Thin

What is it about thin that has captured society's imagination?
Why is our culture so weight obsessed?
It wasn't always this way
Back at the turn of the 20th Century things were very different
Women who were considered to be beautiful were more likely to be curvy
We can see from the art of that time that women were voluptuous
And also at that time it was fashionable to be pale
If you had tanned skin then that meant you worked outside and hence you were a peasant
This trend continued through out the century
In the 1950's Marylin Monroe was considered to be one of the most attractive women in the world
She was a size 14-16
To this day her style is still copied and emulated



Twiggy was at her peak in the 1960's but her skinny frame was the exception rather than the norm



It wasn't until the 1990's that things changed
The arrival of the 'supermodel' and the 'heroin chic' trend turned fashion on it's head
Now Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangilista, Cyndi Crawford and Christy Turlington ruled the runway
And of course it was Kate Moss who uttered that overused phrase 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'



Gone were the soft curves of models
And in it's place were sharp edges and pointy bones
The androgynous look was in
Actresses took their cues from the models and became slimmer and slimmer
Society's interest in celebrities increased and gave birth to a plethora celebrity magazines
The diet industry exploded
Everyone and their mother was on some sort of diet
The Atkins Diet
The cabbage soup diet
Weightwatchers
The list is endless
Each promising that elusive dream, thin
Society became obsessed with thin
And the media took full advantage if this
The size 0 phenomenom  was the holy grail of skinny
The media fed us the idea the skinny equalled success
Become skinny and you will be popular
Become skinny and you will get the man of your dreams
Become skinny and you will get that dream job
And we as a society bought in to that
We believed every word



But of course this is mass manipulation on the media's behalf
They want us to believe in skinny so we will buy their product
Their clothes
Their make up
Their skin cream
Their diet supplement
Magazines name and shame 'fat' celebrities
We see extreme close ups of flab
Of celebrities eating cheese burgers
We disect their bodies limb by limb
We make up the perfect body in our minds
I'll have her boobs
Her legs
Her arms
Her ass
Plastic surgery has become the norm
I think one of the saddest cases of recent times is Heidi Montag from The Hills
When The Hills first aired we were introduced to Heidi
A fresh faced, blue eyed, blonde haired beauty
An all American girl
She was beautiful without a scrap of make up
But as the years went by Heidi morphed in to something bizzare
She had an awful lot of plastic surgery and now looks like a deformed barbie doll
This makes me sad more than anything
Sad that she couldn't recognise her own natural beauty
And sad that a plastic surgeon was willing to do that to her






Then there are the celebrities who have made a career out of their weight
Case in point: Kirstie Alley
Kirstie was the brunette bombshell from Cheers in the 80's
Over the last 10 years she has lost and gained the same 100 pounds over and over again
And the media were there to capture it all




Also Clare Richards from the 1990's group Steps
While in the band Clare was always very slim
But after the band broke up and she settle in to family life, her weight ballooned
She took part in various magazine spreads telling the story of her battle with food
She also made a 3 part documentary called Clare Richards, slave to food





Isn't it ironic that even though we have never been more obsessed with weight that we as a society have never been so fat
Obesity is now an epidemic
And the media are cashing in on it too
Just look at all the weight related tv shows
The Biggest Loser
Supersize V Superskinny
Downsize me
And they make for compulsive viewing
Yes, we are obsessed with weight
Myself included
For the first couple of years my ED had little to do with weight
I didn't weight myself and had no idea how much I weighed
It wasn't until doctors started weighing me that I took notice of the numbers
The number seemed to be important to them so they became important to me
I don't buy in to the idea that skinny equals success and happiness
I used to but not anymore
I have been every weight from 77lbs to 130 lbs and was equally miserable at all of them
I was probably happiest when I was somewhere in the middle
I don't think thin is necessarily attractive
I think confidence is attractive
Being comfortable in your own skin is attractive
Quirkiness is attractive
Thin just means that you take up less space
It couldn't possibly make up happy
And the pursuit of thin will more often than not make you miserable
The media's idea of thin is an illusion
It's a lie
A big fat lie

Soundtrack to my life

Music has always been a part of my life
It punctuates my memories
Hearing a certain song has the ability to transport me right back to a place somewhere in my past
Music has always been an escape for me
It's been one of the only constants in my life
I remember the first song that caught my attention as a child
It was 'The Frog Song' by Paul Mc Cartney
Still to this day is a great piece of music
I am the youngest of 4 so when I was young my music tastes were heavily influenced by my older siblings
When most of my friends were listening to boybands, I was listening to The Smiths and Kate Bush
There was a lot of shit going on at home so I think music was a welcome release from all the tension
I remember when I was around 13 my favourite band was REM
I remember listening to their songs, writing out the lyrics and memorising them
Good times




When I went to secondary school I found a new best friend
We were kindred spirits and our lives revolved around music
Nirvana, The Doors, Radiohead, The Smashing Pumpkins, The Cranberries, Red Hot Chilli, Peppers, Aslan
Basically anything angry or maudlin to compliment our angst ridden teenagerdom
The Doors had a special place in my heart
I thought that Jim Morrison was a legend
My boyfriend at the time was also a huge fan
We made each other tapes (remember those?)
We wrote each other love letters using the names Jim and Pamela (after Pamela Courson, Jim Morrison's girlfriend)
We watched The Door's movie over and over
We knew it word for word
It was one of the influences that caused my interests in drugs
It's hard to pick one but I think my favourite Door's song is The Crystal Ship
I remember listening to that song smoking weed and thinking I couldn't be happier



The late 1990's and Brit pop has taken over
Blur and Oasis lead the pack
I was definitely more of a Blur girl
They were the first concert I ever went to
I was starting to go to nightclubs now and started listening to house music
At 15 I took exstacy for the first time
I was a proper little raver
My friends and I sneaked out of our bedrooms to go clubbing
Taking any drug we could get our hands on
I remember my friend's mother came in to the club one night and dragged us home
So embarrassing but all part of growing up




I turn 18 and take heroin for the first time
Again music accompanied this time in my life
I listened to a lot of David Bowie, The Rolling Stones and Thin Lizzy
Maybe I was attracted to these bands because some of the songs are about drugs
To this day these songs stay with me
I remember lying in my bed sick from withdrawal and the only thing that got me through were these songs
My boyfriend at this time played the guitar
He was actually really good
My favourite song that he played was Classical Gas
A stunning piece of music

Summer of 2004 and I'm doing a drug detox in London
I'm staying with cousins and am sleeping on the couch
I rekindled my love of music having abandoned it while using
I spent my nights watching the music channels, drinking vodka and smoking up the chimney
Music again stopped me from losing the plot
At the end of the summer I went to treatment for the first time
I couldn't sleep for the first 2 weeks and so I spent all night listening to music
I quickly ran out of my own music and so I borrowed CD's from other people
I ended up listening to all sorts of music including Ian Brown, Guns n' Roses, Metallica, Evanescence, Elton John (guilty pleaseure), Pink Floyd, The Pixies, Johnny Cash, Groove Armada, Dire Straits, Damein Rice, Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, Nick Cave
Anything and everything
Music literally saved my life during this time
Without it I would have surely gone insane during those long and lonely nights




These days music is still very much the backdrop to my life
There is nothing better than finding a new band or a new song and listening to it over and over again
I know I really love a song when I get goosebumps
At the moment I listen to a lot of Lana Del Rey
My favourite song right now is Ride
I just love the video, it's like a mini movie
Also Bat for Lashes
My favourite song of hers is probably Daniel
Haim - who remind me of Fleetwood Mac
Falling is my favourite song of theirs
I don't know if the video is meant to be funny but I think it's hilarious
I recently discovered Charli XCX
Really loving the song You (ha ha ha)
Lianna La Havas
Wildbelle
Ellie Goulding
Rudimental -  the video for Tell me that you want me is so inspirational
I generally don't like mainstream pop music but I do like some hip hop

My favourite song that I relate to my eating disorder is Beauty from pain by superchick
I don't know if it's about anorexia but I can really identify with it



Are you a music fan?
What is the soundtrack to your life?
Who is your guilty pleasure?

Food Addict?

I've seen my doctor twice in the last few days
I saw him Friday afternoon
The main reason I wanted to see him was to apologise
I was resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to change my dose of methadone
He said that there was no reason to apologise but he accepted it
He admitted  that was quite annoyed with me for giving him a false picture of how I was
He asked me how I was managing on 25mls
I was honest and and told him I was struggling
Everything was effected from my sleep to my appetite
So he made a suggestion and we agreed to compromise
He put my dose back to 30mls but only on the condition that we start to reduce it again in a month
But instead of 5mls, the dose would be dropped by 2mls
I agreed to this
At least now I have some notice of the change and I can prepare myself
I saw him again this morning
I feel a whole lot better about the whole thing now
At least now I am being honest
I am not holding on to secrets
I'm doing the right thing
I think that addiction and eating disorders thrive on secrets and lies
In order to help myself I need to tell on my ED
I need to do blow it's cover
Do the opposite of what it wants me to do
Easier said than done

Methadone is somewhat controversial
There is a strong argument for and against it and I can see both sides
The thinking behind methadone is that it is a stepping stone between the drug and being clean
To get the person stable
When I was in active addiction my whole day revolved around getting money for drugs and then taking the drugs
I inevitably got involved in crime and my life was very chaotic
Methadone removes that chaos and enables the addict to live a relatively normal life
You take your methadone every morning
You don't have to worry about getting money together as it is free so the person can leave behind s life of crime
You don't have to worry about getting sick and that is huge
Crucially it is not a long tern solution
Complete abstinence being the ultimate goal
But  then there is the argument that you are just replacing one drug for another
That you rely on it just as much as you did on the drug
And there is the temptation to abuse it which I have been doing
Doctors get really well paid for having a methadone patient
So the doctor may be reluctant to take the patient off it as he is gaining from it
As sick as that sounds, it really does happen





For me there have been positives and negatives being on methadone
Yes it helped me to get off drugs
It helped me gain some semblance of a normal life
But now 10 years later I am utterly dependant on it
Then there are side effects
It cause me to have severe constipation
And it has ruined my teeth
But I think overall the good has outweighed the bad
Without it I don't know if I would be clean today
I think though that my goal should be to become completely clean
Including being off all meds
Like most addicts I struggle to take these meds as I should
If the bottle of pills says take one, I am the type of person who would take 5
Being on methadone and meds is tough being an addict
It would be like an alcoholic trying to only have one drink a day
It just doesn't work
I don't know if I have gone backwards by going back to 30mls
Maybe I have but I have to do it this way
I have to err on the side of caution

On the food front things are difficult
I tried so hard yesterday not to purge
But I can't stop
I literally can't stop
When I get the urge to purge it is so overwhelming
The house could be burning down around me and I would still purge before I left
It feels like I am out of control
An external force
Something bigger than me
I spoke to  a friend the other day
She is a recovering addict and is also trying to recover from bulimia
She relapsed recently and is trying to get back on track
She pursues recovery a different way
She uses Food Addicts Anonymous
It basically AA adapted for food
They follow a very strict food plan
The completely cut out sugar, wheat and flour as they believe they are addictive
They eat at certain times and weigh and measure all their food (even in restaurants, I've seen her do it)
It sounds extreme and it is
But my friend says that even though the programme is so strict, it actually gives her absolute freedom
I have been to a few meetings and I could identify a lot with the other ladies but I really can't get my head around the food plan
I've read the literature on it and I could really relate
I'm not sure if I am a food addict though
And I definitely don't want to be one
The food plan is very healthy and nutritious but it's not a diet
I would worry that I would see it as a diet and be triggered by it
I have no doubt that the 12 step method works
But I just have a huge issue with labelling myself as a food addict
To me it conjures up images of lazy and greedy people
Fat people
However I have no doubt that some foods are addictive and sugar, wheat and flour are the no. 1 offenders
But I don't want to cut them out of my diet
I like them
I may do some more reading and may even go to a meeting
Nothing has worked so far so I have nothing to lose by giving it  a go



This the book I was reading
It's called Food addiction, the body knows by Kay Shepperd








With that said I was wondering about you
Do you think certain foods are addictive?
Are there any foods you are addicted to?

The Broken Toilet

Warning: May be triggering

Well, it's happened again
I guess it was bound to
It was only a matter of time
I've worked that thing way beyond it's limit
Yes, I have broken yet another toilet
I'm not surprised really
This tends to happen when you're a raging bulimic
This is not the first toilet I have broken
Oh no
I remember being in London a few years ago staying with cousins
There was one bathroom between 6 or 7 of us
Needless to say I had to pick my purging time carefully
The flush on this particular toilet was little different
If you had just a wee, you pushed it gently and it gave a small flush
If you had, well more than a wee, then you pushed it a bit harder and it flushed harder
Now if you have any experience with bulimia you will know that once the expelled food is in the toilet, you just want to flush it away as fast as possible
Get rid of the evidence as it were
So being in a house where a queue could form for the toilet at any moment, I was probably a little aggressive with my flushing
We were all sitting in the kitchen one day when my uncle came in and announced that 'someone' had broken the flush on the toilet
I instantly assumed it was me
I turned scarlett
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole
My uncle the proceeded to give us a detailed lecture on how exactly to use the flush
It seemed everyone but me had got the hang of that one



So yesterday the same thing happened again
My flushing toilet bowl after toilet bowl of vomit proved too much for my aubergine coloured friend
He was over worked and under paid
They say you don't know what you have until it's gone
Now I've had to move to the toilet upstairs which I have to say has a far inferior flush
Plus the water pressure in the tap is little more than a trickle
And I just don't have the energy to be traipsing up and down stairs
We rang or go-to man for problems like this
Patrick
Jack of all trades, master of none
He called in the afternoon and I have to admit I was pretty anxious
I watched him walk down the hall with his tools
Mental images of the toilet exploding and showering him in vomit flashed in my mind
I wondered how I would clean it all up and how I would explain it to my mother
Thankfully there were no explosions and Patrick left to get a part for the ailing toilet
It was touch and go for a while but the toilet will pull through and live to fight another day

When you're bulimic, toilets become of paramount importance
You become an expert in flushes and water pressure
You excel in cleaning your mess with little more than a sheet of papery toilet roll
It's ok when you're at home
You know your own toilet and it's limitations
But when you're out and about, it's a different situation entirely
Not only are you using a foreign toilet but you also have to deal with interruptions
Restaurants are a mine field
Sometimes I check the flush prior to purging to make sure it's up for the job
But then one flush might not do it
It may take 2 or even 3 flushes
Not to mention you're in a tiny cubicle with only a thin wall between you and the next person
Over the years I've learned to be quick and quiet
I've learned to use the disabled toilet if it's free as it usually has it's own room
I remember another time again in London I was out for dinner at an Indian restaurant with relatives
I love Indian food so I helped myself safe in the knowledge that the food wouldn't be staying in my stomach for very long
Afterwards I excused myself to the bathroom
These were the days before I learned to check the flush first
So after purging I went to push the handle of the flush
It fell limp in my hand
No pressure at all
I immediately panicked as I was pretty sure there was someone waiting outside
In the end I camouflaged it with toilet paper but only made a bigger mess
I sighed and opened the toilet door only to find my aunt standing there
I forced a smile and went back to my seat
If she knew what I had done, she never said a word





When I was in Australia toilets were again a problem
My sister lives in a small 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom
That blood thing caused me no end of problems
It refused to flush certain food items and so I would have to fish them out by hand and dispose of them
It blocked a couple of times and I had to free the blockage with a toilet brush
Oh yes, whoever said eating disorders were glamorous should come walk a day in my vomit stained shoes

So yes, toilets and bathrooms become a priority when you're bulimic
I'm not telling you any of this to gross you out
I'm just telling you honestly the lengths I have gone to for my eating disorder
It's not pretty
It's not romantic
It's disgusting
It's degrading
It's not something I ever thought would be part of my life
So tomorrow my old friend will be fixed and I will continue on the never ending merry-go-round that is this illness
I will continue to test flushes the world over
Always on the look out for that elusive perfect flush
There may actually be a market for toilets specifically designed for people with bulimia
Great big bowl
Excellent flush
Perfect water pressure
Self cleaning
Now there's a thought.............

H.O.P.E

This week has been unimaginably hard
I'm not quite sure how I got through it
I'm on the verge of being in withdrawal
It's been lingering like a bad smell
I saw an addiction counsellor on Wednesday
I used to see him when I first moved here a few years ago and he said he can see a lot of progress in me
I explained how I have been misusing my methadone and now it is being reduced I am really struggling
He asked me if methadone was a type of weather what would it be
At first I hadn't a clue what he was talking about but the first word that came to mind was cloudy
And that's what it's like to be misusing it
It's fuzzy
A fuzzy bubble
This week I have been more lucid than I have in a long time
On the dose of methadone I was taking it's like I am blinkered
Like living in a fog
And because I more more sober my mind is clear
My father commented this week that he hasn't seen me this alert in a long time
But along with sobriety comes feelings
I've realise that I haven't been drug free since I was a young teenager
I've been numb for the last 15 years
Comfortably numb

I experienced a lot of anger and frustration this week
Mostly as myself
Angry for abusing my meds
For keeping secrets
For letting others think I am stable
For getting myself in to this situation
I feel like I've oppressed my feeling for so long that this week they erupted like a volcano
Like a shaken can of soda
I truly felt like I was losing the plot
Crying one minute
Laughing the next
But somehow I managed to get through it and today I feel alot better
I've never really dealt with feelings and reality well
I remember as child pretending that I couldn't sleep
My mother brought me to the doctor and I remember hoping that he would put me on sleeping tablets
I've always had a cushion between myself and reality
A buffer
And I've always believed that the answer to my problems was a pill or a substance
Yes drugs make you feel better but only for a short while
They just camouflage the feelings
They push them deep down in to your soul ready to escape at the next opportunity
Drugs do not only not work but they make the situation a whole lot worse
I am never going to get anywhere if I don't learn to deal with these feelings

I've had to take a good hard look at myself this week
I've done a lot of thinking
I made an appointment on Tuesday to see my doctor today and had prepared myself for round 2
But now I don't know if I'm going to go
I still have a huge issue with the way he reduced the methadone
I still think a 5ml drop was too much
But I can also see that the way I went about telling him this was all wrong
I'm sure I came across like a desperate addict and not a rational adult
And I do feel bad for unleashing my inner bitch
I don't doubt that he has my best interests at heart and does want to help me
In 9 years this is the first argument I've had with him
So whether I see him today or Monday I will apologise
Not for what I said but the way I said it
I will also ask him to reconsider my dose but I am prepared for him to say no
And if he does I will have to accept that
I have no other choice

I saw Mary this morning
I was much calmer
The last 3 times I've seen her I've been almost hysterical
She really has been an amazing support this week
Gone out of her way to help me
She focused on all of the positives this week
As hard as it's been there have been some positives
Coming off methadone is a double edged sword for me
On one hand I want to be drug free
It really is quite scary being so dependent on a substance knowing what you would be like if you didn't have it
But on the other hand I'm afraid
Afraid of using
I can not begin to tell you how much relapsing scares me
They say when you're in recovery your addiction is outside doing push ups
Getting stronger all the time
They say you pick up from where you left off and I left off in a horrendous place
Addiction is progressive
It gets worse over time
I couldn't go any lower
I dread to think of what could be next

Food has taken a back seat over the last couple of weeks
I haven't had the energy or the inclination to address it
Feeling all these feelings I've kind of turned away from food
Used it to deal with these new emotions
Mary weighed me and I'd lost 1.5kg since last week
This leaves me in a perilous situation
Mary can't seen me if my BMI drops below a certain number and I am edging ever closer to it
It's not her rule it's the service she works for
To lose Mary would be a disaster
I just don't know how I would cope
I need all the support I can get right now
So it's time to get on top of this
I have to make an effort and that starts with purging
I won't come through opiate and methadone addiction only for my eating disorder to kill me

Yes I am weak but I feel strong today
Yes a lot has happened this week but I feel positive
Yes I almost gave up this week but if I can get through this I can get through anything
I don't always want to but I feel I can do the right thing
I thought I was helpless but I'm more capable than I thought
Yes I thought I was a lost cause but today I have hope