Novacaine for the soul

My teeth are in really bad shape
This is due to a number of reasons
Years of not looking after them when I was in active addiction
12 years of bulimia
And also methadone
Methadone is a green syrup, full of sugar and over time it has taken it's toll
Smoking has also caused significant damage
I started the big job of getting my teeth fixed last year
I found a lovely dentist and over time he has done a lot of work on them
5 extractions and numerous fillings
I visited him again last week
I probably would have avoided it for as long as possible but my father talked me in to going
I would have done anything to get out of it
I would have happily eaten my foot rather than go

We drove in to town and parked the car in a car park I don't usually use
I thought it would be quicker to walk back out through the car park rather than going through the shopping centre
All of a sudden I had no idea where I was
An icy wind was blowing as we tried to make our way through the maze of narrow streets
I don't know how but we actually managed to get lost in my own town
I know I have a bad sense of direction but this was ridiculous
My father wanted to ask someone for directions but my pride wouldn't allow it
Eventually I saw a street I recognized and we headed for the dentist

The waiting room was full of men
I felt a little bit silly being there with my father like I was a child but he insisted on coming with me
I sat patiently reading about Harry from One Direction's love life
(He has split from Taylor Swift if you're interested.  Does anyone actually care about that stuff?)
'Come straight in' said the dentist
He's a tall man with a shock of white hair and kind eyes
'Are you still off the.........?'
It's always the first question he asks me
He means am I still off drugs
For some reason he doesn't seem to be able to say the word drugs
Is drugs a bad word?
Maybe he's just being polite
I took my jacket off and for some stupid reason I draped it over the back of the dentist's chair
'No no, hang it up' he said
I walked over to the hanger nearly knocking over his tray instruments on my way
I settled in to the chair
Just then the receptionist stuck her head in the door and said
'Remember Ruby, if he's hurting you raise your hand and he'll stop'
What the....?
The way she said it was as if she was expecting him to hurt me
And you can bet your ass of he's hurting me I'll be doing a lot more than raising my hand



'What can I do for you?' he asked
I explained that I needed a couple  of fillings
'Ok let's get started'
He lowered the chair so much that the top of my head was resting against his chest
I wasn't comfortable being so close so I tried to pull myself down
'Open wide'
I tried to open my mouth as wide as I could but I have a cut at the corner of my mouth (from purging)
I could feel the skin crack and split as the skin was stretched apart
I tasted fresh blood on my lips
He examined my teeth and decided which ones to fill
He then produced an obscenely large needle and injected anaesthetic in to my gum
I hate this part
I'm not afraid of needles, I just hate the sensation
He injected in 3 different places and just when I thought I couldn't stand the pain any longer, my gums started to go numb
I liked the feeling
How I wish there was something this effective for the mind
Novocaine for the soul



I went back to the waiting room to wait for the lovely numbness to spread around my gums
I was worried he's leave me to long and it would wear off but a couple of minutes later he called me back in
Back in the chair he got to work
I keep my eyes firmly closed because I don't want to see any of the torturous looking instruments
He begins to drill
It's sounds horrific as it grinds against my teeth
It doesn't hurt but it sounds like it should hurt
I feel a lot of pressure
So much so that it feels like my jaw might dislocate
He alternates between drilling and scraping
The noise is so loud in my ears
Like nails on a chalkboard amplified
My body is completely tensed
My knees pulled up
My eyes are squeezed shut
I can only imagine what this would feel like without anaesthetic
He moves on to my front teeth
Inching ever closer away from the numb area
All of a sudden I feel a lighting bolt of pain
Like he hit a raw nerve
'No!' I shouted as best I could
'Sorry' he said 'Nearly finished'
More drilling
More pressure
And then he said the magic words 'All done'
Relief
My body immediately relaxed and I opened my eyes
I collected my composure and thanked him
The dentist then went out to my father and told him what work he had done
He actually spoke to my father instead of me
I felt like a 10 year old child there with my parent
I felt like saying 'Hello! I am here you know, they're my teeth, surely you should be talking to me'
My father really didn't need to come with me but as ever he won't take no for an answer
I'm planning to have a serious talk with him this week about not being involved in every little bit of my life but I'll save that for another post

My teeth look and feel a lot better now
They're far from perfect but at least they're not is the desperate state they were in
This is just another thing in the long list of things I have lost to my eating disorder
Years of purging, washing my teeth in stomach acid up to 10 times a day have all but ruined them
Purging is the bane of my life at the moment
A few days ago I was in the middle of a binge when my father asked me 'Ruby, when are you going to do something about this?'
I was a bit taken aback because I didn't think he had noticed my binging
I may think that I am hiding a binge but in reality of course people know
Listening to my mother give her speech last week, I realise that she notices everything
She sees my constant march from the kitchen to the bathroom
She's aware of how many times a day I purge
Even though I may think it's not, it's blatantly obvious
I think when someone gets ill with an eating disorder the whole family becomes ill
It infects everyone within a certain radius
Like a stone in a pond it has a ripple effect



Bulimia I am so very tired if you
Go away
Please just go away
And take your friend ana with you
You're not welcome here anymore

If you are bulimic, has it effected your teeth?

Award

I want to thank the lovely Lou over at 'My life with ed, ana, mia and neurosis' for nominating me for the best blog 2013 award
Lou you are a star
It means all the more to me coming from you as you were the first blog I started reading and I've been following your story for over a year

I'm supposed to let you know five things about myself so here goes

I'm trying to write my memoirs

I lost 2 pounds this week

My dream is to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain some day

I hate leaving the house

I sleep with the light on


I'm supposed to nominate 5 other bloggers but I can't do this for a couple of reasons
Last time  I was nominated for an award someone got annoyed with me for not nominating them. They unfollowed me and I haven't heard from them since
So you see I'm reluctant to do that again
Also I couldn't pick just 5
I read so many blogs that I just couldn't narrow it down

So thanks again Lou
I appreciate your nomination

Silver Linings

I started writing this blog about 8 months ago
I had been reading blogs for a while before I finally decided to write my own
My family are all big readers and my brother is a writer so I've always had a love of books and writing
I started writing because I wanted to connect with others who are in the position as me
I thought that we could help each other
And having pushed all my friends away I really needed like minded people to talk to
Starting this blog turned out to be one of the better decisions I have made
I remember getting my first comment and my first follower
I was so  happy that someone had taken the time to read what I had written
Writing has given me a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning
Writing this blog has literally saved my life over and over again



I wanted to write about this today as my doctor raised some concerns about my blog
He wonders if it hinders me rather than helps me
He says people who have full and happy lives don't have time to blog
I don't think I agree with that but I can see his point in some ways
As well as all the positives there are a couple of negatives
When I write I tend to only write about my eating disorder or drug addiction
Him and Mary are always telling me that I need to find other interests
That I need to spend less time on my eating disorder
I agree with this
Out of the 24 hours in a day, I spend about 23 hours reading, writing, thinking and talking about my eating disorder
Everything else plays second fiddle
Their point is that if I found something else to do then I wouldn't be giving so much attention to my eating disorder
But so far I haven't been able to do this



Also reading other blogs I run the risk of being triggered
And there is the temptation to compare myself to others
I find reading other peoples weight very triggering
That's part of the reason that I don't reveal mine
I read a mixture of recovery blogs and blogs of people who are choosing not to recover
I guess that's a reflection of my state of mind
Somewhere between the two
But then again triggers are absolutely everywhere
On tv
In magazines
On the street
On the internet
So it's hard to escape them
It's up to me how I respond to them



But overall blogging has been a really positive thing for me
I've met some truly dear friends here
Friends that I've grown to love and really care about
We may never meet each other
We might not even know each others real names
But we identify with each other
We are all living different version of the same life
My blog is my safe place
A place to vent
To share my sorrow and happiness
To share my darkest secrets
Painful memories
To let the demons out of my head



To tell the things I can't tell anyone else
Where I can truly be me without fear of judgement
We have a unique community here
We come from the 4 corners of the earth but we are bound by a common thread
We are eating disordered
We are hurting
We are lonely
Depressed
We are a bit lost
We are struggling
We don't know where we are going
Geographically we are worlds apart
We are different ages, races and nationality
We may never meet or speak
But I consider you some of my best friends




We know exactly how each other is feeling
Some of us are hanging on by our fingertips
Some of us are in pain that is almost impossible to bear
We are fighting a battle every minute of every day
Some of us just want to disappear
Some of us have given up hope
Food and weight rule our lives
Our every waking moment
No else understands but us
They try but they can't



We are all at different stages
Some of us are in recovery
Some are dipping their toe in
Some of us choose not
But we are all in this together
I receive unwavering support from you girls
And for that I am eternally grateful

In treatment, at meetings, in my life and through this blog I have met some amazing people
People suffering with eating disorders are some of the most beautiful, caring, loving, talented, artistic and sensitive people I have ever met
I think we are hyper sensitive
We feel pain and hurt so very easily
But it also means that we feel compassion and empathy for others
I think about the friends I've made here a lot
I wonder how you are doing
I worry if you are going through a hard time
Sometimes bloggers disappear
One day they are there and the next they are gone
I wonder what happened to them
Did they recover?
Did they get worse?
Dis they go to treatment?
Did they die?

This blog and you girls have literally saved my life over and over again
Reading comments makes my day
I've been shown such unconditional love and support that sometimes it's overwhelming
I don't consider myself a great speaker so writing is ideal for me
And I've discovered a real passion for it



I feel so blessed to be part of your journey
To get a glimpse in to your world
Some of you know me better than my own family 
They say every cloud has a silver lining and my silver lining is definitely the people I have met over the years
In hospital
In treatment
And here
People I would never have met other wise
You all have helped me more than you know
To know that I am not alone is something so precious
To know that you understand
That you feel the same
That you've been there too means so much

Having said all that I was wondering about you?
How long have you been blogging?
Has it been a positive or a negative in your life?

Anorexia and drug addiction

I happened to catch the Dr Phil show yesterday morning
Sometimes I watch it if it's something that I'm interested and yesterday I was definitely interested
We were introduced to Morgan and her family
Morgan was 26
She had anorexia and also abused prescription meds
It scared me how similar our stories were
She had been suffering with anorexia ever since she was a child and after regaining weight she started to abuse meds such as oxycontin and xanax
She had been in treatment multiple times and had also attempted suicide
It was like watching my own story
Like me she gave control of her meds over to her parents in an effort to take them properly
Also her father had gone to stay with her
Just like me
Her older sister distanced herself from the family
Just like my sister
She admitted to being an expert liar and manipulator
And as much as I deny it I am guilty of that too
My mother watched the show is silence
It was incredibly uncomfortable to watch a story so close to my own
Morgan said that she couldn't stand being in her own body
That she took drugs to escape
I can relate to that so much
It showed footage of her stumbling around and slurring her words, totally out of it
My mother said that she has seen me like that too many times
Morgan agrees to go to treatment
A dual diagnosis centre in Texas



After it was over my mother asked me some questions
Did the treatment centre I went to for my eating disorder deal with my addiction?
Well the first hospital I went to I played down my addiction in the assessment
On the day I was being admitted somehow they had not taken note of the fact that I was on methadone
When the psychiatrist in charge found out that I had a drug and alcohol addiction they sent me home
They said they couldn't deal with both conditions
The next centre agreed to take me knowing that I was on methadone
But they didn't deal with the addiction
And I manipulated that to the max
I remember complaining that I couldn't sleep in order to be put on sleeping pills
I played up my anxiety so I would be put on more meds
I was on far too many meds
I never once made it through a group without falling asleep
And of course because I was so numb I made precious little progress
In fact I've never really dealt with my drug addiction



The first drug treatment centre I went to was in 2004
I was there for 6 months
I remember that I hated the groups
I just never knew what to say
I wasn't aware of my behaviours and they were quickly pointed out to me
I was told that I used 'The little girl act'
That I played the 'Damsel in distress'
Played dumb
Stupid
Helpless
So people would feel sorry for and also to get my own way
At first I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about but I now know that I did actually do this
I have an innocent face and I used this to my advantage
I pretended that butter wouldn't melt in my mouth
And used this to get what I wanted
To get out of sticky situations
And when you're inactive addiction there are plenty of those
I also did my best to get people to like me
To get them on side
This all sounds very sinister but it's how I survived as a drug addict
Some people use violence and intimidation to get what they want
I just did it a different way
Kill them with kindness
I really don't like admitting to this behaviour but it's the truth
It's what I did to get by

My mother made the suggestion that maybe I haven't really dealt with my addiction
That it is still an obstacle in my way
I suspect that she's right
I haven't been drug free since I was young teenager
Ever since then I have either been on drink, drugs or prescription meds
At the moment I'm on methadone and a couple of other meds
If I'm honest I still abuse them
Even though my parents have control of them I still find ways to manipulate them
It's very sneaky really
I use all sorts of tricks
And all the while with a smile on my face
My mother says  that she knows I manipulate
To be honest I'm not always aware that I'm doing it
The thing about my addiction is that I find it very difficult to put it in to words
To describe it
To deal with it
With my eating disorder I can describe it
I can personify it and that makes it easier to understand
To explain
But with my addiction I can't get inside it the way I can with my eating disorder
I'm not sure why this is
Maybe I'm in denial
I remember in treatment one of the counsellors called me a 'dustbin junkie'
Because I would take absolutely anything
Anything to get high
To get out of my own head
To escape
To not feel
In drug treatment I abused aerosals
One night I passed out with a cigarette in my hand and burned a huge hole in my face
I just find it incredibly difficult to just be me
With no crutch
No get out clause
To live life on life's terms
I am always looking for a way out
To feel numb
My thoughts can be so negative and destructive that I use anything to drown them out





In the morning the first thing I do is turn on the radio
So I won't have to listen to my head
I also always have the tv on
I like to listen to something so I don't have to listen to myself
When I'm walking my dogs I always listen to the radio
If I don't have the radio I'm not a happy girl
You know that person you see walking down the street muttering to themselves?
I am that person
I have arguments with myself in my head
I think back on conversations I've had with people and I beat myself up over stupid things that I said or clever things that I should've said
Do you know how exhausting it is to analyse every little thing you say?
Wondering what the other person thought of you
Whether you sounded stupid or not
If you offended them
What my body language was saying
Sometimes I am so worried about what to say that I'm literally paralysed with fear and anxiety so I can't speak at all
Better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it
I think way too much
I over think everything
To the point of being paranoid and suspicious
I'm starting to wonder whether I don't have some type of personality disorder
It really feels like something is broken in my head



So this is why I choose to escape
Because there is a war going on in my mind
A war with myself
Maybe I need to go to a dual diagnosis centre like Morgan
Although there are none in this country

I was wondering about you
Do you have certain behaviours that you use to get by?
Positive or negative

Catch 22

'The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he doesn't exist'

I first remember hearing this in the film 'The Usual Suspects' in that unforgettable scene where we learn that 'Verbal' really is Keyser Soze



It makes me think about my eating disorder
The greatest trick anorexia ever pulled was convincing us that we don't actually have it
Why?
Because anorexia tells us that we're never thin enough to be deserving of such a title
I know I question myself again and again
Do I really have anorexia?
Am I thin enough?
Am I sick at all?
The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing we crave the most - thinness because we never believe we are thin enough
Even though the scale shows a low number
Even though our clothes are the smallest size
Even though everyone else can see it
Even though we are cold all the time
Even though we are in therapy
Even though we purge after every little thin we eat
We still don't believe we are thin enough
I can honestly say that I felt huge at my lowest weight
At the conference the other day I was worried about my speech
But even more than that
Do you know what really worried me?
I worried that people would look at me and think

'She's not thin enough to have an eating disorder'

Even though I know that's ridiculous
Even though I know it's a mental illness
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick someone is
Even though I was just was sick at my highest weight as I was at my  lowest weight
Even though I am still considered underweight
I still worried

The girl who spoke after me mentioned weight and numbers quite a bit
She told us her lowest weight, her highest weight and her current weight
In my speech I didn't mention numbers at all for a couple of reasons
I didn't want to trigger anyone
I didn't want comparisons made
And I just didn't think it was relevant
I know when I read an eating disorder memoir I zone in on the numbers and compare myself
And I did compare myself to this girl
Our lowest weights were the same
Part of me really wants to know the numbers but another part of me would rather it wasn't mentioned at all
Eating disorder come in all shapes and sizes
From emaciated to obese and everything in between
Most sufferers are of a normal healthy weight
Only a small percentage of people reach a state of emaciation
And we don't need to reach that state in order to be seriously ill
More than our weight it's about our frame of mind and our behaviours
A person can completely disordered eating but look perfectly healthy
Numbers weren't always so tricky
For the first few years of my illness I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't care
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I began to take note of it
The number seemed important to them so it became important to me


Why is it that we don't feel we deserve the title of anorexia?
We don't believe it
I don't doubt that I have bulimia
And the thing with bulimia is that it is invisible
No one would ever know you had you had it unless you told them or you lived with them
That's part of what makes it so difficult
Like depression for example, it's not a tangible thing
You can't see it
Anorexia is plain to see
But bulimia?
No one ever sees the true face of bulimia
Bulimia lives behind locked doors
These labels can be extremely damaging
I remember when I was first diagnosed with anorexia
Now I had been given this title I felt I had to live up to it
I felt it was expected of me
Once you label a person you put me in a category
In a box
You become anorexic instead of having anorexia




A doctor at the conference spoke about how professionals are terrified of eating disorders
Because they are so hard to treat
Because of the high mortality rate
Because the one person who can really help is the one person who doesn't want to get well
I see my own doctor every week to get my methadone script
He is well aware of my eating disorder but seems resigned to the fact that this is just the way I am
Or maybe he thinks I am better than I actually am
I am guilty of playing down my illness
Even with Mary
When I keep a food diary it's never 100% honest
I might admit to purging twice a day
But in reality it's more like triple that
Our eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to get well I know that I need to be willing to tell on my eating disorder
To blow it's cover
But that's easier said than done
I hold on to my illness
I'm terrified to let it go
I can't  live with it but I also can't live without it
Catch 22



I was wondering about you
Do you find it a help or a hindrance to know other peoples weight?
Do you find it triggering?
Do you compare yourself?