Clumsy

I don't know where this post is going
But I feel the need to write
So we'll just go with it...

Something I have noticed in recent weeks
Is how very clumsy I have become
I literally fall
And trip
And bang my way through the day
Thinking back
I'm not sure when this started
Maybe I have always been accident prone
But it seems to be getting worse the older I get

This year has been a catalogue of mini disasters
Back when I got my new teeth
I had many incidences where I lost them
Like the time a dog headbutted me and knocked one out
Then I lost one in the swimming pool
Three came out when I was away during the summer
And twice I swallowed a tooth
And had to promptly purge it back up
I have learned the hard way to be extra careful with my precious new teeth
I avoid toffee sweets
Crusty bread
And chewing gum
I chew my food carefully
Sometime checking the contents of my mouth with my tongue to make sure no tooth has fallen out
Disgusting I know
But it has to be done

The past few days have been especially full with calamities
I dropped one of my Mum's good bowls in the sink and smashed it
I opened a tin of sardines and the tomato sauce went everywhere
Including all over me
I knocked a cup of tea over in the living room and ruined my Mother's slippers
I knocked a jar of mustard out of the sink
And when cooking today
I flicked a piece of piping hot onion in to the corner of my eye
It burned in to my skin as I struggled to pick it out
And this is all in the last couple of days
Also I am forever tripping over the dogs
Especially Lea
But that's not entirely my fault as she is always under my feet

When I was smoking I really was a danger
I used to sit in the living room
In front of the fire
Smoking up the chimney
I was constantly dropping hot ash and cigarettes on to the mat
That mat had to be replaced more times than I care to remember
I also used to knock over cups of tea daily
Glasses of juice
And anything I happened to be eating that day
I am happy to report that we have had a mat for some months now without any incident
Well, not many anyway

My sister is always telling me that I need to be more mindful
And concentrate on what I am doing
You see
My problem is that my mind is constantly one step ahead of my body
And my body is always playing catch up
So inevitably accidents happen

I remember when I did the mindfulness course back in the spring
That was something that we learned about
Being present in the here and now
I have to admit
I am rarely
If ever
In the present moment
I'm either thinking about something that has happened
Or something that will happen
My mind is never still
It's something that I have to actively make myself do

I think back over the years
And I have had some spectacularly embarrassing moments with regards to my clumsiness
I remember when I asked to my first grad
I wore a pair of shoes that I could not walk in
I was walking down the stairs of the club
Slipped off my shoe
And came crashing down the stairs
I picked myself up
Only to fall again two seconds later
Not my finest hour

I have broken toilets
Fell on people
Fell over people
Fallen over my own feet so many times
Fallen off a trampoline
I have left doors open so Honey has gotten in to a bedroom and peed on the bed
I could go on and on

Something funny that happened the other day
Honey and Lea are not allowed in the living room
But sometimes when my Mum is away
We let them in for a minute
So Honey came in one day
And jumped up on the couch with my sister
I took a photo
And thought no more of it
Then on Friday my Mum was looking through my new iphone
And was looking at the photos
I completely forgot that the one of Honey on the couch was  there
My Mother saw it
She was not best pleased
And me and Honey were in the dog house

I was wondering
Am I the only one like this?
Can you relate to being clumsy?
If you can
I really think we should set up a support group
Ok I'm joking
But seriously
Can you relate?

I'll leave you with a photo of Honey spending a lazy Sunday on her favourite chair
Head on chair arm
And leg hanging down

You

I know that I shouldn't feed the trolls
But in this instance I can't help myself
This post is directed at anaschallenge
You have been leaving comment on my blog
Asking me to join a weight loss challenege
And I know you have been commenting on other blogs too
I've asked you already
And I will ask you again
Politely
Please stop commenting
You are upsetting me and my readers
We are too busy fighting this illness
And do not have the energy or the inclination to court it
I have some doubts that you are a real person
As your English is pigeon like
By all means
Go ahead and have your weight loss challenge
But don't expect me or any of my friends to take part
Again
Please stop commenting
You are upsetting people who are already upset enough

Random Facts

You all know me quite well by now
I don't censor my blog is any way
And make it a point to be nothing but honest
You all know that I am a recovering addict
And that I struggle with anorexia and bulimia
And even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it
There is a lot more to me than my conditions
So I thought I would share a few random facts with you
And hope that you will share some with me
Here goes......

I am the youngest of 4 children

I have 2 older sisters and an older brother

My first pet was a cat called Wanda

I grew up in a semi detached house in the midlands of Ireland

My bestfriends were two sisters that lived two doors up

My house was not a happy place growing up

And I wasn't close to any of my family

Even a a child I knew that I had an addictive personality

I studied ballet up until the age of 16

I also swam for my county and won a bronze medal in the all Ireland's

My favourite subject in school was English

I never went to college

I'm afraid that I am not very smart

I have one nephew who is 14

My first job after school was working in a camera and photo developing shop

When I was a teenager I loved going to raves/clubs

I first took ecstacy when I was 15

My first boyfriend's name was Michael

We were together for 8 months

I've always loved reading

And writing

I used to be a night owl, now I am more of a morning person

I get really annoyed with myself if I sleep in in the morning

Even though I do not surf, my style is kind of a surfer look

I love to clothes shop

I smoked for 20 years

I was a 30 a day smoker

I am clean and sober 5 years

I first became aware of my ED when I was 18

I was in denial for a long time

I am a tv addict

My favourite shows are Breaking Bad and Orange is the new black

I love music

All types of music

I love Bat for Lashes, Rudimental, Eminem, Lana Del Ray

When I was young I wanted to be a vet when I grew up

I'm a dreamer

Next spring I plan to walk part of the Camino with my sister

One of my dreams is to open and run a dog friendly Bed and Breakfast

I've been in treatment 8 times

But I've always done best when I got well from home

I'm not very good at managing money

And I'm really bad at saving

I'm convinced that I am fat

My favourite cuisine is Italian

My favourite food is probably beef stew

Talking in front of people terrifies me

I am quite shy and quiet at heart

But when you get to know me I am quite the chatter box

I don't use Facebook

And don't really see the attraction of it

I've been blogging for two and a half years

And I absolutely love it

My sister came home from Australia this summer

She was there for 12 years

I've been to Australia twice

I would love to go travelling

And I would love to live in the US for a time

I write much better than I speak

I recently got my first iphone

I'm thinking of getting my first tattoo

I might get a sunflower on my arm

My parents have been separated for 15 years

They get on much better now

I don't know if I want to get married

But maybe that will change if I meet the right person

If I lived in my own house I would have lots more animals

More dogs

And two donkeys, I love donkeys

I'm  not religious but would consider myself spiritual

I am afraid of myself sometimes

My favourite films are The Lost Boys, Sideways and The Godfather

My party trick is being able to do mirror writing, writing with both hands, one going left, the other going right

So there are a few random facts about me
What about you?
What are some random facts about you?

Treatment

Do you remember when I told you that I might be meeting some friends from treatment?
Well it's happening
Next Friday
I feel a mixture of terror and excitement
I really want to go
But it will be a  huge deal for me
We are meeting in Dublin
And Dublin is the place that I used to do a lot of my using
I rarely venture up there
And especially not on my own
I just wouldn't trust myself
Even after all this time
The smells and sights of Dublin have the power to trigger me so much that I know I would use if I was given half a chance
Luckily, I will be travelling with my friend
We will get the train in the morning
Meet the others for lunch
And of course a chat
Then we're going to hit the shops
And as you know that is right up my street

The only thing is that  the friend I am travelling with is staying the night there
So I will have to travel back on my own
I am a bit nervous about that
But I am confident that I will get home in one piece
Hopefully

When we were in treatment
I was the thinnest
Even though I didn't feel it at the time
I was always told that I was
Now I am probably going to be the biggest out of all the girls
This unsettles me a little
But I know my friends will feel nothing but happiness that I am getting well
I know that I would feel that way for them

I've been thinking a lot about treatment recently
Probably because this time last year I was there
It's all so recent
I can remember it like it was yesterday
Putting up the Christmas decorations
Dancing around with each other
Watching the X Factor
Eating endless meals
Lining up for meds
Post meal group
Walking laps of the grounds on our skinny little legs
Having conversations about feeling fat
Crying
Laughing
We really did go through a lot in there
We saw each other at our very worst
When we were weak and malnourished
Tired and afraid
Emotional
At the very end of our rope
You bond  quickly in treatment
Very quickly
And you never forget the girls that were in treatment with you
They are imprinted in to your brain for eternity

Looking back
I can now see that when I went in to treatment I really did want to get well
I wanted to recover
But I learned that treatment does not
And never has worked for me
The environment doesn't suit me
The fact I was surrounded my girls also struggling sent me straight in to the arms of my ED
I've always done much better getting well from home
On my terms
That's not to say treatment didn't help
It did
Everytime I was admitted I got something out of it
A little bit of strength
Of hope
Of belief
I always took something from my stay

Going to see my friends on Friday is a big deal for me
It's really stepping outside my comfort zone
Something I don't do very often
But I want to do this
I really do
I know it will be good for me

Mirror mirror

It was this morning
My Mother, my sister and I were doing the weekly food shop
We had just finished in one supermarket (The less expensive one where we get all our fruit and veg)
And we were heading for the shopping center
I was walking along
Not a care in the world
Minding my own business
We reached the automatic doors
And just before they opened
I saw a reflection
I didn't recognize it at first
It looked vaguely familiar
But we live in a small town
So I presumed it was someone that I knew
I scanned up the body
The clothes
I have those leggings
I thought to myself
And that jacket too
Is it me?
Surely that body is too big to be me
Surely I am smaller than that
I scanned up to the face
And got a shock when I saw that it was me
It is me

I stopped mid sentence
And my reflection continued to walk towards me
I was about to reach out and touch it
When the doors opened
And my reflection disappeared
I disappeared

In that second I lost the plot in my head
To everyone else I probably looked perfectly normal
Like just another shopper
But in my head
Anorexia was screaming
Words that I won't repeat here
In that moment
Recovery could go f**k itself
In that moment
I wanted to starve and drink and use
In that moment
Nothing mattered
Nothing but getting out of my own head
And my own body
In that moment
I wanted to disappear
Never to be seen again

You know when a really over weight person loses a lot of weight
And even though they are now thin
They still think of themselves as fat
Sometimes even see a fat person
Well I think I am the exact opposite
I have been underweight
Now I am over weight
And I still see myself as underweight person
My mind hasn't made the transition yet

You know
At that moment in time
I really hoped that I did have body dysmorphia
I really hoped that what I saw in that reflection was not the truth
I hoped that my vision was warped
Because I couldn't take it in
I just couldn't

When I got home
I was still all over the place
I wanted to fast
I wanted to weigh myself
To prove  to myself that I either was wasn't over weight
But now
It is a few hours later
I've calmed down some
I know that I am of an average healthy weight
I know that I have not gained 3 stone over night
I really want to accept this body
To feel comfortable in my own skin
I just got such a shock when I saw myself today

I'm trying to like this body
I think one of most attractive things is confidence
And an ability to work with what you have got
So that's what I will do
Even if the confidence is not real
Fake it 'til you make it right?
That's exactly what I will do
I won't punish myself
I won't starve my poor body
I will continue to move away from the grip of my ED
What is the alternative?

ED

It seems that I am writing less and less about my ED
I think that is a good sign
It's a sign that it's not in the forefront of my mind
It's not and urgent and pressing issue
Don't get me wrong
It's still in my life
Bulimia is proving to be very stubborn
But things are 100 times better than they were
Even my perception of weight has changed
I used to crave skinny
Sharp edges and pointy bones
But now I can see that for what it is
A very ill body
And a very sick mind
Now I want to be fit and healthy
More than I want to be skinny

I don't know if I can say I am comfortable with my body at the moment
I am a bit heavier than I would like to be
But isn't that always the way
I thought I could lose some when I was severely underweight
So go figure

They say you should count your blessings slowly
And one at a time
I have a lot o be grateful for
I've come through drug and alcohol addiction
And my ED relatively unscathed
Not  lot of people can say that I would imagine
Sometimes I wonder why my family has been given so much hardship?
Why have we had to suffer so much?
Why does it seem that some people have it so easy?
But I guess it is all relative
My family have come out other side stronger and closer than ever
So there is a silver lining to all this

I think the question now is
Where do I go from here?
If I don't write about my ED or addiction
Then what the hell do I write about?
I only really started writing two and a half years ago
When I started this blog
And 95% of this blog has been about my ED or my addiction
Because that was all I knew
That was my life
Even if I wanted to write about something else
I just couldn't
I couldn't write about love
Or death
Or mystery
Because I hadn't experienced them
Because my ED took up every waking moment
I knew it so well
And I could write about it because I knew it so intimately
I genuinely couldn't think of any thing else to write about

But now my world is expanding
I am experiencing new things every day
I don't know if they make for as compelling reading as my ED
But it's important for me to know that I am not a one  trick pony
That I can write about other things
Probably the greatest kick I get out of writing
Is writing  funny or sarcastic pieces
I guess it is debatable as to whether they are actually funny
My sense of humour is an acquired taste
But still
I like to write them

They say you should write what you know
Well
I know drugs
I know alcohol
I know anorexia
I know bulimia
Correction
I knew them
Now it's time to know something else
To live
To love
To travel
To sing
To write
To feel
To dance
To walk
To run
To find
To keep
To laugh
To cry
To scream
To live life on my terms

Anorexia you don't control me any more
You can't manipulate me
You can't trick me
You can't catch me in your web of lies and deceit
I am stronger than you now
I know you too well
To let you trap me again
I knew it would be hard to get you out of my life
It was
The hardest thing I have ever done
But it was worth it
It was worth it a million times over

If you are struggling today
If you can't find a reason to get out of bed
If you can't find a reason to go on
If you feel that there is no hope
If you have lost all faith
And belief
If you are thinking about disappearing
Please know this
You are stronger than you ever thought possible
You are more beautiful than you ever imagined
You are thinner than the mirror shows
You are prettier than you see
You are more capable than you think
You are more caring and loving than you let show
You are smarter than you know
I promise you that

Anorexia/bulimia fill our heads with lies
They whisper in our ears until we don't know what is real any more
I know that I have questioned my sanity many times over the years
And feared that I was losing my mind along with all of the weight
This is why it's so f**king hard to break free
Because our ED has warped our mind so much
We don' know what is real any more
We live in a strange parallel universe
Where everything is topsy turvy
This is why that first step out of ED is so important
When the professionals finally got my meds right
The fog of depression I was living in lifted
And I felt  I could see straight for the first time in years
When we are starved
We can't see a way out
It's terrifying
But I promise you it is possible
I know that I have still a mountain to climb in terms of getting well
But I would rather climb this mountain bare foot and in a bikini
Rather than go back to the way things were
Of that I have no doubt

So if you are reading this today
This is a reminder never to give up
Never stop believing that things can improve
They can
And they will
I promise you that

Video

I spent about 10 hours yesterday fiddling around with my new phone
And I am still none the wiser
Only that my sister is something of a tech-expert
Have I managed to use it at all
Setting up all my passwords was bit of an ordeal
My sister was getting a great laugh out of watching me trying to get the hang of it
She also took a video of me
Of which I was only half aware of
If you listen carefully you will hear my sister call me by my real name
So to give you a laugh
I am going to share it with you
Yes, I am a technophobe
Yes, I come across completely stupid
But bear in mind this is my first iphone
Anyway
Here it is
I hope it gives you a giggle....