested in maintaining my illness
And meeting like minded people
Which I did
But I never felt comfortable encouraging others weigh loss
So I don't do that
And never have
I don't congratulate when someone loses weight
I don't comment at all
I'm more interested in the person
Rather than what they weigh

Tempest left a very interesting comment on my last post
Which I will share here

When you find yourself thinking something like this, stop and think about whether you are holding yourself to a different standard than other people. If you feel like you are an exception to the rules that apply to everyone else (what is a minimally acceptable healthy weight, what is a healthy weight range, what is a healthy size, what your weight and size say about you) then it is the ED lying to you. There will be bad days, but you have shown that you have the strength to get through them. Don't believe the lies.



This comment really got me thinking
Because I think I do hold myself to a different standard to others
A much harsher standard
I don't judge others by what they look like
I don't see a person for the size of their body
I see them for the size of their heart
But when it comes to myself
I am so very critical
I worry that people think I am fat
I worry that I am not a size that is acceptable in society
I hate on my own body
And that is just not right

I think a lot of us ED girls hold ourselves to an impossible standard
We strive for perfection
And nothing less will do
And we are so hard on ourselves when we fall short of that standard
It's sad really
Because our best should be enough
We should be enough
I have so many amazing people around me
And I am pretty sure not one of them is judging me on my weight
Or what my hair is like
Or what clothes I wear
They like me for my personality
For my quirks and foibles
For my crazy sense of humour
For my love of laughter
Their love for me has absolutely nothing to do with how I look
And my love for them is solely based on them as a person
Not what brand names they wear
Or what they weigh

The last few days have been pretty hard
As I try to make sense of this new situation
This new body
This new life
I am trying to see my body for the amazing instrument that it is
It has survived so much abuse
So much hard living
It's been through so much
I used to look at super skinny girls
And wish that I looked like them
But I have noticed recently that I am looking at curvy girls
And thinking that I would love to look like that
I used to always go for the heroin chic look
Skinny body
Pale skin
Dark eyes
Sharp cheekbones
But now I am more attracted to curves and shape
A healthy look
This is something of a revelation for me
And it's also a surprise to me that I now feel this way
I now have a bum
I have hips
And boobs
Sharp edges and pointy bones have given way to soft curves
And dare I say it
I am starting to like my new body
I have said before
That I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
And I feel ok on the inside
My mood is stable
My depression and anxiety are under control
I feel strong
And healthy
And capable
And able
I am starting to feel comfortable in this new body
And getting rid of my old anorectic clothes has been a huge part of this
Trying to squeeze in to those clothes at this size was ridiculous
I now have new clothes
Clothes that fit me
And show off my new body
I feel good in them
Or at least I am beginning to

It's weird
I kind of feel like I am cheating on anorexia
That I am a traitor
Going behind her back to have an affair with being healthy
I almost feel guilty
Like I should be loyal to her
Even though she is a cruel bully
I still feel like I am two timing her
Does that even make sense?

My sister keeps reminding me that I am in recovery
And I need to be gentle with myself
And be kind to myself
She is so right
I need to give myself a break
I've been punishing myself for long enough
We've been suffering for long enough
Life is too short
To waste it on this cruel illness
I want to live
I choose to live