What next?

I'm about a year in to my recovery now

I  am weight restored

My mood is good

Anxiety under control

I feel strong 

Capable 

Able

I've just about recovered physically

And am on the way to becoming recovered mentally

Although I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered

But I'm hoping to be as well as I can possibly be 

Now that I'm feeling better

Now that I am no longer caught in a deadly game of life and death

I find myself wondering

What now?

What next?

What do I do now that I am feeling better?

My ED dominated my life for over ten years 

It was like a job

I worked all week ie restricting 

And at the end of the week I expected a big fat pay check ie weight loss

Then of course 

I had my addiction to contend with over the years

Which was also like a full time job

So now I find myself thinking 

Where do I go from here?

I wrote about starting a course

And I thought they was what I wanted to do

But if I am honest 

Business and computers are not my thing

They don't interest me

They don't capture my attention

I guess I would prefer to study something a bit more arty

That would suit my personality a bit more

So I've decided that I'm not going to do the course

Plus the fact that I will lose my disability benefit if I start the course

Everything is telling me not to do it

So I'm not going to

What are you going to do?

I hear you cry

Well I've decided for the next year

To concentrate on my recovery 

Prioritising my health and recovery

Focus on meetings and therapy

And also volunteer at my local dog shelter

I rang then today to inquire

And I'm going to see them next Thursday 

to fill out paper work

I am super duper excited about this 

I can't wait 

They mentioned that my main jobs will be walking and socialising the dogs

My idea of heaven!

In other news

I can't wait to get my next piercing done

But can't decide which one to get

Can any of you lovely ladies help me out with a suggestion

Inquiring minds want to know...

Hole in one...

So my piercing and I are slowly but surely getting used to each other

When I woke up this morning

And remembered that I had it done

I jumped out of bed to examine it in the mirror

The redness has now gone down

And I like it even more than I did yesterday

My Mum can barely look at it

And is pretty horrified that I got it done

Yesterday was a really cool experience

Going to Zombie Dolls

Meeting Terry 

Getting the piercing done

I'm so glad that Terry was straight up with me

And to me that the labret piercing wouldn't work

And didn't let me go ahead and do something that would later cause me problems 

I really liked Terry 

It was like she had no filter between her brain and her mouth

And I love that!

Now I definitely want to get more done

Maybe a few in different parts of my ear

My belly button

My tongue 

Eek I can't imagine how painful that would be 

Yesterday the pain was intense 

And my instinct was to pull her hands away

Thankfully it didn't last though

And I lived to tell the tale

Here are some photos of it today...

P Day

So

Today was the day

The day I get my piercing done

For my birthday

My birthday gift to myself 

My sister and I set off early this morning

The studios name is Zombie Dolls

And is about half an hour from my house

From the start

I had butterflies in my tummy

I like to think that I have a high pain threshold

Having been through many many dental surgeries

Pancreatitis 

And sticking many needles in to myself over the course of my addiction

I like to think I'm a tough cookie in that respect

We arrived in town

And parked 

It took us a while to actually find the place

But we did 

Eventually 

The place itself was so cool

All black

With black and white paintings on the walls

There was a young girl on reception 

She told us to take a seat

And Terry would be out to see us shortly

Terry being the piercer

A couple of minutes later

She came to greet us

A really pretty girl

About forty I would guess

With strawberry blonde hair 

And covered in tattoos 

I liked her immediately

And the place

Sometimes 

These places  can be intimidating

But this place had a lovely atmosphere

And a nice vibe

I told Terry that I wanted to get my labret done

Which is just below the bottom lip

She took a look at my labret and gums

And said that it wouldn't really work as my lip was so low it wouldn't be seen

And it would also effect my gums

I was really disappointed that I couldn't get it done

But Terry suggested that I get the bit of skin between my nose and my upper lip done

I wasn't too keen on this 

Then my sister suggested that I get my nose done

I liked that idea 

And decided to go for it

I wasn't leaving that place until I had something pierced!

I sat up on the table

And Terry prepared her tools

I decided to go for a small ring

Instead of a stud

She assured me that it wasn't too painful

And that it would all be over in a split second 

Then she did it 

She pierced my nose

And holy hell people

It didn't half hurt!

My gut reaction was to pull her hands away from me 

But thankfully the pain didn't last

And it was all over before I knew it

Terry secured the ring in my nose 

And I went to the mirror to have a look

I love it!

It's subtle 

Just what I was looking for

Terry suggested that I don't get any more piercings on my face

As my face is 'too soft'

And suggested that I go to town on my ears

One thing is for sure 

I will definitely be back for more

I've been bitten by the bug

Terry herself was amazing

She talked non stop for the whole time we were there

At one point she noticed my psoriasis

And have me the number of a homeopath who works wonders

She told us how she used to suffer with depression

And how she tried everything

Including medication

But nothing helped until she went to this man

It was funny

It was like she knew that we were struggling with some of the same issues she was 

It was like she sensed it somehow

You know how they say people can recognise their own traits in others

Well that was what it was like

I was so relieved when the whole thing was over

And do delighted that I had gone through with it

My sister was snapping away on my phone the whole way through

A picture paints a thousand words....

The Piercing

I rang the piercing studio today

It's called Zombie Dolls

I plan to go there tomorrow

It's about a half hour drive

And my sister is going to come with me

My Mother is horrified that I am getting it done 

But I'm hoping she'll come around 

I have to admit

I am both nervous and excited

I asked the girl how painful it is to get just below the lip pierced

She didn't lie

And told me it would hurt

Albeit for just a split second

She told me they its all over very quickly

Iike to think that I have a high pain threshold

I guess I'll find out tomorrow 

I'm thinking that it can't be any worse than the dentist 

I've sat through many an hour in the dentists chair over the last 12 months

So I'm hoping that this will be nothing like that 

I've actually wanted to get this done for years

But never got around to it

I'm hoping it will all be ok

And that I will like it 

However 

It is a piercing

And if I don't like it

I can remove it with relative ease

With all that said

I was wondering about you

Did you find your piercings painful?

Have you had the one that I am getting done?

Just below my lower lip

Did you find it very painful?

Have you any tips or tricks to look after it?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Puppy Love....

Me and my two best girls

Honey and Lea

Who keep me going when I think I can't go on

Who greet me as though they haven't seen me in years every time I walk in to the kitchen 

Who sit by side 

Lie at my feet

Walk with me every morning

Who are never more than a few feet from my side 

I'm telling you 

Dogs are the best medicine I've ever had

Better than any drug

Any anti depressant

Any upper or downer

And sedative

Or sleeping tablet

If you want to improve your health

Physical and mental

Get a dog 

Or a cat 

Or a ferret

Or a hamster 

Something that you have to look after apart from yourself 

I promise you

What you give 

You will get back one hundred fold

They say in recovery 

That in order to understand responsibility

You should first get a plant

Keep it for a year 

And if that is successful

Get a dog

If that works out

You are then ready for a relationship

I can't begin to tell you how having two dogs has helped me 

They take me out of myself 

They remind me to keep life simple

To value what matters 

To be kind 

And loyal

Do you remember 18 months ago

When I went in to treatment for the umpteenth time 

My poor Lea fell in to a depression

And her fur began to fall out 

It continued until she had a huge bald patch on her back 

It wasn't until I came home

And began to recover myself

That Lea began to recover too

I find that utterly amazing 

That my illness effected her so much 

And manifested in a physical way

So yes 

My two buddies

My best friends 

My constant companions 

Ever by my side

I can only hope they live for another few years

As I would be truly lost without them 

Hermit

It seems that I struggling to get out and about

And do my normal daily activities

More and more 

I am refusing invitations to go places

Opting to stay at home

And drift in and out of sleep

I haven't been to a meeting in weeks

I didn't go to my nephews birthday

Didn't go and see his flying lesson 

Missed various trips and meals out

It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing

Is getting up really early in the morning

Doing everything I need to do 

Like walking the dogs and shopping

Having it all done before 10am

Then heading home

And spending the rest of the day there

Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room

I only go from them kitchen to make tea

Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea

And back to my mat 

I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 

I'm spending more and more time alone 

Even speaking less and less

Yesterday we went out for lunch

And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day

But oh my God 

What a palava to get out of the house

It was lashing rain 

And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 

And zone out in front of the TV

But I went 

And tried my best to be sociable

I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 

More like endured it

I had no appetite 

And ate very little

And purged what little I did eat

I was just glad to get home 

Put on my pyjamas 

And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 

I mean

My mood is ok

Things should be ok

But as ever  

I  am creating problems where there are none 

I think they call that the art of over thinking

Every time I leave the house 

I just can't wait to get home

I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs

And it is

But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in

I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people

The Boy

The Plumber

The Shopkeeper

People I used to use with 

It's like being in a real life computer game 

Avoid the gremlins

And I gain more points

It's just a pain in the ass

I want to be able to go wherever

Whenever I want

I don't want my house to become a prison

I want to want to just be a normal

Oh to be normal

And not batshit crazy

However 

I hear that normal is over rated

So maybe I am better off

I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 

So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning

And will also be seeing her next week

As my doctors day is packed with appointments already

I briefly told her about what's going on

How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month

And I don't know if it's going to happen

Because of my disabity being cut

She wrote me a letter 

Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 

So now I have two letters 

So hopefully that will do the trick

I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen

But now I really want to do it

I mean

What else will I be doing?

I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter

And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds

Then at 9 30am

I had an appointment with Breda

My addiction counsellor

After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments

I am now making an effort to keep them

I only see Breda every two weeks

And she is really helpful 

Very practical

And very straight which I appreciate

I td her about struggling to leave my house

And not going to meetings 

I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door

Once I am out the door 

And in my car

I am fine

It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me

Usually the event itself is fine

And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 

She suggested that I make a daily plan

And try and pace myself 

And also go to a meeting as soon as I can

As the longer I leave it

The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do

And how I had two drinks

I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech

And even when it was over

I still wasn't out of the woods

She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 

I told her that everyone else refused to do it

And I wanted to do it for Mum

Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations

And I know that

It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 

It was a positive session

Breda told me that I am doing well

And life is getting better for me

There are just a few tweaks I need to make

She asked me how my eating is going

And I was pleased to report that it is going well

I'm not starving or binging

My weight is stable 

Yes, I purge from time to time

But nothing like the way I used to

Breda told me that I look really well

And I was able to take the compliment and thank her

And things are going well ED wise

My weight fluctuates a lot

But I haven't been underweight in over a year

I think back to that time

And the never ending binging and purging

What a miserable existence

I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out

And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body

But the great thing is

That I don't hate my body the way that I used to

I am a healthy weight for my age and height

I am curvy

I have boobs and a bum

I can now fill out a pair of jeans

And you know what?

I don't mind it

When I'm in the shower 

I notice my thighs

And they are shapely

Like a grown woman is supposed to me

I don't live it

But I don't hate it either 

I am learning to accept it

And go by how I feel

Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore

This blog started out as an ED blog 

And it will always be one to a certain extent 

But now I have so many other things to write about 

Like life 

And everything it throws at me

It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me

In everything I do

It doesn't dominate my life any more

More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 

Amen to that 

So yes

I know what I need to do to get back on track

I will do my best to get to a meeting this week

I will make a daily plan

And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety

I have come too far to turn back now

I know that with a little bit of effort

Life could be so much better 

So much more fulfilling 

I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 

They can also turn around just as quickly

I have the awareness

The knowledge

And the skills and tools to improve myself

I have the ability

I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now

With various different issues

I just want to tell you today to never give up

As long as we are alive

There is hope 

Hope for a better life

For better mental and physical healthy

No matter how low you go

There is always a way back up

I promise you that 

I had written myself off as damaged goods

A failure 

A mistake 

I though I would die young 

Heck, I wanted to die

I couldn't handle life 

Reality

And everything that went with it

I felt so lost 

So alone 

My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going

My ED was killing me slowly

And I welcomed it

But now 

Now things are so much better

My life has taken a complete 180

And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been

My depression lifted

My anxiety lessened

And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt

My quality of life has improve so so much

I think back to a couple of years ago

And I had all but given up

So my message to you today is to keep going

Keep the faith

Keep hoping

And believing

Know that there is a way out

There is life after addiction and mental illness 

And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun

Don't give up

That's exactly what your ED wants you to do

Don't give in to her

Don't forget that you are a good person

You are worthwhile 

You do matter 

You are special 

So please

Today

Go easy on yourself 

Take some time to be kind to you

To be gentle in you

Because you matter 

I promise you that

Reminders

Every time I smell hairspray

It reminds me of my dancing days

And ballet exams

Spraying and lacquering our hair until it was rock hard

Every time I see tinfoil

It reminds me of smoking black tar heroin

Running the lighter under it

Until it melts and bubbles

And the smoke wafts off it

Every time I eat a raspberry 

I am immediately transported back to my childhood

And the raspberry and red berry bush in our back garden

Never ending sunny days

Lying on the lawn 

With the grass tickling our feet

Every time I'm in Dublin

And I smell the hops from the Guinness store house

It reminds me of my using days

Getting off the bus at Heuston station

Walking by the old hospital

All the way down the quays 

Until we reached Thomas Street

Where we scored 

And went and cooked it up in the flats 

Every time I eat a scone

It reminds of when I lived with my ex-boyfriend

When we didn't have a penny

Because it all went on drugs 

And we made crude buns out of flour and water 

Because we had no other food

Every time I smell chlorine

It reminds me of swimming competitions

Of Lining up to race

And the butterflies in my tummy

Every time I see a green jeep

It reminds me of The Boy

Of driving around

Drinking poppy tea

And drifting in and out of reality

Every time I smell vodka

I'm reminded of the first time I got drunk

When me and my best friend raided her Mothers drinks cabinet

I woke up the next morning in a pool of vomit

We were 14

Everytime I wake up in the middle of the night

It reminds me of the days 

When I was sick from drugs

When my whole body ached

And sleep was an impossibility

Every time I hear the Friends theme tune

It reminds me of the late nineties

Watching my favourite show on a Monday night

Then having to wait a whole week for the next one

Every time I bag up my rubbish bin

It reminds me of the times when my boyfriend and I used to bag up heroin to sell

Then ended up taking it all ourselves 

I was always a greedy addict

Every time I hear the Drake song 'Coming home'

It reminds me of my last stint in treatment

When I heard that song

And wished I was home

There are things everywhere that remind me of my past

Some welcome 

Some not so much

It's amazing the way a smell

Or a taste 

Or a feeling 

Can bring me right back to a place in time

Right back to a child

To an addict

To a teenager

All the lives I have lived

It's hard to be reminded

But I welcome it

I don't want to forget where I've come from

What I've been through

It's taken every experience I've ever had

To get me where I am today

I don't resist it 

I welcome it