Good morning lovelies,
I hope this post find you well today,
Thank you so much for your kind comments yesterday and your advice about my dress, I really do appreciate every comment and reader
I'm heading in to town today to look for a dress and I'll definitely keep your ideas in mind
I'm probably on my own here but I don't like shopping all that much, well I don't mind it but it's the trying on of clothes I don't like. A lot of the time I buy clothes on line so I can try them on at home. But I think it makes more sense to go to the shops for this dress because I do want to get it right. Wish me luck!
The dreaded night binging is driving me batshit crazy. I was up every 2 hours last night and it's just not right. Obviously it's disturbing my sleep and I'm wrecked during the day.
I'm blaming the fasting. I'm not eating enough during the day so I'm waking up in the night absolutely ravenous and then proceed to raid the cupboards and then purge.
I have a path worn from my kitchen to my bathroom.
So I'm abandoning my fast, it just doesn't work anymore. I have no other plan, just to eat enough so that I don't binge. I guess that's what most people do.
The heat was stifling as I was walking my dogs this morning. It reminded me of a summer I spent in London when I was 23. Before the summer I was living with my mother in a renter house as her and my father had separated a couple of years previously. By this stage I was a few years into my drug addiction. Things were chaotic to say the least. My mother was doing everything she could think of to get me to stop but to no avail.I wanted to stop but I didn't know how and the sickness and mental torture I felt when I didn't have drugs was too much to bear. My aunt in London came to my mother with an idea, she had heard of an outpatient service in the city that dealt with drug addicts. They detoxed the addict with a medicine called subutex and then implanted them with a device so that if the addict used they would get no affect off the drug. I know it sounds a little crazy but we were desperate. I agreed to going mostly because I just couldn't carry on the way I was and I needed a break.
So off we went to London and the next morning I had my first appointment. I remember the Dr's name was Dr Kindness. He prescribed me the subutex and also prescribed me valium and another med I can't remember the name of. This surprised me because valium is highly addictive but I went along with it.
The detox was relatively straightforward, I guess because I had valium and sleepers and I also drank heavily.
Then came time for the implant. They implanted the devise into my hip and it released a drug called naltraxone into my system over a 6 month period meaning if I used heroin in the next 6 months it would have no effect. Soon after I heard that a place in treatment had come up for me at home so I travelled back and went as soon as I could. I will save the treatment story for another day. But did the implant work?
Well it kept me in treatment for 6 months but after almost 6 months to the day I used again, the drugs had no effect and in fact the implant worked for almost a year, that didn't stop me trying though.
I have since found out that Dr Kindness and his team of implanters were closed down because they were prescribing too liberally. Go figure.
So yea the heat this morning reminded me of that summer in London, I spent most of it in a drugged up stupor but strangely I have fond memories of that summer, weird I know.
On that note I will leave you with my alltime favourite joke,
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lightbulb has to want to change itself
Thank you very much, I'm here all night. lol!
Anyway time to go dress shopping, I hope you enjoyed this installment of a day in the life of a messed up girl.
Enjoy your Saturday,
Much love to you xxx
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Friday, 1 June 2012
Happily ever after?
Hello my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
I can't believe it's June already, my cousins wedding abroad is less than two months away and I still have no dress, no shoes, nothing.
I'm not great at putting clothes together so I need your help. I'm 5'4, small frame, my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the wedding. The wedding is in Italy so it will be hot, do you have any suggestions of what I should wear. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
What I really wanted to write about today is relationships or boyfriends. I gather from reading your blogs that a lot of you are in relationships and some are married. I myself am single and have been for a long time. I had my first serious boyfriend at age 17 and we were together for about 6 years. We both became addicted to drugs though so it was not like a normal relationship. We were more like partners in crime, we didn't go on dates or meet each others family. We used drugs and that was about it. I had a couple of flings after that but because I had stopped drinking by this point it was harder to meet people.
My next boyfriend I met in drug treatment (I know very classy) Nothing happened while we were in treatment but me hooked up when we had both left. It was amazing how many people actually got together while actually in treatment. People were secretly meeting up in the middle of the night to get it on. I think because we were all living together in close quarters and all those hormones flying about the place contributed to this.
So I met this guy who I will call John. There was a spark between us and we both could feel it. Because I couldn't go near him (no physical contact allowed) it made me want him all the more. Nothing happened between us and I left treatment first. He then left and we met up the first chance we got. He lived on the east coast and I lived in the west coast so I booked a b&b and planned to stay the night. It was pretty awkward at first and our first kiss was sweet but clumsy. We were both so awkward that we decided to go for a drink (bad idea for two addicts) so be basically relapsed that night.
I continued to see him, going to his place one weekend and mine the next and neither of us were going to meetings. Eventually the inevitable happened and we ended up using one night. That was it then, we were both back on drugs.
Things went from bad to worse and there was one terrifying night when John overdosed in my house ans I had to call an ambulance. We both knew things couldn't continue like this so in the end the relationship fizzled out.
So I guess I've never really been in a relationship clean and sober. My eating disorder also contributes to me being single for so long. There is a guy who comes to do some jobs around my house and he expressed interest in me and we even went on a few dates. He tried to kiss me once but I just don't have any feelings for him. He is kind, sweet and an all around good guy but the feelings just aren't there. But even he has found someone else now and is engaged to be married.
I guess what I'm trying to sat is I envy those who are in loving relationships. I am at the age where people normally settle down, get married and have kids but when have I ever been normal?
I don't even know if I want to get married but maybe that would change if I met the right person. Not to sound too cheesy but I suppose I have to get to know and love myself before I can love someone else. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone at the wedding.
Oh, remember I posted a couple of days ago that I was tempted to steal a pair of sunglasses from the chemist, well I had to go there again today and I' ashamed to tell you that I took them.
I'm beyond disgusted with myself.
I wasn't even going to admit to it but I have to be honest about my dishonesty. Wow, that's a complete contradiction but you see what I mean.
And the stupid thing is I don't even need sunglasses, I have plenty of sunglasses. I could have bought them, they were 45euros.
I swear I need my head examined, this is getting out of hand. It used to be just food but now it's other items like jewellry or makeup, all things I don't want or need.
I feel like I have let you and myself down and I really think I need to tell Mary about this before I get caught.
The embarrassment and the shame don't bear thinking about.
Thanks for reading this, any advice greatly appreciated,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
I can't believe it's June already, my cousins wedding abroad is less than two months away and I still have no dress, no shoes, nothing.
I'm not great at putting clothes together so I need your help. I'm 5'4, small frame, my hair is brown now but will be blonde for the wedding. The wedding is in Italy so it will be hot, do you have any suggestions of what I should wear. Any ideas greatly appreciated.
What I really wanted to write about today is relationships or boyfriends. I gather from reading your blogs that a lot of you are in relationships and some are married. I myself am single and have been for a long time. I had my first serious boyfriend at age 17 and we were together for about 6 years. We both became addicted to drugs though so it was not like a normal relationship. We were more like partners in crime, we didn't go on dates or meet each others family. We used drugs and that was about it. I had a couple of flings after that but because I had stopped drinking by this point it was harder to meet people.
My next boyfriend I met in drug treatment (I know very classy) Nothing happened while we were in treatment but me hooked up when we had both left. It was amazing how many people actually got together while actually in treatment. People were secretly meeting up in the middle of the night to get it on. I think because we were all living together in close quarters and all those hormones flying about the place contributed to this.
So I met this guy who I will call John. There was a spark between us and we both could feel it. Because I couldn't go near him (no physical contact allowed) it made me want him all the more. Nothing happened between us and I left treatment first. He then left and we met up the first chance we got. He lived on the east coast and I lived in the west coast so I booked a b&b and planned to stay the night. It was pretty awkward at first and our first kiss was sweet but clumsy. We were both so awkward that we decided to go for a drink (bad idea for two addicts) so be basically relapsed that night.
I continued to see him, going to his place one weekend and mine the next and neither of us were going to meetings. Eventually the inevitable happened and we ended up using one night. That was it then, we were both back on drugs.
Things went from bad to worse and there was one terrifying night when John overdosed in my house ans I had to call an ambulance. We both knew things couldn't continue like this so in the end the relationship fizzled out.
So I guess I've never really been in a relationship clean and sober. My eating disorder also contributes to me being single for so long. There is a guy who comes to do some jobs around my house and he expressed interest in me and we even went on a few dates. He tried to kiss me once but I just don't have any feelings for him. He is kind, sweet and an all around good guy but the feelings just aren't there. But even he has found someone else now and is engaged to be married.
I guess what I'm trying to sat is I envy those who are in loving relationships. I am at the age where people normally settle down, get married and have kids but when have I ever been normal?
I don't even know if I want to get married but maybe that would change if I met the right person. Not to sound too cheesy but I suppose I have to get to know and love myself before I can love someone else. Who knows, maybe I'll meet someone at the wedding.
Oh, remember I posted a couple of days ago that I was tempted to steal a pair of sunglasses from the chemist, well I had to go there again today and I' ashamed to tell you that I took them.
I'm beyond disgusted with myself.
I wasn't even going to admit to it but I have to be honest about my dishonesty. Wow, that's a complete contradiction but you see what I mean.
And the stupid thing is I don't even need sunglasses, I have plenty of sunglasses. I could have bought them, they were 45euros.
I swear I need my head examined, this is getting out of hand. It used to be just food but now it's other items like jewellry or makeup, all things I don't want or need.
I feel like I have let you and myself down and I really think I need to tell Mary about this before I get caught.
The embarrassment and the shame don't bear thinking about.
Thanks for reading this, any advice greatly appreciated,
Much love to you xxx
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Update
Just thought I'd let you know how I got on with Mary.
She has suggested that my mother come in for a session so she can see what we're working on and also so she can speak to Mary to voice her concerns or maybe just to vent. So I told my mother this and she is very willing to do that. This will probably happen next week.
I also decided to tell Mary about me abusing my meds, it was a big deal for me to tell her as I've never told anyone before, the only person who knows is my mother. I remember my ex-sponsor telling me that we are as sick as our secrets and this was one secret I was glad to get off my chest. She was very understanding and didn't judge me. She is also encouraging me to find more things to do now that the dancing is over so I'm considering joining a zumba class, I've heard it's pretty good.
Usually Mary weighs me right at the start of the session so by now I thought I had got away with it and she had forgotten but no such luck. I was up 0.4kg. I knew this anyway so it wasn't a shock. I mentioned I was starting a fast in my last post and I'm starting it properly tomorrow as I binged and purged today.
So that's it for another day in the life of this messed up girl,
Much love xxx
She has suggested that my mother come in for a session so she can see what we're working on and also so she can speak to Mary to voice her concerns or maybe just to vent. So I told my mother this and she is very willing to do that. This will probably happen next week.
I also decided to tell Mary about me abusing my meds, it was a big deal for me to tell her as I've never told anyone before, the only person who knows is my mother. I remember my ex-sponsor telling me that we are as sick as our secrets and this was one secret I was glad to get off my chest. She was very understanding and didn't judge me. She is also encouraging me to find more things to do now that the dancing is over so I'm considering joining a zumba class, I've heard it's pretty good.
Usually Mary weighs me right at the start of the session so by now I thought I had got away with it and she had forgotten but no such luck. I was up 0.4kg. I knew this anyway so it wasn't a shock. I mentioned I was starting a fast in my last post and I'm starting it properly tomorrow as I binged and purged today.
So that's it for another day in the life of this messed up girl,
Much love xxx
What goes down must come up
Good morning my lovelies,
I hope this post finds you well today,
The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.
I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too, my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.
I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?
Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.
Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
I hope this post finds you well today,
The hot weather has broken here, mist hangs heavily on the mountains.
I'm seeing Mary today, no doubt she will weigh me. I don't need her to though, I already know the damage.
I'm up almost a pound. It;s hard enough to weigh when I'm alone never mind when I have an audience.
The gain sucks, I was almost back at my safe weight too, my body is like 'nooooooooo I won't lose weight, I won't do it' like a small child in a tantrum. I think it's time for a good old fashioned fast, yes why not, let's do it.
I had a thought yesterday and it struck fear into my heart. What if I'm like this forever? What if I never get well.
I thought about my parents. I moved back in with my mother about 5 years ago and I'm very much dependent on her and my dad who lives about an hour away. They are both in their 60's and not getting any younger and I thought what will happen to me if they're gone and I'm still sick. What if they never get to see me well and I never get to repay them for all they've done for me. My mother had a serious talk with me recently, she told me that when they die they are going to appoint a carer to look after me. I was shocked and I didn't feel it was necessary but I guess the truth is I would need someone to help me. It scares the shit out of me that I might end up completely alone with this illness, that's exactly what anorexia wants, for me to be alone and sick, she wants me dead I think. My weight is not critically low at the moment but I don't think it's as much about the weight as the mental state I'm in. I was equally sick at 130lbs as I was at 77lbs. It's unimaginable to think I might rot away here on my own with this illness. You would think that this would motivate me to get well and yet here I am starting another fast. Ay ay ay
But my parents shouldn't have to look after me, I'm a grown woman ( even if I do feel like a child) I'm the one who should be looking after them. Do any of you feel like this?
Sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so depressing but I just had to get that out of my head. What I really wanted to know is if you consider yourself ill or is this a choice you've made?
I sometimes get confused with this question, I know I didn't invite anorexia in to my life, I wasn't even aware I had it for the first year. But I have made the choice to trigger myself and to relapse if that makes sense.
I look at eating disorder programmes and read books deliberately to trigger myself to lose weight.
Bulimia is a tricky one, obviously I made the choice to purge the first time but now it feels out of my control.
I binge and purge and it feels like I'm possessed, that's not to take the responsibility away from me but that's the way it feels.
Anyway I digress.
I'm off to meet Mary so I will let you know how I get on,
Wish me luck,
Much love to you xxx
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Regrets, I've had a few
My name is Ruby and I'm a kleptomaniac.
Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for it...............dog food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!
But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.
Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Much love,
Ruby xxx
Maybe that's an exaggeration but it sure feels like that sometimes. I was in my local shop this morning and I shop lifted wait for it...............dog food. WTF Ruby?
I have no idea why I did this, I had money so it wasn't lack of funds. I fear it is now an addiction, the feeling of walking out of the shop is a real adrenaline rush. But I am not naive, I know I will be caught eventually and I live in a small town so it would be humiliating. I need to get this behaviour under control and fast. Help!!
But what I really wanted to write about today was regrets. If you could go back in time would you change anything about your life? When I was younger I would have jumped at the chance to change alot of things but today I'm not so sure. Yes drug addiction and ed have had devastating consequences on my life but they have also had good effects on my life as weird as that sounds, the number one thing being the people I have met along the way. The people I have met in treatment centres and hospitals have been the kindest, most caring, talented and sensitive people I have ever met and I would not have met these people otherwise. Also the people I've met through this blog and over the internet have been so supportive and I'm blessed to have found you. My illness have made me the person I am today and on the whole I do try to be a good person and do the right thing (excluding shoplifting). I'd like to think I'm a caring person who does her bit to help others.
The one thing that I would like to change is the stress and worry I've caused my family. They have endured more than their fair share of hurt and pain. I suppose I can right that by giving them peace of mind today although I know they still worry alot. Apart from that I don't think I would change anything, I do believe that everything happens for a reason even if the reason isn't always clear at first. I'd love to know if you would change anything given the chance.
My weight was down this morning, only slightly but it's still moving in the right direction. I'm considering posting some photos. Would anyone be interested in seeing them? It would be a huge thing for me to do that but I'd be willing if people would like to see them. I know I haven't posted my weight in a few weeks but I will be posting it very soon. I was also wondering what you consider skinny, do you have a fixed goal weight for yourself? Or is it a moving target like mine. My lowest ever weight was 77lbs and I would love to break that weight even if it is just by a pound of two. When I was at that weight I had no idea how skinny I was but looking back at photos I looked ill, like an old woman. Losing weight was so easy back then and I think it gets harder to starve the older I get, it must be that my body is fighting back and won't let me fast.
Anyway, hope this post finds you all happy and healthy,
Much love,
Ruby xxx
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Where did it all start?
Hello my dears,
I hope you are all well today,
As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.
Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.
I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.
What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,
Do you think it is genetic?
I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.
Have lovely Tuesday,
Much love x
I hope you are all well today,
As I was walking my dogs this morning I pondered this question. I thought back to when I was a child and I do remember loving my food. I had certain ways of eating things and had little rituals and rules. My family often commented on my healthy appetite and I hated this. I was a very active child, I was in the local swimming club and also did ballet and jazz. I guess being so active gave me the freedom of eating what I liked. I remember clearly the first time someone commented on my weight. It was my ballet teacher and she told me I was losing too much weight. I can still remember the thrill I. Being in a class where all anyone is wearing is a leotard and tights is definitely triggering. Then as I started in high school I became more and more aware of my body and shape and my bestfriend was obsessed with losing weight. So there were things in childhood that could have contributed to my ed but it wasn't until I was 18 that it started to get serious. By 18 I was well on my way to becoming a heroin addict and I was eating less and less. Food just wasn't a priority anymore. My eating disorder was developing along side my drug addiction but I wasn't even aware of it.
Age 19 and my parents signed me into hospital to do a drug detox, I was 84lbs. One day one of the nurses sat me down and told me I had anorexia. I lost it saying there was no way I was anorexic and she was totally wrong. I could barely endure being a drug addict let alone having an eating disorder and I didn't want to worry my parents even more. Looking back it was obvious I had an ed but denial is a powerful thing. I was supposed to go treatment after my hospital stay but they wouldn't accept me as I was not physically strong enough. I relapsed the day I got out of hospital. Over the next few years both addictions were rife and life was becoming unbearable.
I was also wondering if genetics have a part to play in your chances of developing an ed. Looking at my own family I would think yes. My dad has 9 brothers and sisters and all of them have an addiction of some sort including 2 with eating disorders. Also my 2 older sisters and my dad were all alcoholics although they are all sober now. This would seem to suggest that I was predisposed to developing an eating disorders and that my environment and experiences also played a part.
What contributed to you developing your eating disorder? Was it an offhand comment someone made?
Or maybe it was a diet that went out of control,
Do you think it is genetic?
I'm inching ever closer to a place where I will be happy to post my weight and am even considering posting some pictures.
Have lovely Tuesday,
Much love x
Monday, 28 May 2012
In my skin
Good morning my dears,
I hope this post finds you happy and healthy.
It's another scorcher here today, we don't quite know what's hit us as we usually have pretty cold weather. Everyone is decked out in minimal clothing and sunburn. I like the idea of hot weather but when it's here I find it a bit much. God, I'm such a complainer, never bloody happy. Just enjoy it Ruby!
I walked my dogs on the beach which was beautiful even if I did feel like I was going to pass out. Also saw my doctor, a short and sweet visit, just the way I like it.
Last night being Sunday I didn't sleep at all. This is my own fault for not rationing my meds properly. Today I would usually take the day off and sleep the day away in a drug induced slumber. But because of my killing the laptop last Monday my mother had a stern talk with me about taking my meds properly so I promised her I would take them as I am supposed to. I've kept my word, I don't want to worry her even more and I can't afford to kill another laptop. It feels good to do the right thing.
During the night I was thinking about the support group I used to go to and the friends I had, I miss them. But I can't seem to find the courage or the confidence to go back or even call one of them I've been in and out of this support group (narcotics anonymous) for the last 6 years and if I do go back I want to be 100% sure that I am committed to recovery and really give it a chance. I 'm not great at moving outside of my comfort zone and anything that causes me anxiety I usually run in the opposite direction. I'm quite shy until you get to know me and I am only truly myself around a handful of people. Around everyone else I wear a variety of masks and disguises .
This got me thinking back to times in my life when I was truly comfortable in my own skin and the times that jump out are the times I was in treatment. I've been in drug treatment 3 times and also eating disorder treatment times. The ed treatment I was in was in a psychiatric hospital but it was not a typical hospital that has stark rooms, cold hallways and very ill people wandering around. This hospital was comfortable and quite plush. Everyone had their own room and bathroom and they were like little apartments. Needless to say it was ridiculously expensive and I was very fortunate that my parents had health insurance. Our ward was mixed so there were people with all kinds of conditions like depression, anxiety and bipolar. My first time there I was inpatient for four months although I was eventually discharged for not continuing to gain weight. There was something so refreshing about being around people whose problems, conditions, illness were out in the open. People spoke freely about their illness, insecurities, fears and much more. I identified with these people so much and I truly felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt ok to be me warts and all. I could cry, vent, get angry, throw tantrums and no one judged me one bit. It was such an amazing feeling to be free to be me. Now there were some down sides to inpatient. I sometimes found myself in competition with other girls to be the thinnest or the sickest. I also learned a lot more about how to lose weight etc. I also had run ins with certain nurses but I will save those stories for another time. I met true friends in treatment, friends I am still in touch with. I suppose you go through so much together, you see each other at their lowest and then you see them blossom. It's strange to think that one of the only places I felt completely comfortable in my own skin was in a psychiatric hospital but it is true. Have any of you been in hospital or treatment? How did you find it? But treatment began to be counterproductive as I used it as an escape rather than a place to get well. I wouldn't rule it out if I got that bad again but I think outpatient can be just as helpful.
So that's my goal, to be comfortable in my own skin no matter where I am or who I'm with and no matter what size I am.
Oh yeah, I was in the chemist this morning collecting my meds and I was having a look around. I saw a lovely pair of purple pepe jeans sun glasses that would be perfect for my Italy trip. I have to confess that I almost popped them into my pocket. I used to shoplift regularly from this chemist, I have a bag of jewellry and make up that I neither want or need. I stopped when one day I was sure I had been seen and promised myself never again. I spent days worrying that I was going to get a visit form the guards. Shoplifting is an addiction for me too. I would never steal from another person but shops are hard to resist. I wouldn't get away with this in any other country but security seems to be lax here. I'm so glad now that I didn't take them as getting caught does not bear thinking about.
I'm fasting today and tomorrow, I just want to feel clean and empty so it's coffee and cigarettes for me.
I hope you all are well today and thanks for the comments on my last post,
Much love x
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