Silver Linings

So

Finally

Thankfully 

I got to a meeting today at lunch time

As you know

I've been trying to get to a meeting for some time now

And recent events have shown me that I need support 

I need to be around others like me 

I need to have some sort of plan in place with regards to my addiction

I can't do this alone

And I am fed up and lonely trying to

I had told a few people that I was planning on going today

So I had some encouragement and support 

And my good friend has been amazing at helping me make sense of things

But just to mess with me

The Boy texted today

He has now moved

And wanted to bring me out to the new house

I had a bit of a battle going on inside my head

Will I meet The Boy?

Will I skip the meeting

I was so tempted to go meet him

But I hard a stern talk with myself

And decided to go to the meeting instead

I was so nervous all morning

That I felt physically sick

I really didn't want to go

And yet I knew I was going to go

I called to my neighbour as her husband died on Tuesday

More of which in another post

I just wanted to keep busy as I knew if I let myself

I would talk myself out of going

Finally it was lunch time 

My nerves were at me big time

And I drove as fast as my heart was beating

I arrived at the venue

There were a few cars outside

One of which I recognised as my friends

I locked my car and headed in

I walked down the short corridor

And when I reached the door of the room

I stood outside it 

For what felt like an eternity 

Having an argument about whether to go in or not

I could hear voices

And the familiar passage of The Big Book

I put my hand on the handle of the door

And walked in

The first thing that hit me was the darkness

All the lights were off

And six people say in a circle 

Around a portable heater

The first face I saw was my friends

She had a huge smile on her face

I recognised a couple of other faces too

I took a seat

And the meeting began

One by one

Everyone spoke 

I had already decided that I wasn't going to speak and just listen 

But hearing everyone else gave me the courage to speak

And I did

I was nervous

And I could hear the wobble in my voice

I was honest

Not felt good

I was glad I went

And then it was over

I spoke to a couple of people after

And my friend gave me a massive hug

Then something a bit strange happened

I was on my way to the bathroom

When one of the men started talking to me

At first he was nice 

And made a lot of sense

But then he started talking about how he is having trouble with his 'sexual conduct'

And porn

I was really taken aback at his candour

And more than that 

I felt really uncomfortable

It was totally inappropriate for him to speak to me like that

As he went in to quite a bit of detail

Which I won't repeat here

I really did not want to hear about this persons sex life

And I'm not quite sure why he thought it was ok to tell me this

Anyway

I know better than to judge AA on just one meeting

And I know that not everyone in the meetings is well

Or even sane

So I won't let this unfortunate incident sway my opinion

So now I am home

I'm sitting with my dogs at my feet

And a cup of tea in my hand

My head feels clear

Free from all the nonsense that had been plaguing me of late

I am so glad that I went

If this whole situation had a silver lining

Maybe it will be that my recovery becomes stronger

And I get back to meetings 

I feel like I have made the first step to getting back on track

I feel positive

Dare I say it 

Hopeful

That things can improve

That I can recover from my addiction

That there is life beyond addiction

And it is a rich and colourful life

Full of happiness that can't be found in a bottle or a pipe or a needle

And I do believe that there is someone out there for me

Not that that's a priority at the moment

It isn't

My priority at the moment is not to use

And once I get on top of that 

Well

Anything is possible

Clothes Post #14

I haven't  done a clothes post in a while

As I've been trying to be good

And not spend my money the minute I get it

But now that I have a bit of extra money thanks to me currently being a non smoker

It's hard not to spend it on other things

Namely clothes and shoes

I am getting better though

And my impulse buying isn't as bad as it once was

Anyway 

On with the show.......

Baby Steps

As you know

I was supposed to go to a meeting yesterday with my friend

However 

Heavy snow fall on Monday night/Tuesday morning meant that I couldn't go

I was really annoyed 

As I had planned on actually going this week

So tomorrow is the day now 

I will go to the lunch time AA meeting with my friend

I guess this friend is the closest thing I have to a best friend 

I've known her for a few years now

She also has addiction and ED issues

But she is very strong in her recovery

And she has always been there for me over the years

I spoke to her on the phone yesterday for quite a while

I told her all about the situation with The Boy

She could identify with boy drama

And she doesn't judge me at all

But she thinks I should stay away from him

She makes a lot of sense

So by hook or by crook

I will get to that meeting tomorrow

I feel pumped and motivated to get back on track

I have to

Not just for myself

But for my family and my dogs

And as for The Boy

Well

That relationship has to end

Everyone keeps telling me how there are other boys out there

I hope there is

I guess it's hard to believe that anyone would like me

When I don't like myself very much

But I know the right thing to do is to stop seeing The Boy

Before anyone else gets hurt

My appetite has been suffering through all of this

But on the bright side

I haven't been purging at all

And by that I mean I have been purging 1-2 times a day

That's about as good as it gets for me right now

My relationship with my weight and body image is very changable 

Some days I look in the mirror

And I can just about tolerate what I see

Some days I cry

And try on every item of clothing in my wardrobe

And lose the will to live with every change

Sometimes I look at myself and think that I look like something approaching ok and presentable

I would love to like my body more even just a little bit

But more often than not it is the enemy 

It is one to be feared

My  and I went on a little road trip today

I bought  two tops

And some gifts for my mum

Here they are........

Starting a blog

I was asked a question recently 

About starting to write a blog

And did I have any tips for someone who wanted to create a blog

This is a really good question

And I wish I had had someone to ask when I was starting mine

I started writing my blog April 2012

I knew very little about blogs

Although I had been reading a few about eating disorders and recovery

It seemed like such a great thing to do

And a great way to connect with others in the same situation

I was up to my neck in my ED

And I desperately craved to be around others like me

So I decided to start writing my own blog

I knew very little about blogs

And I am not the most technically minded person in the world 

So it was baby steps all the way

My blog now gets about 15 000 unique visitors a month

And it's always exciting to get comments and emails

So

Why blog?

Well first and foremost

It is just a really good hobby

If you love to write and connect with others

Then blogging is definitely for you

I have made some amazing friends through blogging

And I am as close to them as I am to people in my real life

Next

Blogging is fast becoming one of the post popular ways to communicate information

I was reading an article just yesterday

How bloggers are taking over the world

So it is definitely a good way to stay in the loop of what is happening right now

I had to decide what the theme of my blog was

I think it's good to have a theme

So people know what your blog is about

In my case I chose addiction and EDs and trying to overcome them

But yours could be about anything

Cooking

Dogs

Photography

The possibilities are endless

And there are always others who will have the same interests as you

That is the great thing about blogging

There is a whole community of people who are in the same situation as you

And they will welcome you with open arms

So now you know what you are going to write about

Time to create your blog

First you need to choose your blogging platform

This is the site that will host your blog and there are many

Blogger

Which is probably the most user friendly

Wordpress which is the biggest platform

Tumblr which is a really interesting way to post

I chose blogger

Although I have used Wordpress in the past

I definitely found that blogger is the easiest to use

Then I had to create my blog

Choose a URL

Your blogs address

Your blog title 

And your user name

I would keep your URL short and catchy and not  too difficult to remember

For your user name you can choose your real name or a pseudonym 

I choose Ruby Tuesday

As Ruby is close to my real name

And also because I love the song Ruby Tuesday

Now it's time to design your blog

And figure out how you want your blog to look

There are many free templates on blogger and Wordpress

So I am sure you will find something that suits you

And they are easy to use

Even for a technophobe like me

So now you have created your blog

It's time to write your first post

But first you need to decide whether you want to write anonymously or not

There are pros and cons to both

For the first few months

I wrote anonymously

And that was great as I could write anything

Safe in the knowledge that no one new who I was

But then I decided to make my blog more open

And started posting photos

So my blog is no longer anonymous

I would also think carefully about who you give your URL to in real life 

As then that person can read your blog whenever they like

Something to think about

So

In your first post

You will want to introduce yourself

I would make it short and snappy

Tell everyone who you are

What your blog is about 

And maybe a few tidbits about yourself

And of course always leave people wanting more.....

Then you will want to decide how often you post 

I used to post on Mondays, Wednesday's and Fridays

But now I tend to post everyday

I think posting regularly is great as people will then anticipate your next post

If you have started a blog

You will obviously want people to read your blog

So how do you do that?

Well you read and comment on other blogs

Then people will get to know you and your blog name

And will most likely check out your blog

And when you leave comments 

Write thoughtful and considerate ones 

No just 'Hey follow me and I'll follow you back'

And comment on blogs that are about a similar subject to yours 

That way people will be curious about yours

As you know

Blogs have followers

But don't write just to get followers and comments

That won't work

And you'll just drive yourself nuts

Write from the heart

And the traffic will follow

As time goes on

You will most likely add more pages to your blog

Maybe an About Me section

Where people can pop in and see the person behind the blog

I have many pages

Mostly to do with the topic of my blog

I add more and more as I think of them

I hope this post was helpful to those of you that are thinking of starting a blog

Do let me know if you have any questions

And please do comment if you have any other tips

Happy blogging!

Monday Monday

It's Monday morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

All day yesterday

I felt I was on the verge of withdrawal

I was yawning constantly

My eyes were streaming

Nose was running

And some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones 

I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a Sunday

And Sunday is like an eternity with no meds 

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 

I went to bed at one 

Read until two

Tossed and turned until three

Got up had a cup of tea and a biscuit

Read some more

And sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep

I awoke to a snow covered mountain

Bone chillingly cold 

Even the dogs didn't want to go outside

I made tea

And settled down to watch an episode of Frasier

For those of you that don't know

Frasier is a show that aired in the ninties 

About a psychiatrist and his family

I've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilarious

Then I got dressed 

Pulling on extra warm socks 

And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat in

I piled my dogs In to the car

Fetched my sister and headed off

Despite the snow

The roads weren't too bad

And I arrived on time

I sat in the waiting room

And read an article about how bloggers are taking over the world

Soon my doctor called me in

He told me to go ahead in to his room

I went in and sat in my usual seat

I looked around the room

The green feature wall

The weighing scales

Which always catches my attention

I noticed how messy his desk was

Coffee cups

Papers everywhere

I took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my nose

Soon my doctor came in

He sat down and smiled at me 

'How was your week?' He asked

'Ok' I replied 

'Did your methadone hold you?'

'Just about'

'Did you see The Boy at all?'

'Just once but didn't use' I said

He didn't drug test me

I told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought

'Do you like him?' He asked

'Kind of' I said

He gave me a knowing look

As if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'

He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this week

I asked him if he still planned on doing that

He said he was

'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 

'No' he said flatly

'Just another week to get back on track?'

'No' he repeated pointedly 

I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my script

I was cheeky and asked him once more 

'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm

'Ok' he gave in

'One more week but don't argue with me next week'

'I won't' I promised

I know that's manipulation 

I know I can get around him if I want to

And I shouldn't 

Because he is a kind and decent doctor 

And I should really take his advice more

He gave me my script

And left

'Be good' he said to me as I walked out

'I will' I smiled

I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't use

And that means I can't see The Boy

He may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life using

But I sure can't 

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times

The level of chaos is the same

I have to accept that I have an addictive personality

There is no off switch it off button with me

Once I start I can't stop

For love nor money

My feelings for The Boy are another problem 

He texted yesterday

And I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone 

But in a strange way

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Just knowing that he may have feelings for me is enough

Despite what my family think

He is not a bad person

I know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thing

In his mind it is preferable to heroin

And anyway 

His life is more or less together

He functions

As I have said before

This is the first boy contact I've had in a long time

And when I say a long time

I mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriend

But then I was ill

So I was in no position to entertain boys

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I can even fathom having a relationship with a boy

For those ten years boys were not on my radar at all

And I didn't miss what I didn't have

But as you have said to me

This is just one boy 

And even I know it would never work

There is a whole world of boys out there

And I do believe there is someone for me

Who is meant for me

Who is healthy for me

I know there is

 So this week is operation get back on track

Dare I say it 

I am planning to go to a meeting this morning

Am I am looking in to starting an animal care course in September

I think it's now imperative that I find an occupation

And working with animals is where I am happiest

I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blog

So I am going to write a post about that tomorrow

I know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long time

So I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog

Have a happy Monday everyone

See you on the next post

New blogs?

It seems that the blogosphere is quite quiet at the moment

So many people have left 

And it's been forever since I followed a new blog

So I'm inviting anyone out there with a new or existing blog to get in touch and share your blog

Maybe you are a new blogger?

Or maybe you have been reading here for a while?

Or maybe you've never commented before?

Whatever the reason

I'm on the look out for new blogs

So do get in touch.....

Still standin'

The past week has been unimaginably hard 

So much has happened

And yet most of my family know nothing

So I am trying to save face for them

Using really threw me for a loop

And all I really learned is that I can't say no

And that I am still a greedy addict

The Boy has also confused me 

Wondering whether I  Iike him or not

Feeling strangely drawn to him

Anticipating his texts and calls

It's all very high school and hormonal

I now know that I can't see him

And I've accepted that

For now

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Anyway

This is just a quick post to let you know that I am still here

I'm hurt

I've been stung

A good friend had left me feeling bruised and battered

It sucks because I really cared about this person

Even though they think I don't 

The whole situation had me wondering whether I am a bad person

Or a sick person 

Sometimes I feel like I leave a trail of destruction in my wake

And hurt everyone around me

But do I really have that power?

I don't know