Preventing Relapse

Given everything that is happening

Being on holidays

Coming back from holidays

Being sick

And having Turkey Tummy as the lovely CP called it

And having the stress of my driving test tomorrow

I know I need to be careful

I haven't weighed myself 

But I know that I've lost weight 

I can feel it

It's no surprise really

The food really didn't agree with me

I had bouts of diarrhoea and constipation

Although I think constipation is by far the worse of the two

And because I didn't much like the food in Turkey 

I've kind of lost the taste for food

Even my precious white chocolate and salt and vinegar crisps haven't been touched since I got home

I've just been nibbling toast here and there

I know that this is a dangerous time

I acknowledge that

Now it's up to me not to let this setback turn in to a slip or a relapse

It's hard though 

Part of me would love to go running in to the arms of my ED

To just say f**k it

And throw myself head first down the rabbit hole

But I won't 

I can't 

I've come too far to throw it all away now

I mean

I'm in no danger of falling in to the underweight category just yet

It's more the behaviours

And the thinking at the moment  

Exit: I just bought a battery for my scale 

And weighed myself 

I've lost about 7 pounds

Just over three kilos

More than I had thought

But I am still very much in the healthy category

So I'm not going to worry just yet

I'm pretty sure that my weight hasn't settled at my set point yet

I'm also pretty sure that I have overshot my set point 

Which is pretty common I know

So I would actually like to settle some where a little less than I am now

But of course 

We all know

Where EDs and weight loss are concerned 

Sometimes it takes on a life of its own

And it feels like we are on a runaway train

With no way off

Anyway

Enough with what could happen

Let's talk about what is happening

Today is Monday of course

That is doctor day for me

He was surprisingly on time this morning

The first thing he said to me was

'So you weren't whisked away by a swarthy Arab?'

I said there was no fear of that

He said that he doesn't give advice 

But he does tell girls not to marry Muslims

I told him in fact they my auntie B had married a Muslim

Albeit a non practising one 

Who is one of the nicest men you could meet

He asked about my holiday

I told him some stories 

He told me they he is going to Poland tomorrow 

To visit his son

Who is studying medecine there

He also said he would start reducing the methadone when he got back

Ahem

No comment...

As I mentioned earlier 

I have my driving test tomorrow

Some how

I have managed to get to the grand ol' age of 34 without doing it before now

But it has finally caught up with me 

And tomorrow is the day

Today I have a two hour driving lesson

To cram in everything I need to know  before tomorrow

I'm not getting my hopes up

But I will do my best 

That's all I can do

I know I need to mind myself at the moment

I know that a relapse can creep up on you 

And then slam you between the eyes before you know what is happening

I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing to weigh at the moment

I guess it's good to keep an eye on it

Without getting too engrossed with it 

I mean 

I'm sure I could be questioned as to whether I really am in recovery or not

I still purge 

Not very often 

But about 3-5 times a week

Not everyday 

But almost 

I'm not quite sure what that means

All I know 

Is that this is as good as it gets for me right now 

I am as free from my ED than I have ever been 

And with recovery and life

Comes complications 

Life is not a straight forward thing

There are many bends and bumps in the road 

Sometimes we even go backwards 

But the important thing is to keep going

To keep trying 

And fighting

To keep hoping 

And believing 

That there is a better life for us

God knows 

I know that when you are in the eye of the storm of an ED

Recovery seems nigh on impossible 

And it also seems to be something that happens to other people 

We might all have similar EDs

But each of us are unique 

And will recover in a way that might be different to someone else

I've been in treatment for my ED about five times 

And never once did I even complete the programme

Nevermind recover

I can remember being there 

And all my energy went in to resisting treatment 

And in fact 

I actually lost weight while there

How I managed to do that I do not know

But after five failed admissions

I've learned that recovering in that type of setting 

Just does not work for me 

Being surrounded by other sick and underweight people

For me 

Is not conducive to making positive changes 

I compare myself 

I let myself compete with these girls 

To be the thinnest and the sickest

It became a game 

Where the winner is the one closest to death

As we all know

Treating EDs is a tricky business

I would say doctors hate to see the likes of us coming 

They are just so complex

It takes much time

And energy

And endless support 

To help someone who is completely immersed in their ED

To even considering changing their thinking and behaviours

And to get them to gain weight?

Well that is the biggest challenge 

We may want to recover

But we may want to stay at a low body weight

And as we know 

That just doesn't work 

You can't have one without the other 

For me 

Recovery from home worked a lot better than a stint in treatment 

And as I often say

Sometimes it feels like it happened in spite of myself 

When I was very sick

One of the things that scared me the most was gaining weight

The only thing worse than being depressed and under weight

Was being depressed and of a healthy weight

Or worse again

Depressed and over weight

What I didn't bank on 

Was that as I gained weight 

My mood and my thinking began to shift 

I started to see the benefits of weight regain 

Of feeding my body

Of looking after myself 

And with this 

Other things began to change 

I stopped caring so much what the scale said 

What clothes size I was 

Numbers began to mean less and less

My confidence improved markedly 

I felt more comfortable in my own skin 

Soon the benefits of recovery 

Outweighed any benefits my ED had

Because my ED served a purpose at the time

I had to find other healthier ways to meet those needs 

That is a process of trial and error

But we each find what works for us

It's different for everyone 

I guess what I'm trying to say is 

That I know recovery can seem like a million miles away 

So completely out of reach 

But I think in fact it is closer than we think

I firmly believe that recovery is possible for each of us

No matter how complicated or serious the condition

It is possible to have a life beyond ED

The thing is that we have to do it ourselves 

No one can do it for us

No matter how much they love us

Or want to do it for us 

It has to come from the person 

You can love them

And support them 

To a point 

But change must come from a persons own motivation

I know at the beginning of my recovery from addiction

I did it for my family more than myself 

But that only got me so far

And over time

I had to start to do it for myself

Or else it just wouldn't work

I guess it could be argued 

That I am in fact not in recovery

I still abuse my meds

I don't go to meetings 

But as with my ED

This is as good as it gets for me at the moment

I function as best as I can

And most of the time 

I am well and free and content

I acknowledge that things could be a lot better

If I just put a little bit of effort in 

But I am not ready to make further changes yet 

In time 

I hope I will 

But for now

This is the way things are

So today 

This post is for you 

If you are struggling 

If your ED or addiction is getting the better of you

If you are underweight

Overweight 

Or somewhere in between 

If you can't even entertain the idea of recovery 

If it seems so far away that you can't even see it

This post is for you 

If you are depressed 

Anxious 

Afraid 

Paralysed with fear

If you want to check off this planet

If you can't stand the noise in your own head

If you can't see beyond the darkness of your own mind 

If you woke this morning 

And wished that you hadn't 

If you have slipped 

Or relapsed 

This is for you

If you are struggling with another mental illness 

If you are cross addicted 

If you are suicidal

If you don't even know what is wrong with you 

If you are alone 

Lonely

If you have no one to share your burden with

If you don't have the support you need 

If you are silently suffering 

Afraid to even utter what ails you

This is for you

If you take one thing from this post 

Then please take a little bit of hope 

I am a former heroin addict

Who suffers from anorexia/bulimia

I have battled depression and anxiety 

And suicidal ideation 

But I stand here before you today

Strong 

Able

Capable 

Positive 

I fought my way here

The odds were stacked against me

I didn't think that I would make it out alive 

Didn't think I'd see thirty

But the will to survive is a strong one

The will to live also 

And now I'm so glad that I did survive 

And am here to tell my story 

And hopefully help others 

I know that is my purpose now

Some people go to university to study

And become an expert in that field 

The only subject I know a lot about is eating disorders and addiction

I know them intimately 

And I know I have been spared in order to help others 

I wish I could give a little piece of what I feel to you all

But we all have to follow our own path 

My path is still continuing 

My recovery goes on

My life goes on

I am alive 

And free

And happy 

And I am eternally grateful for that  

It's good to be home

So so good

After a marathon of a journey

To finally walkin the door of my house

Oh the relief just to be back in my comfort zone

Honey and Lea gave us a great welcome

And they are in great form

They had a lovely time with their Grandad who minded them while we were away

When the get I get home from holida

I can't relax until my case is in packed 

And my laundry and clothes sorted

So that was the first thing I did

I was amazed at the amount of clothes o brought

And didn't wear

But isn't that always the way

The bus journey home yesterday was a bit of a nightmare

About half way home

I began to get a horrible cramp in the bottom of my stomach

At first I thought I was going on to withdrawal

But then I recognised it as needed to go to the bathroom

Thankfully the bus had a five minute stop half way

So I ran to the bathroom 

And had a really bad bout of diarrhoea 

I mean really bad 

The worst I think I've ever had 

Then 

Horror of all horrors

There was no toilet paper

I searched my bag 

And found the closet thing was a sanitary towel

So I had to use that

Mortifying

The bus set off again

And I didn't have any more occurrences 

My tummy has been a bit off all my holiday though

I went from being constipated to having severe diarrhoea 

Partly because of the food

Which didn't really agree with me

It was hit and miss for me

Some of the food I liked

And some was just horrible

And it's much different to western food 

So our systems just aren't used to it

The day we travelled home 

I wore the jeans that I had worn travelling to Turkey

And hadn't worn them all holiday

They were noticeably looser

In fact they were falling off me 

It makes sense really that I would lose weight

Given I wasn't eating properly

I went to weigh myself at home

But the battery in my scale is gone

But I know I have lost 

And it's actually massively triggering

The feeling of an empty stomach 

My clothes looser

And generally feeling smaller in myself 

I don't think it's any harm though

I'm not deliberately tying to lose weight

And my weight does fluctuate a lot

I won't worry about it

But I will keep an eye on it

As I don't want to go down that road again

I am so very tired today

I walked the dogs this morning 

And literally had to drag myself down the road 

My body feels so heavy 

Like I've been beaten up

I have today to rest 

And tomorrow it's back to the doctor 

Them I have a driving lesson tomorrow

As I have my driving test in Tuesday 

Which I am dreading 

And so unprepared for

But I will do it

And see how I get on

Ok

I really need to go sleep now

Do I shall see you on the next post....

Home again, home again jiggidy jig!

That title is a little reference to my mum

Any time we arrived home she always said this

And it had stuck through the generations

Random piece of information

As I type this 

I am sitting in Dublin airport

Waiting for my luggage

After a marathon journey so far

We still have three hours on a bus to look forward to

But I'm not complaining

I'm just glad to be on home turf 

I left myself in a bit of a pickle regarding my meds this week

I took another day off on Thursday

As I hadn't been well

A mixture of food not agreeing with me and dehydration I think

So I retired to the roof terrace of the hotel

And finished my book

I also went a bit over board on my meds

Leaving myself with no tablets

And less than two days methadone for the next 48hours

It always seems like such a good idea at the time

But I never fail to regret 

You would think I would learn.....

Anyway

Yesterday our bus to Izmir wasn't until 6pm

So we did some last minute sightseeing during the day 

Booked a late check out

And basically hung out in the hotel most of the day

My sister and I were so bored 

That I did her makeup for the trip

Complete with fire engine red lipstick

We also filled out the guest satisfaction form

And added illustrations for effect

I spent much of the day with the new born kittens in a cardboard box at the front of the hotel

Two tiny white ones

Their eyes not open yet

Only a few days old

And an older black kitten whose mother had abandoned it

That the newborns mother adopted

So I was out there yesterday with them

And the mother was no where to be seen

The babies were crying so hard for her

To the point that I was getting upset

I asked the hotel owner what we could do

And he said that his sister comes to feed them twice a day

And as luck would have it

She arrived there and then

And fed them with a tiny syringe

I felt a little better after that

And we jumped in to a taxi to Selcuk train station

And on to Izmir airport

The train came on time

But man alive getting on the train was an ordeal

Obviously 

It was the end of our holiday

And our bags were just that bit bigger and heavier than the way there

I scrambled to get on the train

Along with about 500 hundred other people 

I threw my case on first

And was in such a flurry

I missed the first step

And my leg went under the train

I panicked 

And called for my brother

He turned around and pulled my bag 

And me on to the train

Bad start to the journey

We arrived in Izmir an hour later for our flight to Istanbul

We had just checked in 

And were going to go through security

When it all kicked off

First I could hear a man raise his voice

It got louder and louder

All in Turkish

Suddenly he was shouting and gesticulating 

And getting extremely angry

The girl he was shouting at also raised her voice

And they were having a full scale argument

The man was then led away by security

It really unnerved me 

Suddenly

I became supper self conscious about myself 

And the meds in my bag

My letter from my doctor was in my check in bag

And inside I began to panic 

By now I was down to one days methadone 

Tablets long gone

I worried that if it was taken off me 

I would be up shit creek

Thankfully security went smoothly

My methadone safe in my bag

My next worry was when should I take it

I didn't want to take it to early 

Incase the plane was delayed or something happened

But I also could feel myself going in to withdrawal

So at 8pm

I took it

All I could do now was hope for the best

We arrived in Istanbul airport at about 11pm

Our flight to Dublin wasn't until 7 30am

So we had a long night in the terminal 

I managed to sleep though 

So it wasn't too bad 

Thank you God, Budda, Alla

Who ever it was

For giving us a safe and straightforward flight home

It couldn't have gone smoother 

And when we touched down in Dublin

I wanted to kiss the ground

Edit: Now waiting for bus home

We went through Dublin airport

On the way to collect our bags

We had to show our passports at customs

I was half asleep

And rooted in my bag for said passport

I pulled out what I thought was it

And got a hop when I looked at it 

And saw it was in fact a bright blue sanitary towel

Way to go Ruby!

I giggled nervously 

And quickly took it back 

All part of the fun of travelling

I can't tell you how good it is to be back

And to get home?

To see Honey and Lea?

I just know they are going to have kittens when they see us

I've missed them so much

So I'm off to get my bus home 

I'll leave you with some photos of the kitty cats from our hotel

See you next time.....

Heading Home

Today is the very last day of our holiday

We fly back to Istanbul tonight

Then on to Dublin after an eight hour stopover 

Then arriving home tomorrow afternoon

And you know what?

I am ready to go home

And have been for a few days

I was chatting with my mother last night

And she said that she didn't think I enjoyed the holiday

I didn't know what to say 

As I have and I haven't 

I have to admit

This would not have been my first choice of holiday

In fact

I don't even know what sort of holiday I would like

As I've always just gone along with others holidays 

I've never organised a holiday myself

I know I like the sun 

Not too hot

But warmer than my own countries climate

Enough to get a tan

I know I like to read when I'm away

I like to eat nice food 

I like to go on tours

I like to go shopping

I like to talk to people

Where?

I'd love to travel more around the U.S.

I'd love to go to Rhodes

Japan 

Asia 

So we have agreed that the next holiday that we go on

I will organise 

I just can't wait to get home 

To see Honey and Lea

To have a decent cup of tea

Have some home cooked food

Sleep in my own bed 

I think one of the best things about going away 

Is coming home

Back to our creature comforts

I'm definitely more of a home bird I think

I like routine 

Having said all that 

I did love Istanbul

The people are amazing 

Most of whom are so friendly and hospitable 

Of course 

Like any group of people 

There are a small minority that try to scam you you and hoodwink you

But you get that anywhere in the world

I loved hearing to the call to prayer every day

Seeing other cultures

Talking to the local people 

Having the 'craic' as we say at home

The people really made the holiday for me

The man who gave me a live fish to throw back in to the river

The man in the Grand bizarre who randomly said to me

'Experience comes after the first mistake' 

The young guy in our hotel who loved to practise his English on us

The many waiters we met who always had a joke and a laugh with us

Watching the Muslim women dressed from head to toe in black

So all you could see was there eyes

Which were always so beautiful 

Carrying their designer handbags

I read that these women can take off their garb when the are with other women 

Or with their husband

And the women are pretty competitive when it comes to what they wear under their layers of black

And of course

You can't miss the obvious poverty here

The families 

And children on the street

In rags 

Literally nothing to their name

It can be very upsetting 

Am just heading out now

For one last look around the town

I really hope you got just a little taste of Turkey from these posts

See you when I'm back on home turf....

 

The Big C

No 

I am not talking about cancer

Thank God for that 

But I am talking about another C

That C being constipation

I was supposed to go to Ephuses today with my Mum and sister

Up until beakfast I was going

But then

I found myself in the bathroom

So backed up and uncomfortable

That I couldn't bear going on a guided tour 

Where there may be no toilets 

Or worse

There might be a hole in the ground toilet

Being bulimic

Or at least trying to recover from bulimia

I pay close attention to toilets and flushes 

Especially when out and about

Or in a restaurant or cafe

It can be quite the tricky operation trying to purge in public bathrooms 

Although here 

In fairness 

I have been very lucky with toilets

And have had no major problems

Anyway 

I elected to stay in the hotel for the day

And was looking forward to having done time to myself

And finishing my book

I spent the day between my bed

Where I slept for two hours 

And the roof terrace 

Where I caught some last minute sun

One of the young lads they work here

Came up and asked me if I wanted a drink

And a few minutes later he came up with a tall, cool glass of lemonade

It was most welcome

Our hotel here is lovely

Our room is small but comfortable mans perfectly formed 

Food here is hit and miss for me

Some things I have liked

Some I haven't 

And I am missing home cooking 

You kind of get sick of eating out all the time

And ham!

OMfreakin'G I miss ham so much 

I can't wait to have a ham salad sandwich when I get home

The other day 

I was backed up again with the C word

My sister suggested that I drink a strong coffee to get things moving 

So we headed to the nearest cafe

Where my sister ordered me an espresso

As you know

I am a confirmed tea drinker

And actually hate coffee

But if it did the trick

I was willing to try it

I knocked back the coffee

Then had half of my sisters Americano

It was horrible

Like drinking neat alcohol

But I hoped it would help

An hour later we were heading out for dinner

And settled on a Thai place around the corner from our hotel 

I was hungry 

And really looking forward to something tasty

I ordered the beef salad

And when it came it looked delicious

But when I had a few mouthfuls 

I could feel my stomach churning and gurgling 

I continued to eat 

And even tasted some of my sisters curry

But then

I had to stop

It was coming 

I could feel it 

I was going to throw up

I quietly excused myself 

Threw on my jacket

And ran in the pouring rain

All the way to my hotel 

Just in the nick of time

I made it to the bathroom 

The mixture of the coffee and the food had not been a good combination

I feel so much better after I got sick though 

And the coffee even helped with the constipation

I hope I am not sharing too much here

But I know that bodily functions are hot topics in the ED world

I know when I was in treatment 

We were constantly talking about bowel movements and the like

Because when you are messing with your food and your body

All these functions are sent in to disarray

The best advice I ever got for helping yourself go

Is to raise your legs a little

Like put your feet on a bin

It kind of helps angle your body for easier well...... You know what I mean

It just helps things flow easier

Oh my goodness I am so sorry if this is too much information

But that little tip might help someone out there

The other day when I posted some photos

I forgot to point out something about the 'cat man'

He actually had a set of weighing scales in front of him 

And was inviting people to weigh themselves

Holy shit

That is my worst nightmare come true 

Weighing myself in a public place

So I gave him some money 

But politely declined his offer to weigh go

See if you can spot the scales....

Izmir

Before I forget

I want to apologise for not replying to comments or reading your blogs while I've been away

I don't always have wifi

So I blog when I can

And don't get a chance to do much else

Anyway

Today was an early start

Especially for me

As I didn't sleep well at all last night

At 1am

When I still couldn't sleep

I took a days meds

That did the trick

And I did fall asleep

But it has left me one days meds short now

So I really need to ration what I have left

I have under two days meds for three days

If I though about that too much

I would worry and stress and fret

And wouldn't enjoy the rest of my holiday

So I am going to forget all about it

So 

This morning we woke early

And got up at 6 30am

We stumbled around our room

Trying to wash 

Dress 

And pack

We had breakfast in the kitchen instead of the roof terrace

As it was a bad day

There are two little women in the kitchen

Who make all kinds of beakfast

Every morning I've been having toast and a boiled egg

But this morning I had an omelette

Just with salt and pepper

Delicious

Having breakfast is quite the revelation for me

At home 

I don't usually have any thing

And if I do it's something silly

Like three biscuits

But here I've been eating a substantial breakfast 

And keeping it down 

That keeps me going until lunch time 

When I might have cheese on toast

And again

No purging

However I have been purging my main meal

But the thing is

I don't always feel like purging

It's more out of habit than anything else 

Anyway 

The two little women in the kitchen help us with our breakfast 

And usually we then go to the roof terrace

Where there are another two women 

Who make tea or coffee 

But as I said 

This morning we ate in the kitchen

We tipped both the kitchen and house keeping staff

As they have been great

Every day when we head out

The staff clean our room

Leave fresh towels and toiletries 

Clean bed linen 

Even folding our pyjamas 

So they really earned their tip

Packing this morning was funny

In a kind of I want to pull out my hair funny

As usual 

We all brought far too many clothes with us

And bought so much stuff

Trying to fit it all in to our suitcases was a military operation

But 

After much struggle 

And with the air blue from cursing

We got them closed

And we hauled them down to reception

We thanked all the staff

And called a taxi

And off we went on the next leg of our trip

We arrived at the airport in good time for our 11am flight

We checked in 

Made our way through security

The plane was delayed so with the hour in the air and another hour waiting

We arrived in Izmir at about 1pm

Next we had to find a train to take us to the town we were staying called Selcuk

That was a palava

We found information 

And the metro stop

Saw there was a train going at 2 pm

Went to buy a ticket

But were told we had to buy it at a different booth

Where there was no one

We asked again 

And they said someone would be along shortly 

50 minutes we waited

I shit you not

We almost missed our train 

And I almost lost the will to live

So that was fine 

We had our tickets 

We were on time for the train

Which came a short time later 

We each had a huge case 

And loading them off and on transport was not fun at all

But we did it 

And made it to Selcuk in one piece

From there we got a taxi to the hotel

What a relief to finally drop our bags and sit down 

Oh the comfort and the luxury of it all after a long journey

So it is from my hotel bed in my complimentary slippers that I write this post

In starting to flag now

And am kind of ready to go home 

To see my dogs

To have a proper ham sandwich 

And sleeping in my own lovely bed

Here are a few photos....

The art of haggling and other stories....

As today is our last day in Istanbul

We devoted most of the day to shopping

Buying gifts and keepsakes for ourselves

First we headed to the spice market

Where we loaded up on different spices

We went to stall 51

Where Rick Stein went making his most recent cookery and travel show

For anyone that doesn't know

He is an English chef

Who made a show recently 

About cooking from Greece to Istanbul

Anyway

After taking many photos

See below

We braved the Grand Bizarre 

Which is the largest indoor market in the world

With 4000 shops

It employs 30,000 people

Thankfully it wasn't too busy today

We stocked up on gifts for family and friends

As well as a couple of things for ourselves

I bought Turkish slippers 

And a Turkish bathrobe

All for very little 

It was an amazing experience

Everywhere you go 

People are shouting at you

Asking where you are from

And do you want to buy what ever they are selling

As they will give you 'special price'

For 'special lady'

If you showed the slightest bit of interest in their wares

They literally pounce on you!

We had a very interesting experience in one of the many scarf shops

It was the first shop that we showed interest in 

There were two guys working there

I touched one of the scarves 

And he went in for the kill

He brought me in to the shop

Draped the scarf beautifully around me

I asked how much

He said 110 Turkish Lira

As I began to leave the shop

He knocked it down to 90

Then 80

I refused and said we would be back

And as we walked away

One of the guys followed us

And dropped his price to 70

At the end of the day we did go back

The same two guys gave us a great welcome

Brought us in to the shop

I wanted to buy one

Mum wanted to buy a couple 

And my brothers partner also wanted a couple

The two guys sat us down 

And displayed beautiful scarf after beautiful scarf

The guy dealing with us had quite good English

So we spoke in Irish amongst ourselves 

Which became very confusing indeed

Suddenly 

The guy asked us if we wanted apple tea

We said yes

He rang someone on his phone

Two minutes later someone arrived with a little wooden table

And erected it in the middle of the shop

Following that

A tray with six Apple teas

I swear it felt like we were in that shop forever

He said he would give us the four scarves for 270TL

So we agreed to that 

He packed them for us 

And we headed out

But just as we were leaving 

He called my mother back

And offered her one more scarf for 40 TL

So in all

We ended up with five scarves for 310 TL

And given they were cashmere

It was a bargain

Below are photos of the day

Hope you enjoy 

And you get to experience a little bit of Turkey...