Butterflies

I saw Mary this morning
She weighed me but I didn't look
She said it was exactly the same as last week
I'm glad but also annoyed that I haven't lost in almost 2 weeks now
I told her about my week
How I'm on my own now during the week
So I'm doing my best to be independent and responsible
Turns out that my best is not very good
I explained how I really struggled physically this week
Everytime I stand up I get incredibly dizzy
My brain feels like it's pulsing in my skull and I see stars
Yesterday I was in a shop and suddenly came over all weak
I bought my items quickly and got out of there
I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it to my car and all I could think of was that the dogs were in there  and if I passed out they'd be stuck there
I got to my car and collapsed in to the seat
I couldn't catch my breath
I struggled to calm myself down and I did eventually but it did scare me
I'm also finding that I'm struggling on my usual walk
It  really takes it out of me
I said to Mary that I though the weather had something to do with it as it's been unusually hot here
She said 'Ruby, be realistic, it's not the weather, you're not eating properly'
She's right

What I didn't tell her is that I misused my meds this week
They are all gone as of yesterday
Bad Ruby, very bad
I had got that one under control but the minute I get a bit of freedom I am back to my old tricks again
We went through my food monitoring records
Even there I am not being 100% honest
I recorded that I purged on average 4 times a day
In reality it's probably double that
She said that if I lose anymore weight then she just can't see me anymore
She probably shouldn't really be seeing me now
She said that this service is for mild to moderate EDs
And my case is acute
She explained how if things continue like this, she will have to recommend me for inpatient
How do I feel about that?
Well if I could avoid it at all I would
I've been 4 times before and I can't say that I made much progress
Also I had some trouble with a couple of the nurses which I wrote about last year
That plays on my mind too
I am considering it though

My mother and I went for tea afterwards
She said that I look thinner every time she sees me
I asked her what she thought about inpatient
She said she would support any decision I made
The thing about inpatient is that you have come home at some stage
You have to face reality eventually
Everytime I've left hospital I've sunk in to a deep depression
I went from having support 24 hours a day to having just one hour a week appointment
That's tough
And I have to be sure it's what I want and I am motivated
Just going to treatment doesn't mean you will recover
There is a lot of hard work to be done
Physically and emotionally
In the end no matter where I am, it all boils down to one question
Do I want to get well?
I do and I don't
I can't seem to make a decision and stick to it
Like a moth to a flame I am drawn back in to anorexia's web of lies
She promises that this time will be different
That this time I'll be happy
And I always fall for it
I always go back
It's like being in an abusive relationship
Even though it's wrong
Even though I'll regret it
I go back time and time again
Because maybe, just maybe this time will be different
Because I know no other way
Oh yes, my ED is cunning and powerful
She know how to get to me
Knows exactly what to say to make me go back

These days I'm bouncing between anorexia and bulimia
They are like partners in crime
If one is under control, then the other spins out of control
They are quite alike in some ways but very different in others
If bulimia is loud and brash and in your face
Then anorexia is cold and aloof and silent
I don't know which one is worse
They both suck the life out of me
They both want me dead

Have you ever had the feeling that you are not alone?
That someone is watching over you?
This week my grandmother has been on my mind
I'm not sure why as I rarely think about her
She is a long time time dead so I don't remember her
I was born in the September and she died in the December so I never knew her
My mother always says that I replaced her
She has been popping in to my head a lot
When I am walking my dogs I always see white butterflies and every time I see them I think of her
It's a nice feeling
A comfort
A feeling that she is helping me
Looking after me
My mother and I were in the cemetery and I asked her of she ever gets the feeling that someone is watching over her
She said she did
She recalled a morning back in Winter when she skidded in her car on black ice and enede up in a field
She was lucky that she wasn't killed
But she said she felt that feeling so strongly that morning
She didn't have a scratch on her
I've always had in interest in spirits and ghosts and I do believe that they show us when they're around
Whether it's a feeling that you're safe
A feeling that you're going to be ok
And whether or not it's real or just in my head, it's still a comfort
I see these butterflies everywhere
Of course it is summer and that explains it but it's just the feeling I get when I see them

Does that ever happen to you?
Do you ever get a feeling that someone is looking out for you?

Wearing Thin

I saw my doctor this morning
Today is the day that my methadone is supposed to be reduced
As I walked my dogs before the appointment, I made the decision to say to him that I needed more time
That I wasn't ready
That I'm on the verge of making some progress with my ED and I just can't  deal with the 2 things at once
It turned out that my usual doctor was out sick so I saw a locum
I was relieved
I can relax for another week
When she had written out my prescriptions, she asked if she should weigh me
I wanted to say 'No, absolutely not, it's none of your business how much I weigh'
I tried to get out of it by saying 'He only weighs me from time to time'
Which is the truth
But she said she would do it anyway
I've been holding steady at the same weight for the last couple of weeks
And today was no different
I wondered what she thought about me
She made no real comment after weighing me
I kept thinking that she probably thinks I'm not thin enough to have an ED
I know I'm in dangerous water when I start doing other peoples thinking

I don't tell anyone my weight
Not my mother
Not my friends
Not here
The only ones who know are Mary and my doctor
It's not that I don't feel comfortable posting my weight
It's not that I don't trust you all
I guess I just think that it's not relevant
The number on a scale does not define how sick we are
And I don't want my weight to define me as a person
Also I don't want to trigger anyone or have comparisons made
I know that I get extremely triggered when I read others weight
I find it incredibly difficult when someone asks me my weight
We have a fella that does work around our garden
He has become a family friend but he regularly asks me what or how my weight is
It makes me angry
It's such a personal and loaded question
Especially for people with ED's
And I'm pretty sure he doesn't ask my sister and my mother what they weight

I have a love hate relationship with my scale
I weight religiously every morning
 I have safe numbers
Unsafe numbers
Unacceptable numbers
Acceptable numbers
What ever number the scale shows dictates my mood for the day
My self worth and self esteem
I hate that it does but it does
I don't like weighing, yet I feel compelled to do it
I have to know the number
I guess when you can't find your own self worth, you look for something tangible to attach to

I remember a few years I put on quite a bit of weight
I had just started new meds and they bloated me to 130lbs
Now this is my no means over weight for my height or any height really
People then presumed that because I looked ok, that I must be ok
But that couldn't have been further from the truth
My thinking was the same
My behaviours were exactly the same
The only difference was my weight
I can honestly say that I was just as sick at my highest weight as I was at my lowest
It was incredibly frustrating to look normal but to feel so messed up
People think that if you're not emaciated then it's not serious
That's just not true
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes
From underweight to obese and everything in between
I think that's maybe part of the reason I maintain a low weight
To show that I am sick
I am hurting
I say with my body what I can't say with my words

I remember when I was in hospital for the first time
I was at my lowest weight and very very ill
I vividly remember one of the nurses  saying to me 'You are not that bad'
I was gobsmacked
I felt like a fraud
Like an anorexic imposter
I'm not quite sure why she said it
Maybe she thought she was being kind
But I took it as an insult
I felt like she minimized my condition
Dismissed it as a phase
I felt so insignificant
So angry that I wasn't sick enough
And if I'm not sick enough then I mustn't be thin enough
Yes, this nurse saw me eating
But what she didn't know is  that I was purging in to plastic bags in my room and hiding them in the wardorbe

I think I've mentioned before that when I'm walking on the beach, I used to meet this girl
She was incredibly thin and power walked the beach obsessively
Well I hadn't seen her in a while and I was wondering what happened to her
Did she get better?
Was she in hospital?
Did she die?
I was at the beach yesterday when I saw a familiar figure walking towards me
It was her
And she looked a lot better
She has definitely gained some weight
It's a strange experience meeting her
We always say hello but I also get the feeling that we are checking each other out
It's a feeling used to get in hospital when a new girl came in
That kind of 'Whose the thinnest?' feeling
I don't know where  it comes from, this feeling
I know it wasn't always like this
Being thin wasn't the goal at the beginning of my illness
But over time it has become the most important thing
How sad is that

Just to give you an update I'm feeling better today
I spoke to Mary yesterday and that helped
I think sometimes I just get so overwhelmed
This thing feels bigger than me a lot of the time
Like it's a David and Goliath thing
I just keep having to remind myself that David won that battle

Do you post your weight?
If not, why not?

The point of it all?

I've started this post 3 times already
I tried to write something positive
Something uplifting
Something hopeful
But the words wouldn't come because they are not there
And anyway it would be a lie
I'm not feeling hopeful or positive or anything like it
I'm seeing Mary tomorrow and I'm already thinking of cancelling
I just can't face going in to her yet again having failed
I thought I could do this
I really thought I could stop anytime
I just didn't want to stop
Silly really
To think that I was in control
That I was driving this thing
I'm not in control
Not one little bit
How do you stop when this is happening despite what I want
How you get out of a speeding car without killing yourself?
How do you get well?
How do you put yourself back together?
How do you get the demons out of your head?
How the hell do you get over this thing?

And if anyone does find out the point please let me know

What they don't tell you about eating disorders and addiction

The thing about eating disorders and addiction is that we hear all the scare stories
The horror stories
We are of people that died horrible deaths
Lived lonely, empty lives
Starved, binged and purged themselves in to an early grave
Overdosed alone and weren't found for days
We hear about the endless health problems
Emotional distress
The hurt and worry of families and friends
The never ending merry go round of recovery and relapse
All this is very true and very real
But what people don't tell you is that in the beginning it feels good
In the beginning there is an incredible high during the first stages of weight loss or drug use
You feel strong
Powerful
In control
It's like a drug
A highly addictive drug
For the first few weeks or months we go through the 'Honeymoon phase'
We have just discovered this amazing new technique of dealing with life
A way to cope
Nothing can touch us
It's a secret life

When I first started taking drugs I wasn't ignorant
I knew the dangers
I just didn't care all that much
And when I took heroin for the first time I remember thinking 'Wow, how can something that feels this good be bad for me?'
For the first couple of months I was in heaven
I got to experience the drug without any of the negative consequences
People don't tell you that
That the reason you get hooked is because it feels so good
The reason you lie, cheat and steal and put your family through hell is because it feels so good
What is true though is that it's never as good as that first time
And you could spend years trying to replicate that feeling
Throw in the fact that you are sick without it and congratulations you are now addicted

It's a similar story with ED's
For me, my ED overlapped with my drug addiction
I just stopped eating
It wasn't a conscious decision
I wasn't trying to lose weight
All I knew was that when I didn't eat it felt good
It was a s simple and innocent as that
And that feeling was addictive
It was years before I realised that I had anorexia
Which then developed in to bulimia
Another revelation
I felt like I had found a loophole in the system of food and weight
I could eat as much food as I wanted and not gain weight
That was the theory anyway
Of course the honeymoon phase does not last long
Just long enough to get you hooked
That's the sneaky and sinister thing about EDs and addiction
They lure you in gently promises of happiness and success
Like catching flies with honey
But they are empty promises
It's a lie
A trick
An illusion
What you re really signing is a deal with the Devil
A death sentence
But by now it is almost too late and we are held captive
Breaking free becomes increasingly difficult
At best you will escape with minor health problems
At worst you will lose your life

I think that cigarettes are similar
I've smoked since I was 14
Again I'm not ignorant
I know the dangers and the health implications
But I do it because in that moment it feels good
I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow
Giving up  is beyond hard
But I'll keep trying

I guess I'm thinking about this because I wonder what can be done to prevent EDs and addiction in young people today
I think we need to be more honest with them
Explain the dangers of course
But also explain that in the beginning it does feel good
I think if we neglect to do this, then if a young person tries a drug or purges and they see if feels good, then they will think we are lying to them and they may continue that behaviour
However in my case I really don't think that there is anything that anyone could have said to me to make me think twice about using or purging
I had to find out for myself
Yes, I learned the hard way but isn't that how lessons are best learnt?
We can arm our young people with information and education but other factors come in to play
Genetics being a big one
Addiction is rife in my family
And I have at least 3 aunts and 1 uncle who have food issues
So I was more susceptible
I suppose it's up to us to do what we can to protect the next generation

What do you think can be done to prevent EDs in young people?
What would you say to someone to deter them?

Operation Freedom: Take 2

I saw Mary this morning
I accidentally on purpose forgot my food monitoring records
So she said she had to cut the session short because that's what she was going to work on today
I seem to have a huge problem recording my intake
I just don't want to have to write down everytime I purge
It's too difficult to face
Too depressing
And then having to show someone else
That's just too much
But as she says, those records are how I learn what I'm doing right and wrong
So why can't I do it?

It's getting embarrassing
Every Tuesday and Friday I go to see her
And every week I've made precious little progress
There's always a reason not to recover
Always an excuse
A reservation
The thing is I crave independence
My own life
A career
Friends
Partner
Just a regular life free from this monster
But all of that is outweighed by the fact that I don't want to gain weight
And I can't have one without the other

I started Operation Freedom last week
But after gaining 4 pounds it quickly descended in to Operation Freefall
Interestingly when Mary weighed me today, the 4 pounds had miraculously disappeared
I now wonder did I imagine the whole thing
It wouldn't surprise me these days

I seem to sabotage myself
I'm my own worst enemy
If I could just get out of my own way I might get somewhere
Mary asked me straight out if I want to get well
All I could say was 'I do and I don't'
And that's the truth
It changes from day to day
Hour to hour
Minute to minute
She said that no one can do this but me
'Then why don't I want it more' I asked her
She said she couldn't answer that
I have to figure that one out myself
She asked me if I though I was worth saving
I said not particularly
She spoke about self esteem and said I need to do things to look after myself more
I read somewhere recently that if you don't value your life then death means nothing either
And that's so true
Death doesn't bother me because life means so little to me

As I've said before I can talk about recovery until the end of time but it doesn't count for anything if I don't do something about it
If I don't take action
So I'm going to attempt Operation Freedom again
Even though I'm not sure it's what I want
How will I know if I don't try
Fake it 'til you make it and all that
I remember when I was getting clean off drugs
I made a deal with myself that I would try recovery and give it my best for 6 months
If things hadn't improved by then I could always go back
Drugs will always be there but recovery might not be
And that worked
Knowing I could go back at any time helped me in a weird way
Inevitably things did improve and I never did go back
So I'm thinking that's what I should do now
I've nothing to lose and everything to gain

Anyone out there suffering with an ED knows how soul destroying it is
It sucks the life right out of you
It brings you to the darkest place
Your mind is not your own
I guess the question is do I want to be thin and miserable or a healthy weight and possibly happy
I was watching a programme last night and I found myself laughing
Then I realise it had been months or possibly years since I last laughed
I mean really laughed
 A Proper belly laugh
There's is nothing that feels as good as laughing
I miss that
I miss peace of mind
Feeling comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling anxious
I miss so much

Mary says that it's the small changes that add up to be big leaps
So I'm going to start small
No big empty gestures
Little steps
Baby steps
Rome wasn't built in a day
I know this is a slow process
It can take months to recover physically
Years to recover emotionally
A life time to get over it completely
But to be free of this thing would be worth it
I'm tired of feeling like a spectator to life
Living a half life
Somewhere between life and death

Mary had me write down this

'Every step brings me nearer to my goal'
The goal being happiness, health, independence, freedom and peace of mind
She said to use it as my mantra

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my first rodeo
I've been this way for a long time
I tend to compare myself to other sufferers
But most other sufferers are younger than me
By the time they are my age most will have some sort of recovery

So I'm going to start and I'll have to be strict with myself
First thing is my choice of reading material
I'm rereading Wintergirls right now and just today I realised that I was trying to keep up with Lia's weightloss
I managed not to buy binge food today too
I'm going to put the money I save from buying binge food towards a fund for a new hair cut
It's not much but that's what I can do today
I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow
I  just have to keep trying
Yes I fall but the important thing is to get back up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep believing
And keep hoping

My Day!

Today is the first glorious weather we have had so far this year so I thought I would take the opportunity to take you on a little tour of my day

Enjoy..............

First things first, weighing in

Blogging

Walkies!

View from my garden

Medication

Doctor's

My chemist

Everything looks better in the sunshine

Hanging out at the beach

Lea cooling off in a rock pool

Honey's a bit more cautious

Lea loves going in the car

Copycat Banksy

We passed these cute donkeys on the way home

Lunch

My nephew Oisin

Having a cheeky smoke

Day 4: Fighting Back

Today is Day 4 of Operation Freedom
Day 1 went well
I was motivated and determined to kick bulimia's ass
I managed to get through the day without purging
However I didn't manage to eat 3 meals and I mostly ate biscuits
Day 2 went a bit better
Again I managed not to purge and managed to eat a small portion of chicken stir fry
The first meal I've eaten and kept down in a long time
I didn't weigh for the first 2 days but yesterday morning curiosity got the better of me
I felt like I had gained and I wanted to reassure myself that I hadn't put on 10 pounds
Not quite 10 pounds but I did gain almost 4 pounds
4 freakin' pounds
In 2 days?
What the.......?

I bypassed disappointment and upset and went straight to anger
Raging, feel like I'm gonna explode, steam coming out my ears anger
Anger for trying to do the right thing and being slapped in the face
Anger at Mary for wanting me to gain weight
But most of all angry with myself for caring what the scale says
Realistically I know that part of that gain is rehydration but that was of little comfort
I sat down with a cigarette and tried to make sense of the gain
I don't know why but I seem to lose weight when I binge and purge and seem to gain when I eat normally
I tried to talk myself out of it but before I knew it, I was in my car driving to the shop
The feelings I felt reminded of when I relapsed on drugs
I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't stop myself
As I was driving I kept thinking to myself, 'It's not too late, no damage done yet, I can still turn around and go home'
I had butterflies in my stomach, just like when I used to get drugs
I knew I would regret this but I feel powerless to stop myself
At this point I should've rang someone
I should have reached out and asked for help
But all I could think of was 4 pounds
4
Fucking
Pounds

I kept driving
I was driving like a maniac
Like the raging bulimic that I am
I parked outside the shop
Tried to calm myself down
And walked in trying to look half normal
I got what I needed and started for home
'It's still not too late' I thought to myself
I can still stop this and turn this day around
I got home and started to prepare my first binge
It all felt so wrong
I already felt guilty and I hadn't even taken a bite yet
Even as the pasta was cooking I knew I could still stop
But I felt I was on auto pilot
Bulimia was in charge now
She had taken over and once she starts there is no stopping her

I ate the pasta quickly
I inhaled it
It didn't taste good
I didn't enjoy it
It was a means to the end
I just wanted to feel the relief of it leaving my stomach
Still chewing the last mouthful, I made my way to the bathroom
'It's still not too late' I thought
I don't have to do this
But I did it
And God forgive me, it felt good
Then the guilt hit me
Hit me hard
I couldn't deal with the feelings so I binged and purged again
And again
And again
By this stage I just said 'Fuck it'
I spent the day marching between the kitchen and the bathroom
I have a path worn by now
I used enemas too
I  just wanted to feel empty
I achieved that anyway

So today is Monday
A new day
A fresh start
A chance to wipe the slate clean
To put yesterdays mistakes in the past
I weighed this morning and lost 2 pounds
I feel slightly relieved
Today Operation Freedom is back on track
I could beat myself up for yesterday but what would that achieve
I'll learn from it and move on
Heck if I gave up everytime I hit a hurdle I would never get anywhere
So what have I learned?
I've learned that slips happen
It's part and parcel of addiction and ED's
I've learned not to say 'Fuck it' and let one slip ruin my whole day
I've learned that it's probably not a good idea to weigh everyday
That I need to look at my weight over a period of time and not day to day
I've learned that no matter how I try to get around it, I have to gain weight if I want to recover

And it's not so much the weight gain itself that upsets me, it's what the weight gain stands for
When you define yourself by your ability to lose weight, then any gain is like a failure
It feels like I'm losing control
At this weight I feel protected
It's hard to explain but I feel safe
Gaining weight means I'm exposed
Vulnerable
It means that I'm normal
Average
Just another girl
Being small sets me apart form people
I was doing some reading last night about procrastination and it said that a lot of the time people are more afraid of success than they are of failure
The thinking being that if I succeed then more will be expected of me
That's exactly how I feel
If I gain weight and try to recover then people will have expectations of me to do more
And what if I'm not able to do more?
What if I try to recover and fall flat on my face?
It's safer and more comfortable to be in a place where I'm 'sick' and people don't expect much from me
People leave me alone
The thought of getting a job terrifies me
The thought of going to college scares the shit out of me
The only thing that I am an expert on is addiction and ED's
If I was a contestant on Mastermind, they would be my specialist subjects

These are things that I really need to work on
Self confidence
Self worth
Self esteem
Believing in myself
I guess this is why taking baby steps works
You set yourself small and manageable goals
When you meet your goal, you feel good and it gives you the confidence to make a slightly bigger goal

So today I'm fighting back
My ED got so angry with me for gaining
But she is angry because she is afraid
She can see I mean business and she is worried that she is getting weaker
I often think that recovering from an ED is like trying to tame a wild animal
You can manage it and tame it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you
My ED tried to bite me yesterday
And yes she did take a chunk out of me but today my bite is healing and I feel strong again
I know only too well that this process is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back
The trick is to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going
Keep fighting
Keep trusting
Keep believing
And most importantly keep hoping

If you are struggling today, try to remember this
We are not perfect
And recovery is not about perfection
If you are looking for that you will be bitterly disappointed
It's about positive changes
Growing
Finding freedom from this cruel illness
It's a trial and error process
We find out the hard way what helps us and what hinders us
Slips and relapses happen
It's how we deal with them that counts
We can lie down and hold up our white flag
Or we draw a line and move on
Acknowledge the slip
Learn from it
And continue to fight
I could beat myself up over yesterday
But what would that achieve?
Absolutely nothing

So remember we can fight back
We can take control of our lives
Sometimes it feels impossible
But I believe it is possible
It has to be
It just has to be

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'

See, I am drinking the Ensures!