So the fast was a disaster. I lasted until about 3pm then the binge/purge monster reared it's ugly head and little old me is no match for him. I'm physically and mentally exhausted after a day of b/p and I'm sure there's more to come. Apart from being disgusting I always think the act of purging is quite violent and I'm sure it does a lot of damage eg rinsing my teeth with hydrochloric acid every time, This acid can put holes in steel so you can imagine what it does to teeth. Mine are in a terrible state. Anyway back to the fast, I used to be able to fast for days but not anymore, in fact it's a pointless act, the urge to binge and purge always wins. The one good side effect is that I tend to lose weight after b/p.

I have a dance practise tomorrow morning then a dress rehearsal at 6pm so busy day.

Hope you all well,

Lots of lovexxx

Fuck my life

So I'm fasting today, along with some other beautiful bloggers. Mary will weigh me on Wednesday so hopefully I'll see a significant drop by then. The first day is always the hardest so I'm trying to stay busy to keep my mind off food. To be honest part of me feels a bit weird supporting other peoples choice to fast. Part of me wants to say 'you don't need to fast, you are beautiful and perfect the way you are'. But I can't be a hypocrite and say it's alright for me to do it but it's not ok for you. I have an eating disorder but I don't consider myself pro-ana. I didn't choose to become anorexic although I choose not to pursue recovery. Maybe that does make me pro-ana. I don't know it's confusing. Do you consider yourself pro-ana? I am torn between wanting to do the right thing and my eating disorder. So why do I hang on to my eating disorder with a death grip. The truth is I don't know how to live without it. It's like me security blanket. It numbs me. it's there for me no matter what, it's what I'm good at. Other people have things that define them like they might be a great artist of an amazing singer. My defining characteristic is my eating disorder as sad as that is. Also as hard as it is to admit it my ed is a great excuse to opt out of life. I can't get a job because I have an eating disorder, I can't go to college because I have an eating disorder, I can't go out to dinner with you because I have an eating disorder, the list goes on and on. And why do I not want to do any of these things? It all boils down to a fear of failure. 

Fuck my life.

Fast is going well so far, am allowing myself tea with sweetener and that is all.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

Much lovexxx

Just back from seeing Mary. It went ok, she didn't weigh me. She said I really need to address the purging  but I just don't know how. I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom. After I've eaten I feel uncomfortably full to the point that it's painful and the anxiety is unbearable. All I can think is 'I have to get this food out, I can't stand this'. I have an irrational fear that the food won't move beyond my stomach and that it all just piles up in there. She asked me if I thought I had made progress. Truthfully I don't really think I have but I didn't want to say that so I said I thought I had made a little bit. I won't give up hope just yet though and I'll keep going to see her.

I'm heading to dancing soon. We're getting our photo taken tonight for the local newspaper so we're getting a bit dressed up. I'm wearing a black and grey dress from french connection, black tights and black heels. Our performance is next Saturday so the nerves are starting to kick in. I'll really miss it when it's all over though. Am thinking of starting zumba as I hear it's really good.

I'm so tired today. That probably has something to do with the fact that I was up 3 times in the night for a midnight feast. It's becoming a bit of a habit so I need to put a stop to it.

Hope you all are having a good day,

Lots of lovexxx

Methadone yay or nay?

I've been on a methadone programme for the past 7 years. This as basically a drug substitute, it's like a stepping stone between using drugs and being 100% clean. So being on the programme means I have to see my doctor every week for a urine test and stay clean. I started off on quite a high dose but am now down to quite a low dose with the goal to be completely off it by this christmas. This is a good thing but it also scares the shit out of me. Methadone helps with cravings so I'm afraid that when I'm off it that the cravings will come back. I would rather die than go back to a life of drug addiction. It's actually quite similar to my eating disorder just a different substance. Now there will be a lot of positives to coming of it eg my teeth. Methadone is a sickly sweet syrup and taking it everyday means it has affected my teeth badly. Also travelling is a pain and I'm often stopped by customs so I have to have a doctors letter with me. I suppose I'm scared of relapsing so I'll just have to be very careful over the next few months.

I didn't weigh this morning but think I will tomorrow morning. I'm seeing Mary very soon so I actually better go right now.

 Lots of lovexxx

Treatment

I had dance practise last night.  Really enjoy it. Our show is less than two weeks away now. I got my outfit, It's a black flapper dress complete with feather head band and cigarette holder. I don't know what I'll do after the show, I'll really miss the dancing. I'll have to find something to replace it. It was a really big deal for me to join this dance group as I'm not great at meeting new people but I really wanted to do it so I pushed past the anxiety. The only thing I'm worried about is that I've heard people say that after the show they're all going to get pissed. Now I don't drink and don't really go to pubs so I'm not sure how I'll handle that situation. We shall see.

Foodwise today I've b/p twice and hopefully that's the end of it. Didn't weigh this morning but definitely will tomorrow. I thought my jeans felt a little looser today or maybe I'm just getting used to them feeling tighter.

I was wondering if any of you out there in the blogosphere had been in inpatient treatment and if so how did you find it? I've been in treatment 3 times but never successfully finished the programme. The first 2 times I was discharged and the third time I left myself. I think there are pros and cons to inpatient. I found that I got quite competitive with the other girls and it became about who was the sickest. I think you really have to be so strong in inpatient not to get sucked in to this. But on the plus side it's a good kickstart to recovery. I suppose like any other addiction you have to really want it for yourself coz it doesn't seem to work if you do it for someone else. The last time I was in treatment I overheard 2 nurses taking  the piss out of me. I was devastated and ended up leaving. I played down how much it got to me but the truth was I felt so hurt. I would consider going back in but not until I'm 100% sure I'm dedicated to getting well. There's no point otherwise.

Hope you're all well,

Much lovexxx

F.E.A.R

 I  saw my eating disorder therapist Mary this morning. She gets me to write a food diary so basically I keep a record of what I eat and drink, the time, the place, whether I binged or purged and what my thoughts were. It's actually quite helpful. Last week I purged an average of four times a day which isn't great. We went through what my triggers are for bingeing (not sure that's the correct spelling) and the main ones are - eating on my own, eating in  front of the t.v, eating binge food, boredom and leaving it too long between eating. I told her weeks ago that I'd get rid of my scale and I still haven't done. To be honest I've no intention of doing it. She weighed me and I'm down 1lb on her scale. I was secretly overjoyed but did not tell her this. So my homework this week is to plan my day so I don't get bored and get the urge to b/p. We'll see how that goes.

I thought I would share a little bit of my past seeing how I've not posted about it yet. My troubles really started when I finished school although there had been events leading up to this. I remember doing my final exams and I just couldn't wait for them to be over. I remember walking out my school gates for the last time and it was a huge anticlimax. The freedom I had now was overwhelming, I didn't know what to do next. I decided I wanted to go travelling (10 years later I still haven't gone) so I took the first job that came my way. It was around my 18th birthday that my then boyfriend introduced me to heroin. I became addicted very quickly and soon my whole life turned upside down. Then my parents split up so my mother and I rented a house together. Of course my appetite decreased but I had no inkling that I was developing an eating disorder. At age 19 I went into hospital to do a detox, by this time I was purging as well as restricting. I remember a nurse sitting me down and telling me I had anorexia. I was floored and I didn't believe her. Looking back I was so in denial. I was meant to go on to a treatment centre but they wouldn't take me as I was too weak physically. So I went home and relapsed on drugs and continued to starve. The next 10 years are a blur, like a dream I can't quite remember. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and eating disorder 3 times. I'm clean now but my eating disorder is still rampant.

Fear stops me from getting better. Take away my ed and I'm not sure what's left. Me I suppose. I don't like me very much so that's not good. I honestly don't know how I would cope without it. It's like a job. I put in the work ie restricting and exercising and expect a nice fat pay cheque at the end of the week ie weight loss. There would be a huge ed shaped hole in my life and I'm not sure how I'd fill it.

Is anyone out there successfully in recovery?

Much love,

 Ruby tuesdayxxx

Moon baby

I didn't sleep last night.
Well I did but not until about 6am this morning. I hate you insomnia although it was my own fault for running out of meds.
It's a strange feeling being awake when everyone else is asleep. I felt like I was the only person in the whole world. Very lonely. The moon was amazing though.

I know I said I wasn't going to weigh til tomorrow but I just couldn't stand it any longer. I had to know what damage I had done. So at 4am this morning I tentatively stepped on my scales. I prepared myself for the worst, expecting to see 110lbs, maybe 108lbs if I'm lucky. I cannot tell you the relief when the scale read 102lbs. Thank you scale Gods! All is not lost. I honestly thought I had gained more than 5lbs. I guess it just goes to show that I can't trust how fat I feel or even trust the mirror. It's weird to think that I can't believe my own eyes. So I guess now it's back to obsessively weighing myself, after I eat, drink, pee, poop.......

I had my weekly appointment with Dr. Dark this morning. So I painted a smile on my face and went through the usual 'yes I'm fine thanks' routine. It's like I know him so well now that I don't want to disappoint him by telling him how I really am, what's really going on. How I'm hanging on by my finger nails, how I abuse the meds he prescribes me, how I would rather die than put on weight, how I'm so scared all the time. I think it would be easier to talk to a doctor who I don't know so well. Instead  I tell him I'm feeling well and making progress with Mary my therapist. I also tell him that I'm preparing for my upcoming dance show. He tells me that he used to do set dancing in college. I had to swallow a laugh as I had a mental image.

So today I plan to catch up on some much needed sleep and eat as little as possible.

Oh before I go just wanted to share this with you,

You tell on yourself,

By the friends you seek,
By the manner in which you speak,
By the way you employ your leisure time,
By the use you make of dollar or dime

You tell what you are
By the things you wear,
By the spirit in which your burdens you bear,
By the kind of things at which you laugh,
By the records you play on your phonograph

You can tell what you are
By the way you talk,
By the spring in your step in talking a walk,
By the manner in which you bear defeat,
By so simple a thing as what you eat

By the books you choose from a well defined shelf,
In these ways and more, you tell on yourself,
So there really is not a particle of sense,
in your efforts to keep up a false pretence.

I though that was so true.

Have a great day,

Much love,

 Ruby-tuesdayxxx