Time Travel

Do you ever wish that you could go back in time?
If you could would you change anything?
Sometimes I wonder if I could go back, what advice would I give myself?
I would probably go back to when I was 14 years old
Up until the age of 14 I was a regular girl
I did well in school
I had friends
I studied ballet and was in the local swimming club
I was passionate about both



But things at home weren't great
My father was a drinker and my parents fought a lot
The atmosphere in the house was tense to say the least
My parents were so different
Where he was insecure, she was confident
Where he was a loner, she was a social butterfly
Where he was a control freak, she was a free spirit




I was quite a shy child so when I started secondary school I decided to reinvent myself
I created an alter ego who was confident, out going and gregarious
I quickly made new friends and began to enjoy a new life
But I took it too far
I started to get in to trouble at school
I took up smoking and drinking and started sneaking out to night clubs
I became interested in boys
Now the only things that mattered to me were hanging out with my friends, impressing boys and trying to be 'cool'
I lost interest in my hobbies and gave up my beloved ballet
Then I left the swimming club
I spent less and less time at home
For the next 4 years I got in to more and more trouble
I began dabbling in drugs
I didn't care about anything, least of all myself
I remember the last day of school
I walked out the gate expecting to feel amazing
It was a huge anticlimax
Instead I felt totally overwhelmed
What do I do now?
I felt so lost






I fell in to the first job that came my way
At the age of 18 I became addicted to heroin
The next 6 years were spent on the merry-go-round that is addiction
Drugs, methadone, treatment
Lather, rinse, repeat
All the while my eating disorder was silently developing and I've been struggling with it ever since




So what advice would I give my 14 years old self?
First I would tell myself to be myself
Get to know myself, find out what makes me tick and not to be ashamed of who I am
I used to have a habit of changing my personality to who ever I was with
I even used to change my accent
I would tell myself to be proud of who I am and where I come from
That I don't have to be like everyone else
That being different is ok
Being different is interesting
It is our quirks and foibles that make us who we are and make us stand out
Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same?




If I could go back I would tell myself not to give up ballet and swimming, that I would bitterly regret giving then up
I would tell myself to get a good education
To go to college
To find something I love and be really good at it
I would tell myself to enjoy being a teenager, that I don't need to be in a hurry to grow up
To enjoy being responsibility free and carefree
That I will be an  adult for long enough
To wait until I was older before I started drinking and going to nightclubs
I would definitely tell myself not to start smoking


I'm not sure if I would tell myself not to do drugs
That experience has made me who I am today

I would tell myself not to worry about my appearance so much
That I am perfect just the way I am
To wait before I had sex for the first time
To wait until I was with someone I loved and trusted
As regards my eating disorder I would definitely tell myself not to start purging
That it would ruin my life
But I don't know if I can tell myself anything else because it was not something I chose, it chose me
Maybe not to let the number on a scale have so much power over me
I would tell myself not to start shoplifting
That it would be so hard to stop once I had started
I would tell myself to believe in myself



To believe that I can achieve my hopes and dreams
That I am capable and strong
That there will be hard times but I will get through them
I would tell myself to tell the people I love that I love them
To show them I love them
I would tell myself that I am unique
That there will never be another Ruby again
To push myself out of my comfort zone
To do things that scare and not to let fear and anxiety hold me back
And above all to never give up




If you could go back in time what advice would you give yourself?

You know you have a problem when......

You know you have a problem when you wake up in the morning and count the hours until it's time for bed again

When you spend more time with your dogs than you do with real people

You know you have a problem when your parents are afraid to leave you on your own

When number on the scale can send you spiralling in to a black hole of depression

When you look down and see there is vomit on your clothes

You know you have a problem when the number on the scale can send you sky rocketing in to euphoria

When  you are driving so fast you hope you will crash

When there is a constant war going on inside your head

You know you're losing it when you have a path worn between your kitchen and your bathroom



When you barely leave the house

When you feel like an emotional yo-yo

You know you are in danger when you're saving up your meds

When purging feels as natural as breathing

When you feel like you are broken beyond repair

You know you are sick when you enjoy the sound your stomach rumbling



When you wake up in the night because you are so hungry

When your thoughts are consumed with weights, food and numbers





You know you have a problem when you can't cry

When you can't remember the last time you laughed

You know something's wrong when you avoid your favourite foods

When you panic because you can't exercise

When sleep is the only peace of mind you get


You know you are getting worse when you push all your friends away

When you think about vanishing every day

When your sister won't let you babysit your nephew

It's a reflection of your state of mind when you have to psych yourself up to have a shower

When the number on the scale dictates your mood, self worth and self esteem




When you avoid the mirror at all costs




When you feel like you are dying inside

You know you are losing it when you feel so alone

When 12 years later you are still in the midst of this illness

When nothing else matters

When the future is too scary to think about

When you have a passive death wish

You know you have a problem when all your hopes and dreams have been dashed

When you feel like your thoughts are killing you

When numbers impact you more than words

When your afraid to have friends because you'll just let them down

When life scares you more than death

You know things are not right when you just want to walk out your front door and never come back

When losing weight is the only thing that matters

When you feel like you are going insane

When you have to make yourself think of reasons not to overdose



When you're lying to yourself everyday

When you're losing the will to live


                                                                -

You know you have a glimmer of hope when you won't let any of this stop you from getting well

You know you're going to be ok when you remember you have people around you who love you



When you look back over the last year and see how far you've come

When you wake up and think 'I can do this, just for today'

You know you can get well when you remember that you are stronger than your eating disorder

When you look in the mirror and don't hate what you see



When you remember that you are not a bad person and are in fact a good person

When you realise you have new hopes and dreams



You know you are winning the battle when the voice in your head is just a whisper now

When you do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants

When you wake up and think 'I don't want to die today'

'The Law of the Land'

Savita

Some of you may have heard of the case of Savita Halappanavar
I've been following the story for the past few days and felt compelled to write about it

Savita (31) and her husband Praveen (34) moved from their native India to Ireland in 2008
They settled in Galway in the west of Ireland
He was an engineer and she was a dentist
They had laid down firm roots

Savita fell pregnant but on the 21st of October at 17 weeks pregnant, she presented as Universtiy College Hospital complaining of back pain
The couple were told that the baby would not survive the pregnancy and her cervix was already dilating and she would miscarry
Savita was sent home and told that she would miscarry within a few hours
At home her condition deteriorated and Savita and her husband returned to the hospital to ask for an abortion
They were told that  this was impossible as the is a 'catholic country' and it is the 'law of the land' where abortion is illegal unless the mothers life is in danger, including threat of suicide
And because the doctors could still detect a foetal hearbeat they refused to preform an abortion
Again Savita was sent home
For the next  3 days she was in agony as her body tried to miscarry the baby
It wasn't until October 24th that the foetus was removed
During the miscarraige Savita contracted an infection and  she died from septicaemia on October 28th

Since the story broke there has been an outcry in this country
The law regarding abortion here is a very grey area
A legal limbo
It is illegal and an abortion can only be preformed if the life of  the mother is in danger
If a foetal heartbeat is detected, they wait until the heart stops beating until the preform the abortion
Abortion has been a hot button topic in this country for years but no concrete legislation has ever been drawn up
It is tragic that it has taken a woman's death to highlight this issue
My own opinion is that cases should be treated individually
Everyone's case is different and unique and therefore every case needs an individual solution
20 years ago our country dealt with a case called the 'Miss X case'
'Miss X' was a 13 year old girl who became pregnant after she was raped
Understandably she wanted to have an abortion
The arguments went on for weeks and she was eventually given permission to travel to England for an abortion
But only because she threatened to commit suicide

The government in this country have avoided this issue for far too long
They need to lay down a law once and for all
A clear concise law
Personally I think it's the woman's right to choose
And most definitely if the mothers life is at risk, then isn't it common sense to preform an abortion
Damage limitation as it were
I've been listening to phone in shows on the radio about Savita's case
Woman after woman ringing in to share their experiences
I think abortion affects all woman as it is something we may possibly have to deal with some day

When I was in school my best friend fell pregnant
She was 14 years old
She had been going out with her boyfriend for a few months and he was the first person that she had sex with
I remember when we were walking to school in the mornings, she started to feel really sick
She was throwing up in the bushes
We suspected the worst and it was confirmed when she took a pregnancy test
We were 14, still children and didn't know what to do
We didn't tell anyone at first even though she was sick a lot
I remember seeing her one morning and she looked awful
Her face was bloated, her eyes were puffy from crying and she looked so tired
We decided to tell my mother first
But in fact she had already suspected that she was pregnant
I'm sure my mother was thankful that it wasn't me
She encouraged us to tell my friends mother
I'll never forget that day
Her mother freaked out to say the least
Her 3 older brothers came to the house and were extremely angry
Phonecalls were made and flights were booked to England
My friend had no say in the matter
Her mother made the decision for her
I remember the day before she left for England
I wrote her a letter to read on the plane
She was terrified
In school the rumours started
I defended my friend and tried to dispel them
But everyone knew that she was pregnant
My friend didn't tell me much about England
I think she just wanted to forget about it
Her life would have been so different if she had kept the baby
And what sort of life would the baby have had?
A difficult one I'm sure
I think it was the right thing to do in my friends case
Today she has a great life
Today that baby would be almost a teenager

What are your thoughts on abortion?

Just For Today

I did it
After months and months of procrastination I finally did it
I went to an NA meeting last night
It has been a full year since I was last at a meeting
A full year of trying to muster up the courage to go back
Anxiety and fear kept me away
The last time I was attending meetings I started to experience massive anxiety
I couldn't speak without my voice shaking uncontrollably
My heart would thump out of my chest and I always wanted to just run out the door
I remember that last meeting that I was at
It was just before I went in to treatment last year
I broke down in tears as I spoke
I knew I was at my rock bottom
I've come to the conclusion that I was getting so anxious because I wasn't being honest
I was holding on to so much and it was leaking out of me in the form of anxiety

During the week I made arrangements to go to the meeting with my friend
She needed a lift so I said I would drive
But when yesterday came around, I suddenly panicked
My addiction was not happy that I wanted to go to a meeting

'Why are you going to a meeting, there's no point, you are a hopeless case'

'No one likes you there, they think you're a big fuck up'

'I'll make sure you have a massive panic attack if you go'

'Stay at home, you're safe there'

I really was very close to texting my friend and cancelling
I had butterflies in my tummy all day
I was going round in circles in my head
Will I go, will I not go
I would have used any excuse not to go
My friend sent some encouraging texts during the day and because she was relying on me for a lift, I made myself go
Stupidly I couldn't decide what to wear
I eventually threw on jeans and an oversized jumper before I had a meltdown about looking fat
The last time these people saw me I was skeletally thin
I have regained some weight since then and I was so afraid of what they would think
I managed to get myself together and left the house
I picked up my friend
We dropped her daughter off at the babysitter and headed to the meeting

I pulled up to the familiar building, trying to  work out who was inside from the cars that were in the carpark
Walking in to that room was terrifying
It was so bright and there was a circle of people sitting there
The first person I saw was a girl I used to be great friends with
Her face broke in to a wide smile when she saw me
My heart swelled
Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad
I took my seat and listened to the readings
Those old familiar words I have heard so many times
The thought of having to speak was really making me anxious so I told myself that I didn't have to speak to take the pressure off
I was conscious of my body language and I kept my head down and sat on my hands to stop them fidgeting
After the readings the lights were turned off so the only light was a flickering candle
I relaxed a little
I listened to everyone intently
Such strength and courage in that room
Voices of hope and faith
Some were doing well
Some were struggling
But the point was we were all there
We were all clean and sober today
It doesn't matter what happened yesterday
We were there today

All of a sudden everyone had finished talking and it was just me left
I felt like I was going to be sick but I opened my mouth and said 'Hi I'm Ruby and I'm an addict'
Words that I hadn't uttered in a full year
I spoke but I couldn't tell you what I said
I was honest for the first time in a long time and it felt good
After I spoke I felt like a weight had been lifted off me
Like a pressure had disappeared

After the meeting myself and 2 friends (yay, I  have friends) chatted
We talked about how isolation is No 1 offender
Our addictions and eating disorders want us to be isolated
They don't want us to have friends
They want us alone, lonely so they can have us all to themselves
I know if my addiction had it's way I would never leave the house
Never speak to a soul
I remember my sponsor saying to me that if I don't know what to do then do the opposite of what I think  I should do
If I think I should misuse my meds, don't
If I think I shouldn't go to a meeting, get my ass to a meeting
If I think I should throw myself under a car, think again
I remember someone saying at a meeting once that recovery is like a boat, if you get in to the middle you won't fall off
I think that is where I've gone wrong in the past
I've always stayed on the edge of recovery
On the fringes
So of course I fell off again and again

I came home last night with a warm glow in my tummy
I had faced a huge fear
It reminded me that I am not on my own
That there are rooms of people all over the world in the same boat as me
There are people who can help me
It blew my mind that people at the meeting even remembered me, never mind were glad to see me
At least 4 people said to me that they didn't recognise me
And I do look very different
But that's ok

I don't fool myself and think that  one meeting solves everything
Everyday is a new day and recovery has to maintained
I used to think 'Oh I've had a meeting today, that'll keep me going for a few days'
But it doesn't  work like that
I need to keep working at it
It's up to me to keep the momentum going
I don't know if I will go to another meeting but I hope I do
I need to

Are you struggling today?
Do you feel utterly alone?
Please do one thing today
Tell someone
Talk to someone
You might think it won't help but I promise you it does
It lightens the load we are carrying
Our eating disorders thrive on secrecy
For one day do the opposite of what your eating disorder wants you to do
Be gentle with yourself
Be kind to yourself
It could be the greatest gift you ever give yourself
You have suffered for too long and we don't need to
There is a light at the end of this dark dark tunnel
Some of us have been in the tunnel for so long that we have given up hope
But there is always hope
There has to be
Otherwise what is the point

Stay strong
Just for today

1 Step forward, 2 steps back

Just when I thought things were starting to get better
Just when I thought I could see a light at the end of this dark tunnel
Just when I dared to hope again
I fucked it all up

Since last week I've been taking Mary's advice and eating 3 meals and 2 snacks
She assured me that it was the only way to control the bingeing and purging and maintain my weight
She told me I had to try it for myself to believe it
I am just about ok with my weight at the moment
Still underweight but not critically low
I was struggling to continue to eat the last couple of days so I decided to weigh myself yesterday morning to assure myself that my weight wasn't spinning out of control
Bad idea
I was up almost 3 pounds
I didn't want  to believe it so I weighed again
Same number
No!
Just no!
I bypassed disappointment and sadness and went straight to anger
I was so very angry with myself for letting this happen
The scale tells the tale
Anorexia screamed inside my head

'You pathetic piece of shit, how could you let this happen?'

'Look where eating regularly got you'

'If you had listened to me this would never have happened'

'You're not a person, you're a pig'

'Big fat pig'

I immediately rounded up my dogs and went for a walk in the pouring rain
I was glad it was raining
I was glad that I felt cold and wet and miserable
I tried to walk off the anger but I was crying from pure temper
Fuck my life!

I must say at this point that yes I know I'm supposed to be regaining weight and it's not so much the weight gain as my reaction to it that messed me up

I was due to see Mary in the afternoon but there was no way I could see her now
She would just try to make me see that the number on a scale means nothing
But it does
As much as I hate it, in that instance the number meant everything
It dictates my mood
My self worth
Self confidence
Self esteem
It means everything
I hate that this number has so much power over me,I really do
Mary would probably have an explanation as to why my weight jumped up like this
A reasonable, rational reason
But I don't want to hear it
I would rather blame myself and my big oversized mouth
I texted her to cancel the appointment
She immediately rang but I just let it ring
Then she texted to say she was away for 2 weeks
I was glad

My eating disorder then went in to overdrive
Plotting
Scheming
Planning
Damage limitation
3 meals and 2 snacks?
No thank you very much
I'll have my old ways back please

But now food is terrifying
I don't know where to go from here
The safest thing is to eat nothing
That is the only way now
But what about fluids?
Should they go too?
I think a human can only live for 3 days without  water
Is that true?

My mood plummeted today
I could barely speak to my father
I pretended I wasn't feeling well to get out of eating
I just about got away with it
I feel so ridiculous for having this reaction over 3 measly pounds but I just can't help  it
It's my own fault
I should never have stepped on that scale
Ignorance is bliss
Why do numbers affect me more than words?

Living this way is completely draining
I've really had enough
Enough of this war going on inside my head
Enough of these spun   out highs and crippling lows
I just want to be free of this addiction
I can't take much more
It's like a parasite living inside of me
Sucking the very life out of me
I wish it would loosen it's grip on me
I wish I could let go of it
I wish it would let go of me
I wish I could sleep forever
I wish.............