I wrote an article for Libero Network
Libero Network is a non profit, on line magazine that deals with eating disorders
Basically the article is a short version of my story
I'd love to know what you think of it so feel free to leave comments,
Here's the link -
www.liberonetwork.com/lather-rinse-repeat
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
Monday, 3 September 2012
Trolls, Haters, Bullies
Has anyone else been following the Charlotte Dawson story?
Many of you will know Charlotte as the presenter of 'Australia's Next Top Model'
I don't watch this show and I don't know much about Charlotte but this story really shocked me
She has been the victim of a vicious hate campaign on Twitter which culminated with her attempting suicide on Wednesday
Just before posting this I checked out Charlotte's Twitter and I was gobsmacked by what I read
Literally hundreds, probably thousands of tweets such as 'Do the world a favour and just hang yourself'
'Go put your face in a toaster'
'Hang yourself in front of your friends and watch as they don't care'
Charlotte replied to many of the disgusting tweets and tried admirably to defend herself but it obviously got too much for her and she left a disturbing tweet on Wednesday night simply saying 'You win x'
I am happy to report that after a few days in hospital Charlotte is fine and gave an interview telling her side of the story
Having only been writing this blog for a couple of months, I thankfully have not experienced any hate but I know other bloggers who have
It baffles me why someone would take the time to actively hate on someone else, to write hurtful comments, to stalk and to try and make someone elses life a misery
These people have far too much time on their hands
And how strange to have the balls to write these comments but be so cowardly they have to do it anonymously
A troll is just another name for a bully and I've met my fair share of those in my time
Apart from my father who bullied each of his children mercilessly, I have been dealing with different versions of the same bully my entire life
My first encounter was as a young child when a boy in my class took it upon himself to try and torment my every waking moment
His favourite taunt was to call me a slut
Bear in mind I was little more than 10 years old and barely knew the meaning of the word
I can still remember crying at night, dreading the next day in school
It didn't occur to me to tell anyone, I was shy and timid
Every night I would cry myself to sleep knowing what was in store the next day
Everyday was a fresh hell
Tellingly the same boy tried to get me to go out with him a couple of years later
I met this boy about 10 years later in a night club
He tried to talk to me and I took great pleasure in giving him an up and down look and walking off
He'll never know how he made my life a living nightmare
My next encounter with bullies was in secondary school
My mother was teaching at another secondary school, a school that had a rough reputation
Everyday walking home from school I crossed paths with a group of girls
Again it wasn't too serious, they called me names and pushed me around
I suppose I was a target because I was a teachers child
I never tried to stand up for myself, I was too afraid, I never knew what these girls were going to do next
As a child it's so confusing to be a target of bullies
You haven't done anything wrong
You haven't provoked this behaviour
So why again and again are we a target
I made up my mind very quickly that there must be something wrong with me
I must be a bad person
I must be weak
I must have done something to deserve this
Why else would I warrant this behaviour
This fed in to my already low self esteem and so started a long career of self hatred
After my second experience of bullying I decided to change my own behaviour
I went from being mild and meek to brash and abrasive in an attempt to avoid bullies
I was loud and obnoxious to try and protect myself
It worked for a while but I couldn't keep up the pretence forever
My natural personality is more quiet than loud and so trying to be this other person was exhausting
In my adult life I have also been bullied
While I was addicted to heroin, my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with his uncle on and off
His uncle was paralysed and in a wheel chair and depended on my boyfriend and I
He used to take pleasure in making lewd comments about me and to me
He withheld drugs when he knew I was sick
Again I put up with this disgusting behaviour as I had no where else to go and was afraid he'd kick me out
My last experience with bullies was in the work place
It was a few years ago and was my first job after getting clean off drugs
I was (and still am) on a methadone programme and was eager to make a new life
I got a job as a receptionist in a hotel in my town
I was keen to make a good impression and was determined to put my old life behind me
I started work along with another new girl
The girl who was training us in took an instant dislike to me and didn't try to hide it
She was super nice to the other girl while barely acknowledging me
At first I thought I was imagining it
But as time went on I couldn't deny her hostility
She would make jokes and sneer and was generally nasty to me
Being on a methadone programme I used to collect my methadone at the chemist before work and always left the bottle in my bag
One day I went to my bag for something and saw that it had been moved and it looked like someone had been through it
I thought no more about it until the next day when I received a voice mail telling me that my services were no longer needed at the hotel
I was never given an explanation as to why I was let go but I suspect that this girl saw the methadone bottle in my bag and told the management
This shook my confidence to no end and it was a long time before I applied for any more jobs
I was also bullied by a nurse when I was in hospital
But again I played down how much it hurt me and didn't tell the programme director how much it had affected me
I ended up leaving hospital because I couldn't get my head around what this nurse had done
She was in a position of authority and she abused it
I blamed myself as she was nice to everyone else
She is also the reason I have avoided treatment since
This had been one of the hardest to comes to terms with as I was in a very vulnerable place and this so called nurse knew that
She was younger than me and very immature but this does not excuse her behaviour
It was supposed to be a safe place where I could get well but she saw to it that it wasn't
She took over the programme for a week while the other person was on holiday and it was then that I chose to walk
How could I be honest and open up to someone who I knew would just take the piss after the group was over
I've since told my mother how much this truly affected me and I probably should have made more of a fuss at the time but standing up to bullies is not easy especially if you are are already vulnerable
There was also another nurse who was a borderline bully
I often asked myself why?
Why me?
What was I doing that people felt the need to bully me and hate me
You can't get any more personal than to be bullied just for being you
I'm sure Charlotte Dawson asked herself the same question
Bulling, trolling, abusing, call it what you will, does untold damage
If you are like me you probably remember the negative things people have said about you rather than the positives
The names I have been called have been etched in my mind forever
Bullies often target people who are different in some way and then we begin to believe that being different is wrong
As a result of bullying I tried so hard to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted
I repressed any desire to break free and be myself and tried to like everyone else
I remember being a teenager and wanting to dress a certain way
But because I was afraid to be different I went with the crowd and blended in
Now as an adult I see things very differently
Now I can see that it is our differences that make us interesting
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are
That make our friends and families love us all the more
As an adult I have embraced different
I dress the way I want
I wear my hair the way I want
I don't give a second thought as to whether someone else will like it or not
So why do bullies and haters feel the need to spread hate?
To be honest I'm not quite sure of the answer to this one
I do however believe that people are the way they are for a reason
Maybe they are insecure
Maybe they have to put someone else down to make themselves feel good
Maybe they are jealous
Maybe they are just nasty people
Who knows?
I feel sorry for them
The internet has spawned a new breed of bullies
The so called trolls
Now they have the added advantage of being able to hate anonymously
Faceless, they can say what they want to who they want
They hide in their bedrooms, behind computer screens and abuse, hate and bully
I'm all for free speech but there is a line and some people just don't know when to stop
The trolls that victimized Charlotte Dawson almost got what they wanted
I hope they think twice before they decide to send death threat to anyone else
I was wondering if any of you have been the victim of a bully, troll or stalker on line
How has it affected you?
Many of you will know Charlotte as the presenter of 'Australia's Next Top Model'
I don't watch this show and I don't know much about Charlotte but this story really shocked me
She has been the victim of a vicious hate campaign on Twitter which culminated with her attempting suicide on Wednesday
Just before posting this I checked out Charlotte's Twitter and I was gobsmacked by what I read
Literally hundreds, probably thousands of tweets such as 'Do the world a favour and just hang yourself'
'Go put your face in a toaster'
'Hang yourself in front of your friends and watch as they don't care'
Charlotte replied to many of the disgusting tweets and tried admirably to defend herself but it obviously got too much for her and she left a disturbing tweet on Wednesday night simply saying 'You win x'
I am happy to report that after a few days in hospital Charlotte is fine and gave an interview telling her side of the story
Having only been writing this blog for a couple of months, I thankfully have not experienced any hate but I know other bloggers who have
It baffles me why someone would take the time to actively hate on someone else, to write hurtful comments, to stalk and to try and make someone elses life a misery
These people have far too much time on their hands
And how strange to have the balls to write these comments but be so cowardly they have to do it anonymously
A troll is just another name for a bully and I've met my fair share of those in my time
Apart from my father who bullied each of his children mercilessly, I have been dealing with different versions of the same bully my entire life
My first encounter was as a young child when a boy in my class took it upon himself to try and torment my every waking moment
His favourite taunt was to call me a slut
Bear in mind I was little more than 10 years old and barely knew the meaning of the word
I can still remember crying at night, dreading the next day in school
It didn't occur to me to tell anyone, I was shy and timid
Every night I would cry myself to sleep knowing what was in store the next day
Everyday was a fresh hell
Tellingly the same boy tried to get me to go out with him a couple of years later
I met this boy about 10 years later in a night club
He tried to talk to me and I took great pleasure in giving him an up and down look and walking off
He'll never know how he made my life a living nightmare
My next encounter with bullies was in secondary school
My mother was teaching at another secondary school, a school that had a rough reputation
Everyday walking home from school I crossed paths with a group of girls
Again it wasn't too serious, they called me names and pushed me around
I suppose I was a target because I was a teachers child
I never tried to stand up for myself, I was too afraid, I never knew what these girls were going to do next
As a child it's so confusing to be a target of bullies
You haven't done anything wrong
You haven't provoked this behaviour
So why again and again are we a target
I made up my mind very quickly that there must be something wrong with me
I must be a bad person
I must be weak
I must have done something to deserve this
Why else would I warrant this behaviour
This fed in to my already low self esteem and so started a long career of self hatred
After my second experience of bullying I decided to change my own behaviour
I went from being mild and meek to brash and abrasive in an attempt to avoid bullies
I was loud and obnoxious to try and protect myself
It worked for a while but I couldn't keep up the pretence forever
My natural personality is more quiet than loud and so trying to be this other person was exhausting
In my adult life I have also been bullied
While I was addicted to heroin, my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with his uncle on and off
His uncle was paralysed and in a wheel chair and depended on my boyfriend and I
He used to take pleasure in making lewd comments about me and to me
He withheld drugs when he knew I was sick
Again I put up with this disgusting behaviour as I had no where else to go and was afraid he'd kick me out
My last experience with bullies was in the work place
It was a few years ago and was my first job after getting clean off drugs
I was (and still am) on a methadone programme and was eager to make a new life
I got a job as a receptionist in a hotel in my town
I was keen to make a good impression and was determined to put my old life behind me
I started work along with another new girl
The girl who was training us in took an instant dislike to me and didn't try to hide it
She was super nice to the other girl while barely acknowledging me
At first I thought I was imagining it
But as time went on I couldn't deny her hostility
She would make jokes and sneer and was generally nasty to me
Being on a methadone programme I used to collect my methadone at the chemist before work and always left the bottle in my bag
One day I went to my bag for something and saw that it had been moved and it looked like someone had been through it
I thought no more about it until the next day when I received a voice mail telling me that my services were no longer needed at the hotel
I was never given an explanation as to why I was let go but I suspect that this girl saw the methadone bottle in my bag and told the management
This shook my confidence to no end and it was a long time before I applied for any more jobs
I was also bullied by a nurse when I was in hospital
But again I played down how much it hurt me and didn't tell the programme director how much it had affected me
I ended up leaving hospital because I couldn't get my head around what this nurse had done
She was in a position of authority and she abused it
I blamed myself as she was nice to everyone else
She is also the reason I have avoided treatment since
This had been one of the hardest to comes to terms with as I was in a very vulnerable place and this so called nurse knew that
She was younger than me and very immature but this does not excuse her behaviour
It was supposed to be a safe place where I could get well but she saw to it that it wasn't
She took over the programme for a week while the other person was on holiday and it was then that I chose to walk
How could I be honest and open up to someone who I knew would just take the piss after the group was over
I've since told my mother how much this truly affected me and I probably should have made more of a fuss at the time but standing up to bullies is not easy especially if you are are already vulnerable
There was also another nurse who was a borderline bully
I often asked myself why?
Why me?
What was I doing that people felt the need to bully me and hate me
You can't get any more personal than to be bullied just for being you
I'm sure Charlotte Dawson asked herself the same question
Bulling, trolling, abusing, call it what you will, does untold damage
If you are like me you probably remember the negative things people have said about you rather than the positives
The names I have been called have been etched in my mind forever
Bullies often target people who are different in some way and then we begin to believe that being different is wrong
As a result of bullying I tried so hard to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted
I repressed any desire to break free and be myself and tried to like everyone else
I remember being a teenager and wanting to dress a certain way
But because I was afraid to be different I went with the crowd and blended in
Now as an adult I see things very differently
Now I can see that it is our differences that make us interesting
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are
That make our friends and families love us all the more
As an adult I have embraced different
I dress the way I want
I wear my hair the way I want
I don't give a second thought as to whether someone else will like it or not
So why do bullies and haters feel the need to spread hate?
To be honest I'm not quite sure of the answer to this one
I do however believe that people are the way they are for a reason
Maybe they are insecure
Maybe they have to put someone else down to make themselves feel good
Maybe they are jealous
Maybe they are just nasty people
Who knows?
I feel sorry for them
The internet has spawned a new breed of bullies
The so called trolls
Now they have the added advantage of being able to hate anonymously
Faceless, they can say what they want to who they want
They hide in their bedrooms, behind computer screens and abuse, hate and bully
I'm all for free speech but there is a line and some people just don't know when to stop
The trolls that victimized Charlotte Dawson almost got what they wanted
I hope they think twice before they decide to send death threat to anyone else
How has it affected you?
Sunday, 2 September 2012
The weekend In Photos
 |
| My local beach |
 |
| Copy Cat Banksy Artist In My Town |
 |
| An Irish Persons Mantra! |
 |
| My Old Ballet Shoes |
 |
| You Can't beat a nice cup of tea with your ma! |
 |
| Lea strutting her stuff on the beach |
 |
| Lea running to attack Honey |
 |
| Cooling off in a rock pool |
 |
| Quality time with my best girl |
 |
| Quality time with my other best girl |
 |
| Working hard! |
 |
| Cup of tea and a smoke at the end of the day |
Friday, 31 August 2012
Peter Pan Syndrome
I saw Mary yesterday
I hadn't seen her in almost 3 months
Even though I had already weighed myself at the weekend and knew the number, I was still anxious to have her weigh me
I hadn't even sat down when she gestured to the scale
I took off my hoodie and boots as if they would make a difference
I stared straight ahead as she made note of the number
I was dying to know the number but I didn't look
So we talked about the last couple of months
I told her about Italy, Cork, swimming in the sea and horse riding
The last time I saw Mary I had been purge free for 2 weeks, had stopped abusing my meds and had stopped shop lifting
Unfortunately I didn't keep up these positive changes
I started purging again in Italy
It was either eat with everyone else and purge or play it safe and restrict
To be perfectly honest I didn't want to miss out on the world famous Italian food so I chose the former
And I wouldn't have missed out on that food for the world
The 7 course wedding meal
The ice cream
And of course the pizza and pasta
I haven't managed to get back on the wagon yet
I am the queen of procrastination
I am not purging too much but I am still purging
Since I came home from Italy I have been abusing my meds again
Using them as a means of escape from my eating disorder
I've also shop lifted a couple of times and it always seems to be something stupid like dogfood
I hope to get back on track
Mary talked about my worth not being measured by the numbers on a scale
I'm trying so very hard to be aware of this
I hate how much power those little numbers have over me
If the number goes up I spiral in to a black hole depression
If it goes down I sky rocket in to euphoria
Every little gain or loss analysed
I don't measure other people's worth by those numbers so why do I measured mine that way?
She asked me how would I feel if my BMI was 21
I wondered why she was asking me this and it suddenly occurred to me, is my BMI 21?
No she said
Relief
By this time curiosity has got the better of me
Is my BMI 19?
No
Is my BMI 18?
Not yet
Ok so my BMI is 17, I can live with that
Did I gain weight this week?
No, you stayed the exact same
Relief
I don't know why but I am terrified of my BMI going in to the normal healthy range
I'm not ready for that yet
They say that eating disorders aren't about weight but it is partly for me
Regaining the weight I lost is difficult
With every pound I gain I lose a little bit of my eating disorder
'Isn't that what you want?' I hear you cry
Yes, I do want to get well but that doesn't make gaining weight any easier
Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life with out anorexia/bulimia
They have been with me for so long now
I often liken my eating disorder to an abuse
Like an abuse anorexia grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness
Once you are seduced and you are held captive, the eating disorder shows it's true colours and how evil it truly is
They say there are 5 staged in grief
Disbelief
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
You could go through all of these in one day or over a few months or years
I definitely experienced these when I gave up drugs and I'm sure they apply to eating disorders too
Losing my eating disorder means I have to grow up and I really don't want to
I turn 30 in less than 2 weeks yet I still feel the age I was when I first developed addiction, 18
Growing up means becoming an adult and everything that comes with it
Responsibility, jobs, courses, relationships
I'm not sure I have enough belief in myself to be able to do these things
Having anorexia not only kept me in a child like body but it also kept me a child mentally too
Even now after gaining some weight, I still don't look my age and people tell that I look 10 years younger
Although if you look closely you will see my hair is starting to turn grey
If you look closely you will see my face is creased with wrinkles
Being 'normal' and healthy also scares me
Without anorexia I am just an average girl
Without anorexia I am normal
Without anorexia I am healthy
When I was a child I had a feeling that I was going to something special with my life
That my life would have a purpose
I still get that feeling sometimes but I don't know what that special thing is
Having anorexia made me feel special
I wanted to disappear but the more I wanted to vanish, the more attention I got
I used to think that if people felt sorry for me then they would like me
I favoured sympathy over dislike
Mary also told me to prepare for my periods coming back
This terrifies me also
I haven't had a period in over 10 years and had got used to life without it
But if it comes back it means I am healthy and grown up
Without my period I can still trick myself in to believing that I'm not grown up
She also said that my sex drive may come back
I haven't had a sex drive in years perish the thought of letting someone see my naked body in all it's vast glory
I really don't know what would be left if my eating disorder was taken away
How would I cope?
For years it's been my go to coping mechanism
My eating disorder is like a big fuck off shield where all my feelings bounce off it
To quote Pink Floyd it keeps me 'comfortably numb'
With Mary's help I am learning new coping skills
Healthy ways to deal with whatever life throws at me
I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't do a Peter Pan and stay a child forever
I'm trying to see that I don't need anyone to look after me, that I can look after myself
I'm trying to see that the numbers on a scale should not dictate my mood, self esteem and self worth
I'm trying to believe that I am not a bad person and may even be a good person
When I was trying to kick heroin for the umpteenth time I said to myself that I would give recovery a shot for 6 months and if it didn't work then I would kills myself
As morbid as it sounds this actually helped me
Paradoxically knowing I could end it all kept me going
Anorexia will always be there but recovery will not
Thankfully things did get better
Anorexia and addiction are a lot alike
The lying, the stealing, the isolation, the highs, the lows
Same shit, different substance
But the are different in 2 ways
1. You can cut drugs out your life, obviously you can't food out of your life, well you can but that would be defeating the purpose
2. Drug addiction is characterised by extreme highs and lows, anorexia is more like a monotonous numb feeling
It could be argued that it's harder to recover from an eating disorder than from a drug addiction
I would say it's pretty much even
Drugs are a psychologically and physically addictive
Anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects
I believe that if you are prone then you can become addicted to pretty much anything
I have not only been addicted to drugs and alcohol but also prescription drugs, shop lifting, smoking, methadone and more obscure things like television or tea
If I get a good feeling off something then I am prone to become addicted to it
A good rule of thumb is 'everything in moderation, including moderation'
I am trying so very hard to ignore anorexia and bulimia
Eating breakfast, take that anorexia
Not binging, in your face bulimia
Enjoying an ice cream, pow!
Eating a meal I don't know the calorie content of, wallop!
Every mouthful of food is like drop kicking my eating disorder
My ex sponsor used to say to me, 'Ruby, if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'
This was good advice, practical but simple
If I think I shouldn't eat dinner, I eat dinner
If I think I should stay in bed all day, I get up
If think I should throw myself under the next speeding car, I think again
So today I urge you not to listen to the lies of anorexia/bulimia
Make her weaker by doing the opposite of what she wants
The truth is she wants us dead and let's not give her the satisfaction
Thin is not beautiful
With all that said I was wondering about you
Why do you hold on to your eating disorder addiction?
What purpose does it serve?
Stay strong,
Keep fighting x
This is my dog after I caught her just after she helped herself to a sandwich I had left in my room,
Guilty or what!
0" />
I hadn't seen her in almost 3 months
Even though I had already weighed myself at the weekend and knew the number, I was still anxious to have her weigh me
I hadn't even sat down when she gestured to the scale
I took off my hoodie and boots as if they would make a difference
I stared straight ahead as she made note of the number
I was dying to know the number but I didn't look
So we talked about the last couple of months
I told her about Italy, Cork, swimming in the sea and horse riding
The last time I saw Mary I had been purge free for 2 weeks, had stopped abusing my meds and had stopped shop lifting
Unfortunately I didn't keep up these positive changes
I started purging again in Italy
It was either eat with everyone else and purge or play it safe and restrict
To be perfectly honest I didn't want to miss out on the world famous Italian food so I chose the former
And I wouldn't have missed out on that food for the world
The 7 course wedding meal
The ice cream
And of course the pizza and pasta
I haven't managed to get back on the wagon yet
I am the queen of procrastination
I am not purging too much but I am still purging
Since I came home from Italy I have been abusing my meds again
Using them as a means of escape from my eating disorder
I've also shop lifted a couple of times and it always seems to be something stupid like dogfood
I hope to get back on track
Mary talked about my worth not being measured by the numbers on a scale
I'm trying so very hard to be aware of this
I hate how much power those little numbers have over me
If the number goes up I spiral in to a black hole depression
If it goes down I sky rocket in to euphoria
Every little gain or loss analysed
I don't measure other people's worth by those numbers so why do I measured mine that way?
She asked me how would I feel if my BMI was 21
I wondered why she was asking me this and it suddenly occurred to me, is my BMI 21?
No she said
Relief
By this time curiosity has got the better of me
Is my BMI 19?
No
Is my BMI 18?
Not yet
Ok so my BMI is 17, I can live with that
Did I gain weight this week?
No, you stayed the exact same
Relief
I don't know why but I am terrified of my BMI going in to the normal healthy range
I'm not ready for that yet
They say that eating disorders aren't about weight but it is partly for me
Regaining the weight I lost is difficult
With every pound I gain I lose a little bit of my eating disorder
'Isn't that what you want?' I hear you cry
Yes, I do want to get well but that doesn't make gaining weight any easier
Sometimes it's hard to imagine my life with out anorexia/bulimia
They have been with me for so long now
I often liken my eating disorder to an abuse
Like an abuse anorexia grooms you and lures you in with false promises of happiness
Once you are seduced and you are held captive, the eating disorder shows it's true colours and how evil it truly is
They say there are 5 staged in grief
Disbelief
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance
You could go through all of these in one day or over a few months or years
I definitely experienced these when I gave up drugs and I'm sure they apply to eating disorders too
Losing my eating disorder means I have to grow up and I really don't want to
I turn 30 in less than 2 weeks yet I still feel the age I was when I first developed addiction, 18
Growing up means becoming an adult and everything that comes with it
Responsibility, jobs, courses, relationships
I'm not sure I have enough belief in myself to be able to do these things
Having anorexia not only kept me in a child like body but it also kept me a child mentally too
Even now after gaining some weight, I still don't look my age and people tell that I look 10 years younger
Although if you look closely you will see my hair is starting to turn grey
If you look closely you will see my face is creased with wrinkles
Being 'normal' and healthy also scares me
Without anorexia I am just an average girl
Without anorexia I am normal
Without anorexia I am healthy
When I was a child I had a feeling that I was going to something special with my life
That my life would have a purpose
I still get that feeling sometimes but I don't know what that special thing is
Having anorexia made me feel special
I wanted to disappear but the more I wanted to vanish, the more attention I got
I used to think that if people felt sorry for me then they would like me
I favoured sympathy over dislike
Mary also told me to prepare for my periods coming back
This terrifies me also
I haven't had a period in over 10 years and had got used to life without it
But if it comes back it means I am healthy and grown up
Without my period I can still trick myself in to believing that I'm not grown up
She also said that my sex drive may come back
I haven't had a sex drive in years perish the thought of letting someone see my naked body in all it's vast glory
I really don't know what would be left if my eating disorder was taken away
How would I cope?
For years it's been my go to coping mechanism
My eating disorder is like a big fuck off shield where all my feelings bounce off it
To quote Pink Floyd it keeps me 'comfortably numb'
With Mary's help I am learning new coping skills
Healthy ways to deal with whatever life throws at me
I'm trying to accept the fact that I can't do a Peter Pan and stay a child forever
I'm trying to see that I don't need anyone to look after me, that I can look after myself
I'm trying to see that the numbers on a scale should not dictate my mood, self esteem and self worth
I'm trying to believe that I am not a bad person and may even be a good person
When I was trying to kick heroin for the umpteenth time I said to myself that I would give recovery a shot for 6 months and if it didn't work then I would kills myself
As morbid as it sounds this actually helped me
Paradoxically knowing I could end it all kept me going
Anorexia will always be there but recovery will not
Thankfully things did get better
Anorexia and addiction are a lot alike
The lying, the stealing, the isolation, the highs, the lows
Same shit, different substance
But the are different in 2 ways
1. You can cut drugs out your life, obviously you can't food out of your life, well you can but that would be defeating the purpose
2. Drug addiction is characterised by extreme highs and lows, anorexia is more like a monotonous numb feeling
It could be argued that it's harder to recover from an eating disorder than from a drug addiction
I would say it's pretty much even
Drugs are a psychologically and physically addictive
Anorexia is a mental illness with physical side effects
I believe that if you are prone then you can become addicted to pretty much anything
I have not only been addicted to drugs and alcohol but also prescription drugs, shop lifting, smoking, methadone and more obscure things like television or tea
If I get a good feeling off something then I am prone to become addicted to it
A good rule of thumb is 'everything in moderation, including moderation'
I am trying so very hard to ignore anorexia and bulimia
Eating breakfast, take that anorexia
Not binging, in your face bulimia
Enjoying an ice cream, pow!
Eating a meal I don't know the calorie content of, wallop!
Every mouthful of food is like drop kicking my eating disorder
My ex sponsor used to say to me, 'Ruby, if you don't know what to do, do the opposite of what you think you should do'
This was good advice, practical but simple
If I think I shouldn't eat dinner, I eat dinner
If I think I should stay in bed all day, I get up
If think I should throw myself under the next speeding car, I think again
So today I urge you not to listen to the lies of anorexia/bulimia
Make her weaker by doing the opposite of what she wants
The truth is she wants us dead and let's not give her the satisfaction
Thin is not beautiful
With all that said I was wondering about you
Why do you hold on to your eating disorder addiction?
What purpose does it serve?
Stay strong,
Keep fighting x
This is my dog after I caught her just after she helped herself to a sandwich I had left in my room,
Guilty or what!
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Treatment 101
I've been in touch with some friends from treatment
A group of them meet up in Dublin every couple of months
Not just the eating disorder girls, but anyone who wants to go so there are people with depression, anxiety and other mental illness
I went to the group once a few months ago
They are meeting up in September so I hope to go
I've also been in touch with a girl who I met the first time I was in treatment
We were glued at the hip
It got me thinking about that time so I thought I would share it with you
It was 2008 and I was 25
I was in the midst of a very dark anorexic episode
I was working in a pizzeria (where else), although I don't know how as I was very unwell
I was also an exercise addict
I had bought a stepper and used to park it in front of the television and stay there for hours
I lived off chocolate and nothing else, burning off the calories before I ate anything
I weighed religiously every morning and was losing weight rapidly
One morning I felt so ill I thought I was going to die so my mother talked me in to going to A&E
I was too weak to resist so I agreed to go
We sat in the waiting room for hours until I was finally seen
Immediately I was put on a drip and told that I was going to admitted
I was given a bed that night and a nurse weighed me
Afterwards I overheared 2 nurses talking
'Oh my God, she only weighs 35 kilos'
I was glad they were shocked, that meant I really was anorexic
It's a sad truth that I spend more time worrying about whether I don't have an eating disorder than if I do have an eating disorder
I was put on a high observation ward
I then found out that a girl had recently died from anorexia in the hospital so that was why they were taking my case seriously
I saw the dietician who put me on a high calorie diet
They also had a care assistant sit with all day every day
She even had to accompany me to the bathroom and shower
Of course I still managed to hide food and lose weight
I was waiting for a place in treatment to come up so after 2 weeks in hospital they transferred me to the local psychiatric hospital to wait for my place
St. Columbas was a different kettle of fish
I was in with people who were very ill
Depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia and many more
One girl was admitted after she had gone to the bank ant tried to withdraw a million pounds under the name
Angelina Jolie
She really believed she was a famous actress
She had a boyfriend who visited her everday, he was also very unwell
He turned up one day dressed in a tuxedo, got down on one knee and proposed to her
How romantic
They tried to make me eat but I was annoyingly stubborn
They made me stay in my room for an hour after eating
I purged in a plastic bag and stored it in my wardrobe
After 2 weeks my place in treatment came up
The day I left I remember the nurse saying to my parents that I had been one step ahead of them the whole time
Treatment was a psychiatric hospital in Dublin that had an eating disorder programme
I had no idea what to expect and was incredibly worried that I would be the fattest anorexic they had ever seen
One the first day I remember seeing everyone queuing up to get their meds
Being and addict, I was jealous and so decided I wanted meds too
I told the nurse I couldn't sleep so they put me on zimovaine
After a few weeks they put me an anti depressant and an anti anxiety med
I was so drugged up that every time I sat down I fell asleep
The programme was full on
Groups all day including goals, body image, art therapy and meal planning
Not to mention groups after every meal
We were weighed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and had a goal weight to meet
If you missed your goal twice in a row, you were put on bedrest
Needless to say I spent a lot of time on bedrest
I remember being down in the coffee shop one day with someone, the adolescent ward were also there
One girl in particular caught my eye
She was very thin, pale and had a haunted look in her eyes
It was quite shocking to look at her
All of sudden it occurred to me 'Is that what my family see when they look at me?'
This thought made me feel so sad
I saw the same girl again about 2 months later
I was delighted to see that she had put on some weight and looked so much better
I hoped she'd be ok
My heart wasn't really in treatment
I played along and went through the motions but I had no intention of getting well
I still purged and lied about it
I abused my meds
The good thing about treatment was the other girls
We bonded quickly and they were some of the most beautiful, warm, giving, loving, talented people I have ever met
We were an unwavering support for each other and genuinely wanted each other to get well
Other times in treatment I did feel a sense of competition with the other girls, to be the 'best anorexic' or the 'sickest anorexic' but not this time
I was especially close to 2 girls called Theresa and Karina
We became firm friends fast
On a Thursday we used to go to the supermarket to get ingredients for our meal on Friday
This particular Thursday myself, Karina and Theresa went over
Karina received a phonecall and became very upset
After she hung up she told us that 2 people had been murdered in her village
She didn't know who it was and feared it could have been her family
We were shocked and tried to comfort her
Karina tried to get in touch with family but couldn't get through
We rushed back to the hospital and by now Karina was terrified
We looked up teletext and it was there it was confirmed that it was in fact Karina's family
Her father and brother had been murdered
The doctor and nurses brought Karina in to the t.v room and her sister arrived who had been a patient in another hospital in the city
I can still hear their screams
We were all numb with shock, couldn't believe it
We didn't know what to do so we walked hand in hand over to the chapel to say prayers
Krarina and her sister left to go home
Then they had us go to a group with a bereavement counsellor
I remember not being able to take anymore so I feel asleep
Things were not the same after that and I struggled to get back in to the swing of treatment
I started to lose weight again and was eventually discharged for failing to gain weight
Once home I fell in to a deep depression
I had been in the bubble of treatment for the previous 6 months and now I was home with little support and I didn't know what to do
I went to see my psychiatrist and I wanted to be admitted to hospital again
He wouldn't hear of it and told me I had to learn to cope at home
I got so angry with him and couldn't hide it
He asked me which part of food I was struggling with
'The eating part' I spat at him
I remember telling him I was going to throw myself under the nearest car
He upped my anti anxiety meds and told me he'd see me in a month
I couldn't pull myself out the hole I was in and started to abuse my meds and drink
Everyday I drank vodka and popped pills until I passed out
I was trying to restrict but the meds gave me a savage appetite and so I binged and purged
I started to gain weight and it was driving me insane
I couldn't stop eating and I had no idea how to stop
I went to New York that summer and when I saw the photos I cried
I reached an all time high weight of 60 kilos and although I was not technically over weight, it did not look well on my small frame
I stayed this way for the next 2 years until one day I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen in a while
She remarked that I had lost weight
I rushed home to weigh myself and was delighted to see I has indeed lost 10 lbs
This triggered my next anorexic episode
I stopped taking my meds and went back to restricting and exercise
I have been in treatment 3 times since then but I'll tell you about that another time
I was wondering about you
Have you been in treatment?
Was it a positive or negative experience?
If you haven't been to treatment would you consider it?
A group of them meet up in Dublin every couple of months
Not just the eating disorder girls, but anyone who wants to go so there are people with depression, anxiety and other mental illness
I went to the group once a few months ago
They are meeting up in September so I hope to go
I've also been in touch with a girl who I met the first time I was in treatment
We were glued at the hip
It got me thinking about that time so I thought I would share it with you
It was 2008 and I was 25
I was in the midst of a very dark anorexic episode
I was working in a pizzeria (where else), although I don't know how as I was very unwell
I was also an exercise addict
I had bought a stepper and used to park it in front of the television and stay there for hours
I lived off chocolate and nothing else, burning off the calories before I ate anything
I weighed religiously every morning and was losing weight rapidly
One morning I felt so ill I thought I was going to die so my mother talked me in to going to A&E
I was too weak to resist so I agreed to go
We sat in the waiting room for hours until I was finally seen
Immediately I was put on a drip and told that I was going to admitted
I was given a bed that night and a nurse weighed me
Afterwards I overheared 2 nurses talking
'Oh my God, she only weighs 35 kilos'
I was glad they were shocked, that meant I really was anorexic
It's a sad truth that I spend more time worrying about whether I don't have an eating disorder than if I do have an eating disorder
I was put on a high observation ward
I then found out that a girl had recently died from anorexia in the hospital so that was why they were taking my case seriously
I saw the dietician who put me on a high calorie diet
They also had a care assistant sit with all day every day
She even had to accompany me to the bathroom and shower
Of course I still managed to hide food and lose weight
I was waiting for a place in treatment to come up so after 2 weeks in hospital they transferred me to the local psychiatric hospital to wait for my place
St. Columbas was a different kettle of fish
I was in with people who were very ill
Depression, personality disorders, schizophrenia and many more
One girl was admitted after she had gone to the bank ant tried to withdraw a million pounds under the name
Angelina Jolie
She really believed she was a famous actress
She had a boyfriend who visited her everday, he was also very unwell
He turned up one day dressed in a tuxedo, got down on one knee and proposed to her
How romantic
They tried to make me eat but I was annoyingly stubborn
They made me stay in my room for an hour after eating
I purged in a plastic bag and stored it in my wardrobe
After 2 weeks my place in treatment came up
The day I left I remember the nurse saying to my parents that I had been one step ahead of them the whole time
Treatment was a psychiatric hospital in Dublin that had an eating disorder programme
I had no idea what to expect and was incredibly worried that I would be the fattest anorexic they had ever seen
One the first day I remember seeing everyone queuing up to get their meds
Being and addict, I was jealous and so decided I wanted meds too
I told the nurse I couldn't sleep so they put me on zimovaine
After a few weeks they put me an anti depressant and an anti anxiety med
I was so drugged up that every time I sat down I fell asleep
The programme was full on
Groups all day including goals, body image, art therapy and meal planning
Not to mention groups after every meal
We were weighed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday and had a goal weight to meet
If you missed your goal twice in a row, you were put on bedrest
Needless to say I spent a lot of time on bedrest
I remember being down in the coffee shop one day with someone, the adolescent ward were also there
One girl in particular caught my eye
She was very thin, pale and had a haunted look in her eyes
It was quite shocking to look at her
All of sudden it occurred to me 'Is that what my family see when they look at me?'
This thought made me feel so sad
I saw the same girl again about 2 months later
I was delighted to see that she had put on some weight and looked so much better
I hoped she'd be ok
My heart wasn't really in treatment
I played along and went through the motions but I had no intention of getting well
I still purged and lied about it
I abused my meds
The good thing about treatment was the other girls
We bonded quickly and they were some of the most beautiful, warm, giving, loving, talented people I have ever met
We were an unwavering support for each other and genuinely wanted each other to get well
Other times in treatment I did feel a sense of competition with the other girls, to be the 'best anorexic' or the 'sickest anorexic' but not this time
I was especially close to 2 girls called Theresa and Karina
We became firm friends fast
On a Thursday we used to go to the supermarket to get ingredients for our meal on Friday
This particular Thursday myself, Karina and Theresa went over
Karina received a phonecall and became very upset
After she hung up she told us that 2 people had been murdered in her village
She didn't know who it was and feared it could have been her family
We were shocked and tried to comfort her
Karina tried to get in touch with family but couldn't get through
We rushed back to the hospital and by now Karina was terrified
We looked up teletext and it was there it was confirmed that it was in fact Karina's family
Her father and brother had been murdered
The doctor and nurses brought Karina in to the t.v room and her sister arrived who had been a patient in another hospital in the city
I can still hear their screams
We were all numb with shock, couldn't believe it
We didn't know what to do so we walked hand in hand over to the chapel to say prayers
Krarina and her sister left to go home
Then they had us go to a group with a bereavement counsellor
I remember not being able to take anymore so I feel asleep
Things were not the same after that and I struggled to get back in to the swing of treatment
I started to lose weight again and was eventually discharged for failing to gain weight
Once home I fell in to a deep depression
I had been in the bubble of treatment for the previous 6 months and now I was home with little support and I didn't know what to do
I went to see my psychiatrist and I wanted to be admitted to hospital again
He wouldn't hear of it and told me I had to learn to cope at home
I got so angry with him and couldn't hide it
He asked me which part of food I was struggling with
'The eating part' I spat at him
I remember telling him I was going to throw myself under the nearest car
He upped my anti anxiety meds and told me he'd see me in a month
I couldn't pull myself out the hole I was in and started to abuse my meds and drink
Everyday I drank vodka and popped pills until I passed out
I was trying to restrict but the meds gave me a savage appetite and so I binged and purged
I started to gain weight and it was driving me insane
I couldn't stop eating and I had no idea how to stop
I went to New York that summer and when I saw the photos I cried
I reached an all time high weight of 60 kilos and although I was not technically over weight, it did not look well on my small frame
I stayed this way for the next 2 years until one day I ran in to a friend I hadn't seen in a while
She remarked that I had lost weight
I rushed home to weigh myself and was delighted to see I has indeed lost 10 lbs
This triggered my next anorexic episode
I stopped taking my meds and went back to restricting and exercise
I have been in treatment 3 times since then but I'll tell you about that another time
I was wondering about you
Have you been in treatment?
Was it a positive or negative experience?
If you haven't been to treatment would you consider it?
Sunday, 26 August 2012
'Labelled'
I'm seeing Mary on Wednesday morning
The dreaded weigh is inevitable
So to prevent having a nervous breakdown in front of her when I see the number, I decided to beat her to punch and weighed myself on Saturday morning
To be honest I had been building up to it for a few days previously
My 2 (yes 2) sets of scales sit in the corner of my room mocking me, daring me to step on and play numerical roulette
So yes, Saturday morning I finally mustered up the courage
Given this summer, 10 days in the pizza and pasta capital of the world and a lot of just saying 'fuck it' I braced myself for a gain
A significant gain
From looking in the mirror, I estimated that I had gained up to a stone in the last 4 months
But when has the mirror ever given an accurate picture of weight
So I stripped and tentatively stepped on, standing on the outer part of my feet as I always do in a vain attempt to not to put my full weight on
I peeped out from behind my hands and held my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
To my utter surprise and delight I had gained only 2 pounds since I last weighed 4 months ago
After the shock passed, confusion set in
It must be wrong
So I weighed again
Same number
Relief
Oh the relief
But just to make sure, I asked my mother to weigh herself to be sure it was correct
She is used to my strange request regarding weight
So why did I think I had gained so much?
I'm not quite sure
I have been judging my weight by how I feel and what I see in the mirror
I feel fat therefore I am fat
In treatment, they spoke at length about how we cannot trust how we feel about our weight, that the scale is the only true reflection of what we weigh
I don't want to go back to weighing obsessively
It was taking over my life
Any gain instantly ruined my mood and my day
Any loss and I was as high as a kite
To be honest, even though it was a gain, it is slightly triggering
I have an urge to get below that number tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.........
I'm trying so hard not to define myself by weight, therefore I'm not going to post it
I am still underweight even though I thought I had reached a healthy weight
I hate that I still crave thinness
I hate that I still purge because I'm so frightened to let the food sit in my stomach
I hate that even though I'm trying to fight, this illness still consumes me
I can remember when someone first told me I was anorexic
I was in hospital for the first time doing a drug detox off heroin
I was 19 and very green
I wasn't aware I was underweight when the reality was I was barely 80 lbs
The detox ward was tough
It was in the city and I was surrounded with hardened addicts who had been through detox a million times
This was my first time and I was in way over my head
A young girl from a small town, immature and inexperienced
I figured that my lack of appetite was down to the drugs but where as the other addicts appetite returned with avengence once off drugs, mine simply vanished
I had no idea I was developing an eating disorder, had no desire to lose weight, all I knew was that not eating made me feel good
It made dealing with life a bit easier
The girl in the bed next to me informed me that the staff were watching me eat
I was baffled
Soon after this a not very nice nurse called Anna (who I affectionately nick-named anna-conda) sat me down one day and in a very matter of fact way told me I had anorexia
I didn't believe her and pointedly told her so
Outraged, I told my mother of her lies and went out of my way to prove her wrong
My lunches and dinners magically disappeared
But instead of eating them I was hiding food in my locker and then flushing it down the toilet
I'm quite sure they knew
In my heart though, I knew it made sense
I just didn't want to believe that on top of drug addiction, I also had an eating disorder
I couldn't put my family through any more pain
I got through my detox and was supposed to go on to drug treatment but after getting a report from the hospital, they refused to accept me on the grounds that I wasn't physically strong enough
So I was discharged from hospital that day
My parents were furious that I was being discharged in such a frail state
I relapsed on heroin that night
Now I had been labelled 'anorexic'
'Mentally ill'
'Sick'
I understand there has to be a word to describe something but I think labels are dangerous
Once labelled I felt I had to live up to my new title
I was no longer Ruby
I was Ruby the anorectic
Not only do these labels define us and shape us but the also victimize us
I put huge pressure on myself to become the perfect anorexic, the sickest anorexic
If I was going to do this, I was going to do it right
Having been already labelled a 'heroin addict' and 'anorexic' then came 'bulimic'
I felt my identity was a bunch of medical diagnoses
I was losing Ruby fast
I am not a drug addict, I have a drug addiction
I am not anorexic, I have anorexia/bulimia
My eating disorder is a huge part of me but it is not all of me even though it may feel that way
If you like it is the dark side of me
But I have defined myself by my eating disorder for so long that I don't know what would be left if it was taken away
I want to get well but a huge part of me wants to protect my eating disorder as it protects me
I think so many anti drug and anti anorexia campaigns fail to reach young people because they are not entirely honest
They tell you the bad side, how evil they are but what they fail to mention is that in the beginning it feels good
Our eating disorders wouldn't be able to seduce us so well if it didn't feel good at first
They groom us and lure us in with false promises if happiness
They tell us that losing weight is the answer to all our problems
And in the beginning it's all fresh, all new, all exciting
This is going to make us happy
We start to restrict and see the numbers on the scale go down
Our clothes become looser and people compliment us on our figure
These feelings are addictive and we soon find that when we want to stop we can't
We begin to binge and purge and start to feel that along with the weight we are losing our minds
We abuse laxatives and diet pills but all the while we know we are hurting ourselves
Our families become worried and we become expert liars
We're now so thin that we feel cold all the time
A downy hair forms on our skin
Our hair on our head becomes thin and falls out in clumps
Our bones become sharp and protrude through our skin but we still believe we are fat
Mentally we are confused
Depression and anxiety creep in
We push all our friends away and become increasingly isolated
But we still can't stop
Then one day the hunger becomes too much and we start to eat
We eat and eat and eat
We gain weight rapidly but can't stop eating
We hate every ounce of flesh we gain but still can't stop
We purge until it hurts but it doesn't make a difference
We feel so bad we want to die but still can't stop
People think we are better because we have gained weight but the truth is we are just as sick as we were when we were emaciated
The vicious cycle goes on and on unless we are strong enough to ask for help
But who wants to admit the spend their days puking
Who wants to rat out their best and probably by now, only friend
If not we carry on until our body finally gives up
My eating disorder whispers in my ear
That I'm not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
And of course not thin enough
She is a constant but unwanted companion
She tells me that I'm special because I have an eating disorder
I'm better than others who can't resist food
I'm strong because I resist
She measured my worth in numbers on a scale
She tells me that once I am thin, everything will be ok
I will be happy
I will be loved
I will be successful
I will be envied
But the truth is, she is a liar
The truth is she wants me dead
Won't be satisfied until I am in a coffin
Then I will be thin enough
So I urge you, don't listen to the whispers of anorexia/bulimia today
She is a liar, a thief and a killer
Don't measure your worth by the number on a scale
Thin is not beautiful
You are beautiful, just the way you are
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
I want to love my quirks and differences
They are what make us interesting
Don't be anorexia's victim
Don't become another statistic
On a lighter note here's today's outfit and my doggies swimming in the lake..............
The dreaded weigh is inevitable
So to prevent having a nervous breakdown in front of her when I see the number, I decided to beat her to punch and weighed myself on Saturday morning
To be honest I had been building up to it for a few days previously
My 2 (yes 2) sets of scales sit in the corner of my room mocking me, daring me to step on and play numerical roulette
So yes, Saturday morning I finally mustered up the courage
Given this summer, 10 days in the pizza and pasta capital of the world and a lot of just saying 'fuck it' I braced myself for a gain
A significant gain
From looking in the mirror, I estimated that I had gained up to a stone in the last 4 months
But when has the mirror ever given an accurate picture of weight
So I stripped and tentatively stepped on, standing on the outer part of my feet as I always do in a vain attempt to not to put my full weight on
I peeped out from behind my hands and held my breath as if the air in my lungs would affect the number
To my utter surprise and delight I had gained only 2 pounds since I last weighed 4 months ago
After the shock passed, confusion set in
It must be wrong
So I weighed again
Same number
Relief
Oh the relief
But just to make sure, I asked my mother to weigh herself to be sure it was correct
She is used to my strange request regarding weight
So why did I think I had gained so much?
I'm not quite sure
I have been judging my weight by how I feel and what I see in the mirror
I feel fat therefore I am fat
In treatment, they spoke at length about how we cannot trust how we feel about our weight, that the scale is the only true reflection of what we weigh
I don't want to go back to weighing obsessively
It was taking over my life
Any gain instantly ruined my mood and my day
Any loss and I was as high as a kite
To be honest, even though it was a gain, it is slightly triggering
I have an urge to get below that number tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.........
I'm trying so hard not to define myself by weight, therefore I'm not going to post it
I am still underweight even though I thought I had reached a healthy weight
I hate that I still crave thinness
I hate that I still purge because I'm so frightened to let the food sit in my stomach
I hate that even though I'm trying to fight, this illness still consumes me
I can remember when someone first told me I was anorexic
I was in hospital for the first time doing a drug detox off heroin
I was 19 and very green
I wasn't aware I was underweight when the reality was I was barely 80 lbs
The detox ward was tough
It was in the city and I was surrounded with hardened addicts who had been through detox a million times
This was my first time and I was in way over my head
A young girl from a small town, immature and inexperienced
I figured that my lack of appetite was down to the drugs but where as the other addicts appetite returned with avengence once off drugs, mine simply vanished
I had no idea I was developing an eating disorder, had no desire to lose weight, all I knew was that not eating made me feel good
It made dealing with life a bit easier
The girl in the bed next to me informed me that the staff were watching me eat
I was baffled
Soon after this a not very nice nurse called Anna (who I affectionately nick-named anna-conda) sat me down one day and in a very matter of fact way told me I had anorexia
I didn't believe her and pointedly told her so
Outraged, I told my mother of her lies and went out of my way to prove her wrong
My lunches and dinners magically disappeared
But instead of eating them I was hiding food in my locker and then flushing it down the toilet
I'm quite sure they knew
In my heart though, I knew it made sense
I just didn't want to believe that on top of drug addiction, I also had an eating disorder
I couldn't put my family through any more pain
I got through my detox and was supposed to go on to drug treatment but after getting a report from the hospital, they refused to accept me on the grounds that I wasn't physically strong enough
So I was discharged from hospital that day
My parents were furious that I was being discharged in such a frail state
I relapsed on heroin that night
Now I had been labelled 'anorexic'
'Mentally ill'
'Sick'
I understand there has to be a word to describe something but I think labels are dangerous
Once labelled I felt I had to live up to my new title
I was no longer Ruby
I was Ruby the anorectic
Not only do these labels define us and shape us but the also victimize us
I put huge pressure on myself to become the perfect anorexic, the sickest anorexic
If I was going to do this, I was going to do it right
Having been already labelled a 'heroin addict' and 'anorexic' then came 'bulimic'
I felt my identity was a bunch of medical diagnoses
I was losing Ruby fast
I am not a drug addict, I have a drug addiction
I am not anorexic, I have anorexia/bulimia
My eating disorder is a huge part of me but it is not all of me even though it may feel that way
If you like it is the dark side of me
But I have defined myself by my eating disorder for so long that I don't know what would be left if it was taken away
I want to get well but a huge part of me wants to protect my eating disorder as it protects me
I think so many anti drug and anti anorexia campaigns fail to reach young people because they are not entirely honest
They tell you the bad side, how evil they are but what they fail to mention is that in the beginning it feels good
Our eating disorders wouldn't be able to seduce us so well if it didn't feel good at first
They groom us and lure us in with false promises if happiness
They tell us that losing weight is the answer to all our problems
And in the beginning it's all fresh, all new, all exciting
This is going to make us happy
We start to restrict and see the numbers on the scale go down
Our clothes become looser and people compliment us on our figure
These feelings are addictive and we soon find that when we want to stop we can't
We begin to binge and purge and start to feel that along with the weight we are losing our minds
We abuse laxatives and diet pills but all the while we know we are hurting ourselves
Our families become worried and we become expert liars
We're now so thin that we feel cold all the time
A downy hair forms on our skin
Our hair on our head becomes thin and falls out in clumps
Our bones become sharp and protrude through our skin but we still believe we are fat
Mentally we are confused
Depression and anxiety creep in
We push all our friends away and become increasingly isolated
But we still can't stop
Then one day the hunger becomes too much and we start to eat
We eat and eat and eat
We gain weight rapidly but can't stop eating
We hate every ounce of flesh we gain but still can't stop
We purge until it hurts but it doesn't make a difference
We feel so bad we want to die but still can't stop
People think we are better because we have gained weight but the truth is we are just as sick as we were when we were emaciated
The vicious cycle goes on and on unless we are strong enough to ask for help
But who wants to admit the spend their days puking
Who wants to rat out their best and probably by now, only friend
If not we carry on until our body finally gives up
My eating disorder whispers in my ear
That I'm not good enough
Not smart enough
Not pretty enough
And of course not thin enough
She is a constant but unwanted companion
She tells me that I'm special because I have an eating disorder
I'm better than others who can't resist food
I'm strong because I resist
She measured my worth in numbers on a scale
She tells me that once I am thin, everything will be ok
I will be happy
I will be loved
I will be successful
I will be envied
But the truth is, she is a liar
The truth is she wants me dead
Won't be satisfied until I am in a coffin
Then I will be thin enough
So I urge you, don't listen to the whispers of anorexia/bulimia today
She is a liar, a thief and a killer
Don't measure your worth by the number on a scale
Thin is not beautiful
You are beautiful, just the way you are
Who wants to be a clone of someone else?
I sure don't
I want to love my quirks and differences
They are what make us interesting
Don't be anorexia's victim
Don't become another statistic
On a lighter note here's today's outfit and my doggies swimming in the lake..............
Quick Question
Do any of you lovely people know the quickest way to unfollow a blog
Call me stupid but I just can't figure it out
Want to unfollow blogs who aren't posting anymore
Thank you x
Call me stupid but I just can't figure it out
Want to unfollow blogs who aren't posting anymore
Thank you x
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