Euphoric Recall

I was looking back on my December posts from 2012 and 2013
To see what state of mind I was in back then
In 2012 I was in Australia for Christmas
I was almost at a healthy weight
But was still very eating disordered
I lost weight while there
And restricted quite a lot
As we were staying in a small house
And there wasn't really the opportunity to purge
I spent many days back then in tears I remember
The constant battle of will I or won't I eat was exhausting
I tried my best to enjoy myself
But my ED did it's level best to ruin it for me

And of course last year I was in treatment
I came home for Christmas itself
And we had a family wedding
Which I attended and it caused me no end of stress
We were staying in the hotel where the wedding was being held
I used to go back to my room early
And order room service
I remember a the end of the week
I was terrified about the bill I had clocked up
In the end it wasn't much at all
But still
It almost ruined my week

So
What is the moral of this story?
Well I think the moral is that Christmas is a tough time of year
Even for people in the full of their health  it can be a stressful time
And the moral also is that I need to give myself a break
And not beat myself up for not doing everything perfectly
I am doing my best to stay well
I am doing my best to stay sane
I am finding recovery especially hard right now
And my weight loss is massively triggering
I can feel that my clothes are looser
My face is thinner
And the spark in my eyes is fading
My family have noticed too

Although I hadn't stopped purging altogether over the last few months
I had drastically reduced it
From 10 - 20 times a day
To 1 - 3 : times a day
Still not perfect
But a big improvement
However I have noticed over the last few weeks that my purging has been getting worse and worse
I have been buying binge food
Eating in secret
And purging after every time I eat
And that is what leads to weight loss
Over the past couple of weeks
I've gone down a dress size
And am also down two points on my  BMI

I am still in the healthy weight range
Albeit on the low side
I'm not in any physical danger with regard to my weight
But of course we all know that the severity of our illness does not depend on weight
It's possible to have a relatively healthy body
But a very sick mind
And my mind is very sick at the moment

They say in AA
That all the while that you are in recovery
Your addiction is doing push ups
Meaning that all the time you are trying to stay well
Your addiction/ED is getting stronger and stronger
And just waiting for you to slip
The thing with a relapse is
That you pick up exactly where you left off
It is a progressive illness
So it gets worse over time
Not better

They also say that a slip/relapse happens long before you pick up with drug
Or purge/lose weight/drink/gamble
It's a sequence of events
That culminates in using
I know any time that I have relapsed on drugs
I can trace it back to something that happened long before I used the drug
It could start with something innocent
Maybe I watched a tv programme
And someone was using drugs
That would cause me to be triggered right there
And would plant a seed in my mind
Then I might have a vivid drug dream
So real that when I woke up I cried with relief that it wasn't real
Before I know it
I am thinking about drugs all the time
I think about the good times I had on drugs
Euphoric recall I think they call it
I think about how nice it would be to use
The feeling of warmth and comfort as the drug floods my body
Just once I tell myself
Just once

But I am not stupid
I know that there is no such thing as just once
Not for me anyway
Along with the good times of using
There were far more horrible, nasty and traumatic times
I must never forget that
For every fond memory
There are ten miserable ones
There is a  very good reason as to why I quit drugs

Anyway
Back to reality
It's Friday morning
I'm heading away for the weekend with my sister and Mother
Over to see my brother and his girlfriend
Part of me would love to stay home
And feel sorry for myself
But another part of me is glad of the distraction
I wasn't going to tell my Mother about what had happened
I didn't want to worry her
But in the end I did tell her

This is just a short post to let you know that I am ok
That I am hanging in there
I don't know if I will get to post over the weekend
But I will try
Thank you for your messages, emails and comments
They mean more than you will ever know

'Steady the ship'

It was yesterday afternoon
I was bored
Anxious
Feeling a bit low
I wanted to not feel at all
I wanted to check out of my own mind for a while
For reasons best known only to myself
I thought it would be a good idea if I took all
Yes all
Of my methadone
It was Wednesday
I had already taken that mornings dose
And had 4 doses left
I was in the living room
I got up
Calmly walked in to the kitchen
Opened the press where the meds are kept
Took out the bottle of methadone
And without a second thought
Knocked it back in to my mouth
I put the lid back on the bottle
Closed the press
And went back in to the living room

Cue panic
I had just taken my whole weeks worth of methadone
And I had just remembered that I was going to my brothers for the weekend
Fuck
Fuck
Fuckitty-fuck-fuck-fuck

I immediately regretted my actions
How stupid and impulsive am I?
Why can I not control myself?

About an hour later I started to get very sleep
My sister copped on straight away
I told her the truth
There was no point in denying it
I don't remember much about last night
I drifted in and out of sleep
My sister shouting at me when I nearly spilled my tea
I couldn't enjoy it thought
I was too worried about the rest of the week
I would have to go in to my doctor
There was just no other way around it
I would never last 4 days without my methadone

I set my alarm for early the next morning
How ever I didn't need to
As worry woke me up before it got bright
I lay in bed trying plotting and planning
I would have to ring to make an appointment
But I know I would never get one at such short notice
I could just show up
And say it was an emergency
I decided I would do that
But instead of going through the reception
I decided to go and wait directly outside my doctors door
Avoiding the receptionist
And making sure I saw him
Yes
That would work

At first
I thought I would tell my doctor that I spilled my methadone
That I was lifting it
And the top wasn't on properly
And it slipped through my hands
But in the end
I decided to be honest
Because I need to let people know where I am at
I need to ask for help
Because I do need it at the moment

It was so dark this morning
That for a minute I thought it was evening and I had slept straight through
Lea came with me
But Honey elected to stay on her chair in the kitchen
I was so nervous driving to town
There was no guarantee my doctor would replace the methadone
He wasn't obliged to
It was my responsibility to take my meds properly
It was my own fault that I had none left

I parked in the little carpark across from the surgery
It was just 9am
So I should catch him on his way down to his room
I bypassed the reception
And went and sat outside his room
I was only there a few seconds when he walked through the door
'Ruby' he said
Surprised to see me
'I don't have an appointment' I explained
'Would it be possible to see you?'
'Of course' he said
'Come in'
I followed him in to the room
And sat down beside his desk

He was just asking me a question
When his phone rang
He took the call and was talking for a few minutes
When he hung up
He went in to a rant about insurance companies
I wished he would stop talking so I could get out of there

I explained what I had done the previous day
I told him  that I had been craving
And struggling in general to keep things together
He asked me if I had used
I said I had not
He asked me if I was going to NA
I said I wasn't
He said it might be a good idea
I am starting to think that he might be right
I need some extra support
From people who understand
I can't do this alone
God knows I have tried

My doctor agreed to replace the meds
I was so relieved
Although he said that he would only do it this once
It was good of him really
He didn't have to
As I left
He told me that I need to 'steady the ship'
He is not wrong

Today I feel horrible
Hungover and groggy
And I look like death warmed up
I need to get back on track
I know better than most how quickly things can turn downwards
How all I have worked so hard for could slip through my fingers
I'm going to talk to my Mum and my sister today
And tell them I am struggling
Although I think they know already
I need help
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be

Stormy Weather

A storm hit this part of the country over the last couple of days
We've had rain
High winds
Sleet
Hail
Thunder
And the mountains are covered in snow
It's been so lovely to snuggle up with a hot cup of sweet tea
A fire blazing
Cozy pyjamas
And listen to the storm raging outside
The dogs are terrified of the thunder though

It's been hard to get a walk in over the last few days
The weather has just been so bad
But I love this kind of weather
I really hope it snows for Christmas

Today we went down to the beach to watch the waves
The sea was so wild
Here are some photos
Although they don't do it justice....

Christmas Survival Guide

It's almost Christmas again
Where this year has gone
I do not know
I thought I would do a list of tips to get through the holidays
As I know people with EDs can really struggle this time of year
Please feel free to add in any of your own
These are a mixture of my own experience
And tips from other sites

It's important to remember that everyone with an  ED is different
What works for one person
May not work for another
It's important to find what works for you
And focus on that

I love Christmas
But there is no denying that it can be a tricky time of year
I think it's important that we all find strategies that help us get through
And come out the other side relatively sane!

Remember Christmas is just another day
There is so much hype around the day itself
And if you are to believe the songs
'It's the most wonderful time of year'
This is not strictly true
Christmas can be a really tough time of year
For those who are sick
Who have no family
Who have no where to call home
Just because it is Christmas
It does not mean that everything is perfect
So if you don't feel like celebrating
That's ok
Just do as much as you feel able for
No one expects any more than that


Christmas is not all about food
Even though sometimes it can feel that way
Stick to your routine
If you have a meal plan
Stick to that
Although saying that
If you eat more on Christmas day
That's ok too
It's one day
And no damage will be done
Try not to let meal times become a negative experience over the holidays
Distract yourself before and after eating
Or even during eating
Take a walk
Phone a friends
Help out around the house
Beware of all or nothing patterns of thinking
Eating nothing or everything
It's about listening to your body and recognizing your own needs

I try to stick to my usual eating on Christmas Day
But it's easy to get caught up in the day and over eat
Don't best yourself up if this happens
You can get back on track tomorrow

Keep in touch
It's easy to become completely enveloped by home life during the holidays
Which can become claustrophobic, stressful or make Christmas related stress seem greater than it would otherwise
Make sure you maintain contact with the outside world
And you don't get drawn in to a vortex!
Make time to email, call or see your friends
Get out of the house
And do something outside of the family

There will be 10 here in my house for Christmas Day this year
I know I will be taking the dogs for plenty of walks over the holidays
Or going for a spin in my car
When I was a smoker
That was my excuse to take 10 minutes for myself
But I can still do that
Without the cigarettes of course

Comments
If you are coming home for Christmas
You may be seeing friends and family that you haven't seen in a while
If you are in recovery
Be prepared for the comments
Being told you 'look well' can be really tough
Acknowledge that people want to  give a compliment
Say thank you
And quickly change the subject

I am still getting comments about my appearance
Although I have to say it is getting easier
It may help to ask your family not to mention your appearance
Or give them some information on EDs
So your family have  a better idea of what is going on for you


Increase in symptoms
It's common for people who suffer from EDs to experience an increase in symptoms of their illness as the holiday season approaches.
 This may be due to stress over the impending festivities and/or anticipation of the presence of challenging (often high calorie) food in the weeks to come.
 Many sufferers will tell themselves that if they lose a few pounds before the holidays, they will be able to eat like everyone else
In reality this approach rarely works and the ED reasserts itself during the family time

As you know
I have been struggling myself in the run up to the holidays
And it is truly scary how things can take a turn for the worse
I am trying and fighting hard to get back on track
I am trying to treat this time of year like any other
Trying to use mindfulness to calm my mind
And I think I may need to go back to meetings
Just for my own sanity

Planning Ahead

In the midst of the problem however, good planning will help make the holidays a little easier. Below is a list of suggestions to help cope with the holidays:

• Talk to your treatment team and help identify what difficulties you may expect and problem-solve some strategies for dealing with them.
• If you are following a meal plan try to stick to it over the holidays. Try to anticipate some of the situations that will make following it harder, such as time in transit, time changes, and not having access to your usual foods. If you are traveling, plan how or where you will get the food you need.
• If you are traveling, it is wise to pack some snack foods both for the time in transit and to have upon arrival at the destination until you can go shopping.
• Make a list of things you can do to help relax and distract yourself from the feelings of fullness after a big meal. e.g. go for a walk, take a bath, read, visit a friend, go for a drive, etc. If you are traveling be sure to bring some of your distraction activities.
• Have the phone numbers of your treatment team and friends available to you.
• If you need to be at a function with certain people who make you uncomfortable, plan some ways to excuse yourself from their immediate presence. Put your own health above anything else at all times.
• Try not to count calories and try to avoid the scale.
• If you feel yourself starting to panic because you are feeling too full or if you allowed yourself to eat foods that you consider to be forbidden, remind yourself it is okay to eat what you did, that food will not make you fat, and it is normal to eat more during the holidays. Most people do and it really is okay.
• If you end up bingeing or purging, do not beat yourself up over it. Just put it behind you and move forward. Try to get back on track at the next meal.
• Prepare responses to people who may say something to you that would make you uncomfortable.
• If you feel you need to, set some boundaries for yourself by telling people ahead of time that you do not want anyone to comment on your appearance or your eating.
• Be sure to plan some time for yourself to do something that you enjoy. It is very important to take special care of yourself during the holidays.

I hope these tips helped you get through Christmas
Please feel free to add in any of your own
Wishing you a happy and peaceful Christmas
Remember it is just one day
Remember you are stronger than you know
More capable than you think
Take care
And have a safe holiday

Breakdowns and break ins

Thanks everyone
For your support on my last post
I really didn't want to write it
I didn't want to admit that I was struggling
The last thing I want to do is worry anyone
Or let anyone down
I've worked so hard to win my little piece of recovery
And even though it was far from perfect
At least it was a start
And was a hell of a lot better than living in the midst on an ED

I just worry about myself sometimes
How quickly my thinking can change
How my behaviour can turn on a dime
Thee have been a few things on my mind
My trip to Dublin reminded me
That the drug I was addicted to is still out there
I have been having non stop drug dreams since last Friday
I guess I am craving
Craving escape
Craving oblivion
Craving a break from the reality that is recovery from an ED and addiction

I don't really deal that well with reality
At least reality on realities terms
I like being able to switch off
To check off the planet for a while
I joke here at home
That Monday is my day off life
And it is
The only I do on a Monday is go to the doctor
I take my meds
And sleep for most of the day
It's my day off

But yes
Reality can bite
I hate to be so present
To be thinking all the time
Or in my case over thinking
I get bored very easily
And I hate being bored
As I always say
I like to keep myself in a state that I can fall asleep whenever I want
I can just enjoy oblivion for a while

Of course I know that this is not healthy
I know technically I am not clean and sober
And my ED is just another escape of me
I float off to the land of weight and numbers and food
And the rest of my brain switches off
And speaking of numbers
The dreaded weighing scale has made it back in to my life
I did throw one in to the lake back in he summer
But there is another one in the house
And I have been using it every morning
Rad flag right there!!!
However I am determined that this slip will not become a relapse
God dammit I have worked too hard to throw this all away
I won't let it happen this time

Anyway
It's Monday morning
I saw my doctor first thing
I was siting in the waiting room
Trying to find the words to tell him that I am struggling
I don't know what I wanted him to do
But at least I would have told someone
I was called  in to his room
I sat down
And he launched in to a story about his dogs
And radio
And anything else that was on his mind
I just couldn't find an opening to tell him
So I left without saying a word

I took my script and was walking up to the pharmacy
I saw a police car at the back entrance
Where I was going to go in the side door
Then I saw my pharmacist standing outside
She told me that they had been broken in to
And they couldn't touch anything inside
As it was a crime scene
And they were waiting for forensics to arive
She asked me if my meds were urgent
I told her they were
She went inside to see of she could organize another pharmacy to dispense my meds
Then I saw the owner
She looked really shook and upset
I asked her if everyone was ok
She said they were
Then another staff member came out and told me that the pharmacist would be out in a few minutes
I stood in the freezing cold waiting
I saw the door
The shutter was forced up
And the glass was broken
I could see part of the shop
It looked completely ransacked
A while later the pharmacist came out
And she had my meds
It really was very good of her
And I told her I really appreciated it
I really felt bad for them
As they are a family business
And what a rotten time of year for it to happen
I really feel for them

So I guess now it is up to me to get back on track
First things first
I need to put a ban on weighing myself
Maybe even get rid of this scale too?
Then make a meal plan
Which we used to do and it was very helpful
I know I have the ability to get back to where I was
I  just need to put things in place to help myself
It's not even about being thin anymore
I have been there
Done that
Bought the extra small t-shirt
It's about control
It's about running away from myself
And my life

I also need to ask for help
From my family
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
It seems to me that the 3 hardest phrases to say are
I'm sorry
I love you
And help me
I rarely say any of them
Apart from I'm sorry

I am not perfect
Recovery is not perfect
There will be highs and lows
Ups and downs
And that is ok
It's life
Nothing ever runs perfectly smoothly
At least I have acknowledged this slip
And I can do something about it

One good thing that happened last week
Was that I got a call from a the counsellor whose waiting list I was put on
So I am going to ring her today
And hopefully I can see her soon

So yes
I am struggling
I am not ok
But I will be
I know I will be

Honesty

Ok
I need to be honest about a few things
Everything is not well over here in Recovery Land
Something is amiss
And I'm not quite sure when or why it happened
All I know is that over the last couple of weeks
My purging has increased markedly
And I've lost more than a few pounds
My Mother has commented that  my face looks thinner
She said very seriously that she hopes I don't spin out of control again
God I don't want that to happen
I really don't

I know a couple of weeks ago
I was going for long periods of time without eating
And of course that culminated in a binge
Which culminated in me purging
And once I purge once
I seem to do it again and again
Lather, rinse, repeat

Last night for example
I wasn't aware that I was jumping up out of my seat every few minutes
I was up and down
And in and out of the kitchen like a yo-yo
I didn't become aware of it
Until my mother commented that I was very restless
And I was
Everytime I got up
I had something else to eat
And then purged afterwards
I knew in the lead up to my going to Dublin
That I was stress eating
But I thought that was because I was nervous and anxious about my trip
But now the trip is over
I am still eating and purging
I won't say binging and purging
Because what I am eating does not constitute a binge

Then this morning
My sister kept asking me if I was ok
She said I looked very pale
And eventually said that she had noticed that I had lost weight the last couple of weeks
I feel terrible
Because I don't want to be worrying my family
I am barely a few months in to my recovery
And it seems to be slipping through my fingers

I was reluctant to write this post
As I said I don't want to worry anyone
But I have to acknowledge where I am
That I am indeed struggling
And may need extra support
Especially at this time of year
When stress levels are high

I know one thing for sure
I don't want to go back the way I was
Sick
I don't want to be that person
I can'r go there again
I just can't
I have to much to lose now
My family has too much to lose
Things are just beginning to turn around for me
But I have to admit
I am not fine
I don't feel fine
The happy glow from my face has disappeared again
I feel like I am slipping
I am grappling with my hands to hang on to the little bit of recovery that I have
But every day it seems further away

As I always say
This is not my first rodeo
This is not my first slip
Or relapse
I know the way they happen
They creep up on you
And you don't realize it until you are up to your neck in it
By then it's almost to late
The damage is done

I know what I need to do to stop this
To get off the speeding train that is a relapse
But knowing it
And doing it
Are two completely different things
It's no secret that I struggled to come to terms with my weight re-gain
I was delighted when I thought my weight was settling
But now it is going down and down
And I feel powerless to stop it

I don't feel the thrill of weight loss any more
The only thing I felt when my sister remarked that I had lost weight was sorry that she was worried
There is no pleasure in this thing any more
That left a long time ago
Now all that is left is bitterness and resentment
Confusion and fear
I don't want to be sick again
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
I don't know if I could do this all again
It had taken so much out of me

Again
I was reluctant to write this post
As I didn't want to let my family down
I didn't want to let you down
I know my story have given you hope
And I really don't want to take that away
But in the same breath
I have to be honest about where I am at
And where my head is at
I'm not ok
I'm not fine
I'm afraid
I'm confused as to why this is happening again
When it is the last thing that I want
I know what I need to do
Ask for help
Tell people I am struggling
I guess that is what I am doing here
Letting you know
And asking for help

Clothes Post # 10

I picked up a couple of tops in Dublin on Friday
The blue woolly one I am going to wear on Christmas day
I just to find something to wear with it
The others are just for casual wear
Here they are......

Navy and orange lace top - Superdry

Grey hoody with Aztec print - Protest

Blue wool jumper - Fat Face