Another year over.....

🎉We rang in the new year last night at home

There were 8 of us

We players board games 

And drank fizzy drinks out of champagne flutes 

When the clock striked 12

We all piled over to my neighbours house to wish her a happy new year

She said it had made her night 

I got to bed around 2am

And found it really hard to wake up this morning

I dragged my weary self out of bed

Made a cup of tea

And promptly fell back to sleep again on the couch 

I woke an hour later 

Still feeling extremely tired

But I put my coat and hat on

And headed out with Honey and Lea

I had been walking for about 5 minutes 

When I began feeling a little strange 

Like all blood had drained from my face

And I was going to throw up

I turned back straight away 

As I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or not 

It took me forever to make it home 

Takings breaks

Stopping and starting 

But everything was difficult 

I couldn't get my breath 

My body felt like it was fighting against me

I arrived home finally 

My mother knew straight away something was wrong 

When I walked in and collapsed in to a chair 

I told her what had happened

She asked if I had pain

I didn't 

She made me tea and toast

And I took a hot water bottle in to the living room

Where I write this 

I have to admit 

I am worried 

That this is happening again

That my body is fighting against itself

Even if it's not quite pancreatitis 

It's still a sign that all is not well with my health  

Nothing about this is good

I'm going to leave it at that for now

I'm going to rest 

And try and take care of myself 

Until tomorrow....,

New Years Eve

I just wanted to take the opportunity to wish all my readers, commenters and friends a very happy new year

It's hard to believe that another year has passed

And 2016 is just around the corner

I sincerely hope that he coming year is a good one

I guess it's down to me to make that happen

2015 started well

I was in a good place

Mood was good

Weight was stable 

Purging was at a minimum 

But the past couple of months have been tough

And I'm struggling to bounce back after my second bout of pancreatitis 

However 

I am fighting hard to get on top of this slip 

Before it turns in to a complete relapse 

Purging is a problem again 

And am purging up to five times a day 

I know 

This is not good 

For my physical health

My mental health 

It's a merry-go-round that's nigh on impossible to get off 

I don't want to stArt off the new year on a bad foot 

So happy new year to you

Where ever you may be

Who ever you are 

Thank you for reading this year

For commenting

Texting 

Emailing 

For supporting me 

For being there

For being honest with me even when it's hard to hear

Thank you for never judging me

For being a friend 

For catching me when I fell

For helping me put myself back together after I fell apart

For cheering me on through the good times

And never turning your back on me through the tough times 

Your words 

Your thoughts and wishes mean more to me than you will ever know 

I'm so grateful for this community 

Dwindling as it may be

It's a life line 

It's having human contact when real life doesn't provide it

I hope that the coming year is a good one for you

I hope all your hopes and dreams come true 

That tou meet all your goals and aspirations 

I hope the year is full of laughter and love

That it's the best year yet

Because you deserve it

We deserve it

God knows we have suffered enough 

If you make one promise this new year

Promise to be kinder to yourself

We are our own worst critic

Our very own bully 

We are so very hard on ourselves

And that has to stop

We need to look after ourselves

Because if we don't 

Who will?

The next time you go to best yourself up

Or tear yourself down

Stop

Think

Would you say this to a friend?

To a loved one?

I'm willing to bet not 

So why do we do it to ourselves?

Please 

Just be a bit nicer to you

You will feel the benefits 

I promise you

Happy new year

To you and yours 

Let's hope it's a good one....

2015

As is usual at this time of the year

I've been looking back over 2015

The ups and downs

The highs and lows 

It's been an eventful year to say the least 

It's started out with poor little Honey having an operation to remove her eye

After a rather nasty infection killed the sight in it

The poor thing was in a lot of pain

And every time we went to my vet

We came away with no answers

So we decided to go to my Dads vet

Who operated immediately after seeing her eye 

I can remember being so worried

That she wouldn't recover

That something would go wrong

She came home the next day 

And was incredibly groggy for a day or two

But after that 

She made a remarkable recovery

And was back to her cheeky self in no time

The only thing that is different is that she doesn't always come for walks now

But that's ok

That's her perogative 

When Lea and I go out

Honey waits at the side of the house for us to come back 

And gets so excited when she sees us coming 

But still

It would take a lot more than a missing eye to stop Honey

I don't even want to mention what happened next 

You know what I mean 

The Boy 

I had temporary lapse in judgement early last year 

When I began meeting The Boy

And soon found myself smack bang in the middle of a relapse 

This was a really tough time

As I struggled to make sense of my feelings for him 

And also the infamous poppy tea

My mum and sister found out

Prompting one hell of an argument between us 

It was a horrible time

One that I don't think of very often 

So the less said about it the better me thinks 

In April

We did the darkness to light walk

Which is becoming a tradition every year

It's in aid of suicide prevention 

So it's all for a good cause

Then came summer 

We brought my nephew to Belfastfor his birthday 

I shaved the side of my head 

I got my nose pierced 

Which I still love to this day 

My mum had her retirement do 

At which I made a speech

I had my birthday in September 

Then headed to Istanbul at the end of month

October we went to Cork for a few days 

November we got the news that my brother signed a two book deal

Then this month 

I had another bout of pancreatitis

Which was a blow 

But I am doing my best to get over 

And of course Christmas 

Which was lovely 

And in between all that 

I did various interviews and writing pieces for different on line publication which was amazing 

Yes it's been a rollercoaster of a year

But I wouldn't change it for the world 

Here are some photos from the last year...

Tuesday 29th December

It being Christmas 

And it being a bank holiday

I was at the doctors today 

Instead of yesterday

The surgery was unusually quiet

I took a seat 

And looked up to see a man from the meetings coming towards me

I actually smelled him before I saw him

Which is a terrible thing to say 

But it's the truth

This man would be considered by many as the town fruit loop

And resident weirdo 

I don't see him this way

And see nothing but a very mentally unwell person

A person who drank and drugged too much in their youth

A lonely man 

A very sad man

He spotted me straight away

And made a bee line for me 

The smell off of him was pungent 

Stale alcohol

The scent of not having washed in weeks

I have to admit

I don't particularly like meeting this man 

As he can be very inappropriate 

He is the same man who asked me me very loudly in a waiting room if I had a problem with food 

So needless to say I am wary of him

He came over when he saw me 

Sat down beside me 

And said I looked well 

Which I don't 

But anyway 

He took out a little bag

When I saw it 

I was reminded of the One Direction bag he used to sport earlier in the year

He asked if I had a pen

I fished in to my bag and found one

Just at that moment my name was called by my doctor

I told the man the keep the pen

And followed my doctor in to his room 

Before I had even sat down 

He started telling me about a fabulous new book he was reading 

He sat back in his chAir as he spoke 

As though he was in his element 

After a few minutes

He changed the subject 

And asked how Christmas had gone

I told him it was lovely and low key

He asked about my eating issues 

I told him how I think I need to address a few issues in that regard

And I hope to see Mary in the new year

He also asked if I was purging much

I said I was

A bit 

But in truth 

It's spinning out of control again

When I got home from hospital two weeks ago

I was really charged to make some changes to my lifestyle 

My eating 

My purging 

The food I choose to eat 

As well as generally looking after myself 

But 

Old habits die hard as they say

And I'm finding it difficult to make any real  change 

My health has never been a priority 

I've never cared enough about myself to put my health first 

I guess that comes from not caring if you live or die 

And I felt that way for a very long time

Now 

I want to live 

I do

But again 

The habits of a lifetime

And the beliefs of a lifetime prove so very hard to change

My doctor wrote my script

And I left wishing him a happy new year 

I can't lie 

I feel I am heading head first for a relapse 

I am now on the cusp of being underweight

The prospect of this both thrills me and terrifies me

But the thing is 

Even though I know where I am headed

And I know how this story ends 

I am finding it incredibly difficult to stop

The numbers are going down at an alarming rate

I've lost 21 pounds in the last 7-8 weeks

I worry about that

I don't want to put my family through this whole nightmare again

And even in weight terms 

I think I look better when my BMI is around 22 - 23

At the moment I look pale and wan

Weight loss is always really visible in my face

I'm just hoping I can get some top

Up sessions with Mary 

I'm also seeing my psychiatrist in the new year 

So I'm hoping to get some extra support there 

So yes 

I am struggling at the moment 

It's been a combination of factors that contributed to this slip

The navy trousers that didn't fit

My being hospitalised again

I always lose weight when I am unwell

And I guess that's not unusual

It's just really hard to bounce back from that

It's tough though 

I know a lot of us here on blogger are struggling at the moment 

I think at times like this 

We need to stick together 

Look out for one another

Support each other 

Sometimes we are all each other has

I feel your pain

I really do 

I know what it's like to feel afraid 

Alone even though you are surrounded by people 

I know this thing we call ED can ruin lives 

Not just of the sufferer 

But of everyone around them

The thing about EDs

Is that the one person who can decide to get well

Is the one person who doesn't want to get well 

I know from being on both sides of mental illness

That being a carer or a supporter is not easy 

It's frustrating beyond belief 

And it's hard work

Sister no 1 is really struggling at the moment with depression

It's so hard to see her like this 

She's withdrawn

Very quiet 

Spends a lot of time in her room

She started taking her meds again

So we are hoping that will help

But the next few days are going to be busy here 

And I know she will find that hard

We are all just trying to be there for her 

Make sure she is warm and comfortable 

Giving her space

But also plenty of hugs 

The thing is 

That we as her family 

Feel so helpless 

There is little we can do to ease her suffering 

Yes we can be there 

But we can't take her depression away 

Just like my family can't take my illness away 

But as ever

We will persevere 

Keep fighting the good fight

And keep hoping and believing in a better life 

What is the alternative?

Lie down and give up?

No 

That is just not an option

We as a family have been through too much to give up now 

That's just not our style 

2016 is just around the corner 

I'm hoping it will be a good one 

What are your hopes for 2016?

December 28th 2015

I must say

We had a lovely Christmas 

It was quiet 

Low key

Informal 

Just me

My parents 

Sister no 1 and sister no 2

And my 15 year old nephew

Dinner itself was fine

And over dessert we had a very interesting conversation about constipation and diarrhoea 

Only in my family.....

As you know 

My parents separated about 15 years ago

My Dad lives about an hour away 

He comes to stAy with us regularly 

And spent a few nights here over Christmas 

It really is quite the revelation that my family can all spend time together never mind the whole of Christmas 

Growing up 

Christmas was not a good time 

Much alcohol and drugs were taken 

It always ended in tears 

Since we moved here ten years ago

My mother has declared it an alcohol and drug free zone 

Which is great as everyone is clear when they come here 

They must behave 

So yes 

Christmas this year was lovely 

My dad stayed until yesterday

It always seems 

That when my dad goes home

He texts us the things that he would have really liked to say to us 

I got a text last night thanking me for a lovely few days 

And to give the dogs a hug from him 

Mum got a text saying thanks and that there is a lot of love in our house

My mum and I worried that he had been drinking before he sent those texts

But I am fairly confident that he knows that if he drinks 

He loses all of us 

The whole family 

So I'm hoping and praying that he isn't

The next week or so will be busy 

Relations coming to stay 

Our house transforms over night from a quiet country home

To grand central station 

My Auntie B is coming on Saturday

And my uncle and nephew are coming in a couple of days 

Also my sisters partner will be with us for the new year 

I'm only making one New Years resolution

And that is to save money 

Rather than spend it 

Apart from that 

I am not really making any 

But that could change too

I was wondering about you

Are you making any resolutions this new year?

Christmas Photos

Every year at Christmas

We do secret Santa

So everyone buys for someone 

And there is a limit of €50

I was buying for sister no 1 this year

I got her some really good body lotion

And moisturiser 

My Dad was buying for me 

He got me an apron with dogs on

A diary with dogs on

Some soap and socks from Avoca

Those of which you can see below in the photos 

In other news 

I have neither lost or gained weight over the holidays 

Yes

I Am weighing 

But it's to make sure I don't slip in to the underweight category more than anything else

My Dad told me that if I lose anymore weight

He will be really angry with me

I kniw that I am just on the verge of a very bad relapse 

And am doing my best to not let that happen 

St. Stephens Day

Its  the day after Christmas Day here in Ireland

Some of you may know it as Boxing Day

Or the day after the night before

We are all having a chilled day here

After the hustle and bustle of yesterday 

I was the first one up Christmas morning 

I got the dogs out of bed

Let them outside 

And went to wake up the rest 

Mum was up next 

So we opened our presents 

I got some lovely gifts

Avoca soap and socks 

An apron with dogs on

And a diary also with dogs on

My family know me well

After the present opening

My mum and I went to 9 30am mass

Which I slept through 

But what I did hear of it was lovely 

Then we came home 

And the rest of the family emerged 

The dogs werent forgotten either

And in total got three stockings between them with toys and treats 

Dinner was a joint effort 

Although my sister really did most of it 

And what a delicious meal it was 

Turkey and ham

Roast potatoes as well as boiled

Carrot and parsnip mash

Stuffing 

Gravy

And of course Brussels sprouts

Christmas dinner would not be the same without them 

I did my best with dinner 

And ate a small plate

I did purge though 

I have to be honest about that

For dessert 

We had the most delicious apple crumble with cinnamon

With lashings of custard

Absolute heaven in a bowl...

Dinner was lovely 

It was just the six of us

Low key and quiet

Just the way that I like it

No fuss 

No drama 

No alcohol

No fighting 

Just me and my family

And of course Honey and Lea

Who also had a Christmas dinner 

We had a lovely meal

We tAlked 

Laughed 

Joked 

We all got on

All made the effort to be sociable

Even though we might not all agree about everything 

We all put our differences aside 

And shared a lovely meal together 

Today is a quiet day 

My dad and I brought Lea for a walk this morning :

Honey elected to stay in bed 

I dont blame her though

Today I am feeling very grateful

To have a roof over my head

Food in the fridge

Clothes on my back

They say that happiness is not having what you want

It's wanting what you have 

I hope you had a lovely peaceful Christmas 

I hope you enjoyed it 

Rather than endured it🎇