And brought Honey and Lea for a walk down by the sea
On the way I had to stop at the garage
And we saw this cute little dog in the back of a pick up
He was tied up
And he was shivering
The poor little guy
Here he is
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Tuesday
My sister and I got up early this morning
And brought Honey and Lea for a walk down by the sea
On the way I had to stop at the garage
And we saw this cute little dog in the back of a pick up
He was tied up
And he was shivering
The poor little guy
Here he is
And brought Honey and Lea for a walk down by the sea
On the way I had to stop at the garage
And we saw this cute little dog in the back of a pick up
He was tied up
And he was shivering
The poor little guy
Here he is
Monday, 24 November 2014
Heroin
I watched a documentary last night called The Moment of Truth
I was about an Irish man called Alan
Who was a former heroin addict who had been homeless for many years
He grew up in Dublin with his Mother and her partner
When he was a teenager he became involved in the rave scene
He stared experimenting with drugs
First cannabis
Then ecstacy
And when he was 17 he tried heroin for the first time
He was instantly hooked
He described that first feeling her felt when he took he drug
Like feeling he was 'wrapped in cotton wool'
I think that is such an accurate way to describe it
Around this time he started seeing a girl called Orla
But as Alan's addiction escalated
The relationship dissolved
His Mum was interviewed also
She described he moment when she had to use tough love
And refused to let him stay in her house anymore
Alan was homeless for many years
Begging on the streets
A slave to the drug
Orla still kept in touch with him
She described how she used to search he streets for him
But she couldn't be with him while he was so deep in his addiction
It was while he was on the streets that Alan met a man who changed his life
This man was a christian and used to stop and talk to Alan
And told him that God could save him
At first Alan was sceptical
How could God save him?
But the man continued to visit Alan
He told him that he could help me get in to a treatment center in the UK
A christian rehabilitation center
Alan agreed to go
His Mother and Orla helped him gather the fare to Wales
He described how on he morning of his departure
His Mother gave him money to buy heroin
As she knew he wouldn't get on the plane if he didn't have drugs
This really hit a nerve with me
As there have been many time in my life when my Mother gave me money to buy drugs
And even drove me to get drugs
As she couldn't bear to see me in withdrawal
Alan stayed in the christian center in Wales for some time
While there he had a vision of Jesus Christ
And Jesus said three words to him
I
Love
You
Alan said after that everything changed
He finished his time in the center
And hen began studying to become a pastor
He completely turned his life around
And now helps other struggling addicts
A really nice end to the story was that he got back together with Orla
They got married
And had two children
I was so delighted that the story had a happy ending
So many stories don't
My Mother and sister also watched he documentary
And it gave rise to a discussion about my drug use
My sister is quite sceptical about anything to do with religion
But my Mother said that his experience was real to him
And we should respect that
She is right
What ever works right?
I said that I thought it was great that Alan found God and recovered
That was his path
But what if you don't find God?
What if you don't have a God in your life?
What then?
Can I still recover if I don't have a God in my life?
My Mother pointed out that God could be anything
Something similar to what they tell you in AA
I think this is a good point
As I have things in my life that help me greatly
Like my dogs
My writing
My swimming
And I have great faith in those things
My Mum and I talked for a while about my using days
The time we went away for Christmas and I went in to severe withdrawal
And had to search for a doctor to get some meds
I can remember that time
I actually thought that I was going to die
I look at photos of that Christmas and I look like the living dead
Or the time I stayed in my Grandad's house
And again went in to withdrawal
Another nightmare
Or the time she locked herself in her bedroom because I had completely lost the plot and she was afraid of me
She was actually afraid of me
That in itself is so sad
My Mum commented that she probably doesn't know the half of what went on when I was using
And she is right
I myself can't bring myself to talk or even think about what went on during that time
I often say that there are times when I can't remember if an even actually happened
Or if I dreamed it
There is one even that often pops in to my head
I can't remember how
But I met a guy on the street
We used together
And I went back to his flat with him
At some point I overdosed
And this guy stayed with me until I came to
I remember he put me in the shower to help wake me up
And made me tea and toast
He let me stay in his flat for a couple of days
And was nothing but kind to me
I went home a few days later
But kept in touch by phone
I was so grateful to him
For taking care of me
And for not taking advantage of me
The next time I was back in Dublin
I went to the street where his flat was
I rang the bell
A girl answered
I asked for the guy
She said no one of that name lived there
And never had
I was so confused
And started to question my own sanity
I never heard from that guy again
I don't know if he ever existed in the first place
My Mum described to me how awful I used to look when I was using
She used the words 'down and out'
I was scarily skinny
Big dark circles under my eyes
Hunched over
Taking care of yourself just isn't a priority when you are strung out
I saw my doctor this morning
And was telling him that I am 15 weeks off cigarettes today
He said that was fantastic
And that I am doing well 'on all fronts'
My Mother and I continued our discussion as we walked the dogs
We talked about my old town
And how now it is flooded with drugs
And how we never thought we would end up in this town
My Mother told me how moving here was very hard on her
That was the first time I heard her say that
Because while my using was going on
She was separating from my Dad
At the time I had no concept of what she was going through
I was so blinkered my addiction
We also talked about methadone
How when I first went on it at 19
I was the only person in my town on it
I had to travel to Dublin every week to get my script
And how I hated going in to chemist
I actually had a go at the pharmacist one day
Because I thought she was looking down on me
Of course she wasn't
She was actually very good to me
My thinking was just so warped
This all seems like a life time ago
I am clean and sober a few years now
Some times I still get intense cravings
Sometimes I fear that I will use again
Sometimes that life looks attractive
But in reality it was a living hell
It was a race to not be sick
And I was always playing catch up
Alan said that even in his darkest days
He was never a hard man
The way some people are hardened and more equipped to handle themselves
I was never like that either
I was a young country girl
In the big city
I was so vulnerable
And people could and often did take advantage of me
Even though I have been through a lot
I am at heart a big softie
And have an innocent face
So I was a prime target
I am so grateful to be clean and sober today
I am so relieved for myself
But also for my family
Who lived through it with me
Especially my Mother
Who saw it all
But we've come out the other side
And as my Mother always says
Given what this family has been through
We are not doing to badly
I was about an Irish man called Alan
Who was a former heroin addict who had been homeless for many years
He grew up in Dublin with his Mother and her partner
When he was a teenager he became involved in the rave scene
He stared experimenting with drugs
First cannabis
Then ecstacy
And when he was 17 he tried heroin for the first time
He was instantly hooked
He described that first feeling her felt when he took he drug
Like feeling he was 'wrapped in cotton wool'
I think that is such an accurate way to describe it
Around this time he started seeing a girl called Orla
But as Alan's addiction escalated
The relationship dissolved
His Mum was interviewed also
She described he moment when she had to use tough love
And refused to let him stay in her house anymore
Alan was homeless for many years
Begging on the streets
A slave to the drug
Orla still kept in touch with him
She described how she used to search he streets for him
But she couldn't be with him while he was so deep in his addiction
It was while he was on the streets that Alan met a man who changed his life
This man was a christian and used to stop and talk to Alan
And told him that God could save him
At first Alan was sceptical
How could God save him?
But the man continued to visit Alan
He told him that he could help me get in to a treatment center in the UK
A christian rehabilitation center
Alan agreed to go
His Mother and Orla helped him gather the fare to Wales
He described how on he morning of his departure
His Mother gave him money to buy heroin
As she knew he wouldn't get on the plane if he didn't have drugs
This really hit a nerve with me
As there have been many time in my life when my Mother gave me money to buy drugs
And even drove me to get drugs
As she couldn't bear to see me in withdrawal
Alan stayed in the christian center in Wales for some time
While there he had a vision of Jesus Christ
And Jesus said three words to him
I
Love
You
Alan said after that everything changed
He finished his time in the center
And hen began studying to become a pastor
He completely turned his life around
And now helps other struggling addicts
A really nice end to the story was that he got back together with Orla
They got married
And had two children
I was so delighted that the story had a happy ending
So many stories don't
My Mother and sister also watched he documentary
And it gave rise to a discussion about my drug use
My sister is quite sceptical about anything to do with religion
But my Mother said that his experience was real to him
And we should respect that
She is right
What ever works right?
I said that I thought it was great that Alan found God and recovered
That was his path
But what if you don't find God?
What if you don't have a God in your life?
What then?
Can I still recover if I don't have a God in my life?
My Mother pointed out that God could be anything
Something similar to what they tell you in AA
I think this is a good point
As I have things in my life that help me greatly
Like my dogs
My writing
My swimming
And I have great faith in those things
My Mum and I talked for a while about my using days
The time we went away for Christmas and I went in to severe withdrawal
And had to search for a doctor to get some meds
I can remember that time
I actually thought that I was going to die
I look at photos of that Christmas and I look like the living dead
Or the time I stayed in my Grandad's house
And again went in to withdrawal
Another nightmare
Or the time she locked herself in her bedroom because I had completely lost the plot and she was afraid of me
She was actually afraid of me
That in itself is so sad
My Mum commented that she probably doesn't know the half of what went on when I was using
And she is right
I myself can't bring myself to talk or even think about what went on during that time
I often say that there are times when I can't remember if an even actually happened
Or if I dreamed it
There is one even that often pops in to my head
I can't remember how
But I met a guy on the street
We used together
And I went back to his flat with him
At some point I overdosed
And this guy stayed with me until I came to
I remember he put me in the shower to help wake me up
And made me tea and toast
He let me stay in his flat for a couple of days
And was nothing but kind to me
I went home a few days later
But kept in touch by phone
I was so grateful to him
For taking care of me
And for not taking advantage of me
The next time I was back in Dublin
I went to the street where his flat was
I rang the bell
A girl answered
I asked for the guy
She said no one of that name lived there
And never had
I was so confused
And started to question my own sanity
I never heard from that guy again
I don't know if he ever existed in the first place
My Mum described to me how awful I used to look when I was using
She used the words 'down and out'
I was scarily skinny
Big dark circles under my eyes
Hunched over
Taking care of yourself just isn't a priority when you are strung out
I saw my doctor this morning
And was telling him that I am 15 weeks off cigarettes today
He said that was fantastic
And that I am doing well 'on all fronts'
My Mother and I continued our discussion as we walked the dogs
We talked about my old town
And how now it is flooded with drugs
And how we never thought we would end up in this town
My Mother told me how moving here was very hard on her
That was the first time I heard her say that
Because while my using was going on
She was separating from my Dad
At the time I had no concept of what she was going through
I was so blinkered my addiction
We also talked about methadone
How when I first went on it at 19
I was the only person in my town on it
I had to travel to Dublin every week to get my script
And how I hated going in to chemist
I actually had a go at the pharmacist one day
Because I thought she was looking down on me
Of course she wasn't
She was actually very good to me
My thinking was just so warped
This all seems like a life time ago
I am clean and sober a few years now
Some times I still get intense cravings
Sometimes I fear that I will use again
Sometimes that life looks attractive
But in reality it was a living hell
It was a race to not be sick
And I was always playing catch up
Alan said that even in his darkest days
He was never a hard man
The way some people are hardened and more equipped to handle themselves
I was never like that either
I was a young country girl
In the big city
I was so vulnerable
And people could and often did take advantage of me
Even though I have been through a lot
I am at heart a big softie
And have an innocent face
So I was a prime target
I am so grateful to be clean and sober today
I am so relieved for myself
But also for my family
Who lived through it with me
Especially my Mother
Who saw it all
But we've come out the other side
And as my Mother always says
Given what this family has been through
We are not doing to badly
Sunday, 23 November 2014
iphone
I an so excited
Wednesday
This Wednesday
As in three days away
I am getting my first
Yes, my first
iphone
I know
I know
I have been living in the dark ages for some time now with my little Nokia Asha 302
I have been getting by with just calls, texts and emails
No internet
Oh yes
I have been one of those people who looks at someone engrossed in their phone
And wondering what the hell could be holding their attention for so long
Soon I will know
Soon I will be privy to that information
I am expecting great things
My sister has an iphone
I would say she spends 23 hours a day looking at it
It is permanently attached to her hand
While she is talking
Watching tv
Eating
Cooking
Her phone is her constant companion
I ask her at least 3 times a day
'What are you looking at?'
Sometimes she replies
Sometimes she is so engrossed that my voice doesn't even register
Sometimes I look over her shoulder to see what is engaging her so
It is always some random thing
Like the weather
Or sites selling antique books
Or cats falling off chairs
Soon all of these delights will just be a click away for me
I can't wait to waste time scouring the internet for anything and everything that comes to my mind
Oh yes
Me and my new iphone will bond quickly
And form a relationship that knows no bounds
I may even name her
We will be BFFs forever
And ever
And ever
Of course I will have to say goodbye to my little nokia
I knew our relationship was doomed when I was in hospital last year
And I saw a 70 year old man with the same phone as me
After that
Well
I couldn't take my phone out with out feeling a frisson of embarrassment
Like a jumper that your granny knit you
You feel that you have to wear it
But do so begrudgingly
This is how I feel about my phone
A reluctant sense of loyalty
But I hung on to my phone
Because there was no reason to get rid of it
It worked perfectly well
And never having had the internet on my phone
I didn't know what I was missing
So we muddled along
Me and my Nokia
Pretending that we were willing partners in this thing
To its face I was perfectly pleasant
But when it wasn't around I bitched and moaned about him incessantly
And then
The straw that broke the phones service
My email
My precious email
All three accounts were suddenly cut off
Send in the horse men
The apocalypse is a comin'
I was distraught
No email meant that when I was away from my laptop
I was constantly worried about the potential emails that lay unread in my inbox
It was all I could think about
The people trying to contact me
The comments from my blog I had no access to
It was a nightmare
I brought the failing phone in to my service provider
There, a young greasy guy, chewing gum told me without even looking at my phone
That he couldn't help me
I asked him politely if he would at least check the phone
He did
And repeated that he had no idea what was wrong
I despaired
I turned around and looked at all the shiny new phones on the wall
They all boasted cool and exciting features
I felt drunk desire
The possibilities were endless
The world would be at my finger tips
It would be criminal not to at least ask about these phones
I turned back to my friend
'How much is an iphone?' I asked
He handed me a leaflet with various plans on it
He obviously couldn't be bothered to tell me when it was all written there for me
I scanned the page
My eyes settled on the iphone 4
At 35Euros a month
I asked some questions
He was mostly unhelpful
I wasn't getting anywhere with this guy
So I left with my leaflet
My Nokia was safe
For now
I was pretty pleased with myself that I hadn't been my usual impulsive self
And got the iphone right there and then
I practised restraint
And decided to think it over
And now
A little over 24 hours later
I have decided that I will
No
I must
Have one
And Wednesday is the day
Hello 21st century
Here I come........
Wednesday
This Wednesday
As in three days away
I am getting my first
Yes, my first
iphone
I know
I know
I have been living in the dark ages for some time now with my little Nokia Asha 302
I have been getting by with just calls, texts and emails
No internet
Oh yes
I have been one of those people who looks at someone engrossed in their phone
And wondering what the hell could be holding their attention for so long
Soon I will know
Soon I will be privy to that information
I am expecting great things
My sister has an iphone
I would say she spends 23 hours a day looking at it
It is permanently attached to her hand
While she is talking
Watching tv
Eating
Cooking
Her phone is her constant companion
I ask her at least 3 times a day
'What are you looking at?'
Sometimes she replies
Sometimes she is so engrossed that my voice doesn't even register
Sometimes I look over her shoulder to see what is engaging her so
It is always some random thing
Like the weather
Or sites selling antique books
Or cats falling off chairs
Soon all of these delights will just be a click away for me
I can't wait to waste time scouring the internet for anything and everything that comes to my mind
Oh yes
Me and my new iphone will bond quickly
And form a relationship that knows no bounds
I may even name her
We will be BFFs forever
And ever
And ever
Of course I will have to say goodbye to my little nokia
I knew our relationship was doomed when I was in hospital last year
And I saw a 70 year old man with the same phone as me
After that
Well
I couldn't take my phone out with out feeling a frisson of embarrassment
Like a jumper that your granny knit you
You feel that you have to wear it
But do so begrudgingly
This is how I feel about my phone
A reluctant sense of loyalty
But I hung on to my phone
Because there was no reason to get rid of it
It worked perfectly well
And never having had the internet on my phone
I didn't know what I was missing
So we muddled along
Me and my Nokia
Pretending that we were willing partners in this thing
To its face I was perfectly pleasant
But when it wasn't around I bitched and moaned about him incessantly
And then
The straw that broke the phones service
My email
My precious email
All three accounts were suddenly cut off
Send in the horse men
The apocalypse is a comin'
I was distraught
No email meant that when I was away from my laptop
I was constantly worried about the potential emails that lay unread in my inbox
It was all I could think about
The people trying to contact me
The comments from my blog I had no access to
It was a nightmare
I brought the failing phone in to my service provider
There, a young greasy guy, chewing gum told me without even looking at my phone
That he couldn't help me
I asked him politely if he would at least check the phone
He did
And repeated that he had no idea what was wrong
I despaired
I turned around and looked at all the shiny new phones on the wall
They all boasted cool and exciting features
I felt drunk desire
The possibilities were endless
The world would be at my finger tips
It would be criminal not to at least ask about these phones
I turned back to my friend
'How much is an iphone?' I asked
He handed me a leaflet with various plans on it
He obviously couldn't be bothered to tell me when it was all written there for me
I scanned the page
My eyes settled on the iphone 4
At 35Euros a month
I asked some questions
He was mostly unhelpful
I wasn't getting anywhere with this guy
So I left with my leaflet
My Nokia was safe
For now
I was pretty pleased with myself that I hadn't been my usual impulsive self
And got the iphone right there and then
I practised restraint
And decided to think it over
And now
A little over 24 hours later
I have decided that I will
No
I must
Have one
And Wednesday is the day
Hello 21st century
Here I come........
Strand Hill, November 2014
My Mum, my sister and I spent a lovely day in town yesterday
We went for breakfast
Hit the shops
Where I bought pyjamas and leggings
Then we went to Strand Hill for a spot of lunch
My Mum had a BLT with tea
My sister went for the burger
And I had a beef Hot Pot
Which was lip smacking good
We had a lovely lovely day
Even though on the way home
Smoke started billowing from the engine
And we had to pull over and escape from the car
Luckily we were near my other sisters house
So she came and rescued us
And the AA came and saved the car
(Not Alcoholics Anonymous
The Automobile Association)
Here are some photos from the day......
We went for breakfast
Hit the shops
Where I bought pyjamas and leggings
Then we went to Strand Hill for a spot of lunch
My Mum had a BLT with tea
My sister went for the burger
And I had a beef Hot Pot
Which was lip smacking good
We had a lovely lovely day
Even though on the way home
Smoke started billowing from the engine
And we had to pull over and escape from the car
Luckily we were near my other sisters house
So she came and rescued us
And the AA came and saved the car
(Not Alcoholics Anonymous
The Automobile Association)
Here are some photos from the day......
 |
| Add caption |
 |
| obligatory selfie |
 |
| Wearing my sisters new hat, it may be a bit big for me |
 |
| Concentration |
 |
| Happy girl |
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Brave?
I've been called brave a few times in my life
My Mother has called me brave a lot over the years
In treatment they said I was brave
I'm not convinced
Brave?
Let's talk about brave
Brave rises before the sun
And takes a two hour train ride to work
Brave gets up many time in the night to feed a hungry baby
Brave fights in wars and battles
In the world
And in their own head
Brave believes they can
Even when they are told over and over again that they can't
Brave is themselves
Even when they are told it's not enough
Brave falls down seven times
And gets up eight
Brave faces cold mornings
And frosty air
To make sure that their children eat that day
Brave stands up to the bullies in this world
Brave leaves their home to start over
To make a better life for themselves and their family
Brave doesn't give up
Even when everyone else has
Brave believes that things can and will get better
Even when their world is crumbling
Brave speaks their truth
Even when others try to silence them
Brave is honest
Doesn't know how to be any other way
Brave holds it together
Even when they feel like they are dying inside
Brave faces their demons head on
And does it with grace and poise
Brave works long hours
Early mornings
And late nights
Brave fights for what they believe in
To the bitter end
Brave faces their bullies
And won't let them bring her down
As a result of brave
Families get reared
Jobs get done
Lives are saved
The truth gets told
Wars are fought and won
Brave is your Mother
Your Father
The woman who begs on the corner of the street
The farmer who gets up at day break every morning
The nurse who tends to sick people day after day
The child who dares to be different
The Mum who is sleep deprived
The Dad who braves the cold morning to watch his son play football
Brave is not some huge act of courage
It's the little things
The little things that go largely unnoticed
But that we would miss of they weren't there
My Mother has called me brave a lot over the years
In treatment they said I was brave
I'm not convinced
Brave?
Let's talk about brave
Brave rises before the sun
And takes a two hour train ride to work
Brave gets up many time in the night to feed a hungry baby
Brave fights in wars and battles
In the world
And in their own head
Brave believes they can
Even when they are told over and over again that they can't
Brave is themselves
Even when they are told it's not enough
Brave falls down seven times
And gets up eight
Brave faces cold mornings
And frosty air
To make sure that their children eat that day
Brave stands up to the bullies in this world
Brave leaves their home to start over
To make a better life for themselves and their family
Brave doesn't give up
Even when everyone else has
Brave believes that things can and will get better
Even when their world is crumbling
Brave speaks their truth
Even when others try to silence them
Brave is honest
Doesn't know how to be any other way
Brave holds it together
Even when they feel like they are dying inside
Brave faces their demons head on
And does it with grace and poise
Brave works long hours
Early mornings
And late nights
Brave fights for what they believe in
To the bitter end
Brave faces their bullies
And won't let them bring her down
As a result of brave
Families get reared
Jobs get done
Lives are saved
The truth gets told
Wars are fought and won
Brave is your Mother
Your Father
The woman who begs on the corner of the street
The farmer who gets up at day break every morning
The nurse who tends to sick people day after day
The child who dares to be different
The Mum who is sleep deprived
The Dad who braves the cold morning to watch his son play football
Brave is not some huge act of courage
It's the little things
The little things that go largely unnoticed
But that we would miss of they weren't there
Progress Report
It seems that when people do progress reports on the internet
It's mostly to do with losing weight
Endless before and after photos
Of people posting their miraculous weight loss
20 pounds
50 pounds
100 pounds
Photos of hip bones
And clavicles
Six packs
Long lean limbs
Bronzed skin
Glowing complexions
And that's great
Congratulations to them
My progress report is somewhat different
And so is yours probably
If you are embarking on recovery
I started of at the beginning of the year
With a worryingly low BMI
And it continued to plummet
This was the first time I had taken photos of my emaciated body
As I wanted to document this time in my life
And as a reminder of the hell I used to live in
And a stark reminder never to go back there again
It's been a crazy year so far
But one of the best
I finally stood up to my demons
I faced them head on
And you know what?
Once I showed them that I wasn't afraid of them
And that I could overcome them
They ran in the opposite direction
Just try stopping this recovering anorectic and addict
It's mostly to do with losing weight
Endless before and after photos
Of people posting their miraculous weight loss
20 pounds
50 pounds
100 pounds
Photos of hip bones
And clavicles
Six packs
Long lean limbs
Bronzed skin
Glowing complexions
And that's great
Congratulations to them
My progress report is somewhat different
And so is yours probably
If you are embarking on recovery
I started of at the beginning of the year
With a worryingly low BMI
And it continued to plummet
This was the first time I had taken photos of my emaciated body
As I wanted to document this time in my life
And as a reminder of the hell I used to live in
And a stark reminder never to go back there again
It's been a crazy year so far
But one of the best
I finally stood up to my demons
I faced them head on
And you know what?
Once I showed them that I wasn't afraid of them
And that I could overcome them
They ran in the opposite direction
Just try stopping this recovering anorectic and addict
 |
| March 2014 |
 |
| April 2014 |
 |
| May 2014 |
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| June |
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Friday, 21 November 2014
Disconnected
Hello friends
I have managed to break my computer
I was watching a show yesterday while drinking a cup of tea
And spilt the contents of the cup on to my keyboard
Also my phone is playing up
So I am completely disconnected over here
I am so annoyed at myself for letting this happen
It's not only my computer
But my Mother's too
So I'm feeling really angry at myself today
And it may be sometime before I get a new one
So I may have to take a little break from blogger
Launna shared this quote with me
And I wanted to share it with you
It's so true
I have managed to break my computer
I was watching a show yesterday while drinking a cup of tea
And spilt the contents of the cup on to my keyboard
Also my phone is playing up
So I am completely disconnected over here
I am so annoyed at myself for letting this happen
It's not only my computer
But my Mother's too
So I'm feeling really angry at myself today
And it may be sometime before I get a new one
So I may have to take a little break from blogger
Launna shared this quote with me
And I wanted to share it with you
It's so true
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