In the know

For the first few months of writing this blog

I was pretty much anonymous

But then

And I'm

Not sure why

I wanted to share more if myself

I wanted people to be able to put a face to the words

As I know I love seeing what other bloggers look like

So since then

I've been very open

Heck I have a huge photo of myself on the front of my blog

So I think it's safe to say that I am not anonymous any more

This blog has quite a big audience

And most of the people who read it are other bloggers

And people who I don't know in real life

Very few people that I know read

I know my sister reads from time to time

And my mother and brother will read if I ask them to

But as far as I know

No one else that I know reads it

I'm covering this topic today

As I was telling my doctor this morning about the Levant Tv interview

And he asked me the name of my blog

I told him that it used to be called and then she disappeared

And now it's called and then she recovered

He asked me if disappearing was an analogy for fading away

I said it was

Glad that he had got it

When I came out 

And was telling my Mum about the conversation

I suddenly felt a cold fear

And it hit me

I had just given my doctor my blog address

What the hell was I thinking?

What if he actually reads it?

My Mother joked that if he read it

He would definitely have an insight in to my head 

I mean 

I'm sure it will just go straight out of his head 

But what if some day he's at a loose end 

Looking for something to read

And my blog pops in to his head

I know I've mentioned my doctor from time to time 

And I'm sure he would recognise himself 

I'm half tempted to trawl through my blog 

And delete any posts that mention him

I would actually hate to think that people I know we're reading my blog

Because I know then I would start censoring it

And editing it

So as not to offend anyone 

Or hurt anyone 

And I don't want my blog to be censored 

Honesty is the backbone of this blog

And I would hate to have to change that

I don't know why it's easier to talk or write to people I don't know personally 

Maybe because they are not directly involved

Because they can give an objective insight

Maybe because you can't let some one down who you don't know

Maybe because you can't hurt anyone involved 

Whatever the reason 

It's easier to tell strangers 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do people in your real life read your blog?

Or would you prefer they didn't?

Is you blog anonymous?

If so why?

I'd love to know...

General Update

Today I am two weeks scale free

It's been hard

But so worth it

I saw Mary during the week

She weighed me

But I didn't look

She told me I was 'in and around the same'

I don't know what I am the same as

But I didn't ask for a specific number

I had a physical reaction when she weighed me

My heart thumped in my chest

Thoughts racing 

Anxiety through the roof

I can't lie though 

I was just dying to ask her my weight

Even when I hit home later on

I was tempted to ring her or text her

But I managed not to

As I have said 

I am trying to go by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

And I feel quite good

Most of the time

My clothes still fit me

So that's a good way to judge

I am clearing out my room at the moment

I have so much clothes and shoes

Of every size imaginable

My weight has yoyo-ed so much over the years 

That I've had to have all these clothes

But now that my weight is somewhat stable

I am getting rid of any thing that is too small or too big

And things that I haven't worn in the last year

Some of the clothes I have found are teeny tiny

I can't believe that as a grown adult I ever fit in to them 

They look like doll clothes they are so small 

It's cathartic though

Getting rid of all this baggage

This time last year

I couldn't bring myself to throw my anorectic clothes out

But now 

I feel like it's time for them to go

And I feel able to say good bye to that part of my life

I'm having an issue with one of my friends

This is the girl who I had considered my best friend 

But recently things have not been good between us

She tends to blow hot and cold

Sometimes I hear from her nearly every day

Then I don't hear from her in weeks 

She doesn't always reply to my texts

She knows that o have been struggling recently

And during the week she sent me a text telling me that I could talk to her

And she wouldn't judge me

And please could we meet up the following day as she really wanted to help me

I said I would meet her 

And told her to text me the following day

The next came

And no word from her

I texted her to ask her if she still wanted to meet up

She said she was in the beauticians 

And was then going to get tattoo work done

I asked if she didn't want to meet up

She replied that she didn't have time

I felt really hurt

And really used

She has no problem texting me or phoning me when she wants something 

And she can be very manipulative

It's just coming to the stage where I'm not happy with the friendship 

And have decided to take a step back

If nothing else than to protect myself 

I've known this girl for years 

We've been friends on and off for a long time

She has addiction issues

And also in recovery from an ED

So we have a lot in common

But personality wise we are very different 

She can be very nice and friendly one minute

Then cold and aloof the next

And sometimes I don't know where I stand with her

I remember a while ago

I had been to a meeting that her ex boyfriend was at

She told me that as her 'best friend' could I tell her what he said

I felt hurt they she would manipulate me like that 

As I would never ask her to break a confidence like that

The other thing is that she likes to talk

Mainly about other people

She likes a good gossip

And a good bitch 

Now at this point I must stress that I am no angel

And am partial to a bit of juicy gossip

But I do draw the line at hurting someone or breaking a confidence

My friend doesn't seem to

And I do wonder

When I walk out of the room

Is she talking about me too?

I guess I am wondering what to do

I have decided to take a step back from the friendship

To cool off

And let the dust settle

I know this girl has a lot on

As she has children

But I am letting her walk all over me

And it has to stop

I am gentle and quite quiet by nature

And I feel she is taking advantage of me

The thing is 

I am second guessing myself 

Because one minute this girl is really nice and friendly

And the next she is being really bitchy

Sometimes I wonder if I am being to sensitive

But I have talked it over with my Mum and sister 

And they think I should step back too

The thing is 

That I don't have a lot of friends

I would much rather have a few good friends

Than lots of aquaintances 

But this girl has gone too far this time

And I am wondering if I should cut my losses and move on

I guess the other option would be to say all this to her

I mean I don't think she is even aware that she has hurt me

I remember last year 

I loaned her my travel pass

As she was going to Dublin once a week

I didn't mind loaning it to her

But months later

She still hasn't given it back to me

And never even mentioned it

I had an awful time trying to get it back off her

And she really gave me the run around

Eventually I got it back

But I felt so used and hurt by the whole thing 

It's strange

The people who I have really warmed to at the meetings 

Are people who are a lot older than me

I seem to get on better with them

Than with people my own age

At least I know where I stand with these people

I guess I do need to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself

I think people will treat you the way you let them

And I have let this girl take advantage of me

I will carry on with my life

And my recovery

But I am going to play it cool with this girl 

And make sure she knows that I am hurt

And I won't stand for this any longer

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Where a friend has treated you badly

What did you you?

What do you think that I should do?

I'd love to know.....

Interview!

My interview with Levant Tv is on line now

And in the Levant Tv home page

The programme is called Her Voice

It's about an hour long

And my interview is about three quarters of the way through

You can also find it here. 

Levant.tv/videos/eating-disorder

Let me know what you think.....

Dress Dilemma!

I need your help today

I am going away for the weekend next weekend

Up to my uncles 

And we are going to the theatre on the Saturday night

To see a west end production of Mama-Mia

I'm really excited to go

And bought a shirt dress from Brakeburn to wear

Here in lies my dilemma

What to wear it with it

Below 

You will see photos of said dress with bare legs

And with jeans

I'm not overly happy to get my bare  legs out 

As I HATE my legs

I think they have absolutely no shape to them

But I am wondering what you think

Which do you prefer?

It just hit me that the biggest problem I have today is what to wear to the theatre

First world problems right there!

My problems used to be alternately trying to kill myself

And trying to stay alive

Today is a good day.....

Honey!!!

As you know 

I have two dogs

They couldn't be more opposite

Honey is bold and cheeky and great fun

Lea is quiet and loyal obidient

I can not even describe in words how much they both mean to me

And how they have been instrumental in my recovery

Honey is like me

In that she loves her food

And I mean she loves it

She's always been a bit on the tubby side

The last time we were at the vet we were told she needs to lose a coue of kilos 

And recommended diet dog food

Honey was not impressed 

She loves her meats and sauces 

And has is quite partial to a biscuit too

Honey and Lea sleep in the utility room

Honeys bed is tucked under the counter

And Lea's is at the other end 

We also keep our paper bin in the utility room

A buckets to keep paper, wrappers and packets that are to be recycled

This morning I got up 

Opened the door to the utility room

And found the following

Honey in her bed

With an empty wrapper of digestive biscuits beside

Now I must stress 

She didn't eat the packet of biscuits 

She just ate the crumbs

But I still thought it was so funny

She often does this 

I have found her with a packet of ham before

So I think Honey might be a binge eater 

Maybe she should start her own blog....

Days like these....

I'm not feeling great today

I have this most awful feeling of dread hanging over me 

It's hard to be positive all the time

It's hard to look on the bright side 

I just have this horrible feeling that something terrible is going to happen

Or that  maybe it already has 

As you know

My meds have been increased

And I'm still adjusting to it

The increase in my methadone has been substantial

And has been making me very drowsy

Yesterday for instance

I took my meds as prescribed

And yet by mid afternoon

I was on the nod 

Falling asleep

And generally feeling a bit out of it

I've been so sleepy 

That I felt like I have used something

And it's no different to when I was misusing my meds 

There's other things too

I've cancelled a couple of reflexology appointments recently

And today got a text from the lady  saying that there was no point in continuing 

And to contact her when I felt better

I felt really bad about this

As I feel like I've messed her around 

Even though she sent me a lovely text

And told me to take care of myself 

I still feel really guilty that I have messed that relationship up

I guess I'm feeling like I mess everything up

That I burn bridges 

Mess people around 

And generally royally f**k up everything I do

I spoke to my mother this morning

Told her how I was feeling

She reminded me about what I said in my interview the other day

That slips and relapses are part of recovery

And it doesn't mean failure 

It's just a bump in the road 

She told me to concentrate on one thing at a time

And asked me what do I want to sort out first

My meds are the first thing that come to mind

But I don't know what else I can do there

I mean

I am taking them properly 

It's just that I am on too much now

I guess I could talk to my doctor

Or maybe I just need to wait until I get used to the new dose 

I don't know 

It's days like this that I really struggle 

I haven't been to a meeting

I'm feeling sorry for myself 

And it's on days like this

That I go from zero to suicidal in a matter of minutes

My mother reminded me that I am doing ok

To think of this time last year

When I was really struggling

And that's true

There have been many struggles overcome

But on days like this

It's very hard to see past the negative

The thing is 

That I want to be a good person

I want to do the right thing

My fear is that I  am not ill 

And am in fact a bad person

A selfish person

And I don't want to be

So what to do on a day like this?

I guess recognise that this is a bump

A slip 

It's just how I am feeling today

And feeling fantastic every moment of every day is allowed

Even the most grounded and well adjusted person has a bad day

Everyone has bad days 

And that's ok

It's all part of life

So yes

Acknowledging I'm not ok

Giving myself space and time to feel like this

Without trying to cheer myself up

Or force myself to be happy

Talk to someone 

Talking really does help

Providing your speaking to someone who has your best interests at heart 

Blogging helps me massively 

I know that when I am finished writing this post

I will feel heaps better

And later on when I get get some comments

And I don't feel so alone

That will make my heart swell

And remind me that I have so many people cheering for me

And willing me to do well

I guess on days like this

We take extra care

We are kind to ourselves 

We are gentle with ourselves 

We remind ourselves that it's baby steps we need to take

And that we are in fact, exactly where we should be

So today I will take care

I will walk my dogs 

Write my blog 

Sit in the sun and read my book

Eat properly 

And generally take it easy on myself

Try to at least

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you get through days like these?

What helps you?

Sans Scale

Giving up my weighing scales 

Has turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made in recent times

I admit it

For the first few days

I missed it

And spent many hours wondering what I weighed 

But now I'm on Day 10

And I feel like I'm past the withdrawal stage 

And reaping the rewards of not weighing 

Weighing was one of the first things I did of a morning

I woke up 

Used the bathroom

Stripped

And stood on

In the milliseconds that it took the number to flash up

I said a quick and pleading prayer to whatever God was in duty at that time to please show a nice number a safe number 

Or an acceptable number 

Then I would squeeze my eyes open

And peep down at the number 

That number

Dictated my mood 

My self esteem

And self worth for the whole day

There have been times when I sobbed on my bed room floor 

Naked 

Cursing the scale and my big anorexic ass

How dignified

Who ever said eating disorders were glamorous

Come walk a day in my shoes

Anyway 

I just wanted to say that I really recommend getting rid of the scale

In the past year 

I have got rid of two scales 

The first one was thrown in to the lake near my house 

(Sorry Mother Nature!)

And I took a hammer to the second one

Each time I went back to the scale 

Replacing the ones that were destroyed

Like a slave 

I kept going back

Now 

I can honestly say that I don't miss the scale

Not one little bit

The initial few days were tough

As I imagined that without my scale

I was putting on weight by the hour

But 

I am going by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

And I feel pretty ok

Most of the time

So let's go with that 

And also my clothes still fit

So I am not going to freak out just yet

So all in all 

Getting rid of the scale has been very positive

It's freeing 

It's liberating

It's cathartic

It's breaking the ball and chain that is the scale

It's taking back control 

It's saying that I don't want to be a slave to the scale any more

It's taking a stand against your ED 

It's measuring your worth by how you live your life 

And not measuring your worth in pounds and ounces 

So if you are thinking about it

All I can say is

 

DO IT!

I promise you

You won't regret it ....