Gaining

I saw Mary on Tuesday
Tuesday is weigh day
I would have happily eaten my own foot than go to that appointment
I had stopped weighing myself as home but after being sick curiosity got the better of me and I weighed on Sunday
Somehow even though I ate next to nothing for 4 days
Somehow even though I slept for most of that time
Somehow even though I neither binged or purged in that time
I gained weight
This is hard to take because no part of me willingly participated in this gain
I decided to go to the appointment but politely refuse to be weighed
Yes, good idea Ruby

When the time came and she invited me to step on to the scale, I said 'No thank you'
I explained that my delicate mental state could not handle big horrible numbers right now
We talked for a long time and somewhere along the way I heard myself agreeing to be weighed
To prevent myself having a total meltdown I didn't look
But of course I was dying to know
It's like putting your hand on a hot stove
You know you shouldn't but you touch it anyway

Mary asks me what is so terrible about weigh gain
It's hard to explain
It has nothing to do with how I look
In my eyes I look fat whatever weight I am so it's not that
I tell her that I don't want to regain to a healthy weight and still feel anorexic on the inside
I have been there before and very nearly went insane
A couple of years ago I gained weight and reached my all time high weight
Even though I was still a healthy weight I still felt anorexic inside
People saw I looked ok and presumed I was ok
But I felt worse than ever
It's like I want my appearance to match how I feel inside
To give a visual clue of what is going on in my head
We talked about mental illness and how it's invisible
In fact anorexia is probably the only mental illness that manifests itself physically
Having an invisible illness in incredibly frustrating
If you have a broken arm people can see it
They can see you are in pain
They can empathize
They can ask you about it
But with mental illness no would ever know unless you told them and lets face it who wants to admit that they are depressed or bipolar or bulimic

I told Mary how my doctor said to me that I look well
I can't tell you how much I hate hearing those words
'You look well'
'You look good'
It's like a knife in the gut
To someone with an ED telling them they look well translates to 'You look healthy'
Which translated to 'You've put weight on'
Which translates to 'You are fat'
I know the person saying this means well
They think they are giving you a compliment
I understand that
I've done it myself
But I don't comment on anyone's appearance anymore
You just don't know how they're going to interpret it

The session with Mary is an hour and a half long and I'm exhausted when I get out
I see my father later that day and can't help but ask him if I've gained weight
He says no
I tell about the gain
I tell him I can't understand it
Then I remember back to March when I was in hospital
I gained weight then too and then suddenly lost it all
What is the common factor between then and now?
I wasn't purging
After realising this I spent yesterday eating and purging
More to test the theory than anything else
And this morning I had lost most of the weight I had gained
This is a hard pill to swallow
Knowing this makes it even more difficult to get the purging under control
I just don't know where to go from here

I can't even fully explain why gaining weight terrifies me so much
I guess it's symbolic
Of getting well
Of growing up
Of letting the past go
Of taking responsibility for my life
Of taking control of my life
Of being ready to recover
Of being normal
Of being average
So many things that I don't know if I'm ready for

Words aren't coming easily these days so instead of writing about myself I want to throw the floor over to you

Have you regained weight?
What have you found the most difficult thing about it?
If you have regained to a healthy weight, what helped you come to terms with it?
If you are underweight what is stopping you from gaining weight?
Are your reasons the same as mine?
Please do let me know

Keep on keeping on

I knew Autumn had arrived when I walked in to my kitchen yesterday and smelled my mother's chicken soup
It's strange
The seasons change
The months change
The days and the weeks change
And yet nothing changes
Does that make sense?

After reading back my last couple of posts, I was very tempted to delete them
Does the blogosphere really need to know the gory details of my ED?
I asked myself this question and came to the conclusion that yes it does
When I started writing this blog I was determined to expose my ED for the nasty, cruel, ugly, disgusting thing that it really is
I didn't want to sugar coat the truth
I didn't want to be in denial about the lengths I go and the depths I sink to for this thing
I find it quite difficult to put my drug addiction in to words but for some reason I seem to be able to explain my ED in a way that maybe a person without an ED may understand
But it is really hard to explain addiction
Especially to someone who has never experienced addiction
It's like trying to describe a colour
If someone has never seen the colour red, how do you explain it to them?
It's next to impossible

With addiction you can use words like 'compulsion' and phrases like 'physically addicted' but it doesn't really explain the feelings that someone in the grip of an addiction or an ED go through
On the other hand I find it hard to understand what it's like not be an addict
To be able to have one drink and stop there without any difficulty
For as long as I can remember I have been an addict
Maybe I was born that way, I don't know
I was addict long before I picked up a drink or a drug
Food was probably the first substance that I experienced an addiction to
Of course at the time I had no idea
As I child I loved white bread
I just had to have it
I ate at home
I requested it at friends houses
I ate it slice by slice and couldn't get enough
I remember when my family put bread out to feed the birds I would eat it when they weren't looking
I couldn't help myself
That was harmless enough but as I grew in to a teenager I became addicted to shop lifting
Then drugs
Then alcohol
The prescription drugs
And now an ED with some sub addictions (exercise, enemas, purging)
I've always been addicted to something

I truly believe that a person can become addicted to anything even if it's not physiologically addictive
If I can get a good feeling or a high of something, then I will do it over and over and over again to the detriment of my life
When I was addicted to drugs I was both physically and psychologically addicted
I just couldn't stop
I don't have that switch in my brain that says 'Ok that's enough now'
After I overdosed for the first time I was admitted to hospital with respiratory arrest
I was lucky I didn't die
But the very next day I was using in the hospital bathroom
I just couldn't stop

That feeling is incredibly difficult to describe
The feeling that you have to use even though it could kill you
Even though it's drive you insane
Even though you are breaking your families heart
Even though your life is in the toilet
Even though you are suicidal
You. Just. Can't. Stop.

Imagine you have an itch
It's the itchiest itch you have ever experienced
It's driving you crazy and it's all you can think about and focus on
Now imagine instead of fingernails you have razorblades on the tips of your fingers
If you scratch that itch you will shred your skin to ribbons and possible die from blood loss
But that itch just won't go away and you can't help but scratch it
Every time you scratch you tear in to your skin
You bleed and bleed but you just can't help yourself
Everyone is telling you to stop
Everyone is trying to help you
To bandage your skin and help you stop scratching
But you can't
You just can't stop

That's what it's like to live with an addiction
It's an itch that you just can't help but scratch
But of course the paradox is that you can stop
Yes, it is extremely difficult but it can be done
For some people it's a life changing event that makes them stop
Maybe they have a near death experience
Maybe they become homeless
Maybe they hit rock bottom
But mostly people just becomes sick and tired of being sick and tired
Then it becomes possible to stop
When the negative effect of using out weighs the positive effect
And the crucial thing is to want get well
To want to live
That is half the battle
It's a long and difficult road to get to that place
It takes a lot of hard work and an army of support to beat an addiction
But it can be done
I truly believe that

A good friend once said to me that it's not a choice between my ED and recovery
It's a choice between life and death
I think this is so true
Living with an ED is a slow suicide
It's a very visual way of saying 'I don't want to be here'
I do believe that recovery from disordered eating is possible
But I don't know if I am in a place where I want it
Of course I do want it but there is a huge part of me that feels I just can't stop

Addiction is all consuming and I hate that
Addicts become completely self absorbed
They forget that there is a whole world out there
Places to see
People to meet
Experiences to have
Food to taste
Everything boils down to the drug or weight loss or.......
It becomes your whole world
Nothing else matters
Not family
Not friends
Not love
 Nothing

Being in the grip of an addiction is soul destroying
You lose everything
Confidence
Zest for life
Dignity
Self esteem
Independence
You lose that spark that makes you you and you become a shell
You lose you

I have come through drug addiction and alcoholism so I know beating an addiction can be done
Beating an ED is slightly trickier
With drugs I could literally walk away from my old life
Away from the drug
Away from using friends
My old town
Everything
I walked in to a brand new life
With food I can't do that
I can't cut food out of my life (well I could but that would defeat the purpose)
I have to eat
I have to find a balance
A happy medium
And that's the hard part

As grim as things are at the moment I do have hope
As long as I am breathing there is hope
I will continue to fight
Continue to write and spread awareness
Continue to live my life the best I can
What's the alternative?
Lie down and give up
That's not really my style
So if you are struggling today remember that it doesn't have to be this way
There is a way out
There is life beyond addiction and EDs
There is a second chance for you
There is hope
Recovery will be the hardest thing that we ever do but it will be so worth it
Don't give up
Don't give in
Keep on keeping on

Will I ever?

It's early Saturday morning
I'm up before the sun
Following the problem with my bowel my doctor had put me on antibiotics in case there was an infection
I'm allergic to penicillin and a lot of other antibiotics but because I was in a bit if a state in with the doctor I forgot to mention that (and anyway, shouldn't he have that on file?)
I barely looked at the name of the tablets before taking them
Big mistake Ruby
I was to take 7  a day
3 of one and 4 of the other
Not long after taking my first dose I started to feel funny and a bit spaced out
I lay on the couch and waited for it to pass but I began to feel worse and worse
I dragged my weary self down to bed where I stayed for the next 36 hours
Only waking up every couple hours to crawl to the bathroom to throw up
There was nothing to throw up but that didn't stop my body trying
I woke up this morning feeling a hell of a lot better but still unable to eat

But before you feel sorry for me remember that all of my pains and aches this week were self inflicted
I made the choice to take the enemas which blocked my bowel
I failed to check the antibiotics
I basically fucked up
And the horrible thing is that it was my mother's birthday yesterday and I spent it in bed
I made her breakfast in bed this morning to make up for it

Will I ever learn?
Will I ever stop hurting myself?
Will I ever just give up being in self destruct mode?

Answers on a postcard please..........

What recovery is like

I was having a nightmare of a day today, then I saw this.

Just because I fell doesn't mean I have to stay down.

I can pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going

I can do this

I  just need to believe in myself and do the opposite of what my ED wants

All is not lost

'Slip Sliding Away'

Yesterday was a nightmare
It really was
The day started out as normal
I walked my dogs
Did some writing
I was due to see Mary at 3pm
But around lunch time I developed a pain in my lower abdomen
My first thought was that it was the pancreatitis  coming back
But the pain was too low in my abdomen to be my pancreas or my stomach
It wasn't too bad at first
I've been getting this same pain on and off for a few weeks now but it always went away so I wasn't too worried
I got ready to go and see and Mary but as the pain got worse I knew that I wouldn't manage to drive the 30mins it would take to see her
My Dad was here so I went and told him about the pain
He said to ring Mary and cancel
By this stage I was doubled over in pain
I rang Mary and she asked me if I was purging
I said I was and she strongly suggested that I go and see my doctor
She also said that my condition is acute and I really need to think about inpatient
The service Mary works for really only treats mild EDs but she had agreed to keep seeing me

I rang my doctor and the receptionist said they were booked solid until Thursday
After I got off the phone I realised that there was no way that I was going to last until Thursday so I rang back
The receptionist said that if it was an emergency to come in at 4.30pm and wait for an appointment

I lay on the couch with a hot water bottle trying to figure out what was causing the pain
Then I remembered that I had used 2 enemas that morning
I was worried that I had damaged my bowel in some way
My Dad drove me in to the doctor and thankfully I didn't have to wait long
I explained about the pain and admitted to purging and using enemas quite a lot
He said if I was using these behaviours to lose weight then I shouldn't because they don't work
I do know this and I don't do these things to lose weight
I do it because I can't stand the full feeling
He examined me and said everything felt normal
He said that pain could be one of two things
It could be an irritation of the bowel due to the enemas
Or it could be trapped air in my bowel also from using the enemas
Trapped air made sense to me as I did feel bloated and full of air
As a precaution he gave me a prescription for antibiotics and said to come back if the pain persisted

I got home but the pain was still there, worse even
No matter what way I sat or lay down I couldn't get comfortable
The pain was becoming unbearable and I was in tears
Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore and was going to ask my Dad to drive me in to casualty, I had a brainwave
If it was trapped air, if I used another enema, then that could make my body expel the air
Of course it could also make my situation worse but it was risk I was willing to take
Thankfully it worked and the pain vanished immediately
Thank God!

It was a bit of a scare because I was worried that I had really damaged myself
Now I really need to address the problem with the enemas
I haven't told Mary that I am still using them
I think I may be addicted to them
But I have to stop before I do any more damage
Mary's words are ringing in my ears about inpatient
I spoke to my Dad about it
He said that the last time I left treatment my psychiatrist suggested that I try inpatient some where else
But there are limited places in this country
There are only 3 inpatient facilities and I have been to 2 of them
It's hard for me to accept that I need to go back to treatment because my weight is not critically low
Even though I know that weight is not an indicator of how sick I am, I can't help but feel this way
But what is the alternative?
Live another decade like this?
Keep seeing Mary but not make very much progress?
It's difficult because I really did think that I was making progress
I think Mary did too
Yes, I have been in better form
Yes, I did push myself over the summer
But now things seem to be slipping again
The purging has increased
My behaviours are getting out of control again
My mood is plummeting
To quote Simon and Garfunkel I am 'slip sliding away'

This illness is so sly and underhand
It let me think that I was in recovery
It let me think that I was on my way to becoming healthy and happy
It led me to believe that I had turned a corner
But it was a trick
A lie
An illusion
And because I thought I was improving I let my guard down
I relaxed a little
And now I am back in the hole again

I'm not quite sure where to go from here
I can't get my head around the idea of going back in to treatment
But I also can't get my head around staying this way for another year, month, week day
I can't live with it but I also can't live without it
My body is sending me signals that it is hurting
It's letting me know that the ED is doing damage
I went for years without having so much as a twinge but it was bound to catch up on me sooner or later

I am so grateful that my father was here when this happened as it would have been very scary if I had been here on my own
He comes down for a couple of nights a week when my mother is working away
He started coming down when I was very ill
It's strange because just last week I  was speaking to Mary about telling my Dad that he doesn't need to come down as much
But for some reason I hadn't said this to him yet
And now I don't know whether to say it at all
Maybe I do need someone to be here

I think what I will do is ring Imelda at the last centre I was in
And maybe ring the place where I haven't been and see what they say
I need to do it now or I will just keep putting it off and off
The last time I rang it had taken me a year to muster up the courage
But I just don't have the luxury of time any more

Something has to change I do know that
I just feel like shit because I had been so positive and now I feel that I am letting myself and everyone else down
I know what I need to do
I just need to do it

And then she escaped

My sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
Maybe I will

It's Monday morning and I'm just back from the doctor
After talking about sport for about 10mins, he asks me how I got on with the methadone reduction
I was pleased to report that my week was uneventful with not a whiff of withdrawal
I ask him how long he thinks it will take to come off it completely and he figures it will take about a year dropping 2mls at a time
I also want to know if he has supervised any other detoxes
He said that he has and they were successful
That's encouraging
He explains that because I have been stable for such a long time, he doesn't anticipate any difficulties
In his eyes I may be stable long term but in truth I am only stable a few months
I never really told him about my abusing my meds and it's only recently that I've got that under control
All the while we are talking I am coughing and spluttering
He asks if I have a cold
I have for the last 2 weeks and I can't see to shake it
He says he will keep an eye on it

I haven't weighed myself since Mary weighed me on Tuesday
I have no idea what my weight is
My ED is telling me that I gained but I know better than to take her word for it
I don't know why I stopped weighing
It wasn't a conscious decision
I just don't feel that overwhelming urge to know theMy b number
I don't miss it
Not one little bit
I don't miss the anxiety before I step on the scale praying for a kind number
I don't miss the high I get when I see that I've lost weight
I don't miss the black cloud that descends over me when I have gained
The feeling that I am worthless
Fat
A failure
I don't miss my day being ruined because the number is up
My mood being dictated by those little red numbers
Literally measuring my worth in pounds and ouncez
In fact it is so freeing to not know the number
Mary will weigh me tomorrow and that's ok
I may or may not look at the number, I haven't decided yet

I was in the chemist this morning
They have one of those scales that measure your weight, height, BMI and blood pressure
There was a girl weighing herself
She took off her shoes and as she stood on it she closed her eyes
I know that feeling
It crossed my mind that she might have an ED
As she collected her slip of paper she studied it carefully
I wanted to run up to her and say 'Don't do it! Don't weigh yourself! No good can come of it. Don't define yourself by a number, a scale can't measure how beautiful you are!
It's easy to say these words but I know myself that breaking free of the dreaded scale is very difficult
It's an addiction in itself

My birthday came and went just like any other day
I was blown away by all the comments, messages, emails and cards that I received
As I said in my last post my family and I went for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
It was so lovely and the setting was beautiful
It was a marked difference to my birthday last year
Last year I didn't want to do anything for my birthday
I just wanted to ignore it
My mother cooked dinner for my, my sister and my nephew
After dinner we were having tea and I ended up having a huge argument with my sister about her not allowing me to babysit my nephew
My sister left angry and I'm sure Oisin heard us
All in all it was a disaster
Thankfully this year was very different
I am in a better place mentally
Last year even though I was at a healthy weight, mentally I was in a very bad place
I couldn't see a way out
I was bitter and resentful
Full of self hatred
This year things are a little better in that respect
I'm slowly learning to like and accept myself
To forgive myself
To be free to be me
I often judge myself on past behaviour and things I did when I was in active addiction
I could beat myself up for the rest of my life but where would that get me?
I have to forgive myself, make amends where I can and let it go
I'm not a bad person
Yes, I have done some bad things and made bad choices but I've learned from my mistakes and I do try to be a better person

I've always had a hard time accepting myself and sought to be accepted by others
I was a people pleaser
I did many things to get people to like me
I changed my looks
I wore different clothes
I even changed my personality to fit in with other people
I remember when I was living in Dublin I changed my accent in the hopes that I would be accepted
Now it's not so important to me
I'm learning to accept that some people will like me and some people won't
And that's ok
I try not to change myself to fit on with others
I dress the way I want to
I just try to be me

Here's some photos of my birthday, enjoy...........

Outfit for the day

My sister and nephew gave me this mug, he he!

Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday tomorrow but I'm going to write about it today as I won't get a chance tomorrow
My family asked me what I would like to do to celebrate it so I suggested we go for afternoon tea in Castle Dargan
Again? I hear you cry
Yes this will be the third time I have gone for afternoon tea in the last couple of months but I love it!
It's a really lovely thing to do so expect lots of photos next post

Castle Dargan

Time is passing by so fast

I swear I blinked and a year went by

Birthdays are a funny time of year for me

More than turning a year older, it's a reminder that I've clocked up yet another year in the midst of this illness

13 years and counting

Almost half my life

13 years of living this half life

13 years of weight loss and weight gain

13 years of recovery and relapse

Of treatment and therapy

Of medication

Of being on the edge of society

Of isolating myself

Of being is self destruct mode

Of hopes raised and dashed

Of seeing doctors, psychiatrists and therapists

Of hating myself and loathing my body

I've given my ED the best years of my life and I'm not willing to lose another decade

I remember 2 birthdays ago I panicked at the thought of another year of being eating disordered

I rang  a treatment centre with the intentions of admitting myself

But I never got beyond the initial phone call

It took me a year to muster up the courage to ring back

This year has to be better

It just has to be

The last 12 months have been a roller coaster

Crippling lows and euphoric highs

I crave evenness

Steadiness

Balance

Bouncing from top to bottom makes me feel a bit crazy

I guess I just want to feel normal

As in not low and not high

Somewhere in between

Somewhere I can have peace of mind

Without the voice of my ED screaming in my ear

I do feel hopeful about this year

Hopeful that I can turn a corner and embrace recovery

Not just play the part of a recovered person

And I do play the part

Anyone who knows me or knows anything about EDs can see through the thin veil of my act

But to the untrained eye I think I seem perfectly fine

I want to 'walk the walk'

Not just 'talk the talk'

I know that I have a long road ahead of me

It can take months to recover physically

Years to recover mentally

 A life time to get over it completely

But that's ok

I'm in it for the long haul

PS. Mum's present to me was a trip to the hairdresser, here's the result!