The Lindsay Lohan effect....

Something that I have noticed over the last few months
Is that my blog seems to get more views when I am struggling
I am wondering why that is
I am not too bothered by how many views my blog gets a day
But it is concerning when I see that since I have ventured in to recovery
My stats have fallen
Why is this?
I must say I would rather have 10 readers read about my recovery
Than 1000 reading about my self destruction
But still
It unsettles me a little

The first blog I ever found about EDs was Recovering Anorexic over on Wordpress
This girl wrote anonymously
And was brutally honest about her life
Living with
And trying to recover from anorexia
But a couple a years ago
Her anonymity was compromised
And she deleted her blog
Or at least made it private

Anyway
I remember her writing about the fact that her blog seemed to be more popular when she was in the midst of a relapse
I remember thinking that was so wrong
But I can kind of understand it
Misery sells
I know the newspaper industry has a saying
'If it bleeds it reads'
Meaning that violence, death, pain and hurt sell newspapers
Good news often doesn't make the news at all

Think about Tripadvisor
Or any site of that kind
People will write a review of they had a terrible experience
But often won't think to do so if they had a lovely experience
And I know I love reading the negative reviews
It's a benign type of voyeurism

I remember this same blogger calling herself the 'Lindsay Lohan of the blogging world'
And you know how much people like to watch the never ending saga that is the Lindsay Lohan story

So why is it that people devour the misery and pain of others?
Is it because they make us feel better about our own lives?
Is it because it is compulsive viewing?
Maybe it depends on the state of mind we are in
I know when I was really struggling
It was too painful to read about recovery
I wanted to read about others in the same situation as me
Like attracts like I guess
And it seems for every recovery blog there is on the internet
There are 10 blogs where the person is still struggling
That is the awful truth

At the moment I am finding it very hard to read about others still struggling
Especially those who I know well and have become very fond of
(I think you know who you are)
I do try to keep up to date
As I genuinely care about these people
But it's just too painful to watch people die
And that is what is happening
Whether we like it or not
This illness is killing beautiful, talented, loving girls, women and boys every single day
And we watch from a distance
It just doesn't sit right with me any more
I have to admit that it is hard for me to write this
I don't like having to write this
But it is the truth
At least it is the truth for me

I was wondering about you
Do you rather read about recovery or someone still struggling?
And why do you rather it?

Body Talk

Somehow I have made it to Sunday
I'm heading home today
My mum and my uncle are oblivious to the difficult weekend I have had
I spoke to my sister briefly
But I didn't want to drag her in to my misery

Yesterday was so hard
It was own fault though
I should never have gone near that scale
And anyway
The number was out of context
It bears no relation to the number on my scale
And you know what?
F**k the number
I'm not going to let my ED fill my head with lies this time
That I am fat
And ugly
And worthless
I had such a reaction yesterday to seeing that number
I didn't eat all day yesterday
And purged what I ate last night
Then we went to see the opera Carmen
And my mood lifted a little

So where do I go from here?
I was tempted to delete my last two posts
But I really don't like to delete posts
Because this blog documents my life
And those posts were how I was feeling at the time
Even though in the cold light of day I feel a lot better
So I won't delete them
They may help me in the future
When and if this happens again
I will be able to see how I got through it

Trying to detach myself from my weight is proving difficult
I've defined myself by my weight for so long
That I don't quite know how to define myself in any other way
Maybe I don't need to define myself
Maybe I just need to be me
And that is enough
I am a daughter
A sister
A friend
A dog owner
An auntie
A writer
A swimmer
A walker
I am much much more than the number on a scale
A number on a weighing device that I have used to measure my worth for the last umpteenth years
What does that number even mean?
It means nothing on its own
It's only when we compare it to other people and their numbers that we either feel worse or better
It really means nothing

I was ashamed of my body
I felt like a failed anorectic
But I want to flip that on its head
And call it successful in recovery instead
This body has been through hell
It has been starved
Abused
I've put poison in to it
Almost killed it over and over again
For the first time ever
I am something approaching healthy
My body may be full of lumps and bumps
But it is the body that has carried me all these years
The body that refused to die
Refused to give up
No matter how badly I treated it
I am lucky to have this body
It is becoming strong
And able
And confident
For that I have to be grateful

I don't know if I will ever be completely at peace with my body
It's a turbulent relationship at the best of times
But it doesn't have to be a war
I don't have to fight it any more

If it ain't broke..........

Apologies for my last post
It was my own sill fault for weighing myself
I should know by now to leave well alone
If it ain't broke and all that
I did have a mini meltdown when I saw the number
But I did speak to my mother
She is great
She knows just what to say to calm me down
I know I need to give this time
My body is in a major transition
I need to be patient
And it will work itself out

I did have a reaction in that I did not eat all day
Couldn't bring myself to
But now
After much encouraging from my Mum and sister
I can see how utterly pointless and stupid that is

Anyway
I just wanted to let you know that I am ok
Or at least I will be
I am recovering
I keep having to remind myself of that
I will get there
Even if I do have a few meltdowns along the way

Untitled

I seem to be hell bent on ruining all the hard work I have put in
It seems that I want to sabotage myself and my recovery
In other words
I weighed myself this morning
I saw a number that I have never seen before
I don't know what to do
All sorts of crazy things ran through my head
Fasting
Plastic surgery
Liposuction
Overdosing
Because I just can't handle this
I really can't

Weekend Away

I'm heading away for the weekend with my mother and sister
So just to let you know that I won't get to post over the next couple
We are going to see my uncle who lives up north
I remember the last time I was there
I weighed considerably less
I remember standing on the scales in his sitting room
In the early morning before anyone got up
That was April
Here's what I looked like back then

The one thing that is very annoying about weight re-gain
Is that I have so many lovely clothes that don't fit me anymore
The leather jacket seen in these photos
I can't close it anymore
The leggings I can barely get in to
But yet, I keep them
I can't bear to get rid of them yet
Some would say that is very telling
That maybe I am hoping that I will fit in to them again some day
I can't lie
There is a very small part of me that hankers to be that size again
Being able to wear anything that I wanted
But the price I paid for that was too high
And I have to remember that

I am going to my uncle's house tomorrow a different person
The last time I saw my uncle
He had brought 400 cigarettes back from Turkey for me
I am now a non smoker (67 days smoke free today!)
I was a very ill person
I remember when I was last in my uncle's house
I obsessed with buying a certain brand of crisps
He must have thought that I was nuts
I couldn't walk buy a shop without nipping in to get crisps
I am a lot more stable now
My mood
My anxiety
It has all improved
I am more present
I can actually sit and have a conversation with somebody now
I have a voice
My confidence has soared
I feel capable and able
I feel I can deal with what life throws at me

So yes
Things have changed a lot
And for the better
I am grateful to have a chance to be happy again
To be well
Because there is nothing more important than our health
Including our mental health
All the rest will come and go
But if we don't have our health we have nothing

I know some people would argue that I am not in recovery at all
That I am a functioning bulimic
And maybe I am
Maybe I am kidding myself
I don't know
All I know is that I feel better
I look better
And you can't argue with that

Anyway
I am off to bring the dogs to the kennels
They will not be impressed
But it's only for a couple of days
Then I'm off for a swim
Before heading away for the weekend
See you on the next post........

Sisters as heart, partners in crime

Ok
This is no funny
I'm not laughing
And this needs to be addressed
Myself and my sister are turning in to an old married couple
Don't laugh!
It's true!

Ever since my sister came home about 4 months ago
I've pretty much spent all day every day with her
Now, I'm not complaining about that
Not at all
My sister is as cool and awesome as they come
But slowly but surely
We have  turned in to a bickering old couple

Let me give you an example
My sister wanted to go to yoga this morning
And I didn't (Because I am surfing the crimson wave y'all)
When I came back from walking the dogs
My sister was in the kitchen all ready to go to yoga
Whereas I was ready to sit down with a cup of tea and relax
The following exchange ensued

Me: I really don't feel like going to yoga this morning
Sister: What? Why not?
Me: You know that I'm not feeling well, I'll just give it a miss for today
Sister: Oh please go, I don't want to go on my own. Look at all the times that I have gone swimming with you, 
That's manipulation
I know
Oh so you know but you don't care
Ah go on go
I'm trying to save money to buy new clothes for my ever expanding body
Now that's manipulation, do you want me to pay for you? is that it?
No, if I wanted you to pay for me, I would ask you straight out
Well think of all the tines I have brought you in the car to buy your crisps and chocolate and ham
I know but......
Just go

In the end I went
Under protest
But I did go
I had to deliberately not meet my sisters gaze at yoga
As I knew I would start laughing if I did

We were talking recently how we need to go out more at night
Like to the movies and such
I was joking and said we should have 'Date night'
Again like an old married couple

It's funny
If any one saw the way we go on when there's no one around
They would have us committed in a second
I've written before about how I think that laughter is the best medicine
It's good for the soul
And since my sister has come home
I have laughed a lot
I'm sure that has something to do with my feeling a lot better

So my sister and I were messing
And saying how we need to go on a break
And see other people
Oh my God
I hope no one takes this seriously
I am totally just taking the pi** here
My sister and I are sane, well adjusted people
No really we are
I swear we are........

Surfing the crimson wave

I first got my period when I was 14
I was lucky that I didn't get PMT
Or cramps
Or any other adverse effects
It was an inconvenience as I was a swimmer
But apart from that it didn't bother me all that much
For the next few years
It came and went
But when I was about 22
It stopped completely
And didn't reappear until about 3 months ago
So for 10 years I had no period
I have even forgotten that I was supposed to have one

So yes
About 3 months ago my period re-emerged
It was quite a shock to get it again
In a way it was like getting it for the first time all over again
And it has taken some getting used to
So every month since then
My period has come bang on time
Around the 16th of the month

But now when I get my period
I get cranky and irritable in the week before it arrives
According to my sister
If I am in the middle of a rant about something
She will simply ask
'When are you due your period?'
That shuts me up

Then the day before I get my period
I get really really tired
Like exhausted to the point that I need 2 naps a day
As well as a full nights sleep
I got my period on Tuesday
And since then I have been wiped out
I feel lethargic
I have big purple bags under my eyes
And I just generally feel like I want to climb in to bed
And stay there forever

I was wondering if any of you experienced this when you got your period back
Do let me know




Ten out of ten if you can name this film
I remember I used to love this film when I was a teenager
And this quote is one of the best