Thursday, 5 March 2015

Clothes Post #14

I haven't  done a clothes post in a while
As I've been trying to be good
And not spend my money the minute I get it
But now that I have a bit of extra money thanks to me currently being a non smoker
It's hard not to spend it on other things
Namely clothes and shoes
I am getting better though
And my impulse buying isn't as bad as it once was

Anyway 
On with the show.......








Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Baby Steps

As you know
I was supposed to go to a meeting yesterday with my friend
However 
Heavy snow fall on Monday night/Tuesday morning meant that I couldn't go
I was really annoyed 
As I had planned on actually going this week
So tomorrow is the day now 
I will go to the lunch time AA meeting with my friend

I guess this friend is the closest thing I have to a best friend 
I've known her for a few years now
She also has addiction and ED issues
But she is very strong in her recovery
And she has always been there for me over the years
I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for quite a while
I told her all about the situation with The Boy
She could identify with boy drama
And she doesn't judge me at all
But she thinks I should stay away from him
She makes a lot of sense

So by hook or by crook
I will get to that meeting tomorrow
I feel pumped and motivated to get back on track
I have to
Not just for myself
But for my family and my dogs
And as for The Boy
Well
That relationship has to end
Everyone keeps telling me how there are other boys out there
I hope there is
I guess it's hard to believe that anyone would like me
When I don't like myself very much
But I know the right thing to do is to stop seeing The Boy
Before anyone else gets hurt

My appetite has been suffering through all of this
But on the bright side
I haven't been purging at all
And by that I mean I have been purging 1-2 times a day
That's about as good as it gets for me right now

My relationship with my weight and body image is very changable 
Some days I look in the mirror
And I can just about tolerate what I see
Some days I cry
And try on every item of clothing in my wardrobe
And lose the will to live with every change
Sometimes I look at myself and think that I look like something approaching ok and presentable
I would love to like my body more even just a little bit
But more often than not it is the enemy 
It is one to be feared

My  and I went on a little road trip today
I bought  two tops
And some gifts for my mum
Here they are........







Monday, 2 March 2015

Starting a blog

I was asked a question recently 
About starting to write a blog
And did I have any tips for someone who wanted to create a blog
This is a really good question
And I wish I had had someone to ask when I was starting mine

I started writing my blog April 2012
I knew very little about blogs
Although I had been reading a few about eating disorders and recovery
It seemed like such a great thing to do
And a great way to connect with others in the same situation
I was up to my neck in my ED
And I desperately craved to be around others like me
So I decided to start writing my own blog
I knew very little about blogs
And I am not the most technically minded person in the world 
So it was baby steps all the way
My blog now gets about 15 000 unique visitors a month
And it's always exciting to get comments and emails

So
Why blog?
Well first and foremost
It is just a really good hobby
If you love to write and connect with others
Then blogging is definitely for you
I have made some amazing friends through blogging
And I am as close to them as I am to people in my real life

Next
Blogging is fast becoming one of the post popular ways to communicate information
I was reading an article just yesterday
How bloggers are taking over the world
So it is definitely a good way to stay in the loop of what is happening right now

I had to decide what the theme of my blog was
I think it's good to have a theme
So people know what your blog is about
In my case I chose addiction and EDs and trying to overcome them
But yours could be about anything
Cooking
Dogs
Photography
The possibilities are endless
And there are always others who will have the same interests as you
That is the great thing about blogging
There is a whole community of people who are in the same situation as you
And they will welcome you with open arms

So now you know what you are going to write about
Time to create your blog
First you need to choose your blogging platform
This is the site that will host your blog and there are many
Blogger
Which is probably the most user friendly
Wordpress which is the biggest platform
Tumblr which is a really interesting way to post
I chose blogger
Although I have used Wordpress in the past
I definitely found that blogger is the easiest to use

Then I had to create my blog
Choose a URL
Your blogs address
Your blog title 
And your user name
I would keep your URL short and catchy and not  too difficult to remember
For your user name you can choose your real name or a pseudonym 
I choose Ruby Tuesday
As Ruby is close to my real name
And also because I love the song Ruby Tuesday

Now it's time to design your blog
And figure out how you want your blog to look
There are many free templates on blogger and Wordpress
So I am sure you will find something that suits you
And they are easy to use
Even for a technophobe like me

So now you have created your blog
It's time to write your first post
But first you need to decide whether you want to write anonymously or not
There are pros and cons to both
For the first few months
I wrote anonymously
And that was great as I could write anything
Safe in the knowledge that no one new who I was
But then I decided to make my blog more open
And started posting photos
So my blog is no longer anonymous
I would also think carefully about who you give your URL to in real life 
As then that person can read your blog whenever they like
Something to think about

So
In your first post
You will want to introduce yourself
I would make it short and snappy
Tell everyone who you are
What your blog is about 
And maybe a few tidbits about yourself
And of course always leave people wanting more.....

Then you will want to decide how often you post 
I used to post on Mondays, Wednesday's and Fridays
But now I tend to post everyday
I think posting regularly is great as people will then anticipate your next post

If you have started a blog
You will obviously want people to read your blog
So how do you do that?
Well you read and comment on other blogs
Then people will get to know you and your blog name
And will most likely check out your blog
And when you leave comments 
Write thoughtful and considerate ones 
No just 'Hey follow me and I'll follow you back'
And comment on blogs that are about a similar subject to yours 
That way people will be curious about yours

As you know
Blogs have followers
But don't write just to get followers and comments
That won't work
And you'll just drive yourself nuts
Write from the heart
And the traffic will follow

As time goes on
You will most likely add more pages to your blog
Maybe an About Me section
Where people can pop in and see the person behind the blog
I have many pages
Mostly to do with the topic of my blog
I add more and more as I think of them

I hope this post was helpful to those of you that are thinking of starting a blog
Do let me know if you have any questions
And please do comment if you have any other tips
Happy blogging!

Monday Monday

It's Monday morning
And it couldn't have come soon enough
All day yesterday
I felt I was on the verge of withdrawal
I was yawning constantly
My eyes were streaming
Nose was running
And some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones 
I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a Sunday
And Sunday is like an eternity with no meds 
The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 

I went to bed at one 
Read until two
Tossed and turned until three
Got up had a cup of tea and a biscuit
Read some more
And sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep

I awoke to a snow covered mountain
Bone chillingly cold 
Even the dogs didn't want to go outside
I made tea
And settled down to watch an episode of Frasier
For those of you that don't know
Frasier is a show that aired in the ninties 
About a psychiatrist and his family
I've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilarious
Then I got dressed 
Pulling on extra warm socks 
And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat in
I piled my dogs In to the car
Fetched my sister and headed off
Despite the snow
The roads weren't too bad
And I arrived on time
I sat in the waiting room
And read an article about how bloggers are taking over the world
Soon my doctor called me in
He told me to go ahead in to his room
I went in and sat in my usual seat
I looked around the room
The green feature wall
The weighing scales
Which always catches my attention
I noticed how messy his desk was
Coffee cups
Papers everywhere
I took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my nose
Soon my doctor came in
He sat down and smiled at me 
'How was your week?' He asked
'Ok' I replied 
'Did your methadone hold you?'
'Just about'
'Did you see The Boy at all?'
'Just once but didn't use' I said
He didn't drug test me
I told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought
'Do you like him?' He asked
'Kind of' I said
He gave me a knowing look
As if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'

He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this week
I asked him if he still planned on doing that
He said he was
'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 
'No' he said flatly
'Just another week to get back on track?'
'No' he repeated pointedly 
I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my script
I was cheeky and asked him once more 
'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm
'Ok' he gave in
'One more week but don't argue with me next week'
'I won't' I promised
I know that's manipulation 
I know I can get around him if I want to
And I shouldn't 
Because he is a kind and decent doctor 
And I should really take his advice more
He gave me my script
And left
'Be good' he said to me as I walked out
'I will' I smiled

I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't use
And that means I can't see The Boy
He may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life using
But I sure can't 
It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times
The level of chaos is the same
I have to accept that I have an addictive personality
There is no off switch it off button with me
Once I start I can't stop
For love nor money

My feelings for The Boy are another problem 
He texted yesterday
And I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone 
But in a strange way
Just knowing he wants to see me is enough
Just knowing that he may have feelings for me is enough
Despite what my family think
He is not a bad person
I know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thing
In his mind it is preferable to heroin
And anyway 
His life is more or less together
He functions
As I have said before
This is the first boy contact I've had in a long time
And when I say a long time
I mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriend
But then I was ill
So I was in no position to entertain boys
It's only now that I am feeling better
That I can even fathom having a relationship with a boy
For those ten years boys were not on my radar at all
And I didn't miss what I didn't have
But as you have said to me
This is just one boy 
And even I know it would never work
There is a whole world of boys out there
And I do believe there is someone for me
Who is meant for me
Who is healthy for me
I know there is

 So this week is operation get back on track
Dare I say it 
I am planning to go to a meeting this morning
Am I am looking in to starting an animal care course in September
I think it's now imperative that I find an occupation
And working with animals is where I am happiest

I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blog
So I am going to write a post about that tomorrow
I know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long time
So I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog

Have a happy Monday everyone
See you on the next post

Sunday, 1 March 2015

New blogs?

It seems that the blogosphere is quite quiet at the moment
So many people have left 
And it's been forever since I followed a new blog
So I'm inviting anyone out there with a new or existing blog to get in touch and share your blog
Maybe you are a new blogger?
Or maybe you have been reading here for a while?
Or maybe you've never commented before?
Whatever the reason
I'm on the look out for new blogs
So do get in touch.....

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Still standin'

The past week has been unimaginably hard 
So much has happened
And yet most of my family know nothing
So I am trying to save face for them
Using really threw me for a loop
And all I really learned is that I can't say no
And that I am still a greedy addict
The Boy has also confused me 
Wondering whether I  Iike him or not
Feeling strangely drawn to him
Anticipating his texts and calls
It's all very high school and hormonal
I now know that I can't see him
And I've accepted that
For now
Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Anyway
This is just a quick post to let you know that I am still here
I'm hurt
I've been stung
A good friend had left me feeling bruised and battered
It sucks because I really cared about this person
Even though they think I don't 
The whole situation had me wondering whether I am a bad person
Or a sick person 
Sometimes I feel like I leave a trail of destruction in my wake
And hurt everyone around me
But do I really have that power?
I don't know



Friday, 27 February 2015

Dentist

I had an appointment with my lovely dentist today
As you know 
I had temporary crowns put in last summer 
And now it's time to get the permanent ones
My dentist had a big hello for me when he saw me
He shook my hand vigorously
And told me that I was looking great
He looked at my teeth
At which point he started to get very excited
'This is fantastic' he exclaimed 
'Your mouth looks so much better since you gave up smoking'
'I can't tell you how delighted I am with this, I'm going to turn you in to a fairy princess'
I had to laugh
He seemed so thrilled with the transformation
So he booked me in for an appointment in two weeks
It will be a marathon to get the job done
But my dentist assures me that it will be worth it

In the car on the way home
My Mum and I got chatting
She was saying how strong I am
And how I have overcome so much
I felt like a complete and utter hypocrite
I considered telling her the truth
But what will that do
Other than worry her
If only she knew though

She brought up The Boy too
I told her that he is moving
She seemed very relieved
And speaking of The Boy
He just texted me
I didn't text back
I can't
And I won't 

It's always hard to get back on track after a slip
The trust is now gone
And my sister is keeping a close eye on me
It's just a rotten situation for everyone involved
And it's down to me to put things right
 
It was easy to think that I wasn't really using
After all
It was just a cup of innocent tea right?
Maybe to some people
But for me 
It has the power to send me spinning out of control
It has the power to cause me to relapse
To break my families heart
To cause utter chaos in my life
Because I am an addict
A greedy, hungry, don't know when to stop, dust bin junkie
My brain works on the basis of all or nothing
There is no in between
No happy medium
No half measures
And I have to face up to this fact 
I can't use
I can't drink
Not if I want to face any semblance of a normal life

Now it's time to pick up the pieces
And put them back together as best as I can
It's time to take stock
To reflect on the last few weeks
And to think about where I go from here
I lost a friend this week because of what happened 
And that saddens me greatly 
She wants nothing to do with me
And that feels so crappy
But 
I understand that I have frustrated people
And let people down
Heck I am sick of myself
And the trail of destruction I leave in my wake
I need s good dose of common sense
And a swift kick up the ass
Any volunteers?

No seriously 
I have to get back on track
I know exactly what that entails
I have been here many times before
The only difference this time being that I have an awful lot to lose 
I can't 
I won't let that happen
It's time to pull up my big girl pants
And behave like a responsible adult for once in my life
As the saying goes 
It's not about the size of the dog in the fight
It's about the size of the fight in the dog
And this dog has a huge fight on her hands