Dazed and confused

More like pissed off, angry and confused.
I was weighed twice this week, once by my doctor on Monday and yesterday by Mary. There was two kilos in the difference. I chose to believe the higher weight. I'm not going to post it because then that would make it real. I won't post it until I'm safely back in double digits. I'm not ready to stay over 100lbs just yet.

When Mary weighed me, again I bypasses disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger. Anger at Mary for weighing, anger at the stupid scale but most of all anger at myself for letting it happen. She said the weight gain would be slow and steady but it's not, it's fast and out of control. I was so close to just storming out of there but in fairness to Mary she handled the situation very well. She helped me to calm down and tried to make me see that it's just a number. Yes it's just a number but it's a powerful number. It dictates my mood, my self worth, my self esteem and so much more. I tried to explain to her that my ed is the only thing I have in my life. Other people have jobs, college, families and boyfriends, all I have is my eating disorder. Yes I have dancing but that's coming to an end tomorrow. She is trying to help me introduce other things in to my life but the truth is nothing interests me as much as losing weight. She spoke to me for an hour and a half and I did feel a little better but I was already plotting my next fast as she spoke.

I feel like I'm floating in between my ed and recovery, limbo. My body is craving weight gain but my mind craves bones. I'm not sure where to go from here. I don't want to eat, I just want to be thin again but maybe I am thin and I just can't see it. I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know.
I wish I could just make a decision and stick to it, either throw myself in to recovery or continue with my ed. I hate being in this wishy washy, no mans land place.

How are all of you? Hope you are having a better day than me.

Much love to youxxx

Diet pills and coffee

I know I said a few posts back that I wasn't going to take diet pills anymore but I've already binged and purged 2 times already and it's only lunchtime. Taking the pill is the only thing that stops my ravenous hunger in it's tracks. True it makes me feel like shit but that's the lesser of two evils at this point.

I'm going to see Mary in half an hour and that means the dreaded weigh in. The last time she weighed me I was down a bit but I have a feeling that won't be the case today. We shall see.

Had my second last dance practise last night, it really is coming together and I love my outfit, a1920'S black flapper dress complete with feather headband, boa and the mandatory cigarette holder (coz smoking is cool don't ya know)
So the group has got to know each other by this stage and we're all pretty comfortable around each other. That is apart from me. I feel like I'm socially handicapped these days. When I'm around a group of people I get all anxious and can't think of anything to say and usually end up saying something totally random and stupid. I find it especially hard around the girls as one of two subjects always come up. Weight and alcohol. Now I don't drink anymore (see alcohol and drug addiction age 18 - 23) so I really can't contribute to the 'how much did you drink at the weekend' conversation and people tend to interrogate me when I tell them I don't drink. Then there's the weight conversation. One girl told me she's trying to lose 10lbs. Cue me saying 'but you don't need to lose weight, your tiny'. I don't join in on the 'I need to lose weight' thing because it would just sound stupid because in their eyes I probably look like I don't need to lose weight. So yeah my social skills are pretty rusty, I usually think of something clever to say 10 minutes after the conversation has ended. Does that ever happen to you?

Yikes, I'm late, better go, wouldn't want to miss my weigh in.

Hope you are all well,

Lots of lovexxx

Having trouble following me?

Hey guys,

I think a couple of people are having trouble following me, if you are too can you let me know and I'll see if there's something wrong on my end.

Thanksxxx

Coincidence?

A couple of posts ago I wrote that I wished I had the courage to go back to my support group. The next day I received a text from an old friend, someone that I used to go to meetings with all the time and considered him a good friend. He also had pulled away from meetings and was texting to ask me if I wanted to go to a meeting with him, the thinking being that it would be easier to go together rather than alone. I pretty sure my ex-sponsor would say that that was my higher power at work, that there are no coincidences. Do I believe that?Well I guess it would be nice to think that someone or something heard my cry for help and intervened but the cynical side of me says it was just a coincidence. Either way I was glad to get the text. I can't get to a meeting this week because of the dancing but hopefully I'll meet my friend next week and get my ass to a meeting. But it got me thinking, do any of you believe in a higher power? Do you believe that someone is looking out for you? When I was in recovery I definitely believed and handed over my day every morning. It did help and it was a comfort. Now I'm so far away from recovery it's hard to believe I will ever get back there. But I have to, for my physical and mental health. True I have managed to stay away from drugs but I'm still abusing my meds so isn't that the same thing. Ay ay ay, my brain is fryed.  I f you were me would you go back to meetings? I'd love to know what you think.

In other news, my dance classes photo is in the local paper today so I'm going to collect it now. Exciting!!

Just got back from the shop, our photo is great although I thought I looked fat but that's nothing new. I can't quite believe that this dance show is going ahead on Saturday. Even though we've been preparing for it for the last two months I don't feel quite ready. There are 3 group dance and then a dance with our partner. Fingers crossed!!

I cancelled my appointment with Mary my therapist today to avoid being weighed. I know I'm just postponing the inevitable but I just can't face it, not today.

Hope you are all well,

Lots of lovexxx

I was reading 'Winters' last post, she wrote about how she is trying to  lose weight the healthy way.

This got me thinking about myself and the ways that I lose weight. I definitely don't lose weight the healthy way, in fact I think it's fair to say that I'm pretty self destructive in the ways I lose weight ie restricting, purging, laxatives and purging. I've always been self destructive starting with drug and alcohol addiction at 18, then my eating disorder took up where my drug addiction left off.

Also when I get blood tests done or have a bone scan or an ECG, part of me hopes that the results come back abnormal. Why? Because if I have abnormal results then that means I must have an eating disorder because a lot of the time I doubt I have an eating disorder at all. These results are proof that I have an ed and they are like trophies. I know that id totally weird right? Does anyone else  think like this?

That brings me to my next question, why don't I care enough about myself to look after my body? It is a temple after all. I'm not sure of the answer to this question. I'm sure having low self esteem doesn't help, not caring whether you live or die doesn't help, wanting to be thin no matter what doesn't help. I wish I had more respect for me and my body. My mother takes a cocktail of vitamins and supplements in the morning but it would never even occur to me to take them. I suppose I take my health for granted and never consider that someday it could give out on me. What about you, do you take your health in to consideration when trying to lose weight? I sure don't.and my body pays the price.

In other news, our dance show is in this Saturday so it's a busy week preparing for it. I'm nervous but excited. I'll definitely have to find something to replace it when it's over. Maybe another dance class or zumba.

Welcome new followers, thanks for following me.

Much lovexxx

Recovery, are you out there?

Monday is doctor day for me, to collect my meds and have a quick chat. He weighed me this morning which he rarely does, he was happy, I was not but I'm not even going there today. He asked me what I'm planning to do when my dancing comes to an end this weekend. I told him I wasn't sure but I would love to keep on dancing in some way. Doing the dancing has been great, it gives me something to do, something to work towards, it has improved my mood and my confidence. Then he said something really sweet, he said 'you have too much talent to be sitting at home all day'. That's my problem right there, I don't have the self confidence or belief in myself to go for my dreams, part of me thinks it's too late. It was nice to hear that he believes in me  though.

I've been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me and do I want it. As I said in my last post I want to want it. I deep down in my heart that no matter how low the numbers on the scale go it will never be enough. I know this because at 77lbs I still wasn't happy and still thought I was fat. Instead of being fat and miserable, I was skinny and miserable. Do any of you ever think about giving recovery a shot? What stops me is that I can't imagine eating three meals a day plus snacks and keeping it down. That scares the shit out of me. Also what does recovery mean to me? It's not just about gaining weight although that is part of it. Recovery to me means being comfortable in my own skin, accepting myself flaws and all inside and out, it means not being afraid of living in reality, it means meeting friends for lunch, going to the cinema and enjoying warm, salty popcorn, it means keeping my food and not going batshit crazy if I can't purge, it means having a full and rich life with family, friends, boyfriends, jobs, hobbies and fun, it means remembering how to laugh again and above all it means being ok with me no matter what weight I am.

This all sounds great so what is stopping me? I could just try it for 6 months and if I didn't like it I could always go back to my eating disorder. It just goes to show how powerful this illness is.

Hope you all are well,

Much lovexxx

Ana & Mia

I weighed this morning. I've gained. Enough to spin me into a black hole of depression.
I know it's because of my sleep binging, waking up a couple of times a night to have a midnight feast.
I disgust myself right now.

Why do I put myself through this? I could have chosen not to weigh this morning and I would have been none the wiser.
I wish I didn't measure my worth by the number on the scales. I wish you didn't either.
I wish I had enough self esteem to accept myself the way I am. I wish you did too.
I wish I wanted recovery. I wish you wanted it too.
I want to want to recover, if that makes sense.
I wish anorexia hadn't chosen me.
I wish I was comfortable in my own skin.
I wish I hadn't pushed all my friends away.
I wish I had the courage to go back to my support group.
I wish that I don't spend today binging and purging.

Fuck you ana.
Fuck you even harder mia.