Weekend Away

I'm heading away this weekend 

With my Mother and sister 

We are not going far 

Just to the next county to visit my uncle 

I'll try to post over the next couple of days

But if I don't 

I guess it's good to take a break sometimes too

There are times when I put pressure on myself to blog

I try to blog every day

As it helps me make sense of things 

It's something I do every day

One day at a time

It gives my day structure 

And routine

But I guess I should blog when I feel like it

And not put pressure on myself 

But that is me

An All or nothing type of gal

I don't really have the travel bug

Nevet really have 

When I finished school

I told everyone that I was going travelling

More than a decade later 

I still haven't gone 

I suppose I am a home bird

I like the comfort and safety of my house

Going out causes me anxiety

And I tend to go to the same places everyday

At the same time

And when I go out for the day

I am counting the hours until I can go home again 

Don't get me wrong 

I love to go on holiday 

I love airports and flying

I love trains and buses 

I actually like the travelling part

I love staying in hotels or B&Bs

I guess I've never actually organised my own holiday

I've always gone away on trips that someone else has arranged

So I've been doing things that others want to do

If I organised my own holiday

And did what I want to do

I'm sure I would enjoy it much more

The other thing I don't like about travelling is packing 

I am a terrible packer

Take this weekend 

We are going away for two nights

And Nike sports bag is bursting at the seams with clothes and shoes

I always bring more than I need

Just in case

Just in case it snows 

I will bring all my winter wear

Just in case I decide to climb a mountain

I will bring all my hiking gear

Just in case....

I inevitably only wear about one third of the stuff I bring

But it eases my mind to know that they are there

So here is what I am bringing

1 leather jacket

1 rain jacket

2 x jeans - 1 blue, 1 navy

3 x trousers - 1 blue tight, 1 blue baggy, 1 mustard

2 x t-shirts - 1navy, 1 white 

2 x hoodys 

1 x cardigan

You know 

Just in case

I was wondering about you 

Do you like travelling?

Or are you more of a home bird like me?

Are you a good packer?

Or are you a pack everything just in case kind of person?

Answers on a postcard please.....

RUBY......!!!!!

Good morning and welcome to

Another instalment of - 

Ruby F**ks up!!

Last episode we saw Ruby over taking her medication

Having to tell her doctor 

Her meds being increased

Said meds making her drowsy

Making her feel like she might as well be misusing them

Here what's on today's episode

Today

As Ruby walks her dogs

She suddenly has a huge urge to know her weight 

She gets home 

Takes said scales out of the bag she's left in the 'messy room'

Said scales had not been working of late

And it suddenly occurs to her why

The battery is not in correctly

So in a brainwave worthy of Mcguyver

She takes a teeny tiny piece of tin foil

And places it in said battery compartmen

She turns the scale over 

And lo and be hold it works!

She takes the scales in to get room

Places it where she always places it

And before she could talk herself out of it

She strips

And stands on it

She registers the number

Where does it fall on the safe - unsafe number range

Hmmmm

It's verging on unsafe

That's not good 

That won't do at all 

In her mind 

She immediately decides to go an a 'diet'

Not a relapse people 

A d-I-e-t

Just a few pounds

Just enough to get back to my safe place

It'll be fine

It'll all be fine

Famous last words 

So yes 

Ruby so enthusiastically started off her year without a scale three weeks ago

And now in a moment of weakness

She has managed to mess that up

So that's today's episode

Tune in next week 

To see what delights Ruby has in store.....

This is the face....

This is the face of a girl with mental health issues

The face of a girl trying her best to recover from anorexia and bulimia

This is the face of a girl who has been through depression 

And still battles it and anxiety every day

This is the face of a girl who has been through drug addiction and alcoholism

She fights them both every single day

This is the face of a girl who has been as low as you can go

Who looked death in the face many times

This is the face of a girl who refuses to be beaten

Who no matter what happens, she continues to fight for a better life

This is the face of a girl who has never given up

Even on her darkest days

This is the face of a girl who hated herself 

Every single inch of herself 

This is the face of a girl who thought she had no future

And wouldn't make it past 25

This is the face of a girl who has sat in deaths waiting room

And knocked on its door many times

This is the face of a girl who tentatively dipped her toe in to recovery

And is doing her best to stay well

This is the face of a girl who thought she was going mad

But now knows she was just ill

This is the face of a girl who thought she was a bad person

But now knows she is not

This is the face of a girl who is afraid 

But who takes a leap of faith every single day

This is the face of a girl who was once very very lost

And has just started to find her way

This is the face of a girl who is starting to accept herself

Flaws and all

This is the face of a girl who thought she was ugly, fat and worthless 

But now knows that is not true

This is the face of a girl who has been through a lot

But wants to use her experiences to help others 

This is the face of a girl who was afraid to be herself

But day by day is liking herself a little bit more

This is the face of a girl who clings to hope

Because sometimes that's all she has

This is the face of a girl that won't let her demons beat her

Even when they seem stronger than her

This is the face of a girl who is not afraid to be herself

After years of trying to be someone else

This is the face of a girl who will continue to strive for a better life

And won't ever give up 

In the know

For the first few months of writing this blog

I was pretty much anonymous

But then

And I'm

Not sure why

I wanted to share more if myself

I wanted people to be able to put a face to the words

As I know I love seeing what other bloggers look like

So since then

I've been very open

Heck I have a huge photo of myself on the front of my blog

So I think it's safe to say that I am not anonymous any more

This blog has quite a big audience

And most of the people who read it are other bloggers

And people who I don't know in real life

Very few people that I know read

I know my sister reads from time to time

And my mother and brother will read if I ask them to

But as far as I know

No one else that I know reads it

I'm covering this topic today

As I was telling my doctor this morning about the Levant Tv interview

And he asked me the name of my blog

I told him that it used to be called and then she disappeared

And now it's called and then she recovered

He asked me if disappearing was an analogy for fading away

I said it was

Glad that he had got it

When I came out 

And was telling my Mum about the conversation

I suddenly felt a cold fear

And it hit me

I had just given my doctor my blog address

What the hell was I thinking?

What if he actually reads it?

My Mother joked that if he read it

He would definitely have an insight in to my head 

I mean 

I'm sure it will just go straight out of his head 

But what if some day he's at a loose end 

Looking for something to read

And my blog pops in to his head

I know I've mentioned my doctor from time to time 

And I'm sure he would recognise himself 

I'm half tempted to trawl through my blog 

And delete any posts that mention him

I would actually hate to think that people I know we're reading my blog

Because I know then I would start censoring it

And editing it

So as not to offend anyone 

Or hurt anyone 

And I don't want my blog to be censored 

Honesty is the backbone of this blog

And I would hate to have to change that

I don't know why it's easier to talk or write to people I don't know personally 

Maybe because they are not directly involved

Because they can give an objective insight

Maybe because you can't let some one down who you don't know

Maybe because you can't hurt anyone involved 

Whatever the reason 

It's easier to tell strangers 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Do people in your real life read your blog?

Or would you prefer they didn't?

Is you blog anonymous?

If so why?

I'd love to know...

General Update

Today I am two weeks scale free

It's been hard

But so worth it

I saw Mary during the week

She weighed me

But I didn't look

She told me I was 'in and around the same'

I don't know what I am the same as

But I didn't ask for a specific number

I had a physical reaction when she weighed me

My heart thumped in my chest

Thoughts racing 

Anxiety through the roof

I can't lie though 

I was just dying to ask her my weight

Even when I hit home later on

I was tempted to ring her or text her

But I managed not to

As I have said 

I am trying to go by how I feel 

Rather than what I look like

And I feel quite good

Most of the time

My clothes still fit me

So that's a good way to judge

I am clearing out my room at the moment

I have so much clothes and shoes

Of every size imaginable

My weight has yoyo-ed so much over the years 

That I've had to have all these clothes

But now that my weight is somewhat stable

I am getting rid of any thing that is too small or too big

And things that I haven't worn in the last year

Some of the clothes I have found are teeny tiny

I can't believe that as a grown adult I ever fit in to them 

They look like doll clothes they are so small 

It's cathartic though

Getting rid of all this baggage

This time last year

I couldn't bring myself to throw my anorectic clothes out

But now 

I feel like it's time for them to go

And I feel able to say good bye to that part of my life

I'm having an issue with one of my friends

This is the girl who I had considered my best friend 

But recently things have not been good between us

She tends to blow hot and cold

Sometimes I hear from her nearly every day

Then I don't hear from her in weeks 

She doesn't always reply to my texts

She knows that o have been struggling recently

And during the week she sent me a text telling me that I could talk to her

And she wouldn't judge me

And please could we meet up the following day as she really wanted to help me

I said I would meet her 

And told her to text me the following day

The next came

And no word from her

I texted her to ask her if she still wanted to meet up

She said she was in the beauticians 

And was then going to get tattoo work done

I asked if she didn't want to meet up

She replied that she didn't have time

I felt really hurt

And really used

She has no problem texting me or phoning me when she wants something 

And she can be very manipulative

It's just coming to the stage where I'm not happy with the friendship 

And have decided to take a step back

If nothing else than to protect myself 

I've known this girl for years 

We've been friends on and off for a long time

She has addiction issues

And also in recovery from an ED

So we have a lot in common

But personality wise we are very different 

She can be very nice and friendly one minute

Then cold and aloof the next

And sometimes I don't know where I stand with her

I remember a while ago

I had been to a meeting that her ex boyfriend was at

She told me that as her 'best friend' could I tell her what he said

I felt hurt they she would manipulate me like that 

As I would never ask her to break a confidence like that

The other thing is that she likes to talk

Mainly about other people

She likes a good gossip

And a good bitch 

Now at this point I must stress that I am no angel

And am partial to a bit of juicy gossip

But I do draw the line at hurting someone or breaking a confidence

My friend doesn't seem to

And I do wonder

When I walk out of the room

Is she talking about me too?

I guess I am wondering what to do

I have decided to take a step back from the friendship

To cool off

And let the dust settle

I know this girl has a lot on

As she has children

But I am letting her walk all over me

And it has to stop

I am gentle and quite quiet by nature

And I feel she is taking advantage of me

The thing is 

I am second guessing myself 

Because one minute this girl is really nice and friendly

And the next she is being really bitchy

Sometimes I wonder if I am being to sensitive

But I have talked it over with my Mum and sister 

And they think I should step back too

The thing is 

That I don't have a lot of friends

I would much rather have a few good friends

Than lots of aquaintances 

But this girl has gone too far this time

And I am wondering if I should cut my losses and move on

I guess the other option would be to say all this to her

I mean I don't think she is even aware that she has hurt me

I remember last year 

I loaned her my travel pass

As she was going to Dublin once a week

I didn't mind loaning it to her

But months later

She still hasn't given it back to me

And never even mentioned it

I had an awful time trying to get it back off her

And she really gave me the run around

Eventually I got it back

But I felt so used and hurt by the whole thing 

It's strange

The people who I have really warmed to at the meetings 

Are people who are a lot older than me

I seem to get on better with them

Than with people my own age

At least I know where I stand with these people

I guess I do need to learn to be assertive and stand up for myself

I think people will treat you the way you let them

And I have let this girl take advantage of me

I will carry on with my life

And my recovery

But I am going to play it cool with this girl 

And make sure she knows that I am hurt

And I won't stand for this any longer

I was wondering about you

Have you ever been in a situation like this?

Where a friend has treated you badly

What did you you?

What do you think that I should do?

I'd love to know.....

Interview!

My interview with Levant Tv is on line now

And in the Levant Tv home page

The programme is called Her Voice

It's about an hour long

And my interview is about three quarters of the way through

You can also find it here. 

Levant.tv/videos/eating-disorder

Let me know what you think.....

Dress Dilemma!

I need your help today

I am going away for the weekend next weekend

Up to my uncles 

And we are going to the theatre on the Saturday night

To see a west end production of Mama-Mia

I'm really excited to go

And bought a shirt dress from Brakeburn to wear

Here in lies my dilemma

What to wear it with it

Below 

You will see photos of said dress with bare legs

And with jeans

I'm not overly happy to get my bare  legs out 

As I HATE my legs

I think they have absolutely no shape to them

But I am wondering what you think

Which do you prefer?

It just hit me that the biggest problem I have today is what to wear to the theatre

First world problems right there!

My problems used to be alternately trying to kill myself

And trying to stay alive

Today is a good day.....