Sunday, 24 April 2016

Rest Day

Today is another rest day on the A - Z Challenge
So I thought I would take the opportunity to write a personal post about what's going on for me and my family
Next Friday my Mum is having surgery in Dublin
A few weeks ago 
She saw a consultant 
And the surgery date is next week
It's surgery on her foot
Her toes to be precise 
You see, for as long as we can remember 
Mum has had a wonky toe
Her big toe is kind of growing the wrong way 
And is almost as a right angle to the rest of her toes 
Her toe had been a source of fun over the years 
Especially during the summer when her feet are out 
I would show you a picture 
But I don't want to scare you
But if you look up 'Hammer Toe' on Google 
You will surely find some pics 

Anyway
Up until recently 
Mums funny toe hasn't given her any trouble 
Apart from the way it looks 
Which never has really bothered her 
But now 
She gets pain in her foot and up her leg 
So we finally managed to get her to go to the doctor 
Who promptly referred her to a consultant in Dublin
Who told Mum it was one of the worst cases he has seen
He immediately booked her in for surgery 
It's sounds like a small and simple procedure 
But it is in fact complicated 
Both the big toe and the toe next to it will broken 
Straightened 
And pins will be inserted to keep the toes in place 
All done under general anaesthetic of course
Mum will be in quite a bit of pain following the procedure 
And will be off her feet for a couple of months
So needless to say 
We will be looking after her for that period of time 
My sister and I live  here 
So we will be doing the bulk of the work
But we have another sister and brother who will hopefully help too
We have already done out a roster for cooking and cleaning etc
But I'm sure there are some things that we haven't even thought of yet
We'll get through it 
Albeit with a few sibling arguments and tiffs

The other thing is 
That recently I have become aware of my own big toe 
As it seems to be heading in the same direction as Mums
Which is a worry 
But I guess I don't need to worry about it just yet 
But I definitely won't let it go as bad as my Mums
Whose foot is now quite deformed 

My Dad is also going to see a consultant in Dublin next month 
It's his hands 
Over the years the muscle in his hands has wasted away 
And he now has very little power or strength in them
He can't close buttons 
Open jars 
His hands are quite disabled now 
It was hard to get him to go to the doctor 
But he finally did recently 
And was referred to the consultant 
I really hope they can do something to help his hands 
As soon they will be completely useless if something isn't done

It's worrying 
Both my parents having separate health issues
I guess it's a reminder that they are not getting any younger
It's scary to think that they are getting older
I'm not ready for it 
Even though I'm 34 
I feel like I am still growing up
I need them 
I still need my parents 
It's scary 
It feels like the rug is being pulled from under us 
And all of a sudden 
They are old 
I guess we are never ready to lose our parents 
And I don't think that will happen for a long time 
But it's something that will happen
Whether we are ready or not 

Having said all that 
I was wondering about you 
Do you still have your parents?
Or have you lost either parent?
Are your parents getting older and having health problems?
How do you feel about it?
Are you worried about them?


Saturday, 23 April 2016

T is for Tea!

All my life 
I've been a confirmed tea drinker
Even as a baby 
I used to take hot, sweet tea in my bottle 
I was very attached to my bottle of tea
And having spoken to my Mum about it this morning
She tells me that I used my bottle of tea as a comfort up until the age of four
I can remember hiding said bottle when people came over 
Since then 
Tea has been a source of warmth and comfort to me
That first cup in the morning is heaven 
And when I smoked
A cuppa and a cigarette could put the world to right 
I can't lie 
I miss that feeling 
A hot steaming cup of tea
And a Carrolls cigarette 
Anything could be solved over it
I've never been a coffee drinker
Most of my family are coffee drinkers 
But I've never developed a taste for it
I wish I liked coffee
As it looks very sophisticated 
And I'd love to go in to a coffee shop and order a long black
But no
I am a dedicated tea drinker
And nothing else will do

It wasn't until I developed my ED 
That my tea drinking got out of hand 
If tea drinking can get out of hand
Now I must drink 10- 15 cups a day 
Depending on what I am doing 
If I am at home 
I will make one cup after another 
And drink it like it is going out of fashion
I also have particular cups that I drink out of 
I'm very picky about my cups 
The need to be narrow 
Quite tall 
Preferably with a nice design
I don't like cups with an internal colour 
I like them to be white on the inside
I have my favourite cups
And no other cups will do

When I gave up smoking 
It took me quite a while to get used to having a cup of tea without a smoke 
It just wasn't the same 
But as they say 
You can make or break a habit in 21 days
And eventually 
Like everything 
I got used to it
Oh
And the tea has to be Barry's 
I don't use sugar that much anymore 
And use 4 sweeteners instead
Right 
I'm off to make another cuppa
See you on the next post....

Are you a tea or coffee drinker?

Friday, 22 April 2016

S is for Summer!

Summer is fast approaching 
And as you know
I have a few things in the pipeline 
There is the possibility of a job
And also a course I could do 
Which is over a year long
IT and communications 
Two days a week
This week
I got a call from the manager of the holiday centre where I applied to work 
She asked me if I was still interested in work
And told me to pop in yesterday morning to have a chat
So I did 
She showed me around the building
Which can cater up to 60 people at a time
The living areas 
The dining room 
The office 
Then we sat down so she could tell me in depth about the job
She asked about my situation
I told her that I am on a disability benefit 
And because the job is only a summer job
I am keen to hold on to that payment
She totally understood that 
She asked me why I am on disability 
So I explained that I am recovering from an eating disorder 
I had no problem telling her that 
But then she became concerned that the job might be too much for me
She told me that the job is not only physically demanding 
But also very emotionally demanding
You see the holiday centre is run by a charity 
Whose aim is to give people a holiday who generally can't afford on
It's not free 
But it is at a reduced cost
So a lot of the people staying are vulnerable 
Or have difficult circumstances 
Different situation may arise 
And I would need to be very switched on to deal with them
The manager explained that the person she hires needs to have a lot of cop on and common sense 
A jack of all trades were the words she used
I told her that I would be available to work the 20 hours a week I am allowed work 
She said she would have to bring thdt information back to the board members to discuss 
And said she would get back to me next week
know that a lot of you think that I should take the full time work 
And I would love to
But I worry that it would be too much for me 
And I might cave under the pressure 
Plus I wouldn't have the time to look after my dogs 
Horse riding 
Writing 
Blogging 
Meetings 
And appointments 
If I could work the 20 hours 
That would work perfectly 
But I don't know if it will happen

Then there is the course 
I went to talk on it yesterday 
And I have an interview for it on Monday
The course is two days a week
For 16 months
So it suits me really well 
If I got the 20 hours work 
Then I could probably squeeze the course in too
My other option is not to work at all and do the course 
The course work includes work experience 
So I would get some work over the next year
Anyway 
 I will wait for the manager to get back to me about the job
And I will go ahead and do the interview for the course 
But right now 
I am leaning towards doing the course
Even though it is a bit of a dilemma 
It's great to have options
It's great to be well enough to do these things
I feel like things are starting to come together for me
That my life is coming together 
And that is nothing short of amazing

I'd love to know what you think though
Your views and opinions 
So don't be shy 
Get in touch.... 

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

R is for Recovery!

Recovery is an obvious choice for the letter R
But it's also an important one 
The main thing about recovery 
Is that it's about progress not perfection
And I am so glad for that 
Because I certainly have not perfected recovery 
Who has?
My recovery from drugs started as long as ten years ago
I've had many slips and relapses since then
And now have about a year of continuous recovery
Since my last relapse early last year
My recovery from my ED started two years ago
After I came out of treatment for the umpteenth time
But again 
It most definitely has not been a straight road 
There have been an awful lot of bumps in the road for me
And some might argue that I am not in recovery at all 
As I still purge 
Albeit a whole lot less than I was two years ago 
But bulimia still raises its ugly head from time to time 
The thing is 
That I am doing my level best 
To stay sane
And improve my physical and mental health 
I'm striving for a better life 
For me and my family 

It's taken me a long time to get to the ponit where I wanted to recover
In the midst of the illness
Recovery seems nigh on impossible 
It wasn't something that I wanted to explore 
And I deliberately avoided anything to do with recovery 
But there came a point 
Where I was just not willing to lose any more of my life to my addiction/ED
Where the negatives drastically outweighed the positives
I wasn't living 
I was hanging on by my finger nails to life 
But now 
I am so glad I managed to pull myself out of the rabbit hole 
And am even sorry that I didn't do it years ago 
It seems that as quickly as things can tank
They can also turn around just as quickly 
I can categorically tell you 
That there is life after ED and addiction
I know that recovery can seem so far away
And sometimes it is 
But it starts with the first step
That first leap of faith 
That is the most difficult part
But once you get going 
I promise you 
There will be no stopping you
Baby steps all the way
As I always say
Baby steps soon add up to be great strides 
And breaking it down in to small bite size chunks is much more manageable

As well as improving health and mental health
As well as weight restoration and all the health benefits that come with that 
Recovery also opens up new opportunities
I've done so many things in recovery
That I would never have had the confidence or the courage to do in the midst of my illness
I went on my first date 
I joined classes 
I started going to meetings again
I began horse riding
Which has quickly turned in to a passion
I've done interviews for different publications 
So many wonderful things can happen 
If you can just open your mind 
And your heart 
And take that first step away from the illness
In my ED
It was like being in a prison 
With meagre food portions 
And a punishing exercise routine 
There is nothing enjoyable about living with an ED 
Even the benefits it promises 
Weight loss 
Never works out 
As the goal posts always shift

Today is a good day
This morning I am going in to see the manager of the holiday centre 
Remember the job I applied for?
She rang me yesterday 
And asked me to go in for a chat 
So that is exciting 
I'm really hoping something comes of it
And this afternoon 
I am starting my course 
IT and communications 
I don't know if I'll be able to do it all
But I will give it a go 
And see how I get on 
I still want to leave time for horse riding
The dogs 
blogging 
And my appointments of course 
As these things are the foundation of my recovery 
I have faith though 
That it will all work out the way it's supposed to 
And that's the lovely thing about recovery 
Things seem to all of a sudden fall in to place 
One day everything is up in the air 
And the next it's all slotting together like a jigsaw puzzle

In other news 
I went horse riding yesterday 
Myself and one of the lads are being entered in a competition 
A dressage show 
On May 1st
It's basically a routine with the horse 
Walking 
Trotting
Following a course 
We went through it twice yesterday
If you remember last week
Star was no co operating with me 
He was very reluctant to trot 
So I was given a whip yesterday 
Just to give him a little tap to start off
And lo and behold 
He began to trot when I tapped him
We are rough diamonds myself and Star
But we are slowly but surely forming a little bond 
And finding out way 
At one point when we were trotting 
Star began to go really fast 
Cantering 
It was amazing!
I loved it!
So much fun!
I just wish I could do it more often 
I feel on such a high after riding 
And the time always goes way too quickly 
And this 
The horse riding 
Is only possible by my being somewhat well
I wouldn't be able for it if I was underweight and struggling 
I wouldn't trade all the things in my life for a skinny body 
No way 
Maybe it's that in getting older 
I turn 35 this year 
And I guess I was bound to grow up at some stage 
And an ED is so life and soul draining 
That the older you get 
The sicker you get 
And the harder it is to find recovery 
I know I'm blessed 
I have an amazing family behind me 
Super duper professionals 
Who as a team
Have helped me massively 
And pancreatitis aside 
I've come out of my ED relatively unscathed 
Also economic factors 
I have a secure comfortable place to live 
I don't really have to worry about money 
And those things are massive
So all in all
Recovery is worth 
A hundred times over 
I just wish I could give you a little piece of the happiness I have found 
It's finally happening for me
I am recovering.....


Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Q is for Quirky!

Q is a bit of a tricky letter
I decided to go with quirky
As it was one of only a few I could think of
I like quirky
Quirky clothes 
Quirky hair
Quirky colours
I especially love quirky people
And I am a bit on the quirky side myself
I can remember growing up
I desperate to belong 
To find people like me
A place where I didn't stick out like a sore thumb
As a teenager 
I experimented with lots of different styles
Preppy
Sporty 
Hippy
Gothic
Prim and proper 
But I never felt I quite belonged to any of them 
I really had no clue who I was 
What I was about 
And what people I wanted to be around
For me 
Clothes are a big part of my identity 
It was only really in my late twenties 
That I found a style I liked
And felt comfortable in
I wear a lot of jeans, hoodies and trainers
But I like quirky ones
Surf type wear 
That relaxed 
Laid back 
And comfortable in style 

I love to meet people who are a little bit different 
People who March to the beat of their own drum
I'm attracted to people who I can be myself around 
As there really aren't many out there 
That's why I get on with my sister so well
She is quirky to the point of being eccentric 
And I love that about her 
She is also bat shit crazy
I know she won't mind me saying that
As I am too
I swear 
Some of the conversations we have are hilarious 
And I've been threatening to put a go-pro camera in the car to capture some of our funnier moments 
A sense of humour is so important I think 
Especially in the darker times 
My family have quite a dark sense of humour 
And it has got us through many of the tougher times 
Without it
I would have gone completely off the wall long ago

Remember in school
When being different or quirky was a bad thing?
It seems like the end of the world when you don't fit in
But as an adult 
It's endearing and interesting to be quirky or different 
Who wants to be like the crowd anyway.....?

P is for Peace!

I'm going to write about peace 
In the context of peace of mind
At meetings 
A lot of talk centres around achieving peace of mind 
As an addict
And as someone who suffers with mental health issues
I have experienced very little peace of mind in my life 
Plus the fact that I am a worrier means my head is rarely quiet
For as long as I can remember 
The has a constant chatter
A running commentary going on in my head
Most of which is negative and repetitive and generally pretty destructive 
Then add an ED in to the mix
Which is also like another voice in your head
And it becomes very difficult to achieve peace of mind 
I am constantly thinking 
Constantly switched on
And am generally thinking about something that did happen 
Or something that is going to happen 
Very rarely am I in the present 
On the moment 
I am almost always in another tense 

I do strive for peace of mind though
And I do get moments of it 
Those moments are sheer bliss 
When the internal chatter stops
And my head is quiet
You can't buy that kind peace 
 To me 
Peace means not worrying about the past 
Letting the past be 
And not beating myself up about it 
It means not projecting in to the future 
Not wishing my life away 
Peace means being happy to live in the present 
To deal with things as they happen 
To live life on life's terms
It means accepting my situation
The good and the bad 
And making the most of it 
Peace means integrity 
Doing the next right thing 
Even when no one is watching 
It means living a life that I can be proud of 
Peace means being present 
Mindful 
Doing the best I can with what I have 
It means laying my head down at night 
Knowing I lived the best life I could have today 
I guess peace is similar to happiness
It's not a constant thing 
But we do get moments of it 
And those moments are priceless

What does peace mean to you?

Monday, 18 April 2016

O is for Orca!

Yes
A total change of direction here 
For as long as I can remember
I have been fascinated by whales
All animals really
But especially whales
It started when I did a project on them in primary school
And the fascination has never left me
There is something so magical about them 
Their sheer size alone is mind boggling
Last night on BBC
There was a documentary on about zoos
Presented by Liz Bonin
That asked the questions
Should we keep animals in captivity?
What are the costs and the benefits?
I wasn't going to watch said documentary
As in the trailer 
It said there were some upsetting scenes
And nothing upsets me more than seeing animals in distress 
I decided to watch it though
As even though it is really upsetting 
I want to be aware of what is happening 
The documentary itself was brilliant
It asked some really tough questions 
About why we keep animals in captivity
Their habitat in captivity 
Their behaviour in captivity as opposed to the wild 
Apparently an elephants life span is cut in half in captivity
They also experience other problems such as obesity 
Rotten teeth 
And foot problems 
All because they have been kept in the wrong sort of conditions 
The documentary also questions about extinction
In the case of the northern white rhino
There are none left in the wild at all
And only five exist in captivity
So
Is it better to keep a species in captivity to keep it alive?
Or should we allow these beautiful animals to die out?
It's a tricky one

But back to whales 
The documentary spoke about the movie Black Fish
The film that focuses on the events that led up to the death of 40 year old Seaworld trainer Dawn Branchaeu in 2010
I haven't seen the movie
As I think it would send me over the edge and traumatise me for life
The name of the whale that killed Dawn Brancheau is called Tilikum
Dawn was rubbing Tilikum as part of a post show routine when the orca grabbed her by her left arm and hair
And dragged her to the bottom of the enclosure
Tilikum scalped her
Broke her bones 
Dismembered her
She drowned 
The third person to have been killed by Tilikum since his capture over 30 years ago
Seaworld declined to take part in the film Black Fish 
But they did agree to an interview for the BBC documentary last night 
We got to meet Tilikum
Who still resides in Sea World
The head vet there 
Argued that Dawn Brancheaus death was a tragic accident 
And not a deliberate attack on her life 

Let's rewind here a little 
So I can give you some history of Tilikum
Tilikum is the largest orca in captivity
Weighing in at 12, 500 pounds
And over 22 feet in length
Tilikum was captured near Iceland
In November 1983
Two years old
He was ripped away from his family and ocean home 
He was covered in lanolin
An oil extracted from sheeps wool which is applied to the orcas whole body to prepare them for a long transport without water
Tilikum has been bought and sold like a commodity since his capture
Held in small holding tanks 
All he could do was swim in small circles and float aimlessly at the surface of the water 
In the wild an orca can cover an area of up to 100 miles a day 
So you can see how disturbing it must be to the whale
In captivity 
Food was held from Tilikum as a training technique
He was forced to perform every hour on the hour 
8 times a day 
7 days a week
On February 21 1991 Sealand trainer Keltie Byrne fell in to a pool containing three orcas including Tilikum
She was pulled to the bottom of the enclosure 
Tossed around among the three orcas
And ultimately drowned 
She was the first of three people to have been killed due to Tilikums stress, confinement and frustration

After the death of Keltie 
Sealand closed its doors for good
And Tilikum was sold to Seaworld
Over the course of Tilikums life at there
He has been involved in multiple acts of aggression 
The stress of captivity also drives him to exhibit abnormal repetitive behaviour
Such as on metal gates and the concrete sides of his tank 
The stress of captivity also drove Tilikum to kill a young trainer called Daniel P Dukes in 1999
Following Dawns tragic death in 2010
Tilikum was kept in a tiny enclosure
After a year of isolation
He returned to performing 
Aggression towards humans by orcas is almost non existent in nature
But the constant stress of living in incompatible social groupings inside minuscule tAnks at Seaworld causes them to lash out
Posing a threat of danger to other whales and employees alike

Having researched this topic today 
And some of the information here was taken directly from Seaworld of Hurts website 
I feel a sense of despair for these animals 
It really upsets me 
In fact cruelty to animals upsets me a lot more than cruelty to people 
I asked myself today
What I can do to help these poor creatures 
And I guess by raising awareness here on my blog is at least something 
I find myself with little pity for those that Tilikum killed
I mean these are wild animals 
Being kept in unsatisfactory conditions 
I'm actually surprised that more people haven't been killed
So I guess we need to ask ourselves some difficult questions
In order to solve this problem 
In my opinion
Seaworld and similar places should be illegal 
No more than dancing bears
Donkey rides
And any other activity that exploits animals for money 
As humans 
We do not own this planet 
Animals have every right to life in the wild  
As it seems keeping them in captivity does not work 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
What do you think about places like Seaworld?
Have you ever been?
And also what do you think about zoos?
I know a lot of you out there are animal lovers like me
So I am interested to hear what you think...