A pill for every ill

This weekend being a bank holiday, I didn't have my doctors appointment until this morning
As I walk in to the surgery, I see my usual doctor's car pull in
My first thought was that he was back
But when he got out of the car he was wearing shorts and a hoody
Unusual to see him in casual clothes
I kind of forget that he has a whole life outside being a doctor
He is actually a keen surfer
This part of the country is a haven for beach goers and surfers
'Hi Ruby, how are you?' he says
'Good thanks, how are you doing. is your back ok?'
'It's a lot better thanks, I hope to be back next week'

I walk in to the surgery
I have no idea what doctor I'm seeing today
An older man calls my name
As I follow him down the corridor he drops a letter
I pick it up and say 'Hey, you dropped this'
He practically snaps it out of my hand and doesn't say thank you
Ok
I think I will call this one Not very nice doctor
I sit down
'How are things?' he asks
'Yea ok' I say
He spends a few minutes on the computer
It's very disconcerting to know that as I sit there he reading all about me
All my notes
My diagnosis
My weight
Everything
He doesn't say much else
In fact he seems royally pissed off about something
Or maybe that is just his manner, I don't know
He fills out my scripts and that's that

I don't think about the meds I'm on a lot but the past couple of days I have been
I'm on a few medications
Methadone
Mirtazapine (anti depressant)
Olanzapine ( this is an anti psychotic but I am prescribed it for anxiety)
Midon (for low blood pressure)
I've been on methadone for about 9 years now
I started on 70mls and over the years have worked my way down to 30mls
I am very heavily dependant on it both physically and psychologically
Sometimes I have a fear that for some reason I won't be able to get it
Without it I would be in a world of pain within 48 hours
That scares me
To be so dependant on something
Taking my methadone is the first thing that I do every morning
I can't remember what life is like without it
I don't get a feeling off it but it can make me drowsy especially combined with the other meds
To be honest I am terrified to come off it
I dread that day and I continue to put it off
I fear that I won't I won't be able to cope and I will relapse back on to heroin
It has helped me though
It is like a stepping stone between the drug and being completely clean
They say that it's harder to come off methadone than it is to come off heroin
I would agree with this
In my experience it is more difficult to get clean off synthetic, man made drugs than it is coming off something natural like heroin
The detox is longer and the symptoms are worse

I've been on anti depressants for years but have only been on mirtazapine since 2011
It is notorious for having weight gain as a side effect
In the first few months of taking it I gained 30 pounds reaching an all time high weight
My mother says that at that time I looked very bloated at that time
I stayed at that weight for about 18 months
The other day I came across photos of myself at the weight
It didn't suit me at all and I think I looked a lot heavier than 130lbs
I remember being so uncomfortable in my own skin at that time
I hated my body
Absolutely hated it
Thinking back I don't know how I got through that 18 months
And because I now looked normal, people presumed that I was ok
I wasn't underweight so I must be doing fine
But if anything it was the exact opposite
I was still restricting
Still purging
Still mentally unstable
I was just as sick as I was when I was underweight
Then one day someone commented that I had lost weight
I immediately weighed myself and I had lost almost a stone
This triggered a relapse back in to anorexia
I haven't reached that weight since too and I vowed never again
I've come to the conclusion that I actually look heavier than I am
Even now I am technically underweight but I think I look like I am of average weight
I don't see an underweight person
Not at all

I've been on olanzapine for years also
Again it has a side effect of weight gain although I haven't experienced that
I was first prescribed it during my first hospitalisation in 2008
Combined with the other meds it does make me quite sleepy but I like that
I like being able to fall asleep whenever I want
I can escape when things get too much
I remember when I was in hospital I used to see the other patients lining up to get their meds
I actually felt jealous
I wanted to be on meds too
I complained that I couldn't sleep and was immediately put on a sleeping tablet (zimovaine)
It shocked me a bit how easily they prescribed meds
For me I think that the placebo effect plays a big part
Just taking the pill makes me feel better

Over the years I have been on various pills and potions
I haven't been medication free for as long as I can remember
Being an addict I seek out instant gratification and pills can provide that
They can take the edge off life
Wrap you in cotton wool
The can make life bearable
In reality I know that taking a pill is not going to make me better
I know that it's more complicated than that
Yes, meds have a place but in combination with other therapy
I think for depression things like and diet, exercise and talking are just as important of not more important than meds
I think I could probably do with the Olanazpine and the Mirtazapine but I would be reluctant to come off them
From time to time I do misuse my meds
Up until quite recently I had abused them for years
I would take all my meds over 2 or 3 days but that would leave me with no meds for a few days
So I started to take them properly
I just like the idea that if things get really tough, I can take a little white pill and all the nastiness will melt away
Really I should be finding other ways to cope but so far I haven't been able to do that
I went through a period of buying meds online
Mostly valium
But I had to stop after I crashed my car after I fell asleep behind the wheel

So I collected my meds today and when I got home I realised that I had extra tablets
My first reaction was to take the extra ones and sleep the day away
But I know that my mother gets really stressed when I do that so I didn't
I was a good little drug addict and took them as prescribed

The binging an purging came to an abrupt end yesterday
I hope and pray that it stays that way
The kilo I gained disappeared by night fall
It wasn't the kilo that scared
It was the thought that my weight gain would spiral out of control
So I am back at a safe weight
For now

I was wondering about you?
Are you on medication?
If so, how do you find it?
Do you have any unpleasant side effects?

Bulimia

I'm back home
Back in the trigger that is my house
Yesterday was horrible
Like a bad dream
I came home from Dublin expecting a significant gain
I stood on the scale and peeped at the number through my fingers
It was exactly the same as the day I left
Thank freakin' Jesus
It turns out that I can eat and not purge and maintain my weight

Yesterday I could feel a binge coming on
Like a storm cloud on the horizon, it was slowly making it's way towards me
I could see it coming
I just didn't know what to do
I know what I should have done
I should have eaten something
Pre empt the binge
But part of me wanted to binge
Wanted the high from the food
The relief from purging
I haven't done it in quite a while

Yesterday was Sunday and I hate Sundays
I associate Sunday's with binging and purging
Before I knew it I was in my car and heading for town
I walked my dogs first, planning the binge in my mind
What I would eat
What order I would eat it in
How great it would feel to eat forbidden food

I went to the first shop
I wanted to stock up on chicken curry
I brought my cloth bag and walked down to the freezer section
I counted out 8 (why 8? I have no idea) curries  and put them in my bag
Then picked up some rice
I slung the bag over my shoulder and walked towards the door
My heart was beating out of my chest as it always does when I do this
I took out my phone to distract myself
When I get outside I speed walk to my car, waiting for someone to follow me out
They don't
I reach my car and get out of there pronto

Next shop
I choose foods that take a short time to prepare and a long time to eat
It's essential that they are easy to purge
I pick up pasta and tomato and chilli sauce
Ham and bread
White chocolate
Crisps
7up free (essential for any bulimic)
This time I pay for them
I get to my car and realise that I've forgotten biscuits
I need biscuits because when I wake up in the middle of the night, I like to have tea and biscuits
I curse and head back to the shop
I pick up 2 packets of ginger nuts like the ones I had in Dublin
I hope my uncle hasn't noticed that I ate most of his in the middle of the night
'Enjoy those now' says the cashier
'You have no idea' I thought to myself

I get home and even though it's only midday I make 2 of the chicken curries and rice
I settle myself in front of the tv  and the binge begins
The first few mouthfuls taste divine but after that I taste nothing, feel nothing
I head to the bathroom
Tie back my hair
Take off my rings
And purge
I hate purging
I truly do
But keeping this food in my stomach is out of the question
Purging is the lesser of two evils
I wash my hands and face and make sure the toilet is clean
Then I head for the kitchen for round 2

After eating something savoury, I have a craving for something sweet
I make tea and have one and a half (again, I don't know why it's this exact number) milky bars
The chocolate is soft an creamy and delicious
So I have some more

The rest of the day is spent like this
Making food
Eating food
Purging food
I couldn't stop even if I wanted to
This thing is bigger than me
Who am I to stand in it's way
I march from the kitchen to the sitting room to the bathroom
I'm literally going round in circles
I hate it but I can't stop
I know that night I will feel guilt and shame and anger but I can't stop
I know that this is a game that I can't win but I can't stop
I just can't stop

I continue until the food is gone
Only then do I stop
I lie on the couch in a binge induced coma
I replay the day over and over in my head
Like some bad Lifetime movie
I hate myself
I hate being this way

I go to bed early and fall in to a deep sleep
I get up once to have tea and biscuits
I always leave biscuits for the middle of  the night

This morning I wake up with a hangover
I dread what is coming next
Weighing in
I gained
 A big fat gain
My mental state can't handle this
I don't cry
I don't feel angry
Just numb and empty
My first reaction is to have a repeat performance of yesterday
Fuck it
But where would that get me?
No where
So I'll probably go to the other extreme as I don't seem to have a middle ground

I'm just so tired
Burnt out
Will this never end?
I have no Mary until the end of the month
What do I do until then?
Binge and purge I guess

Afternoon Tea

I spent the last few days in Dublin with my mother and aunt
On Wednesday we went for our much anticipated afternoon tea
It was a shocker of a day with torrential rain so I didn't get to wear my pretty dress and had to settle for a cardigan and trousers
Instead of me telling you all about it, I think I will just post the photos
Enjoy.....

Grafton Street, Dublin

Warming up on the train

Our table

I love this dinky little sugar lump tongs

Pouring like a pro!

Itty bitty sandwiches and goat's cheese cones

Trying to  be sophisticated (and failing)

Miniature cakes including chocolate pots and macaroons

Just one more

Enjoying white chocolate moose with raspberries

My mother, my uncle, me and my auntie B

I had been quite anxious about going away for the few days
Mostly because of food
We stayed with my uncle and one of the first things he said to us was that the flush on the toilet was dodgy so that was purging out of the question
The night we arrived they had made dinner for us
Lasagne
When he said that word it struck fear in to my heart
I haven't eaten lasagne in years
I really pushed myself
Probably a lot more than I was comfortable with
My hands were actually shaking as I ate
I managed almost half of the portion
Then came the hard part
Not purging
I tried so hard to sit there and look normal and make conversation
But there was a war going on inside my head
My ED screamed at me at the top of her lungs

'You fat pig, look how much you have eaten
You are going to pay for this and you will pay in pounds'

I don't quite know how I got through that meal but I did
Now I'm terrified to weigh tomorrow

I'm glad  I went though
There were some good moments
I'm so tired now so I will bid you goodnight

Ruby x

Another day, another doctor

My usual doctor is recovering from surgery and Nice Woman Doctor is on her holidays
So today I saw another doctor who I will call Little Man Doctor
I've seen him before a couple of times before and he is very pleasant
He was a bit flustered when I went in as he was running late
I explained that I needed my weekly prescriptions
He left to get the methadone prescription and apologized when he came back in
The methadone script is different to a usual script
It's more like a form than a script
And it has to be filled in precisely or the pharmacy won't accept it
He took his time filling it in and asked me to look over it when he was finished
After I ok'd it I gathered up my things
He jumped up and opened the door for me
Nice touch I thought

I walked out to reception to make another appointment when I discovered that next week is a bank holiday so I actually needed 8 days meds
Back in to the doctor where the whole process was repeated
He said he would write out a new one as he 'didn't want it to look bad'
I mad my appointment for next week and left for the chemist

Having been on methadone for 9 years I've gotten to know  the staff in the chemist quite well
The girls are lovely and always stop for a chat
However the pharmacist herself is not all that nice
She is all business
Never says anything other then what price I owe
I've stopped trying to make conversation with her
She has been working there for a few years now
The pharmacist before her was much nicer
I had been seeing him from day one and had built up a nice relationship with him
When I went behind the counter to take my methadone, he would always ask how things were going
He was so positive and encouraging and I loved having a chat with him
Then one day a member of staff said they had something to tell me
I didn't know what he was going to say when he explained that the pharmacist was no longer working
He didn't explain why
He just said that he wouldn't be coming back
I was quite upset and I did think it was a bit strange

A few months later I was talking to a girl in town
She told me that the pharmacist has been let go because he had been 'over friendly' towards a female customer
The customer complained and he was sacked
I was shocked to hear this because I had always found him to be so nice
Friendly yes but not in a creepy uncomfortable way
In fact I thought he had a lovely manner
I really wanted to thank him for being so kind to me so I wrote him a thank you card and left it in to the chemist for them to post to him
And so he was replaced by this current pharmacist and collecting my meds has never been quite the same
I did run in to him a couple of years later and he is now working else where

I guess it goes to show how important these professionals can become in our lives
I was new to this area and it was hard enough settling in to a new town and especially because I was a former heroin addict
People can be quick to judge and it's hard to shake off a bad reputation
But for every person that condemns there is always someone who will show compassion and empathy
And they're the ones who make it all worthwhile

I have been making a big effort to get out of the house to prevent binging and purging
Especially on a Sunday because it's a day I find extremely difficult for some reason
And I'm feeling the benefits
Getting out of the house gets  me out of my own my head
And my head is a dangerous place to be
Sitting at home I become so introverted and withdrawn
Being out and about reminds me that there is a whole world out there and that the world does not revolve around me and my issues
Yesterday my mother and aunt and uncle went to a morning mass at the Holy Well
The Holy well is an amazing place
So peaceful and tranquil

After mass the priest was giving blessings to people that were ill
My mother wanted me to go up but I felt just being there was enough

After mass we went to Strandhill for lunch by the sea
I was anxious to say the least
I ordered butternut squash and roasted pepper soup
It came with brown bread
I managed to eat half and didn't purge
After eating I felt uncomfortably full
I had such an urge to purge but I didn't

We went for a walk on the beach then
As we walked a noticed a girl walking in front of me
She was extremely thin and frail
I couldn't stop looking at her
I was both fascinated and repulsed
I said it to my mother as she usually notices these things too but she hadn't noticed this girl
She may just have been very thin but I'd hazard a guess that she had anorexia
It's always startling to see someone so thin
Seeing this girl made me wonder if that's what people see when they look at me
In my head I look perfectly normal but I do accept that I have a skewed perception of what I look like
But I definitely don't see an underweight person when I look in the mirror

My weight dropped last week but has stayed stable since then
I don't know how I feel about my weight
I want to lose more but I also don't want to either
I am used to being this weight now and the thought of having to gain is terrifying
It's the one thing keeping me stuck in this place
The one thing I can't face

What about you?
Are you happy/satisfied with your weight?
How does your weight affect your life?

Tea or Coffee?

As well as having disordered eating, I think I may have disordered drinking
Like my food habits, my drinking habits are far from normal
And like my ED, my liquid intake is either too much or not enough
All or nothing
If I am restricting I tend to restrict fluids aswell
Or if I'm going through a bulimic phase, I tend to drink an awful lot
Like my eating I find it hard to strike a balance
I am a self confessed tea addict
The first thing I do every morning (after I weigh myself) is put the kettle on
My breakfast always consists of a big cup of tea and a cigarette
In fact I probably need 2-3 cups of tea before I can function
I don't like coffee and never have
I like the smell of it though and I like the idea of it



I only use Barry's tea
None of your fancy stuff for me thank you very much
Making tea is like a ritual
I boil the kettle
Get my cup ready
One tea bag, 3 sweeteners and a dash of low fat milk
I don't like it too strong or too weak
Somewhere in the middle is just perfect
I like to make my own tea
It's never the same when someone else makes it
I'm afraid to count the number of cups of tea I have in one day
I estimate between 10-15 cups
I love to have a cup of tea with a cigarette
My idea of heaven



The reason I'm writing about tea is that at the end of this month myself and my mother and my aunt are going for afternoon tea in a posh hotel in Dublin
It's a birthday treat from my sister
I am so looking forward to it
I've always wanted to go for afternoon tea in a spectacular place
The hotel we're going to is The Shelbourne
That's where Michelle Obama and her children stayed when they were here
In case you don't know what afternoon tea is let me explain
It's basically drinking tea and eating miniature sandwiches and cakes
It's really more about the experience
The location
The service
The ambience
It's quite expensive too at 55 euros per person

Now my dilemma is what to wear?
It's summer so I'm thinking a nice tea dress with a little cardigan
I want to look smart but casual so I think a dress will do nicely
I saw a lovely one in town which I think I will get next week
Trying on clothes today was interesting
I saw a lovely pair of trousers but even the smallest size was way too big
I actually felt annoyed at myself for not fitting in to them
When I saw Mary on Tuesday I had lost another kilo
I did buy a lovely oatmeal coloured cardigan though so at least I got something
Do you know what drives me to despair?
The way that different clothes shops having different sizes
For example a size 6 in one shop could be a size 10 in another shop
It's confusing and annoying and the shops should have all their sizes the same
It can't be that difficult an it would save time trying on various different sizes

What about you?
Are you a tea or coffee drinker?
Are you like me and have disordered drinking too?

When the going gets tough.......

I was up early this morning for my 9am doctors appointment
It's much fresher today with a nice cool breeze
A welcome break from the heat and humidity
I walked up to reception and I saw my doctor in the back room
My heart sank a little as I thought he was back at work
Then I realised he was in casual clothes so I figured he was just calling in
I passed him on my way down to see Nice woman doctor
'Hi Ruby' he said
'Hey Doctor P, how are you?'
'Fine thanks, feeling a lot better'
He has had his surgery but he'll be off for a little while longer
Nice woman doctor was lovely as usual
I told her about my few days away
The ups and downs
She listened and told me not to be too hard on myself
I really struggle with that one

I got home on Friday and I was excited but also extremely nervous to weight myself
I waited until Saturday morning to get an accurate reading
I hadn't weight in almost a week and I was full sure that I had gained
Because I had eaten and not purged
I felt bigger
I felt like my clothes felt tighter
Like I was taking up more space
There was something nice about not having my scales last week
I felt free
Ignorance is bliss
Because  I didn't know the number, it didn't effect my mood
I literally measure my worth in pounds and ounces
On Saturday morning I stripped
I had prepared myself for a 4-5 pound gain
I tentatively stepped on the scale
Curling my feet as I always do in an attempt to not put my whole weight on the scale
The little red numbers flashed and finally decided on a number
No gain
Not one ounce
I was exactly the same weight as I was the day I left
Relief flooded through my body
But I was a little surprised
I was 100% sure that I had gained
I would have bet money on it
It just goes to show that I can't trust how I feel
Or even my own eyes
This is quite disconcerting
I have accepted that I don't see a true picture of myself in the mirror
That the only way I can get an accurate picture of my weight is by weighing
When I look in the mirror, I don't see an overweight person
But I don't see an underweight person either
I see a person of average weight
Maybe the higher end of a healthy weight
I think I look normal (whatever that is?)

I'm making a big effort to get out of the house more
I'm aware that being at home alone triggers me to binge and purge
Yesterday I went out with my mother and 2 aunts
Then more family came with their children
At first I was a bit anxious but I soon found myself relaxing
I chatted with the children
I joked with my cousin
I smiled and laughed and it wasn't forced
It seems that the more I socialize, the easier it gets
Who knew?

I have to admit though that my intake is quite limited
And since coming home from Galway I haven't been eating  with others
It's like my house is one big trigger so that's why I'm trying to get out and about more

They say that the most dangerous time during depression is when you are starting to come out of it
Suddenly you realise how low you were
How bad you felt
And the fear of going back there
At this time people are more likely to commit suicide
I think that's similar to an ED
The last few weeks I've started to feel better
But I also now realize how sick I am
How I have a long hard road ahead of me
It's quite an overwhelming feeling
And I'm so afraid of slipping again
I have to confess that it did cross my mind to disappear
I felt  it was the only way
But of course it isn't
It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem

When I stopped taking drugs, I thought that everything would get better once they were out of my life
But just like an ED is not about food, drug addiction is not really about the drug
It's a symptom of an underlying problem
When I quit drugs I soon found out that there were layers and layers of issue and problems underneath
The drugs were masking these
I found out that I had low self esteem, no confidence, no self belief, self hatred, depression and anxiety
And these things hit you like a ton of bricks once the drugs are gone
It takes time and a lot of hard work to improve these issues
It's similar with an ED
After regaining weight  and physically recovering, the real work begins
In our minds and our behaviours
It takes months to physically recover and probably years to recover mentally
My ED is masking a plethora of other issues
The same issues as the drugs hid
And that's the thing that holds me back from recovering
Having to face my demons
Having to look at the parts of myself that I hate
The ideal scenario would be to find a way of coping that is healthy
That doesn't harm me or anyone else

It's funny the things that help get me throught the day
For me my dogs are a huge part of my getting well
I got Honey and Lea 8 years ago from a local shelter
They have saved my sanity over and over again
When I don't want to leave the house, I leave to walk them
When I don't want to get up in the morning, I get up for them
Just sitting on the back step rubbing their bellies calms me down
Walking with them every morning is my favourite part of the day

Another thing that really helps me is listening to the radio
I listen to it in the morning between 9 and 12
I love phone ins
I think I like them because it means I can listen to others talking without having to join in
It's great to listen to if I'm in bad form
It takes me out of my own head
By 12 the day is almost half over and I feel a little better

And of course blogging is a great help
It has also saved my life time and time again
I would be lost without it

What about you?
What helps you get through the day?

Not quite perfect

I'm heading home today
I don't quite know how I got through this week but I did
I think maybe it might have been to soon to go away for a week but I had to do it sometime
Dive in to the deep end
After The salt incident I rang Mary
She is always telling me that I can ring her anytime but this is the first time I've taken her up on her offer
The minute I heard her voice I started crying again
She waited for me to compose myself
I told her what had happened
How hard I've been trying
That is wasn't really about the salt
More than that it was a build up of feelings and emotions and the salt was the last straw
As ever, Mary was calm which calmed me down
She talked me through the last few days and we identified things that were difficult and triggering
I got off the phone feeling a whole lot better

But the incident has set me back a bit
I've been restricting ever since and purged twice yesterday
I feel like I've gained weight
A lot of weight
Even though I am usually wrong about these things, I still feel huge
I'm excited but also terrified to weigh myself when I get home
I probably shouldn't but I know that I will do it anyway

Addictive thinking is quite strong at the moment
I've been slightly paranoid
Thinking that people are annoyed with me
Fed up with me
Afraid to speak sometimes for fear of what people will think of me
And also people pleasing
I don't say what I'd like to do
I always put other people's needs or wants ahead of my own
In drug recovery and I'm sure it's the same for ED recovery, they say that you need to be a little bit selfish
That you have to recognize your own needs and  do what is best for you
I really struggle with this
I think it's partly not feeling good enough
Partly that I don't deserve to have these needs and wants met
I need to start doing this though
It's all part of looking after myself
I think a huge part of my ED is self denial
Feeling unworthy of things
Not just denial of food and water but also things like heat or fun or comfort
Are you like that?

As hard as this week was there were some positives and I have to acknowledge them
Every so often I got a glimpse of the old Ruby
The sarcastic, fun loving girl that I used to be
She is trying to break through the walls of anorexia
I can feel it
And I know if I just let her, she could come out
All too often I push her so far down that all is left is  my ED
And my ED has no personality
She is cold and aloof and silent
For a long time I thought that my personality had disappeared
That I was just left with an empty shell
Hollow inside
But now I am starting to see that the real Ruby is still in there
She has just been pushed to one side by anorexia and bulimia

I've also realised how stuck in my ways I am at home
Every day is the exact same
I do the same thing every day almost to the minute
I made a huge effort this week to break out of my routine
It was incredibly hard at first
It felt so wrong
But 5 days later I can see the benefits
I've tried to go with the flow and not worry about my own rigid rules
The trick now is try and do this at home

The other thing I've become aware of is my impulsiveness
Making snap decisions without thinking of the consequences
For example I saw a lovely pair of jeans and a nice top in a shop
I immediately wanted to buy both even though I couldn't afford to
Being aware of my compulsion to shop, I left the shop to think about it
I went back yesterday and decided to just buy the top
And I felt good for not leaving myself broke


Overall this week has been a huge lesson
I've made mistakes and learned from them
I've reached out for help
I've tried to give myself a break
Tried to enjoy myself inspite of myself
The only hurdle I'm avoiding is my weight
I'm just not ready to regain
Not yet

Girl giving free hugs in the street