Z is for Zodiac!

And so we have reached the end of the A-Z Challenge 

I actually Googled words beginning with Z

And zodiac immediately jumped out at me 

I was born in early September 

So I am a Virgo

According to the zodiac

Virgos are perfectionists 

Practical 

Efficient 

If you want something something done 

And done well

Ask a virgo

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac to be exact

And that's they way virgos like it: exacting 

I am forever the butt of jokes for being so picky and critical

But our attention to detail is for a reason

To help others 

Virgos more than any other sign, were born to serve 

And it gives us great joy 

We are tailor made for the job

As we are industrious, methodical and efficient 

My sister is always slagging me how I do everything in fast forward 

As quick and efficiently as possible

Our sense of duty is great

And ensures that we will always work for the greater good 

Virgo is represented by the Virgin

Although this association should not be taken literally 

We tend to take on some the qualities of the Virgin

Things like modesty and humanity 

Some might consider us repressed

Although Virgos would argue that it is a noble quality 

As opposed to a negative one 

As a Virgo

My brain is in overdrive most of the time 

Which is why we get so much done 

Virgos are able communicators

And use their mental strength to maximum advantage 

All of this brainpower can make Virgos prone to skepticism 

And can even lead to the type of overthinking that can lead to over kill 

Virgos enjoy studying a situation in great detail 

Whether it's in work, a project or relationship 

We are truly interested in understanding things 

Virgos are also neat and clean, reliable, and practical and oh so useful to have around 

The element associated with the sign Virgo is earth

And in keeping with that

Most Virgos are grounded, salt of the earth types

Virgos do enjoy material possessions and are picky about what they bring in to their lives

While Virgos can be worriers 

We do our best to temper these impulses 

However 

If left unchecked this nervousness can lead to hypochondria 

For that reason Virgos are extremely health conscious 

And many choose a health or medical career 

When it comes to love, Virgos are able to loosen up somewhat 

And are devoted to their partners 

Even if they can be a bit jealous 

The great strengths of the Virgo is in their practicality, sharp mind and attention to detail

With all that said

I was wondering about you 

What star sign are you?

Are you a typical one?

Do you read star signs?

Do you believe them?

Inquiring minds want to know....

Y is for You!

And so we are on the home straight

Only two letters left

I'm so glad to be almost finished this challenge

I am notorious for starting things

And being all enthusiastic for the first ten minutes

Then my energy gives out

And I promptly give said activity up

So completing this challenge is great for me 

To actually see something through until the end 

No matter how hard it gets 

So yes

Y is for You

As in being yourself 

In your full

Technicolor 

Bat shit crazy way

It's taken me a long time to be comfortable being myself 

And I'm still a work in progress 

Today for example 

I was walking down my road 

With my dogs 

And I looked down and realised that my trousers were on back to front 

A few years ago 

If that happened to me

I would have been mortified

But today 

I had a little chuckle to myself 

And carried on walking

Not giving a hoot who saw me

I mean 

In the grand scheme of things 

Who actually cares?

Not me anyway

I guess we have different faces for different situations 

Our work persona

Family persona 

Girlfriend persona 

Sibling persona 

We wear many hats 

So being ourselves is a real treat

I covered up my true self for so long 

That it becomes hard to even identify your true self 

And isn't it so liberating to be around someone who is completely at ease within themselves?

I find that I get on with some people and some People not so much

But that's life 

You can't like every one

And everyone can't like you

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in

Trying to be part of the 'cool kids'

At school 

Fitting in seemed the be all and end all

But then I grew up and realised that it's more fun to be different 

And not to follow the crowd 

As an adult 

We can seek out others like us if we want 

There is always someone who will get us 

Understand us 

Even when the majority of the population doesn't 

Being yourself is so important I think

Because pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting 

I've been there 

It's not fun

In fact it's soul destroying 

I am happy to be me 

I'm doing ok

Given what I've been through

I'm not doing too badly at all

I try to be a good person

I do my best to be a person of integrity 

Yes

I've made a lot of mistakes over the years 

But I've learned a lot too

And I'm now in a good place 

The best I've been in a long time 

I want to maintain that 

And live my life 

As well as I can 

I enjoy being me 

I am curious 

Inquisitive 

I have a big heart 

And lots of love to give 

We as people 

And as women 

Should be ourselves 

We are bright 

Talented 

We have so much to offer 

We are the next generation

The future 

The planet is in safe hands 

Do you think It's important to be yourself?

X is for X Chromosome!

Shout out

And a big thank you to Julia

Who suggested X chromosome for the letter X

You are on the ball today Julia

Great suggestion

And it means I get to write about the women in my life

I am blessed to have some amazing and strong women in my life

I often write about my mother

And what a rock of support and love she is 

For a little woman

She is the strongest person I know

When she was my age 

She already had four children

Three girls and a boy 

She lived with an alcoholic husband up until the year 2001

Then three of her children developed addiction and mental health issues

Yes

She has been through the mill

And she did it with the grace and elegance that always surrounds her

In recovery 

I have become very close to my mother

And she never ceases to amaze me 

She is super smart

An avid reader

She can hold a conversation with the best of them

But she is humble with it

She doesn't judge

She doesn't discriminate

People are drawn to her

Like moths to a flame 

She leads a very active life 

Even though she is retired

She has many friends 

And is always doing something

And going somewhere

She has always supported me

As I have often said 

If love and support could have made me well

I would have recovered a long time ago

She has never given up on me 

And has gone to extreme lengths to help me over the years 

I moved back in with my mum ten years ago

And I love it 

I love spending time with her 

I love doing things with her

She is interesting and interested

If I grow up to be half the woman she is 

I will be doing pretty well

I also have two sisters 

Who like me

Struggle with life 

My sisters are also strong independent women 

And people I look up to 

Again

They are super intelligent 

And bags of common sense

Something I struggle with

I am lucky to have such great sisters 

Then there are the professionals

As you know 

I started seeing Mary a few years ago

And have been seeing her on and off since then 

From the start

She has been a constant support

We clicked straight away

And she is so knowledgeable about EDs and life in general

I actually saw Mary earlier today

It was great to be able to tell her how well things are going 

She reminded me of the first time I met her 

And how far I have come

She regularly mentions the conference I spoke at

And the amazing feedback mine and my mothers speech got 

Today 

She brought up the subject of discharge 

I am nervous to let Mary go

So we decided I would see her once a month from now on

And see how we go from there 

This is good 

It's all good

I will miss Mary 

But I know I can ring her anytime 

And I know it's time to move on

To spread my wings and fly 

The other professional in my life is Breda

I started seeing Breda over a year ago 

After I relapsed

I liked her from the start

She is no nonsense 

Practical

Sound 

On the ball

Full of good advice

I have seen many addiction counsellors over the years

And Breda is by far the best 

I see her about every three weeks

And even though I am now very much clean and sober 

It's no harm to keep going to see her

I love being a female 

A strong, recovering female 

And am surrounded by such brilliant women 

No offence to men 

But we are the movers and shakers of this world 

You've heard the saying 

Behind every great man

Is a great woman

I think this is so true 

I am proud

Proud to be a woman

And proud of the fellow women around me

And you 

My beautiful blogger family 

I know the vast majority of you are female 

And you have become part of my story 

You have been such a support to me over the years 

This blog has been a life line 

And I feel so blessed to have met some incredible women from all over the world 

Yes 

We are strong 

We are independent 

We are learning 

Growing 

Thriving 

And blossoming 

They say at the meetings 

That women should stick together 

And the men too

I agree with this 

As there is no agenda with a fellow woman 

Well I guess there could be

But most of the time there's not 

So this post is dedicated to you 

My blogger family 

And I don't write thdt flippantly 

You are like family to me 

X is for?

I'm struggling to think of a word for X

Any ideas out there....?

W is for weight!

Another ED related post

But there aren't a whole lot of words beginning with W

So weight it is

And it is topical 

Given my last post

First

I want to thank you all for your valued feed back on my last post

I know you all have my best interests at heart

And I really appreciate that

I've decided not to go ahead with the media company

It just didn't feel right

It almost felt like the photos I provided weren't shocking enough

And that is really sad

I could go ahead and share the ones of me in my underwear 

But they are so very personal

I just don't feel at all comfortable with it

You all made some really good points about the story they wanted to run

Emaciated girl gets healthy is a popular theme 

The before and after 

The shocking and the victory 

From illness to recovery 

That story has been told a million times

What about the majority of sufferers who are not underweight?

And who have never been physically compromised

That story is almost never told

Because it's not sensational

There are no emaciated bodies

No pointy bones 

Or sharp angles 

The story of say the girl with bulimia

Who is a healthy weight 

Just doesn't capture the attention of an audience 

But as you wrote yesterday 

It's that story that needs to be told

So people are aware that EDs come in all shapes and sizes

Not just super skinny

I have stopped weighing myself 

My scales broke 

And I was weighing in my doctors surgery on a Monday

But I've stopped doing that now

Why?

Because it doesn't matter 

The number does not matter 

All I'm concerned about 

Is that I feel good

I feel strong 

I feel capable and able

My clothes fit

My hair and nails and skin are healthy

Unless I drastically lose or put on weight

I am not going to worry about it 

And you know what?

It is the best feeling in the world 

Letting go of that pressure and control

I feel like a weight has been lifted off me

Now I have so much to stay healthy for

So much to live for

I am no longer Ruby the anorectic/bulimic/addict

I am in recovery 

I am a work in progress

I am letting go of the ties that bound me

Drugs 

Alcohol

Cigarettes 

Unhealthy food habits

I was at a meeting yesterday

And after it

Someone came up to me

And said that it was really good listening to me

That made my day

Because now I feel I have something to offer the world 

I feel I can help others 

Be a good person 

And spread a message of hope

Because there is hope

There is always hope 

I feel so blessed for what I have in my life 

My family 

My dogs 

My friends 

I have such good and strong people around me 

I know I am more fortunate than most 

If you do one thing today

I urge you to recognise the good things in your life 

The people 

The pets 

The family and friends 

As ED sufferers 

We are so hard on ourselves 

It's time we have ourselves a break

And look to the positives in our lives

Weight has absolutely no correlation to happiness 

If it did 

Then I would have been deliriously happy at my lowest weight 

I wasn't 

Happiness is not a number

It's a state of mind 

V is for Voyeurism!

Part of an ED that can be very sick and twisted

Is other people wanting to see the skeletal body of the sufferer

People like to be shocked  

To me it's voyeurism

Like when you pass a car crash

You can't help but look

I was contacted by a media company a few weeks ago

They asked if they could have an informal chat with me over the phone

And I agreed 

So they rang

And we had a conversation

But straight away 

I felt some red flags popping up

She wanted to know my lowest weight

Smallest clothes size

And seemed very interested in the numbers 

But then people always are 

So I didn't think too much about it

Then they asked for some photos of me when I was underweight 

I really needed to think about that one 

I don't have photos of me at my lowest weight

But I do have photos of me over the years underweight 

I also have a few photos of me in my underwear 

Which my brothers girlfriend took

But they are very personal photos 

And I didn't feel comfortable sharing them

I did however find some photos that I felt ok sharing 

And sent them to the media company yesterday 

They got back to me this morning 

And said the photos aren't suitable 

That they want to see more of my body 

And could I send some more explicit photos 

That right there was enough for me to worry

Like typical media

They wanted the photos to shock

To sensationalise my disorder 

They want to see emaciated bodies 

Pointy bones

And sharp angles 

Which I can understand 

People are curious

They want to know what drives someone to starve themselves in to emaciation

The girl from the media company emailed me back

And told me that they need some photos to show how ill I was 

To contrast with how well I am now 

To be honest 

The girl from the company seems lovely 

And has said many times if I don't feel comfortable doing this 

I can pull out at any time 

So I really don't know what to do

I don't want to be exploited

I don't want to be used

I don't want to be put in a vulnerable position

Where I leave myself exposed

But at the same time 

It is a good opportunity to spread awareness 

And a message of hope 

It's a tricky one 

I emailed the girl back 

And told her thdt I need a couple of days to think about it 

I will speak to Mary about it on Thursday 

I know this is typical media 

Wanting the shock factor 

Something for their readers to gasp at

And to read more 

It seems to me that people ate fascinated with EDs

They want to see the lengths we go to for our illness

They want to see us wasting away

They pity us 

Which I hate 

Because I don't want your pity 

I don't want your sympathy 

It's hard enough to live with an ED without you getting your kicks out of looking at my underweight body 

I'm not a victim

I'm a survivor 

Have you ever experienced this?

U is for Undeterred!

I was having trouble coming up with a word for the letter U

I was going to do underweight 

But after what happened yesterday

It could only be one word 

Undeterred

Rewind to Thursday

I got it in to my head 

That I wanted to do more riding 

And check out the stables in my area

I got a couple of numbers 

But got no answer 

So I decided to call in to an equestrian centre that's about 20 minutes from my house 

I'd been to this centre before 

A few years ago when I did a beach trek with my sisters 

So I knew where it was 

My Dad and I set off 

We drove in to the yard 

And we were greeted by a woman called Rachael who runs the place

I asked her about the possibility of lessons 

She said they don't do adult lessons

As they don't have the demand for them 

But she did say I could book a private lesson

Costing €35 for half an hour

And €45 for an hour 

So I decided to book a half hour lesson for yesterday 

Half an hour doesn't sound like a lot

But when you are riding with no break 

It's exhausting 

The lady asked me about my experience

I said I could trot and canter 

I'm now thinking after what happened I shouldn't have said I could canter

As I've only really done it once 

Anyway 

Sunday came 

And I spent all day looking forward to my 4pm lesson 

The time finally came 

And my Mum and I set off

First I had to get fitted for boots and a hat 

The lady said to me that I had skinny legs

And gave me a pair of children's boots

Ha!

My ED loved that one!

So I got myself kitted out 

And then went around to the stables

Rachael introduced me to my horse called Sonny

And OMG!

He was huge!

Much larger than Star

We went in to the in door arena 

Where I held Sonny until my teacher came 

She came like a ball of energy

Susan was her name 

Something I've noticed 

Is that horse people are hardy 

Very hardy 

The second thing I noticed about Susan 

Was that she had two facial piercings the same as me 

Straight away 

She had me get up on Sonny 

And straight in to a trot

There was no messing around with this girl 

The first thing I noticed about Sonny

Was that he was much faster than Star

An awful lot faster 

But it felt amazing!

Soon she asked me to go in to a canter 

From a trot 

You sit in to the saddle 

And kick and squeeze with your legs 

I grabbed the safety strap

And kicked on 

What happened next happened so fast I can barely remember what happened

Sonny shot off like a bullet 

And completely took me by surprise by how fast he was going 

As he turned the corner

I could feel myself losing control

And began to slip off the side of the saddle

My feet came out of the stirrups 

So I had nothing holding me on 

I was bouncing around on Sonny like nobodies business

And the the next thing

I tumbled off 

And fell in a heap at the side of the track

The first thing I thought was Sonny was going to go over me 

And I instinctively curled up to protect myself 

I don't know where Sonny went

But he didn't run over 

The thing was 

I could feel myself falling 

But even though it seemed to happen in slow motion at the time 

I still got a huge shock

I got up straight away

Susan asked what if I was ok

And if I was hurt

I didn't think I was 

Nothing was broken anyway 

I asked her for a minute to catch my breath 

She said ok

But to get back up on the horse first 

I tried to mount Sonny

But I was shaking so much 

I couldn't get a grip to pull myself up 

Second time 

I managed 

And I just sat there for a moment 

Susan said it was important to get straight back up on the horse 

As the longer I left it

The harder it would be 

Soon I was ready to go again

And we began to walk around the arena

Slowly at first

Then trotting 

Then Susan asked if I felt ok to canter again

I must admit 

I was afraid 

But I really wanted to try again 

I didn't want my fear to get the better of me

So I tried again

Straight away

Susan stopped me

And said she knew why I fell

It was my feet 

In riding 

You are supposed to push your heels down and toes up to anchor yourself 

But i was riding with my toes down and heels up

So I was totally unbalanced

After she discovered the problem 

I was able to correct it 

Although I found it hard

I felt like I was sickling my feet

The way I used to do in ballet 

So Susan was constantly shouting at me 

Heels down!

Heels down!

We tried the canter again 

And this time I felt a lot more sturdy and balanced 

Susan said it was one hundred times better

By the end of the lesson 

I was wrecked 

And sweat was pumping out of me

Susan showed me how to put up the stirrups 

And take off the saddle 

And the bridle 

Which was good to learn 

I was still pretty shook as I went back to change out of my boots and hat

Susan said if I am going to pursue horse riding 

Then that was my first fall of many 

To be honest 

It had never occurred to me that I might fall off the horse at some point 

I had no fear about it

As I always thought that a fall happened when jumping 

Now I know different 

Susan said I could join the kids class on a Saturday if I wanted to

Or I could continue with the private lessons 

I stil don't know what I'm going to do 

So I told her I would think about it

And give them a ring 

The lesson yesterday was so different to the horse therapy I do on a Wednesday

Therapy is so informal and relaxed 

And it's more about the social side of things 

And less about technically getting better 

It's about gaining confidence

And building a relationship with the horse and trainer 

To be honest 

I kind of felt like I was cheating on horse therapy going to another stables 

I just wanted to do more of it though 

As once a week is just not enough for me 

So I'm wondering if I should tell Eilish I'm doing other lessons

Or should I continue with the extra lessons at all?

When I got home yesterday

I was telling my sister and her partner all about the fall

My sister was horrified 

She said we will already have my mum in plaster 

We don't need another broken bone in the house 

She pleaded with me not to go back

But the thing is 

I really want to

I really enjoy the adrenaline rush

The speed 

The power 

It's like a drug 

My sister said that I always have to push things that little bit extra 

And she is right 

Maybe I am turning in to an adrenaline junkie!

Who knows?

So today 

U is for undeterred

I got back on the horse after my fall

And i guess that's a metaphor for life 

When you fall down 

You dust yourself off 

And get back up 

Ready to fight another day 

I guess I've been doing that my whole life 

Maybe that's why the fall off Sonny didn't phase me too much 

I woke up this morning 

And my ribs and legs were hurting 

I was in with my doctor 

So he checked my ribs and lungs 

Which were fine 

But he said I may experience pain for a few days 

But you know what?

I kind of enjoy the pain 

It's a sign I was working hard

And loving every minute of it!