Anxiety

I wanted to write about anxiety today
As something I have noticed that has improved recently is my anxiety
I can trace my anxiety back to when  I was a  teenager
I was bullied by girls from another school
And after school I was always anxious that I would run in to them
I also used to get anxious for no reason at all
I could be sitting in class
And all of a sudden I would get this horrible feeling
Like a wave of fear and anxiety washed over me
It was like having an out of body experience
And was very scary
It never occurred to me to tell anyone though
I thought people would think I was mas if I told them

The next few years were taken up with drug use
So I can't tell you if I was anxious then or not
But after I got clean
Anxiety creeped back in to my life
Around crowds of people
Around new people
Even around my some of my own family
It was a horrible feeling
If I had something coming up
Like a family gathering or event
I would start worrying weeks before the event
I would imagine all the things that could go wrong
All the stupid things I would say
And do
The anxiety of that would keep me in a constant state of worry and fear
I always projected in the future
And imagined the worst possible outcome
My anxiety usually was at it's height when I was anticipating an event
And usually the event wasn't as bad as I thought it would be

Despite my anxiety
I managed to live my life
It got in the way
But it didn't take over
Then when my ED got out of control
My anxiety really kicked in
It peaked when I was at my lowest weight
It seemed that the thinner I got
The more anxious I became
I'm sure there is a reason why the two are connected
Although I'm not sure what that is
I used to go to NA and AA meeting
And my anxiety went through the roof
They read out readings at the start of each meeting
And I remember praying that I wouldn't be asked to read one out
My anxiety actually had physical effects
My throat would get dry
My mouth would twitch
And my whole body would shake
It was truly horrible

When I first went in to hospital in 2007
They put me on olanzapine to help with my anxiety
I am now on 12.5mg a day
Does it help?
Well, kinda
Sort of
I dread to think what I would be like without it

At the beginning of this year
My anxiety began to take over
I came out of hospital in February
And continued to spiral downwards
I was in a constant state of anxiety
So much so that I rarely left the house
And only did so in the early morning to do my errands
I really felt like I was losing the plot
I remember going to my mother one morning
I told her that I needed to go in to hospital because I was going mad
I truly felt like I was

My anxiety kept me in a state of constant worry
If I was in the house
I would worry that someone would call to the house unexpectedly
And I will admit to hiding behind the couch on several occasions after the door bell rang
Also if my phone rang
I couldn't answer it
I was always afraid of who would be ringing me
What would they want?
For me, anxiety ha always been the fear that I won't be able to handle what life throws at me
That I will crumble
And fall
That I won't have the common sense or the strength to deal with life and its hurdles
I guess it stems from having low self confidence and low self esteem
If you feel capable and able
Then you have no reason to feel anxious
But if you don't
Then everything is a challenge

Now that I have gained weight
My anxiety has improved beyond belief
I didn't realize how anxious I actually was until I started to feel better
Now I feel a lot more stable and able to deal with life
So I don't have reason to get anxious
Obviously I still get some anxiety
But nothing like the way it was
It's one of the main things that I think about when I think I want to lose weight again
I think about the anxiety I used to experience
And I never want to go back there

In general
I am an anxious person
So I guess I will always have to deal with a certain amount of anxiety
And that's ok
That's life
I now know that I am a capable human being
And I can manage what ever life throws at me

There are a couple of different ways  that I manage anxiety
Deep breathing can be really helpful to calm the mind and body
Mindfulness
Meditation
One thing that I do when I feel anxious
Is tell myself over and over again that everything is ok
And I am ok
Or at least I will be



I was wondering about you
Do you suffer from anxiety?
What do you do to deal with it?

Bundoran October 2014

Myself, my sister and Lea and Honey went for an early morning walk this morning
Followed by a lovely swim
Here are some photos from said walk.......

You look healthy..........

The lovely Bella shared this with me yesterday

I thought it was very appropriate for where I am right now

And it helped me make sense of all the comments I have been getting recently

"You look healthy.
And by that I don’t mean you look fat.
I mean your face isn’t grey any more, the circles under your eyes aren’t so dark. Your lips aren’t cracked and dry and your hair isn’t thinning and brittle. I mean you seem more focused when I talk to you, You actually look at me and listen rather than being so unable to stay still or think about anything other than your illness that your eyes dart around the room and you nod manically the whole time I’m speaking. You seem calmer, stiller, quieter. You’re easier to have a joke with and you take things on board much more than you used to.
I mean you laugh now, you’re less serious. There’s life about you, it’s in your eyes and your smile, it’s in the way you speak and even in the way you go about your daily tasks. 
You look healthy. You look happy. It really, really suits you."

Body

I recently met a girl from treatment
We hadn't seen each other in about 6 weeks
So I was worried about seeing her
Given my recent weight re-gain
I arrived at the coffee shop before her
I was glad
At least then she would only see me from the waist up
I waited anxiously for her to arrive
I had always been thinner than her
But she was thin too
And I was pretty sure that I was now bigger than her
I ordered tea and settled myself
We were meeting at a tea house near WB Yeats grave
And a constant stream of tourists marched in and out
I watched them with curiousity
Buying their 'Ireland' paraphernalia
My friend arrived
We hugged
I was genuinely happy to see her
'You look like a different person'  she remarked
I blushed
'No really, your eyes look brighter and your skin looks great'
She also noticed that I wasn't as anxious
I used to get so anxious before going in to meet her
And my hands would shake when I picked up my tea cup

We had a great chat
We laughed
We remembered our time in treatment
We talked about our plans for the future
It was so good to see her
To talk to someone who was in treatment with me
And just knew
You know?

Then on Sunday
We went to a recording of a radio arts programme
As my brother was reading at it
Again I was worried about going
As I would be seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time
And the difference in me is so noticeable
On arriving at the venue
I met one of my aunties
'Oh my God, you look great' she said
'I know, there is a bit if a difference isn't there?'
'But do you feel good?' she asked
'I do' I replied 'I really do'
I hadn't seen this woman since I came out of treatment months earlier
When I was pathetically underweight
It was good to chat to people now that I do feel better
My anxiety doesn't get the better of me anymore
And I can actually talk to people without losing my shit

I guess I am used to people's reactions by now
I know that I look completely different
And I know that people want to acknowledge that I am doing well
And give me a compliment
It's hard though
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I have put on so much weight
And I look so different
Better?
Well, yes
My skin and eyes and hair look much healthier
I have shape now
Pointy bones and sharp edges have given way to soft curves
I have had to get used to dressing a totally different shape
I've had to buy new clothes (Not complaining about that though)
I've had to get rid (Not quite) of 'anorectic' clothes
It's all new
It's all unfamiliar
It's all scary

As I have said before
I am trying to go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like
Or what the scale says
And the thing is
That I feel pretty good
I feel positive
And hopeful
I feel healthy and strong
Capable and able
My anxiety has lessened so much
And my depression has all but disappeared
I guess if I was asked which would I rather be
Skinny and miserable
Or healthy and happy
I don't need to tell you which one I choose

I've had to stop weighing completely
The last time I weighed
I almost lost my marbles
So I'm just not doing it
No good can come of it

I feel good
For the first time in years
I feel good
I am willing to sacrifice my bony body for that
When I met mt friend the other day
I felt equal to her
When I was really sick
I felt less than everyone
I felt that because I was sick
I wasn't on the same level as everyone else
Now I do
Everything is worse when your body is sick
Anxiety
Depression
Fear
Not to mention all the physical ailments
But these things can and do improve
I know how stuck we can get in our illness
Paralysed by fear
Crippled by anxiety and depression
I just want you to know that it is possible to get out
It is possible to feel better
Both physically
And mentally
I promise you
It is possible

I am learning to live with and even like my new body
I look at my sister who is the same size as me
And I think she looks tiny
She is a great support
She is always telling me that I am a 33 year old woman
And women have shapes
She reminds me that I am not a teenager any more
And  will never have that body again
I am slowly coming to terms with that
It's ok
I am ok
I
Am
Ok

Posponed

I had been feeling a bit off form yesterday
My throat was sore
But I paid no attention to it
Then I woke up this morning (In my mother's bed because Honey had peed on mine)
And I felt like absolute shit
My throat was scratchy and sand papery
And when I spoke I sounded like I had a frog in my throat
So in to the doctor I went
He confirmed that my throat is indeed red and inflamed
And my glands are swollen
He prescribed painkillers, rest and no talking
I am so disappointed that I don't get to go to my course today
But I rang them and they said I can start next week
So no harm done

Right
I'm off to lie on the couch
And drink sweet hot tea
It's a hard life..........

Tomorrow

I start my writing course tomorrow morning
I am nervous
Apprehensive
Scared
But very very excited

Wish me luck......

3 Things

And so ED free week continues.......

I asked my sister last night
If she could bring 3 things to a desert island
What would they be
Her reply was a Swiss army knife
Matches
And a wind up radio

Me?
Mine would also be a radio
Honey and Lea
I just couldn't go   anywhere without them
And a copy of Into the Wild



What about you
What three things would you bring to a desert island?