Dance, dance, dance.......

I love to dance
I've always loved to dance
Ever since I begged my Mother to let me go to ballet classes when I was a little girl
I remember when I got my first pair of ballet shoes
I was in awe
They were the most beautiful things that I had ever seen
It didn't matter that they were second hand
It didn't matter that they were worn and a bit tattered
What matter was that now I was a real dancer
Complete with pale pink ballet slippers

I started ballet in grade 2
And continued up to grade 7
Achieving distinction in all my exams bar one
Dancing was my whole life
In a world that was full of chaos and uncertainty
It kept me sane
And grounded
It took me to another place
Away from sadness, pain and hurt

When I hit puberty and became a teenager
Dancing began to lose it's luster
Now all I was interested in was my friends, boys and my new past time of smoking
I was turning in too a bit of a rebel
And ballet just didn't fit in to that image
I remember my last ballet class
I was there under protest
The only reason I agreed to be there
Was that I was getting the results of my grade 6 exam
I had been out the night before
Drinking and smoking with friends
And hadn't had a wink of sleep
I was in a zombie like state
Not asleep
But not quite awake either
I got through the class
Feeling like I might pass out at any minute
There were 3 of us in the class
At the end of the hour our teacher gathered us to give us our results
'Two of you passed with a merit and one of you passed with distinction' she announced
I wasn't bothered one way or the other
So when she broke the news that I had got the distinction
I barely cracked a smile
I walked out of the ballet studio
With my certificate in my hands
I've never returned since

Even though I stopped studying dance
That doesn't mean that I have stopped dancing
I spent my late teens and early twenties throwing shapes in night clubs and at raves
And I've always had a sneaky dance in my bedroom with the radio up full blast
Then about 6 years ago
I set up a dance class for kids in my local area
Mainly hip-hop and street dance
I had no experience in that area
So I bought some DVDs and basically taught myself
I ran three classes a week
And thoroughly enjoyed it
The money was great too as I was working for myself
We put on shows
At Halloween and Christmas
I loved it
And I think the kids did too

I taught for a couple of years
Until things started to go pear shaped
I began to lose weight again
And over night
I lost my confidence
I just couldn't do it any more
The thought of standing up in front of a class of kids terrified me
So I stopped
And I haven't been back to teaching since

Since then I have done little bits of dancing
2 years ago I participated in a 1920's themed competition for charity
I've done Dance for Life
And Zumba
But mostly I dance on my own
Where I can really let go and just be my crazy self
I dance in various places
My kitchen
My bedroom
The shower
And my car
I love to dance in my car

You are probably wondering where this is heading
It is heading somewhere
I just thought that I would give you some back ground information first

It was yesterday
My sister and I had gone to yoga in the morning
Had lunch
And then gone for a walk with the dogs in the afternoon
Afterwards we stopped off at the supermarket
And I ran in to pick up something for dinner
When I got back in to the car
One of my favourite songs of the moment was playing
'Shake it off' by Taylor Swift
This is the part when I admit to really liking her
She is my guilty pleasure
Her songs are catchy
Her lyrics are clever
I love that she is a bit country
And I just generally think that she is super cute

So when I heard this song
I immediately started to dance in my sear
And singing along to the words at the top of my lungs
My sister passed no remarks
As she is used to my antics by this stage
I was really getting in to it
My arms were up over my head
My head was thrown back
My eyes were closed
Oh yes
I thought that I was shit hot
I was having a great ol' time for myself
When I opened my eyes at one point
I saw a guy walking by my car laughing his head off
'Nice moves' he said
As he walked to his car
Which was parked bumper to bumper with mine
I immediately stopped dancing
Mortified is an understatement
And I'm pretty sure that I turned puce red too
My sister was in knots laughing at this point
And it really was funny

They guy was getting in to his car
And put his cup of coffee on the roof as he opened the car door
I was trying not to meet his eye
But I could see that he was still laughing
He started his car
And was just about to pull off
When he remembered  his coffee on the roof
I started to laugh and pointed at his coffee
'Karma's a bitch' I said
He grabbed his coffee
Now it was his turn to be mortified
He jumped back in his van and drove off

I really enjoyed that little exchange
And the guy was not half bad looking either
We were going to follow his van
But being a stalker is not a good look
So we decided against it

So what is the moral of this story?
Well, the moral is to dance
No matter where you are
No matter what you are doing
Or who is watching
Dance, dance, dance!
You never know what it might lead to..........

The Experiment

I seem to be going through a rather strange phase at the moment
Things are a bit all over the place over here in ED land
One minute I am absolutely hating my body
Hating the lumps and bumps
And curves and shapes
The next minute I really like by new body
Me new bum
My chest
And this changes from one moment to the next
I can't seem to decide if I like my body or not

It's the same with recovery
One minute I am kicking anorexia's ass
And feeling so powerful and strong
The next minute my head is in the toilet bowl

And with life in general
Sometimes I feel so positive about the future
I feel like there is a fulfilling life for me
But then sometimes I feel like I have no future
That I've messed up so badly that there is no going back

I really do feel like an emotional yo-yo
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
There doesn't seem to be an in between with me
It's one or the other
Black or white
All or nothing

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am so impulsive
And so easily influenced
If I see a photo of a skinny girl
I immediately want to be like her
But then minutes later I might read something about recovery
And I'll be all fired up with positivity
There's no middle ground

I've had quite a lot of back lash from weighing yesterday
It's been hard to eat today
And I really pushed myself with exercise
So much so that I slept or 3 hours this afternoon
I was just so tired

As you know I started swimming again recently
For the first few times it was lovely
So relaxing
But then I started counting my lengths
And tried to beat that number every time I went
This is where it stops being enjoyable
And starts becoming a competition with myself

I know that I am on a slippery slope at the moment
I know that my ED is  waiting with open arms
I also know that it's ridiculous to assume that I will 100% motivated
Every minute of every day
I know that it comes and goes
Some days it's there
Somedays it's MIA
I need to make a decision
One way or the other
And stick to it

I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I told myself that I would give recovery a go for 6 months
And if it didn't work out
I could always go back
My ED will always be there
But recovery might not
So I need to treat it like an experiment
Try recovery
See what the results are
Then make an informed decision

This limbo of being somewhere in between is doing my head in
I'm neither here nor there
I 'm in a wishy washy no man's land
Pulled in two different directions
It's time to pick a side
And get on with the rest of my life

So the experiment starts today
Recovery
I mean the real recovery starts here
Not the half assed
Can't make up my silly mind recovery that I have been practicing
It's time to get serious
To give it 100%
I will never get to where I want to go if I half ass it
It's time to go full pelt
To take it day by day
Meal by meal
This means no purging
No over exercising
No restricting
I need to get my s**t together
It's time
The experiment starts here

TW

I weighed this morning
God knows why
But I did
I've lost weight
For the first time in I don't know how long
I've lost weight
I don't know how I feel about this
A mixture of thrilled and terrified
Losing weight always gives me the hunger to lose more
To starve more
To purge more
To be no more
To be less
I'm not trying to lose weight
And now I have triggered myself
I feel like such a hypocrite writing about this
When I wrote about finding it hard to read some blogs talking about weight loss
And now I'm writing about it myself

I need to not let this get to me
I need to carry on as if nothing had happened
It's probably just my weight settling down
But what worries me is that I carefully recorded the number in my new notebook
As if it mattered

Anyway
Hopefully it's just my weight adjusting
I just need to be strong
And not let this effect me
It's hard though
It's really hard.......

One thing

We all know that we are very good at picking out things about ourselves that we don't like
I could give you a list of things that I don't like about my body
Starting at my head
And working down to my toes
It would be a lengthy list
Very specific
Formed over years of hating on my own body
My poor body has taken some abuse over the years
I've insulted it
Called it names
Abused it
And just generally have not been very nice to it

So in an effort to promote some positive body image
I asking you to name one thing about your body that you like
And don't worry
I am playing along too
Mine is my eye lashes
They are long and thick
No need for falsies here

I know it's hard
I know that we can list off every little thing that we don't like
So I ask you today to give your body  a break
And give it a little compliment
Just for today
I promise you your body will thank you for it



What is one thing that you like about your body?

Torn between blogs

Something that has come up for me over the last couple of months
Is reading others blogs
I have always read a mixture of blogs
Recovery blogs
Blogs of those who are still in the midst of their illness
Those who are somewhere in between
But since I have tried to pursue recovery
This has become very tricky
As some blogs I now find very difficult to read
Because the person is in a bad place
Because I care about them
And don't want to see them like this
It makes me so sad to see people I love struggle so much
And it can also be triggering sometimes
When someone mention numbers

So this is my dilemma
Do I continue to read these blogs
Out of loyalty to my friends
Or do I avoid them
So as to protect myself

Usually I read the first few lines of someone's blog on my Google reader
So I know the gist of the post
And whether it's going to be triggering or not
And most kind people put a trigger warning anyway
So I can choose whether to read or not
And it's not really someone who is struggling generally
It's those who mention weights, calories and numbers
And those who are actively trying to lose weight

I guess it's similar to real life
And who you choose to surround yourself with
Do you choose to be around people in the same position as you?
Or do you surround yourself with a mixture of people?

I feel bad that sometimes I avoid the blog of someone that I really care about
But sometimes I have to
For my own protection
For my own piece of mind
I hope you understand this
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
Or care any less
It just means that I need to put my own recovery first
As it is so very fragile
I hope you understand...........

Update on the story

As I wrote on Friday
A journalist contacted me through my blog
She is interested in doing a story on me
After a few emails back and forth
I gave her my number
And she rang me for a chat
We spoke for some time
And she asked me some questions about my addiction and eating disorder
I was quite open and gave away a lot of information
Then over the weekend I panicked a bit
Panicked that I had given too much away
Without asking her enough questions about the article she was going to write
I suddenly became very anxious
I sent the journalist a couple of emails to ask some questions
Then panicked even more when I didn't hear back from her
So I sent her a firm but polite email stating that I did not want anything published without my say so
I didn't hear anything back from her all weekend
But I felt a bit better knowing that I had said my piece

Then first thing this morning
I had an email from the journalist
She apologized that she had been away from her desk all weekend
And so only got my emails this morning
She wrote that she would definitely not publish anything without my permission
And asked if I had any concerns
I wanted to know what kind of publications she writes
She told me that she writes for a variety of newspapers and magazines
And that the angle she wanted to take on my story was my dogs
And how much they have helped me in my recovery
I have to admit that I liked the sound of that
As you know my dogs are a huge part of my life
I got them when I first moved to this area 9 years ago
And they have been by my side ever since
They have been through so much with me
And I honestly don't know if I would have got well without them

I think this angle is really interesting
We all know that dogs are super intelligent
Guide dogs
And disability dogs
Police dogs
And rescue dogs
But they are also great companions
And they positive medical effects of having a dog have been proven
Recently I saw a show on tv about dogs that helped during 9/ll
The police and fire fighters used dogs to find bodies in the rubble
It was fascinating because the dogs used to get depressed if they could find people
So the fire fighters used to hide and let the dogs find them
I find that so amazing

My dogs are my bestfriends
I literally spend all day with them
We get up in the morning
And I bring them to wake up my sister and my mother
Then we head off in the car
To the beach
Or the lake
They are so good that I don't even have to put them on a lead
They just trot beside me
Then we come home and  I blog
And they have a treat before taking a nap
Honey sits on her chair
And Lea like to sleep in the car
Then they have their dinner which they love
They might potter around the garden for a while
And then I maybe take them out again in the evening

In darkest days they were such a comfort
When I couldn't find a reason to get up in the morning
I got up for them
When I just wanted to hide in my house
I left to walk them
I couldn't imagine life without them

When I went in to hospital this time last year
They took it very hard
Mum didn't tell me at the time as she didn't want to worry me
But Lea became quite depressed
She spent a lot of time in her bed
And her fur began to fall out
So much that she had a huge bald patch on her back
My Dad brought her to the vet
They took blood tests
But they came back normal
All other tests were normal too
And they couldn't find medical explanation as to why it was falling out
This continued all the while I was in hospital
And Lea continued to be down

When I came home from hospital in February
Lea's mood began to pick up
Although her fur had stopped falling out
It wasn't growing back either
Then in April things began to look up for me
My mood improved
Amy anxiety
lessened
And of course I gained weight
Then an amazing thing happened
Bit by bit Lea's fur began to grow  back
And she was back to her usual self
I was delighted
So happy that she was getting well
And I have no doubt in my mind that she began to get well when I did

I asked my vet recently of this could have been the cause of her fur loss
The stress of me being unwell and away so much
She said that if Lea was stressed
She would have been producing a lot of the hormone cortisol
And that could have been the reason for her fur loss
I just find that so amazing
It was almost like she was unwell in sympathy with me
She is a very sensitive dog
So it makes perfect sense

The journalist is ringing me again today
To talk about the next step
I am still unsure if I am going to proceed with the story
So I guess I will keep my options open........

Is your eating normal?

I saw this over Izzy's blog this morning
And I thought it looked interesting
I think I am somewhere in between the two
Not quite 100% normal
But getting there
Purging has become something of a problem again
I don't know why
But I seem to be doing it more often these days
It has crept back in like the little evil little devil that it is

Is your eating normal?