Saturday, 20 June 2015

A year scale free?

I've been thinking a lot about the whole weighing situation 
At the end of my last session with Mary 
We decided that neither she or I would weigh me for the next few weeks
She also asked me to keep a food diary
And I made a commitment to eat regularly
And preferably not purge
Mary assures me that my body will find its own natural set point if I feed it correctly
To be honest
I haven't quite kept to the agreement about not weighing
And did so once yesterday
No good can come of it though
It's a lose lose situation
Do what is an eating disordered girl to do?

I remember a while ago
I stumbled across a blog over in Wordpress
The writer was documenting her life without weighing for a year
I remember thinking it was an amazing idea
She wrote every single day
And was recovering from an eating disorder
I think her year is up by now
It was an incredible experience for this blogger
And it is something I am thinking about doing
Getting rid of my scales
And not weighing for a whole year

It's just a thought at the moment
I haven't made an concrete commitment yet
I wanted to share the idea with you guys
To see what you think
Because the thing is
Weighing myself
And being weighed by Mary
Is really holding me back
And keeping me stuck in a negative thought cycle 
I hate knowing the number
Yet I feel compelled to step on the scale on a daily basis
And emotionally torture myself
I think not knowing at all is the best policy
I will know from my clothes if I am gaining or losing weight
So that will be my guideline

I really want to go by how I feel inside
Rather than go by how I look
After my conversation with Mary
It really hit home that I am Nevet going to be happy if I hang everything on what I weigh
Or how I look
I can finally see that happiness and contentment is an inside job
No number on a scale 
No clothes size
Can fulfil me
And fill the hole in my soul
I am regularly reading over my list of ten goals for the future 
They are what really matter
They are the things that are going to build my confidence and self esteem
They are going to help me develop a thick skin
And a back bone
Because right now I am putting too much weight in what I look like
I mean yea it's nice to look nice
Have nice hair
Flattering clothes 
They can make me feel good
But only temporarily
I need to find something with more substance
And more meaning
I need a reason to get up in the morning
To bound out of bed
And face the day head on
Righting now I am just drifting along
I'm abusing my meds
Struggling to stay clean and sober 
And hating myself most of the time
There is more to life than being a certain size and a certain weight

In this year without a scale 
I hope to find other ways of liking and loving myself
I hope to find value in me as person 
Not as just a body
I hope to sppreciate myself just the way I am
And not judge myself by how I look
The lovely Sam left such a lovely comment on my last past
She asked me why I am focusing on the wrapping and the box
When there is such a lovely gift inside
These are such kind and thoughtful words 
And they are so true
Our body is just a vessel 
A vehicle 
To house what really matters on the inside
Our personality
Our hopes and dreams
Our minds 
Our brains 
They are the important things

With all that said 
I was wondering what you think about this idea
Living scale free for a year?
Yay or nay?
Inquiring minds want to know......

Friday, 19 June 2015

Memories

During my last session with Mary
She reminded me of a time when she asked me to show her a photo of a time when I felt happy and content 
I remember bringing in the photo to her
It was taken seven or eight years ago
I was in my early twenties
My weight was stable
And even though I had my struggles
I remember feeling pretty good back then

The photo was taken in my brothers house
And I am surrounded by my brother
My mother
My nephew 
And my sister
I like this photo as I think I look healthy
Like I don't have a care in the world
There's a spark in my eyes
And I look alive

There's another photo I have that I like
It's no exaggeration to say that these two photos are probably the only ones I like of myself
This one was taken in Avignon
In France
Again about seven years ago
We stayed in a beautiful apartment
And it was one of my favourite holidays ever
In the photo
I am sitting by the door 
Waiting for my family before we head out to dinner 
I'm reading 
And seem engrossed in the book 
I have a cup of tea beside me
And a cigarette in my hand 
I wasn't aware at the time that the photo was being taken
And that is probably a good thing
As I look more natural 
To be honest 
I was struggling a lot at this time 
Was underweight 
And purged my way around France 
But even though things were tough 
I still really enjoyed the holiday
And have precious memories of it

Both these photos bring back lovely memories
And prove that there were times in my past when I was happy
Things weren't perfect
But then when are they perfect?
These photos are so precious to me
In my house
I am the one that buys photo frames 
And displays the photos 
I just think that having an actual photo
is amazing
It's great to have them on the computer
Or memory stick
But holding an actual photo is one of life's little pleasures 
For me anyway

So
On to the photos......





Thursday, 18 June 2015

Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday
I wasn't expecting it
But it was a really tough session
With all the elements for a good drama
Anger 
Tears
Tragedy 
Comedy 
I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions
All in the space of the hour

First things first 
Mary wanted to weigh me
I had no objection to this 
As I had weighed that morning
And knew what my weight was
I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale
For some reason 
Seeing the number is harder that hearing it
I put my shoes back on
She asked me what I thought my weight was
I gave her a number
Then she told me 
And flippin' Norah
It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home
Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 
At first I felt anger
Anger at myself for being so effected by the number
Anger at Mary's scales 
And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 
She continued to speak to me
Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh
I barely heard of what she was saying
Couldn't even look her in the eye
I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week
And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid
I know that 
But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her
About the benefits of having an ED
And the negatives
By now 
I had my head in my hands
And tears were stinging my eyes
I couldn't write the list
It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session
I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister
How I'm always interested in her weight
And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 
So I can see the difference in what we weight
This is very eating disordered I know
And I need to stop doing it
Mary challenged me on this 
And I was starting to feel attacked
Although looking back 
I wasn't attacked
She was asking difficult questions 
Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover
I said to Mary 
'I think I should go'
But she continued to speak to me
Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 
When knowing the number had such a negative impact 
She said that it's important to know my set point
And to have at least an idea what I weigh
I don't agree 
But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better
The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off
Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time
I listed ten things 
From being clean and sober 
To having my own place 
From recovering from my ED
To being in a relationship
Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance
Which I did

'Ruby
If you want to get well
And not care about weight or shape
These are the things you should concentrate on
Don't compare yourself to others
Don't body check
Don't weigh obsessively 
These are the things that matter to you really 
And if you do achieve them
Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times
That happiness works from the inside out
Not the outside in
But for some reason
Hearing Mary say those words 
It suddenly clicked with me
I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 
Because it's losing game
A game I can never win
Because my ED is never satisfied
Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time
I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing
And I am
For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul
But after the novelty has worn off
I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers
It's like a drug
Once you get and use the drug
You feel massive relief
But it doesn't last 
And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today
Looking at that list 
And feeling so raw and emotional
I suddenly had the revelation that no
I will never get well
Or be happy 
If I continue the way I am going 
With my food
With my meds 
With my constant need to shop for clothes
They are all just symptoms of a greater problem
And that problem is that I don't like me
That I am not worthy unless I am skinny
That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill
That me Ruby
A 33 year old woman
Can not handle life on life's terms
I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places
Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain
But in reality they only postpone it
And it comes back two fold 
Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session
Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had
She is not wrong
This is all stuff I don't want to look at
Never mind deal with it 
But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation
I finally saw for the first time
That happiness does not come in a pill
It's not a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
Happiness comes from the inside
Finding self worth
Self confidence
And self esteem
In knowing that I am ok just the way I am
That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection
I have come through drug addiction
Alcoholism
Anorexia and bulimia 
I'm lucky to have even made it this far
What I look like is irrelevant
I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before
That in order to live a happy life
I need to do the things I love
Surround myself with people I love 
And reach for the goals I've set myself
I guess I am a slow learner
As this is only beginning to dawn on me
Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session
It ended well
She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week
And I thanked her for putting up with me
This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives
A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown
And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes
In short 
Mary was well able for me
And she does it all in a kind way
I left the session feeling a little better
A bit clearer about what I need to do
So I marched out in to the big bad world 
My list of goals in one hand 
My car key in the other
Ready to do battle with this bitch
Once and for all.....



The meds situation

As you know
I've been struggling to take my meds properly
I misuse them about 5 days out of 7
And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 
Because I need to get my stuff together 
If I want to start my course in September
But not just that 
If I want to be truly clean and sober
And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life
So it's decided 
I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday
I'm going to bite the bullet
And come clean

I can't go on like this
Spending my days face down
Cross legged
My head balancing on the top of my tea cup
Spilling endless drinks
Worrying my sister and mother
Going to meetings while drowsy
And that feels so wrong to me
Going to meetings 
While under the influence
It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make
I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list
To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 
And the negatives that effect my life
Of course the pros of this behaviour 
Are that I can check out of reality
And literally get out of my own head
This baffles me some
As my reality is not that bad
But it's been a pattern of mine over the years
Whether it's alcohol
Drugs
Food 
Shopping
Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now
I live in my family home
I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay
And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit
After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills
And also 
My meds cost very little each month
So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky
Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug
These meds are prescribed for me
And I am meant to take them
I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them
They are for legitimate medical conditions
But the thing is
My meds have not been reviewed in years
I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day
About anxiety
It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds
Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day
And this was a big six foot guy
Surely that can't be right

Over the years 
My meds have accumulated
Especially during hospital stays
When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis
Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out
And of course 
So now that I am getting well from home
I probably don't need to be on as much medication
And I don't speak up about that
Because it suits me to have a lot of medication
Because I am an addict
And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation
I don't want to let him down  
And I know I've manipulated him over the years 
It's not fair
And it's not right
Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone
But that's the addict in me again
Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this
Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 
Normal service resumes today


Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The aftermath

It's been a couple of days since my sister and I had out last argument 
What started off as a petty squabble on Sunday night 
Soon escalated in to an out and out row
The second in a week
My mother was here on Sunday
And tried to get us to work it out 
But we were both too hurt and upset to make it up

The next morning 
I was in the living room
My sister came in and wanted to call a truce
We shook hands 
And murmured that we were sorry
I wanted the fighting to stop
If only for my poor mothers sake
It's not fair on her to have to listen to us
As she said herself
We were acting like children
Since then things have been very cool
And there is an icy atmosphere in the house
We are staying out of each other's way
Not easy
But we are trying 

I wrote in yesterday's post about wanting to move out
I wrote that post when I was still very upset
Now that I have calmed down a bit 
I know it would be silly to make a rash decision
Or make a decision out of anger
And you 
My wonderful readers 
Were  on hand with some great advice
Sonetimes it seems that you know me better than I know myself 
I consider myself more than fortunate to have a little army of people 
All with their own words of wisdom to pass on
So thank you for that

Of course
I still want to move out
And I crave independence so very much
But as one of my live readers pointed out
It's best not to make any major decisions in the first year of recovery 
I think this is sound advice
As the first year of recovery is hard enough
Without making any life changing decisions 
The first year of recovery is all about firsts 
First year clean and sober
First birthday
First Christmas
First holiday 
There is so much to contend with
Without having to make any major decisions
So
I will still look in to my options
And see what's what
At least then I can make an informed decision 

My mum and I were talking about my sister yesterday
And we both agreed that she is not herself
She is coming off her meds at the moment
And seems to be struggling with side effects
She is volatile 
And emotional 
And we are wondering whether she should be coming off them at all
But that's her decision 
And she seems determined to do it

When I was very unwell
Moving out was out of the question
I just wouldn't have managed by myself 
And also I had no urge to move out
I was too busy in self destruct mode
To care about anything else
I guess it's a good thing that I feel the need to spread my wings 
I just crave my own little place so badly 
But the way things are at the moment
It might not be the best idea 
 
I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling to take my meds properly 
You know 
My family know 
The only people who don't know are the ones who really should know
The professionals 
I know I should get this situation under control
Or else it could escalate if I was on my own
I just can't trust myself at the moment 
I don't have the resistance to say no to drugs
And if I moved out
Away from the support of my family
Things could get worse rather than better
I know that I need to get this meds situation under control
Especially as I am due to start a course in September
And I really do want to be as well as I can be by then

Every night before I go to sleep 
I make a vow that I will do better tomorrow
That I'll get to a meeting
And start taking my meds correctly
Then morning comes around
And I misuse them again
Promising that this will be the last time
But it never is
I am the very definition of insanity
Doing the same thing over and over again
And expecting different results
I misuse my  meds 4-5 days out of 7
I skip my methadone some days
So I can take a double dose the following day
I also misuse my tablets
And the mixture has almost an opiate like effect

I know if I want to recover
And truly get well
That I can't continue in this way 
The thing is 
I have it easy
I get to use
Without any of the negative consequences 
I have a nice place to live
A roof over my head 
Clothes on my back
And food in my fridge
My drugs are free
They are prescribed 
So I am not doing anything illegal 
I don't have to steal 
Or beak the law to get my fix
I don't have to associate with other addicts
This is the tricky thing about meds 
They are prescribed
And completely legal
But in abusing them
In my mind
That is as good as using
Same shit
Different substance 
So you see
There isn't the urgency
Or the impotuse to stop the behaviour 

I think if I were to move out now
My addiction issues could well get worse
As there would be no one else there 
A huge part of my sobriety is staying clean for  my family
I know
I should do it for myself 
But if that was the only way
I'd never get clean
Integrity is doing the right thing
Even when no one is watching
I don't know if I have much integrity right now

So I will stay put
For now
It's not the right time to move out
And I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons 
So I guess I will make the best of the situation
It's horrible to be on such bad terms 
But 
It is what it is
I know I need to give my sister a break 
As she is dealing with a lot 
But I also have to protect myself and my recovery 
They say you can't pick your family 
And that is true 
Usually I get on great with my sister
Which makes me think that a lot of this has to do with her coming off her meds

So I will wait
I'm still in the very early stages of recovery 
I'm just finding my feet really
And learning to live life on life's terms 
It's not easy 
Reality is boring 
And tedious
And monotonous 
And I tend to escape any chance that I get
But I have to learn to deal 
Or else I will be running away from myself forever 
I don't want that 
I want to be able to live a good life
To be happy to be in my body and mind 

Again
Thank you so much for all your continued support
It means more than you will ever know
I feel blessed and lucky to be part of this community 
I just hope that I can give back to you even a little bit of the kindness that you have showed me

Monday, 15 June 2015

From bad to worse

Things with my sister have gone from bad to worse
We made up after out fight last week
But things erupted again last night
This time with my poor mother in the middle of it all
We had a short but nasty row
It escalated so quickly
And now there is a sour atmosphere in the house
I spoke to my mum this morning
And she seems to think my sister has such a short fuse at the moment
Because she is coming off her meds 
I think I mentioned before
That my sister has suffered with depression in recent years
And is on an anti depressant 
Recently she had started to come of it
And she has been like a bull dog chewing a wasp for the past couple of weeks 

Of course I am not entirely innocent either
We know each other well
And know exactly how to push each other's buttons
I know how to wind get up
What will drive her mad
It escalated so quickly
One minute we were fine
The next
World war 3 was breaking out
My mother called us both in to the kitchen
And tried to broker some sort of peace
But neither myself or my sister were willing to back down
Stubborn as we are
Mum made the point that we all have to live together
We all have to find a way to get on
This is true
And mum is retiring in a couple of weeks 
So there will be three of us in the house from then on
It's rally not fair to have mum in the middle of this 
And I hate that it's effecting her so much 

They say you should never go to bed on an argument
Well we did last night 
And woke up this morning feeling almost hungover
With a heaviness in my head
I went to the doctor  first thing
It was Nice Woman Doctor again
She asks how I am 
I hesitate 
And she asks what that is about
I tell her that I am thinking of moving out on my own 
Which I am
It's always been in the back of my mind 
And these rows have just kind of made it more urgent
I can't say too much to the doctor
As she is also my sisters doctor
We talked for a little while
She told me to weigh up the pros and cons 
Which I will do

But yes 
I am seriously thinking of moving out
It's not just the tension with my sister
Now that I am feeling a lot better
I have a huge urge to be independent 
To do my own thing
To have my own little corner of the world 
The more I think about it
The more I think it's a good idea
I spoke to my mother about it this morning
She advised me not to make a decision out of anger 
And not to rush out in haste
I know what she is saying 
And I won't rush in to anything
I guess it doesn't hurt to find out what my options are
Obviously I am on disability benefit
And won't be able to privately rent 
So I will have to find out what I am entitled to
In the line of rent allowance and such

I just can't live like this
It's not healthy for any of us 
And I'm sure my sister is just as fed up as I am
I know that I am no angel 
I give as good as I get
And I do acknowledge that my sister is coming off her meds
And is probably not herself these days 
But I can't live like this 
With this horrible atmosphere lingering
At the moment
No one is happy
Not me
Not my sister 
Definitely not my mother
Who is caught in the cross fire

This week the plan is to stay out of my sisters way
Get to a lot of meetings
Talki things over with Breda and Mary 
I'm interested to see what they think about the situation
Meet my friends 
Marie rents with rent allowance
So I will pick her brains about how to go about applying for that
I will also inquire about what my options are
There are so many empty houses around here
Do it won't be hard to find a place
It really boils down to how I will manage financially 
At the moment 
I have few bills
No rent to pay
I contribute a certain amount every week to shopping and bills
I pay my own car tax, insurance and my phone bill
If I move in to my own place
I will have considerably more out goings 
Money will be a lot tighter 
So I guess I have to weigh up which is more important
To live here in the tension
And have more disposable income
Or move out and have that independence but less money
At the moment 
The latter seems more appealing to me

They say you can't pick your family
And it's so true
My sister is home nearly a year now
And although we've had the odd fight in that time
Things have deteriorated a lot in the past couple of weeks
Usually we get on like a house on fire
But that fire can turn nasty very easily 
And now it is suffocating us both
So the option of moving out seems really attractive right now
 
When I was very ill
Moving out just wasn't an option
I needed the support of my family 
I wouldn't have been able to manage on my own
There was always someone here with me
But now that I am feeling physically and mentally better
I crave independence so so much
Don't get me wrong 
I love living with my mum
I love this house 
And I know it's company for mum too
I've always felt very at home here 
It's given me the time and space to recover
I've been living here ten years now
And although I've loved it
I just have the feeling that it's time to move on
To spread my wings a bit more
And find my own little place
Here 
Even though I feel very comfortable 
I'm living in someone else's house
Under their rules
I want to make my own rules
I want to do things my way
Take responsibility of my own life

Of course Honey and Lea would come with me
And I do acknowledge that it would be a huge change for them too
They know no other way other than living here
And they are so comfortable here
So at home
They place I move to would have to be animal friendly 
There's just no way on this earth that I would move without them 

But
As I said 
I won't make any rash decisions
I will investigate my options
Put the feelers out 
And go from there
I must admit though 
It's really exciting to think of having my own place
The other thing is that I have to be able to trust myself
Living on my own
It would be do easy to use 
To drink
To starve
To binge and purge
I need to be sure that I can manage those things
And to be completely honesty
I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself 

Do that's where I'm at today
I would love to get your thoughts on the situation
Do you think I am being rash?
Do you think insipid wait?
What do you think I should do about the situation with my sister?
I'd live to know......

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Blogging

Since I started writing my blog is April
2012
Blogging had become an integral part of my life
More than a hobby 
It's something that I feel compelled to do
And it's part of my everyday routine
Every morning
After I walk my dogs 
I settle down on the floor of the living room
My back to the sofa
Cup of hot sweet tea at hand
And just write until the mess of tangled words in my head makes some sort of sense
While I walk my dogs
I listen to the radio 
I love chat shows
And phone in shows
Listening to conversation 
Without the pressure of having to contribute
I also think about what I'm going to write about that day
And by the time I get home
I have the bones of a post formed in my head
I try to write every day
I do that on purpose 
Because writing my blog is something I do every day 
One day at a time
A lot like AA

Inspiration comes from everywhere 
And I'm always on the look out for interesting topics
Something might happen in my life
Like my relapse
Or getting caught shoplifting
I might review a book I've read 
Or a documentary I've watched
It might be an item about mental health or addiction highlighted in the news
It may be a personal post
A thought post
A story from my past
Inspiration is everywhere 
And I get my cues to write in the most obscure places

I've always written 
For as long as I can remember
I kept diaries 
Logs of different times in my life 
Usually when I was in treatment 
And had the time and energy and clarity of mind to write
There something lovely about documenting a moment in time
Something that the memory fails to recall no matter how hard you try
There were a few years where I wrote pretty much nothing
I was on the throes of addiction
And it just didn't seem important 
Now I wish I had documented that time
As there are so many stories
Things you couldn't make up 
Things that memory can't quite do justice to 
As I have said before
When I think back to that time
I can't quite work out if something really happened 
Or if it was a dream
Or a hallucination 
Because it could have easily been any of them

I was a late comer to the world of the internet
What with being strung out
It held no interest to me
Then I moved to a place where there was no internet connection
And do it wasn't until a few years ago that I first dipped my toe in the World Wide Web
By then 
My ED was in full flight
And I began looking for others like me
I started reading blogs probably about a year before I decided to write my own
By then 
Blogging  was huge
And every one and their mother had a blog
I didn't expect anything from blogging
I just wanted to know that I wasn't alone
That there were others like me
And people who had come out the other side alive and well

Blogging is a strange phenomenon 
And what with Facebook
Tumblr
YouTube 
Twitter
And Instagram 
It seems everyone wants to share their lives with anyone who will read, watch, listen
I don't use FB
Never have 
But of course I have looked at it
Yes something's are thought provoking and funny
And I do recognise the place social media has 
I guess I use my blog instead of Facebook
As I find it much easier to share my life with strangers than I do with those I know personally 
I thought about why that is
And I think it's because I'm not emotionally attached to the person
I'm not going to hurt them
Or disappoint them
Or let them down
Or worry them 
I can share my thoughts and experiences safe in the knowledge that there will be no come back
Is it the same for everyone?
I don't know 
You tell me

I share most things on the Internet
So I can't really give out about others who do the same
But why do we do it?
What compels us to share our thoughts
Our experiences
Our triumphs and failures
Our deepest secrets
And our sickness?
Maybe it's because we don't have anyone in real life to share them with
Maybe we are looking for others like us
Maybe we want sympathy
Or empathy
Maybe we want our struggles and pain to be acknowledged 
Maybe we want attention
Recognition
Maybe we want notoriety
Maybe we want to shock others
Maybe we have more sinister reasons
If I am really honest 
When ever something happens in my life
One of my first thoughts is
Oh that's something to write about 
How healthy is that?
I'm not entirely sure 

Of course
We wouldn't write 
If we didn't get some kind of payoff
For me
It's the connection with others 
The hope that my experiences will help
Someone else get through the day
I'm lucky to have amazing readers
Who leave such thoughtful and kind comments
Which absolutely make my day
Everyday 
I get emails from people across the world 
I feel privileged that these people share their stories with me
And I always try to reply 
Of course there is the odd nasty comment
But that's to be expected 
When you put yourself out there

On the whole 
Blogging has been an extremely positive experience
And force for good in my life
I read back over posts 
That I have no recollection of writing 
And I wonder how I am still standing 
It just goes to show what we can withstand 
And overcome when we have to 

With all that said
I was wondering about you
Why did you start blogging?
Has it been a force for good in your life?
How long have you been writing?
How often do you write?
Answers on a postcard please ......