Funnies For You!

I thought that maybe we could all do with a little cheering up, I know I could!
So this is for you if you are feeling low]
If you are struggling
If you can't find anything to smile or laugh about
If you feel hopeless
Depressed
Helpless
Maybe, just maybe this will make you smile

This is for you

Anorexia's Fairground

I'm so confused
So very alll over the place
I don't know whether I'm coming or going
Round and around I go on this never ending merry-go-round
'Where it stops nobody knows'
I know this ride well
I've been on it so many times they don't even charge me anymore
I am a valued customer
Every time I manage to get off for a second I promise myself never again
Never again will I put myself and my loved ones through this again
But this ride is hard to resist
The colours, the music, the promise of the ride of a life time
It all pulls me back in
Each time I promise myself that this time will be different
But it's an empty promise
A promise that's never kept
You would think that I'd be sick of this ride by now
But I go back time and time again
The price is a high one
It's with money you pay
You pay with your dignity, self respect and self worth
For this ride is governed by anorexia and bulimia
The mistresses of the merry-go-round
They drive this ride
They are in charge
They call the shots
I am merely a passenger
I have no say where the ride goes
I have no power to stop it
I wish I did




I feel so angry with myself
Here I am in one of the most beautiful and exciting countries in the world and all I can think about is losing weight
I watch people closely
It's the height of summer here so people wear very little
I look at other girls and pick out the parts I like for myself
I'll have her legs
Her ass
Her boobs
Her arms
Like a human jigsaw I put together the perfect body piece by piece
Limb by limb
Having to expose my own limbs is depressing
I yearn for long, lean, lithe limbs
Instead I have chubby little stumps
Everytime I catch a glimpse of my reflection I want to punch it
I try my best to look nice and presentable
I do my hair
Wear nice clothes
Apply make up
But no amount of max-factor or Topshop can camoflauge my hatred for my appearance
Every time I see a photo of myself I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to starve
I want to hurt me
My mother says that my perception is warped
But that's what I see
And that's what matters



I started a new blog on Wordpress in an attempt to kick start recovery
A new place
A new identity
A new me
But of course it's not as simple as changing your user name
If only it were that simple
I think it's a reflection of my state of mind these 2 blogs
One part wants to get well
Wants to recover
To reclaim my life
The other part wants to stay sick
That part is so very  stuck
So having 2 blogs is confusing me even more
It's like there are two of me
Ruby and Poppy
There's a tug of war going on in my head
In the words of Lana Del Rey

'Been trying hard not to get in to trouble but I gotta war in my mind'



I'm trying to enjoy myself
And I am
But it's always interrupted with thought of food, weight and numbers
I bought some new clothes the other day
That made me feel good
But now I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web
Stuck
Under attack
Afraid
About to die
Please spider let me go or let me die



Ok, I've officially stopped making sense
Please excuse this nonsense

Bulimic turns anorexic

Things have improved a bit
After we had a candid chat we all felt a bit better
Although I haven't purged in the last 2 and a half days, I haven't eaten very much either
As I type this my sister and Jen are preparing a BBQ
It all looks delicious but I'm already trying to plot a way of getting out of it
In a matter of a couple of days I have switched from raging bulimic to controlling anorexic
I even surprise myself how easily I slip from one to the other
I'm sorry but I seem to be in the midst of a fast
How silly I feel
I'm not even one week in to the new year and I already fucking up
I want to be positive, I really do
But it seems beyond me at the moment
I threw out all my mirtazapine last week
They increase my appetite so maybe that has something to do with not eating at the moment
I feel like I am letting you all down
Letting my family down
And myself
My mother and I went for a walk this morning and we spoke about gong back in to treatment
I know that I will have to go someday if I want to get well
But I have no intention of going in anytime soon
The urge to lose weight is so strong at the moment
There is no scale here so I have no idea what my weight is and it's driving me nuts
Maybe I'm better off not knowing
Knowing those numbers has too much of a negative impact on me
My life is ruled by numbers
Weights
Calories
Measurements
Sizes
I give them all far too much importance
I let them define me
You may have noticed that I don't post weights here
I used to when I first started blogging
But I find reading other peoples weights very triggering
I inevitably compare myself to them
So that's why I don't post them
And I also don't want to be defined by my weight



I'm not sure where to go from here
I'm on the never ending merry-go-round that is eating disorder
It goes round and around and I don't seem to be able to get off
I won't take the risk
When I sit out the back here at night having a cigarette I listen to the house behind
From what I can tell they are a group of twenty something's house sharing
They always have music playing
There's always laughter
Lots of voices
Having a great time
I have to admit I am slightly jealous of them
They sound like they are having the time of their lives
Laughing
Joking
Living life to the full
And here I am on the other side of the wall, listening and spectating
Wanting so much to have that in my own life but too afraid to take the risk
At home I only see one friend
It's all I can manage right now
The thoughts of having to deal with groups of people is too much
I have major social anxiety
I'm so afraid of what others think of me
Will they like?
And if they don't why not?
What am I doing wrong?
It's hard to imagine that others could like you when you don't even like yourself



All my life I've been told that I have great potential
My teachers told me
My parents told me
But what does that mean?
That I could do something great
Possibly
Maybe
But probably not



In the words of Freddie Mercury


'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender'

When I get up in the morning before I face the world I put on my mask
I wear a variety of masks
Happy
Confident
Well
Out going
Funny
My act is carefully rehearsed and well polished
My lines are learnt off my heart
Only those who know me well can see through the thin vein of my act
Only a very few know the real me
They can see the pain in my eyes
They can see through to the blackness of my soul
I'm afraid that if I let the mask slip, then I will completely crumble and I just can't let that happen
I can't let myself fall apart
I feel like screaming but when I open my mouth nothing comes out
I feel like crying my heart out but I'm too numb so the tears won't come
I want to wear my pain on the outside
I want to lose weight
I'm sorry but I do
Not eating all those old feelings come flooding back
The rumbling in my hollow stomach
The natural high
The dizziness
Clothes feeling looser
I want it but I don't want it
I hate it but I love it
It's so very hard to resist
And I feel powerless to resist
I want to hold up my white flag and surrender
I' just so tired of fighting





Sometimes when I wake up in the morning for the first few seconds I forget that I am eating disordered
I forget that I'm recovering heroin addict
That I'm depressed
That I have acute anxiety
For the first few seconds I am free
Free as the wind
For the first few seconds I am just Ruby
Minus the diagnosis
Without all the baggage
I wish I could feel like that all the time
But then it hits me like a ton of bricks
Like a slap on sun burned skin
My day is literally filled with thoughts of food and numbers
I'd say I think about something to do with my eating disorder every 10 seconds
It never goes away\
It never leaves me alone
It's my constant companion
An unwelcome guest who has out stayed their welcome
I'm tired
Exhausted
Drained
I want to lie down and sleep forever
Never wake up again
I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up
It just goes on and on
I'm sorry
I truly am

How is 2013 treating you?

Purge much?

We were all sitting in the living room last night after a long day, when my sister came out of the bathroom and asked

'Who threw up in bathroom?'

I was lying on the couch pretending to be asleep
She knew exactly who threw up in the bathroom
I could sense she was slightly pissed of so I quickly excused myself to bed
I asked my mother this morning if she has said anything
She had
And then some
She complained that I had left sick on the toilet, on the sink and on the door
Traces of my latest bulimic episode
Now at this point I must say that I am not in the habit of leaving the contents of my stomach all over the bathroom
I can only think that it happened when I was washing up
How embarrassing
How disgusting
How mortifying
I wanted the ground to swallow me up



Anyway sister was pretty pissed
And I can understand that
I mean who else wants to see someone elses throw up all over their house
I sure don't
But I also felt hurt and disappointed
Disappointed that she didn't say it me and unloaded it all on to my poor mother
And hurt that she was so insensitive
If she finds it difficult to witness, imagine how hard it is for me living in the midst of it day in day out
She reads this blog
She knows what I go through
Can't she show just a little bit of compassion or empathy?

This morning things were tense
I went for an early morning walk and she was up when I came home
We went to a cafe for breakfast and things were beyond awkward
My sister finally said
'What is wrong with you?'
So I said my piece
I told her how upset I was
She said she didn't want to say it to me about the bathroom because she didn't want to embarrass me
She apologised
She felt terrible that she had upset me so much
So we built a bridge and got over it
For now

It makes me quite angry that the only thing people get upset about with bulimia is vomit
Never mind that we are killing ourselves
Never mind that we are damaging ourselves mentally and physically
Forget the fact that we could drop dead of a heart attack at any minute
Forget that we are sick
Let's concentrate on vomit
Throw up
Sick
What ever you want to call it
It's messy
It's disgusting
It's not something to discuss in polite conversation
Bit it's what I live every single day
I might be on holidays but bulimia doesn't take any days off
She has one mission
To drive me insane and then ro kill me
I have no doubt about that
I'm not in the habit of giving out about people here and I'm not giving out about my sister
I just feel so horrible being bulimic
I hate to the point of anger
Whatever about anorexia
Anorexia is passive
Bulimia is active and if you are in a room with it you can't miss it
All my siblings have expressed to me at different times that they find it difficult to be around me and that is so very hurtful
But I understand
I can't stand being around me either
I understand that witnessing my behaviours is difficult for my family
But living in the midst of them as I do everyday is nigh on impossible



I feel so low today
I couldn't feel any lower
Having my behaviours pointed out to me is a sure fire way to bring me down
It's Thursday night here
I haven't eaten in about 24 hours
And I don't want to
If I can't be bulimic in comfort I will just have to change gears in to anorexia
It feels like there is no other option
It's all or nothing
Black or white
I'm sorry
I was trying so hard to be positive at the start of a new year
But here I am
Going nowhere
Round in circles
Bulimia, anorexia, bulimia, anorexia
Lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight
Recovery is a concept so very foreign at the moment
I don't even know what it means anymore
I'm slipping
But so what
Who care?
I sure don't anymore