Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Counselling appointment

So I had my first addiction counselling appointment yesterday afternoon
I wasn't expecting much
As I've had many such appointments over the years
And they never amount to much
Other than me sitting through them
And counting the minutes until the hour is up
But this was someone I've never seen before
A woman
Called Breda

I arrived for my appointment at 2pm
It was in the same place where I see my doctor
Who I ran in to in the hall
He's always very friendly
And says a big hello
I knocked on Breda's door
And she answered straight away
I followed her in
And sat down
I'd been referred from my doctor
So she knew very little about me
Other than I was on methadone and other meds
I explained a little about my history
Which is always a pain
But it has to be done
I also explained about my recent slip
I found her great
Really on the ball
She obviously has a lot of experience

She said that I have come a long way
And even though I have slipped
I have a lot of work done
She was very positive
And very encouraging
She asked me about my days
I told her that I don't have much structure 
Other than picking up my meds
And my dogs
She said it is important that I have a reason to get up in the morning
I couldn't agree more
She also mentioned Mary
And how she is back in get post as eating disorder specialist
She said she would contact her about seeing me again
I am super excited about that!

Breda is also referring me for holistic therapy
Like reflexology and reiki
As she thinks it can really help
I was delighted about this
And it will only cost me €5 per session
Which is amazing!
She also gave me a pros and cons list about my addiction
Encouraged me to stop thinking about meetings and to just go
She also recommended meditation and mindfulness

I came out of the appointment feeling really good 
She said that she doesn't new to see me every week
So I am seeing her again in two weeks
In the mean time I have a lot of work to do 

Breda was great
I had lost faith in addiction counsellors as the last couple I've had were really brutal
It was soul destroying sitting through a whole hour with them
So Breda was a breath of fresh air
I feel a bit more clear now
Of what I need to do to get back on track
And I feel I can do it
If I can just stay away from Thr Boy
Which is harder than you might think

So today is a new day
A day where I don't use 
I don't misuse my meds
I don't text The Boy
Or reply to his texts
I walk my dogs
I eat as well as I can
And i do everything I can to help myself
I am blessed to have amazing support
Even Breda said that I am in a very fortunate position 
I drive
I have my own car
My family are nothing but supportive
I have a safe place to live
I want for nothing

This a great chance for me to get back on track
And I will grab it with both hands 
I believe that there is a life for me beyond my addiction and my ED
There is a course I can do
A job I can succeed in
A boy that is right for me
All this is just there waiting for me
I just need to reach out and find it
My destiny is not to be drug addled and destitute 
Or to die at the hands of my ED
I know there is a better life that I'm meant to lead
A better road that I am meant to take
I don't know what that is yet
But I am sure that if I stay on track
It will all become clear
I just have to do the next right thing
And I will
Or at least I will try my level best
What is the alternative.........?

Monday, 23 February 2015

Doctor Day

I'm just back from seeing my doctor
What a relief it is to have finally told him
The nerves about this appointment started last week
When I realised I needed help
Last night full blown anxiety kicked in
I was dreading telling my doctor
Not because I was worried about what he would say
I mean what can he say?
But because I hate to disappoint people
Especially someone who has put a lot of time and effort in to helping me with both my addictions and my ED
I hate to let someone down
Who has been so good and patient with me through the ups and downs over the years
So needless to say
I was not looking forward to this appointment

Anxiety woke me early this morning
My appointment was at 9 20am
So I had some time to kill
So I listened to Ed Sheeran and Taylor Seift on repeat to take my mind off things
I haven't told my mother or sister yet
So I've really had no one to talk to
Apart from you lovely ladies
But still
I hate keeping this from them
And I think they know something is up
As I've been going out a lot
And have been very distant 
I'm actually surprised that they haven't realised that I am using
They usually can tell straight away
But then I am being very devious and sneaky
And maybe they do suspect 
I don't know

So I piled my dogs in to the car
And my mother and I set off for the doctor
She brought them down to the beach
While I went to the surgery
I had to wait for about 20 minutes
I'm sure the worry was written on my face
I was agitated and fidgety 
At one point I decided that I couldn't go through with it
Then I heard my name called
And saw my doctor waiting for me 

I followed him in to his room
And sat in my usual seat
He tapped away on his computer for a moment
Before asking me how I was
I took a deep breath
And told him things were not good
And that I had some bad news 
'I've been using' I blurted out
He looked really surprised
Shocked even
'What happened?' He asked
I told him about The Boy
Although I made it clear that it was not his fault 
It was all new and my stupidity
He asked me if I had been smoking or injecting 
I told him neither
And explained about the poppy tea
He sat back in his chair
And looked really disappointed 
He asked me some more about the boy
And what I planned to do now
I told him that The Boy is moving
So at least temptation will be further away
At this point he took out a drug test
And asked me for a urine sample
I went off to the bathroom
And peed on to the little cup
It was then that I suddenly thought
What if this is clean?
What if this dude had been given me some muck that he had concocted?
And it wasn't poppy tea all
I was actually worried that the sample would be clean

I headed back to my doctors room
He was still tapping on his computer
After a couple of minutes he checked the sample
'Have you been smoking weed too?' He asked
I said I hadn't
But I had been in a room where it was being smoked
Anyway
The sample was positive for opiates and hash
My heart sank a bit
Now it all seems so real
Before I told anyone 
I could trick myself in to thinking that it wasn't that bad
And that there was nothing really to worry about
But seeing how serious my doctor took me today
I can see that I am in over my head 

He began writing up my script
I asked him if he would consider increasing the methadone
He gave me a point blank no
But after I expressed concern about withdrawal
He agreed to increase it by 4 mls
I was glad
And I am also back on daily dispensing
As well as seeing an addiction counsellor later on today

I feel huge relief having to my doctor
I could easily have got away with not telling him
As he rarely drug tests me
But I know it was the right thing to do
And he thanked me for being honest with him

So at least now I have some extra support
And I feel a bit better about the whole situation
I am reluctant to tell my family
And am hoping I can get through this without having to worry them
I guess I will just see how the next few days unfold
And if I feel I need to tell them
I will

My weight is suffering through all of this
And I've lost a few pounds
But I guess that was to be expected
And hopefully I can hold steady where I am

So
My plan for the week?
I am seeing the addiction counsellor later today
I am collecting my meds daily
I will avoid The Boy at all costs
Which is going to be hard
But has to be done
I'm going to go back swimming
As I know it is good for me
And I'm going to try my best to get my addicted ass to a meeting 
All this feels manageable 
And I feel good about getting back on track

I guess this whole situation shows me that I am not out of the woods when it comes to drugs
I have no resistance 
No capacity to say no
And I need more support in this respect

I also just want to say a huge thank you to you beautiful girls
You know who you are
For your comments, texts and emails
For your honesty
Your kind words
Your concern
And your love
It means more to me than you will ever know
Thank you
From the bottom of my heart
Thank you


Sunday, 22 February 2015

Fighting Back

I know I said I was taking a blogging break
And I did 
I didn't write from Monday to Friday which is very unusual for me
As you know I write everyday
And if I don't
Then there is something most definitely up
But my head feels clear today
So I'm going to take the opportunity to write about what's happening to me right now

You know that I have been seeing The Boy
The Boy being my ex- boyfriends best friend
I've seen him 3 or 4 times in the last month
The first time I met him in a coffee shop
The next couple of times 
I called to his house 
The first time I met him
He seemed really together
He was just finishing up a course
And was starting work
I got no bad vibes off him
I didn't get any kind of bad feeling off him
All was good
Or so I thought

The next week
He picked me up and we went out to his house
Straight away I felt uneasy
As I got the smell of weed
Now I have a bit of a problem with weed
In that I don't like it
And never really smoked it as it makes me very paranoid
Anyway
As TheBoy made tea
He asked me if I wanted a poppy tea
I had no idea what a poppy tea was
He explained that it is tea made from the pod of a poppy plant
Poppy plants which he grows himself
He showed me the pods
And I was intrigued
He said it was like a more mellow buzz than heroin
And did I want to try some
Here is the part where I messed up
I have no resistance when drugs are put in front of me
I haven't got the power to say no
So I said yes
And proceeded to drink two poppy teas

I felt all floaty and light
It was like a constantly soft feeling
Not like the warm saves you get from smoking or injecting
God forgive me I loved the feeling
I went home that night
Trying to act like a normal person in front of my family
But I kept nodding off
And falling asleep
He gave me some to bring home
And I spent the next three days in and out of sleep
In and out of reality
I thoroughly enjoyed it

But the thing about using any kind of drug 
Is that no matter how fast or hard you run
Reality is always just around the corner
It's a game of cat and mouse
And I'm always playing catch up
I've wondered about this a lot recently
Why I am constantly running from myself and from reality
Even before this slip
I was using my meds in a way that is not entirely healthy
So what is it?
What is it that I am running from?
Myself?
My own head?
Reality?
What is so bad about me that I have to numb myself every chance I get?
Is my world and reality so awful?
I mean
I have everything I could possibly need
A caring and loving family
Who want nothing but the best for me
I have good support from my doctor and other professionals
I have two dogs who are the light of my life
I have a small circle of close friends
I have my health for the most part
I have no major bills to worry about
Yes
My world is fairly safe and comfortable
So why am I not happy to live in it?

The truth is I like to feel outside of myself and my reality
I like to feel out of it 
And out of my own thoughts 
Away from the negative and intrusive thoughts that blight me
But the thing is
I can't have all the things I just mentioned
And a drug habit
I lose all these things when drugs are in the picture
I lose my family
My friends
I'm not present for my dogs
I'm generally a mess

Enter The Boy
And he challenges that belief
I look at him
And I see that he works
He functions
And all while using drugs
I started to think that maybe I could have it all
Maybe I could function with drugs in my life
Maybe I could find that balance
But in my heart
I know that is utter horse shit
I've proved that over the last few weeks
And it also showed me that I need to look at the way I take my meds too
Back when I had to collect my meds every day
I was doing better
As it was taken out of my hands
But now I am back to getting them twice weekly
And I am all over the place again

So
First things first
I need to talk to my doctor
And I want to make it clear
This was my choice
No one made me drink the tea
That was all me
It was all me
And my silly choices
I need to tell him
And be honest 
And just see what he says

I don't know
I've always been torn between my own life and my drug life 
It's been a constant tug of war
And in the last few weeks
Drugs have been winning
I need to get back on track
Even though a huge part of me would love to say f*+k it
And surrender to my need for escape
I know that is not the answer 
The answer is to make my reality a place where I am happy to be
Because the truth is that sometimes I resent my reality
My life
My family
Because I feel like I am in a place that I don't want to be
For them
Like I am holding on
For them
Keeping it together
For them
And when you feel like you are holding it together for others
You begin to resent them

Sometimes I think to myself
Maybe I should just go and get it all out of my system
Get out of my head one last time
But I quickly realise that is not the answer
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery

I guess I need to make a decision
One way or the other
As bring in this limbo is driving me to distraction 
I don't need to tell you
That writing this post was more than difficult 
But I feel it is important to be honest
I haven't told my family yet
But I know I will have to eventually
In the mean time
It's a chance for me to take stock
And re-evaluate where I am
And where I am going
Because right now
I haven't an earthly clue

Friday, 20 February 2015

Untitled

Just a quick post to let you know that I am taking a blogging break
I know my last post probably didn't make a lot of sense
And I can't say any more than that at the moment
I need to get my head head together
I need some time and space to get back on track
I hope you understand

Recent events have really tested me
And where I claim to be in my recovery
Maybe a month ago I could have said I was in recovery
But unfortunately I can't say that now in all honesty
And that is typically me
Going ahead in to situations
Even though people warn me not to
And even though my better judgement tells me not to
I still plough ahead hoping for the best
And forgetting about the destruction it could cause

Please bear with me
I will be back
I promise you back
I just need to do this
I hope you understand 
In the mean time......





Monday, 16 February 2015

And I'm Back

Apologies for my radio silence over the weekend
A combination of no Wifi
And writers block
Meant I didn't get to write all weekend
But I'm back now 
So all is well

I wanted to write about something that's been coming up for me recently about my blog
When I started writing three years ago
I didn't tell anyone in my real life about it
Or if I did
I didn't give them the name of my blog
The purpose of my blog was to write about my ED and my addiction
Without fear of anyone I knew reading it
And that was great for a while
But gradually
Over time
I told more and more people about my blog
And now many people in my real life read my blog
Recently this has effected the way that I write
I find myself editing and censoring my blog
So certain people don't get hurt or disappointed or worried
This has been a huge factor especially in the last month
There have been times when I wanted to sit down at my computer
And just pour my heart out
But I feel I can't
Because I am worried about who will read it

And I know
I guess I shouldn't tell people about my blog
If I want to stay somewhat anonymous
Last week 
A woman who works with my mother stumbled upon my blog
And I know other peor who have stumbled across my blog
I know that if you type certain words in to Google
My blog comes up in the first page
It's a. It disconcerting to know that my blog is so easily accessed
But I guess that's what I signed up for right?

I got a text over the weekend 
From a girl that I was in treatment with the first time
Back in 2008
We became firm friends fast
Both around the same age
Both had dual addictions
We had a lot in common
I remember spending so much with her
Watching DVDs 
Walking laps of the grounds
Doing each other's hair
You get so close to people in treatment
I hadn't heard from her in years though
So it was a lovely surprise
She is back in treatment
Having relapsed
She asked me how I was doing
I was able to be really honest with her 
More honest than I have been in a long time
It was such a relief
I guess I felt I could be open because there is some distance between us
I felt like I couldn't worry or disappoint get
Like I'm worried about with most other people

I guess in a round about way
I am trying to tell you all something
But I don't know if I can
I don't know if it's safe
Once something is put out there
You can't take it back
And that's what I'm worried about
I was planning on telling you all today
But now that it comes down to it
I don't know if I can do it

Apologies
I know I am talking in riddles today
It's hard to explain
You know when you are faced with something or someone 
And you know this situation is dangerous
And no good can come of it
You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach
That tells you to turn around and walk away
Run
It's like a gut instinct 
Even as you walk in to the situation 
You know it's a bad idea
But you're just hoping that the gut feeling you have is wrong
Praying the situation will work out
I know I should get out now
Before anyone gets hurt
And the person who will get hurt the most is me
Bit I've always been someone who walks in to danger despite the signs
And despite the warnings

I had planned to speak to my doctor about it today
As he is just far enough away from me to give an objective opinion
But when I found myself sitting across from him this morning
I just couldn't find the words 

I be asked a couple of people in my family to not read my blog this week
As I need some space
So maybe someday soon I will find the courage to tell you about what I am talking about
In the mean time 
Please bear with me
I will get there eventually 

Friday, 13 February 2015

The Boy update

I mentioned earlier in the week that I was planning on going to a meeting
I'm afraid I didn't go
Fear and anxiety got the better of me 
I got as far as the front door
But no further
And then of course guilt and shame followed that
I was angry at myself for not going
I think in future 
I won't say that I'm going
And just go when I feel able
Walk the walk
Instead of talking the talk

The Boy was in touch a lot this week
He wanted me to call out to him Wednesday 
But I had the flu
So declined his offer
I felt a bit better yesterday
So I texted him in the morning
And said I would call over
He replied that he had to go to work for 'an hour'
And would text me when he was home
It seems that time has ceased to have any meaning for The Boy
As it wasn't until 3 hours later that he texted me to call over

I was to call out to his house
And I was really nervous to drive there by myself 
Because it is a really narrow and dangerous road that he lives on
Plus I am not a very confident driver at the best of times
I have been to his house before 
But I have such a bad sense of direction
That that was of little help

My directions were to take the road out of the village
Go up the hill
Go around two sets of bad bends
Then take the road on the left
Follow this road for about a mile
Pass the water tank
And the hump back bridge
And his house was the first house on the left
Simple right?
Maybe for a normal human being
For me it turned in to a bit of s drama

At first I was fine
I took the road out of the village
Passed the two bad bends
Or so I thought
Nothing looked familiar though
And I had a feeling that I had gone wrong 
I continued down this narrow road
Until I came across a lorry
Stopped in the middle of the road
I pulled in to the side
As I knew I wasn't going to get passed him
I waited to see if it was going to move
But there was no sign
I got out of my car
And saw a guy in the garden of one of the houses
I went over to him
Said hello
And told him I thought I was lost
I had no address so I told him The Boys name
But he didn't know him
He told me to hang on that he would ask his father
Cue another man
They brought me in to the house
Where it looked like a hoarder lived
I repeated my friends name
But this man didn't know him either
He asked me if I had an address
Which I didn't 
But then I remembered the directions about the water tank and the bridge
And suddenly they both knew exactly where I meant
Even so
They kept me talking for another five minutes
Before I thanked them and headed off again
They left me with a warning
To be careful on said road 
As there were 'a lot of fucking lunatics' on it
I jumped back in to my car
And turned in a very tight spot
I was sure I was going to end up in a ditch
And I was starting to regret leaving the house at all

I headed back down the road
And took the first right at the crossroads
It was such a narrow road
I prayed that I wouldn't meet another car
And thankfully I didn't
I came across the water tank
And then recognised The Boys house
I breathed a sigh of relief

The Boy let me in
And I related my little adventure
He laughed
We made tea
And sat in his living room
He had very kindly made me up a natural remedy to take for my flu
Very thoughtful
We chatted for hours
And the more time  I spent with him
The more I realised that I don't want anything other than friendship from him
He is a nice guy
Funny 
Super smart
And loyal
But there is no attraction there
And I am grateful for that 
For at least now I know where we stand
As friends
And nothing more

I stayed in his house for a few hours
I thought being around a smoker would drive me nuts
But it didn't 
I didn't mind at all
 
So we are friends
And that is more than enough for me
That special someone is still out there for me
I just have to find him......

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Milestone

I mentioned in my last post that I have reached an important milestone today
In fact there are two milestones 
The first one being that I am six months smoke free today
I quit on the 11th of August last year
This is quite an achievement for me
As I loved smoking
Loved everything about it
My life was punctuated with cigarettes
And I enjoyed every one of them 
A cup if tea and a smoke was a constant in my life
Anything could be solved over a cuppa and a smoke
I can't lie
I do miss them
When I see someone smoking
I feel a pang of jealousy
But then remember that they now cost €10 a box
And I don't feel so bad 
I was telling my doctor on Monday that I am six months off them
He was very impressed
I told him that the only reason I gave up was that I couldn't afford them anymore
It didn't bother me that I was smoking myself in to an early grave 
If I was rich
I would most definitely still be smoking
I decided to treat myself for reaching this point (Like I need an excuse)
And bought myself a new hoody
It hasn't arrived yet 
But I will post photos when it does 

On to the second milestone
I am now exactly one year out of treatment
Which means I am one year in to my recovery 
The past year has gone by so quickly
And so much has happened
But I am still here
Still fighting for a better life
And hoping for a better future