Last day in Istanbul

Today is our last day in Istanbul

Tomorrow we are flying to Ephesus

Today we are dedicating to shopping 

In the spice market

And the Grand Bizarre 

So that should be interesting

Part of me is sad that out holiday is nearing an end

But another part of me is super excited to go home

Especially to see Honey and Lea

As I have missed them so so much

Here in Istanbul

I've seen very few dogs

And the few I have seen have been panned out on the ground asleep

They don't look very well cared for

They are skinny and malnourished 

On the other hand 

There seems to be an endless amount of cats here

They are everywhere

And people seem to be really nice to the them

They feed them 

And don't shoo them away

They are pretty well looked after 

Yesterday

My sister and I went up to the main shopping street

And I found H&M

And Topshop

I decided I would go in to one rather than both

So I chose H&M

Where there was a sale on

I bought a top

And some lounge-y type pants

I've gone way over my budget

But isn't that what holidays are all about?

Anyway

Here's a few photos....

The scales are following me....

We were in our hotel room the other night

After a long day of walking around the city

Our room is small for three people 

There is a double bed

For my sister and mother

And a kind of loft bed for me

Up a little ladder

Even though the room is small

It is perfectly formed 

And they have made the best use of the space

There is plenty of storage

And that what we were looking at the other night

Opening all of the drawers and cupboards 

Having a good ol' mooch

When my sister shouted 

'Look at this'

She pulled what she had found from the drawer

And set it on the ground

Yes, you've guessed it

The dreaded scales

Cue menacing music

Don don doooooon.....

God dammit

Even on my bloody holidays

I can't get away from the scales

My sister stood on it first

And let out a shriek as she registered the number

I won't tell you what it was

As she might read this

And could possibly kill me

Even though I really wanted to stand on n it too

I resisted 

But just knowing it was there

Was driving me to distraction

I tried to forget about it

I really did 

But after having a shower that night

I pulled the scales out 

Tapped it to set it 

And gingerly stood on it

The flashed

It was in kilos

I registered the number

And stood off

I gave myself a minute to gauge my reaction

Waiting for onslaught of self hatred and misery

I haven't weighed myself in about 6 weeks

The number was high

There was no doubt about that

It was a number a was not comfortable with

But to my surprise

I stayed calm and relaxed

The number didn't effect me in the way that I thought it would

There have been times in the past

When I weighed myself 

And curled up in a ball

Naked

And weeping

There have been times when I saw the number

And literally had a physical reaction to it

But today?

Today I felt

Well

Nothing

This morning 

My mother and I went to the pharmacy

To pick up a couple of things

We were just waiting for the pharmacist 

When out of the corner of my eye

I saw another set of scales 

OMG

They are everywhere!

And they are out to get me!

I ventured closer to it

And wondered if anyone would protest if I stripped there and then

And stood on it 

I figured they would 

So instead

I stood on it fully clothed

Something I hate doing

Again

I registered the number

The same as the scales in our room 

And again

Felt nothing 

This is a new revelation

And one I'm not entirely comfortable with

Because it's different

It's new 

It's change

And as well all know 

ED girls do not do very well with change 

My body image is not great however

Taking photos here has been a bit of an ordeal

Eight out of ten times

I look at a photo 

And absolutely hate it

And take it again

Until I am happy 

Or at least semi happy with it

Take yesterday 

I know I posted quite a few photos

But they were the best of a bad lot

There were so many others taken that I just couldn't beat to post

Because my face looked fat

Or my arms looked fat

Or my toes looked fat

Or something looked fat

There were photos of me with horses

Photos of me beside the pond

Many photos of me with my family 

That I just could not post

Which is sad really

But I think most people want to present the best image of themself to the world

And I am no different 

The ones I posted yesterday

Just barely made it on to my blog

I still can't look at them

I just post them 

And forget about them

Apologies for not replying to comments while I am away

Normal service will resume when I return at the weekend 

Also I need to catch up on your blogs

So I will also do that when I get home

I hope you are all doing ok

I know our community spans the whole of the ED spectrum

Some of us are still struggling

Some of us are embarking on recovery

Some of us are somewhere in between 

Some of us are anorexic

Bulimic 

EDNOS

Or a mixture of all three

We are all struggling one way or another 

All fighting for a better life

For a brighter future

And we will get there

I have so much faith in every one you

I truly do

So please 

Today be kind to you

Be gentle to you

Because you are an important and valuable person 

To your family 

Your friends 

Your blogger family here

To us and them

You are precious

Don't ever forget that 

Sights and sounds of Turkey...

My oh my, we have been busy little bees today

We got an early start

And were out of the hotel

Washed, dressed and fed

Before 9am

We got the Tunel Funicular to the Kurokoy tram stop

And from there to Sultanahmet 

First stop was Topkapi Palace

Which was the former home of the sultans

Where we queued for an hour

But we did get to see an 86 carat diamond at the end of it

Was it worth the wait?

Mmmmm not quite sure

Next stop

Hagia Sophia

Which is one of the worlds greatest architectural monuments 

We wandered around for quite a while in there

It was so nice to go inside 

And feel the cool breeze

As the day was so very hot

We then went to the Basilica Cistern

Which is a vast underground water system

Built by the Romans in 532

It was really impressive

Below ground 

And held up by 336 columns

It was so dark

The only light from a few lamps

Lighting up the water

And the huge fish in there

Anyway 

Enough with the words

And on to the photos....

Day Off

I'm taking a day off today

As in not venturing out in to the city 

And retiring to the hotels roof top terrace 

To read and catch up on sleep

And generally do very little

The past few days have been so busy

I just need a day to catch up on myself

So I will be refreshed for the rest of the holiday 

I told my family they I was taking a day off

They expressed concern

That I would overtake my meds

And possibly OD

My sister actually used the word overdose

They said it was not like being at home

They it would be a huge deal if I got ill here

Or something happened with my meds 

There have been days when I took no meds this week

In an effort to stay awake 

And keep up with my family

So today I have more meds left than I need

This morning I decided to take one days methadone as normal

And two days tablets 

Not too much

But just enough to make me slightly sleepy

I know what you are thinking

I am in one of the most exciting cities in the world 

I shouldn't want to miss a thing

But I think it's fair enough to give myself one day off 

Isn't it?

Another thing about Turkey

Everybody smokes 

And I mean everybody 

Old 

Young 

Men 

Women

All religions 

All nationalities 

Even children 

I swear I saw a group of eight or nine year old kids all with cigarettes in their hands

Puffing away 

So I'm guessing that cigarettes are very cheap here

And also it just seems to be part of the culture

It's just what people do

It's the done thing 

But honestly

I haven't had a smoke craving yet

Like the ones I've had here 

I've literally been gasping for a cigarette

Even dreaming about the damn things

It just looks so relaxing

Having a smoke with a tea or coffee

Having one after a meal 

With a drink at night 

It just looks so tempting

But so far

I have resisted 

It seems that my second year smoke free is proving more difficult than the first

I guess during the first year

I was full of motivation and gusto

And now 

Well it's just becoming like hard work

Anyway 

The cravings go as quickly as they come 

I just need to ride it out

As I said in previous posts

The poverty of this country is very in your face

I went out for five minutes this morning

And was accosted no less than four times in those few minutes

Twice by children

And twice by girls

My sister and I were sitting having a quick coffee 

They come straight up to you with their hands out 

Literally begging

It's really difficult

Because part of you wants to give them something to help

But another part of you knows that If you do give them something 

They will see begging as a source of income 

And continue to do it

As wel as using their children

Which is blatant exploitation

I know when I was living in Dublin

There were a lot of homeless people on the streets

I knew if I gave money 

The majority would use it on drugs no or drugs 

So I used to give them food

At least then you know what you are giving 

Both parties win

I love being in a city

I love the hustle and bustle

The constant noise

And this city doesn't seem to sleep at all 

I live in the country

So this is a complete change of pace for me

But I love the extremes 

The silence to the noise 

It reminds me that there is a whole world beyond my four walls

A whole host of countries and cities who are as different as they are similar 

It also reminds me that I am but a mere speck on the canvas they is this earth

This life

I am not that important 

I'm just another person

Another body 

Trying to figure out this thing we call life 

And it reminds me that I am very lucky

To live in a county where men and women are treated equally

Most of the time 

A country where I can get a good education for next to nothing 

Where I can be free to be me 

Whoever that is

Gay 

Straight

Bisexual

Trans 

I have the freedom to do and say what I like 

When I like 

Where I have the comfort of being part of the middle class

Most of my problems are first world ones

And ones that can be solved 

I know I am blessed

In so many ways

Turkey Update

It's Friday today

And our holiday is in full swing

As a dyed in the wool shopaholic

I quickly located the main shopping street 

And zoned in on the New Balance trainer shop 

Where I promptly bought a pair of navy and pink ones

It was hard to know what size to buy

As my feet have swollen in the heat 

But I think I bought the right size

Anyway

I'm happy with my purchase 

And that my friends 

Is about all that my budget will stretch to

I need to keep my budget for essentials like food and water

Today we got up early 

Had breakfast on the terrace

And my Mother and sister and I decided to take the ferry to Princes Island 

To hit the beach for some sun

As today was promised to be a scorcher 

The ferry trip was about an hour long

However the minute my Mum felt the roll of the boat in the water

She decided against going

So she headed back to the hotel 

My sister and I had a lovely boat ride

We sat on the side

With our legs dangling above the water 

And drank freshly squeezed orange juice

We arrived on the island at about 11am

Where we quickly located the nearest beach 

Two sun loungers 

And an umbrella 

I parked myself there with my book and my drink of lemonade

Happy as a pig in.....

My sister went in swimming 

I just paddled as I feel the cold too much in water 

It was a lovely day 

And as it started to get really crowded and hot

We decided to head back 

We arrived back at our port at about 4pm

And started making our way back to the hotel

We were walking up one of the many hills

When a man walked by with a shoe shine kit

As he passed me 

One if his brushes fell out and on to the ground 

I did what anyone would have done

And picked it up

As the man didn't seem to notice it had fallen 

I called his attention

He turned around 

And when he saw I had the brush

He put his hand to his heart and bowed in gratitude

Then he shook mine and my sisters hand

And asked is where we were from

We told him

Then he wanted to know if we were lost

We said we weren't

That we were heading back to our hotel

It was at this point that we looked at each other

And started to feel a little uneasy

He persisted asking us 

And then looked at my sisters trainers mans said he would clean them 

He told us to follow him

And he walked on ahead of us 

We followed but crossed the road when we could 

Again he followed us 

And would not listen when we refused his offers 

We practically had to shout at him to get him to listen

Eventually we got away from him

And thinking about it

He probably dropped the brush on purpose 

In order to engage us

But it's just that they can be so persistent 

That it's really uncomfortable

There is an awful lot of poverty here

And I gues people do what they have to do to make a buck

I suppose they think that because we are tourists 

That we have a lot of money to spare 

And maybe some people do

But I sure don't 

The poverty is very much in your face here 

Walking around the city last night

There were whole families who had set up camp at the side of the street

I mean little children and babies

It's really heart breaking 

My mother was especially upset by this

And was giving the families money

But then it's hard to know if that is the right thing to do

And then there is the question if these people are exploiting their children to pull on our heart strings 

It seems to be a city divided in to the very rich

And the very poor 

Everywhere you turn 

There are people trying to sell you anything from bottles of water to packets of tissues

I guess they have to make money some how 

In other news 

I am managing my meds a lot better

And taking my methadone during the day 

And tablets at night

That seems to be working 

So we'll go with that

Just heading out for dinner now 

Happy Friday to you all

And see you on the next post....

Eat, drink and be merry...

Our holiday thus far

Has been interesting to say the least 

Today we went to the spice market

An amazing warren of different streets and alleys

Selling everything you can think 

It was really an onslaught of the sense 

The smell of the spices

The colours

The noise of people and music

The sheer hustle and bustle was enormous 

To get to the spice market

We walked over  the Galatar bridge 

There were fisher men all standing in a row with their rods

I was attracted to one 

Who had live fish in a bucket of water

Of course neither of us spoke one another's language

But from his body language

I'm guessing he wanted me to try fishing

I shook my head no

But asked if I could throw the live fish back in to the river 

He laughed

And told his friend 

His friend called me over 

He pointed at his bucket 

Which had a few small fish

And one big one 

Before I knew what was happening 

He picked up the big fish and handed it to me

I didn't know what to do

So I just grabbed it 

And threw it over the bridge

And it landed in the water with a plop

The fisherman and my family thought this was hilarious

Next we soaked up the atmosphere outside the market

And headed for one of the many mosques 

The photos below with the scarves 

Are us going inside

They ask you to cover your shoulders, head and legs

It was really beautiful there

After that 

I wanted to but my Dad a wallet 

And my sister and Mum also wanted to buy one

We approached one man selling them

He showed us a huge variety of wallets 

And told us he would give us a discount for three

We tried to haggle

But he was having none of it

Oh well 

At least we tried 

We then went for a drink of lemonade at a little cafe

Mum wanted a piece of fruit

And asked for a banana 

The man didn't know what she as saying 

And called another man over 

Next thing there were about five men all around her

Trying to figure out what she meant

Eventually Mum got through to them 

Then we saw one of the men going to the market to buy a bunch of bananas

He came back 

And presented Mum with her banana very proudly

We were all in stitches by this point

It's great here 

The people are friendly

The food is good 

It is nicely warm 

Not too much so

Now we are heading out for dinner

So I will see you on the next post..

..