What keeps you going?

It's Monday again
In one way time seems to go by so slowly
But in another it slips by so fast
I'm home from hospital 8 weeks now
And not a lot has changed

I saw my doctor this morning
Since my 'half hearted overdose' a few weeks ago, he has stopped my sleeping tablets
In all honesty I don't need sleeping tablets
Most of the time I sleep just fine
I used and abused them to escape
To get out of my own head
When I admitted that I had been abusing my meds, my sleeper was stopped immediately

The first thing my doctor said is that my psychiatrist recommended that we work towards coming off my anti anxiety meds
I said nothing
He asked how things are
I said that my sleep is all over the place
He said that sleeping tablets don't work after a month
That we become immune to them
That if I believe that I won't sleep, then I won't
He said that if he gave me a smartie and told me it was a sleeping tablet that I would sleep
He explained that he has elderly patients who have been on sleepers or 30 years and it is a battle to get them off them
'Why can't I battle you?' I asked
'Why can a little old lady win the battle and I can't?
He said he was always going to take me off it
'But you whipped it away' I said
'You manipulated me for weeks to stay on that tablet' he replied
At this point I knew that I was fighting a losing battle
I starting to sound like the junkie I am
'Ok I'll stop digging a hole' I said
He said that he is trying to fix me
That he hasn't given up hope on me
'I have' I replied
It was nice to hear though
I hope he meant it
Because I have all but given up on myself

I've thought a lot this past week about recovery and where I am at
Yes, I am in therapy
Yes, I claim to want to recover
Or at least want to want it
When Mary asks me what I want in life I give the standard answer
But in truth I don't know if I want recovery
I don't know if I can do it
I don't know if I'm strong enough
The thought of weight gain is terrifying
I feel huge as it is and my target weight is 10 - 12 kilos away
My weight at the moment is low but not critical
Part of me wants to dive head first straight in to my eating disorder
Part of me wants to go as low as I can
To stop fighting and let my ed wash over me and engulf me
It's so tempting to just disappear

I need to find a reason to fight
A reason to keep going
At the moment I can't find one

What about you
What keeps you going when you are struggling?

Anxiety

I don't know about you but I suffer from anxiety in a big way

I wasn't always like this

I remember being a teenager

I was so fearless

Nothing phased me

I could talk to anyone

Go anywhere

I was quite content just being me

Well actually that's not 100% accurate because I started drinking and drugging when I was a teenager so maybe there was anxiety there and I just didn't recognize it

Anyway I spent quite a few years in a drug and alcohol fuelled haze so if there was anxiety there it was well covered up

My eating disorder then cane to the fore when I got clean

And a bundle of anxiety came with it

For me, anxiety is a fear that I won't be able to cope with whatever life throws at me

It's constantly asking the question 'What if?'

What if I go out and leave the cooker on and the house burns down down?

What if I drive  up this hill and the car cuts out?

What if I start a new job and no one likes me?

What if..........?

It's constantly projecting in to the future and predicting the worst

I think anxiety also stems form having low self esteem and low self confidence

If you have very little confidence in your abilities, then you don't have a lot of faith that you can cope with the unpredictable 

I find that I have great difficulty making decisions

Because I think that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choice

It could be something as small as what brand of bread to buy

Or what colour to dye your hair

It's a fear of getting it wrong

Part of me can understand why people with OCD  obsessively wash their hands or use constant checking to ease their anxiety

The behaviours go some way to relieve their anxiety and make them feel better

Because I bought a new car recently I have had quite a lot of anxiety around it

My new car is an automatic and up until now I have only ever driven a manual

My father was encouraging me to go for this car but I was hesitant

I had very little self belief that I would manage the automatic

In the end I went for it and lo and behold, I can do it!

To date, I have successfully dodged 2 dogs, a cat and a sheep

(Did I mention I also have anxiety about running over an animal?)

Last week I was driving to another town about half an hour away

A few minutes in to the drive I began to think that one of the pedals was slippery

Cue visions of me crashing in to the nearest tree

I started to feel panicky and kept feeling the pedal with my foot

My breathing became shallow

I felt shaky and I was sweating buckets

I had to turn down the radio and take deep breathes until it began to pass

And it does pass

I experience a lot of anxiety around the unpredictable

If everything is going along as planned, then I am fine

But if something happens that I haven't foreseen

Then you can bet that my old friend anxiety will begin creeping in

Although this is all happening in my head, anxiety can be a very physical thing

I remember at Christmas I was asked to do a reading at my uncle's wedding

I can't tell you how much anxiety and stress that 3 lined prayer of the faithful caused me

For days before it I was obsessively reading it over and over again

The day of the wedding I had my brother on standby in case I just couldn't do it

As I sat in the church my heart thumped so loud in my chest, I was sure everyone could hear it

My palms were sweating

My face was twitching

It was like a huge adrenalin surge and all I could think was 'What if I fall?'

What if I stand up and my skirt is stuck in my pants?

What if I go blank and mess it all up?

All these thoughts were whizzing through my head and I really thought I was about to pass out

But I did it

I managed to act like the veritable swan

Calm on the surface but paddling furiously beneath it

So what if I had fallen

I'd simply have stood up, brushed myself off and continued as if nothing had happened

If my skirt had got caught, I'm sure someone would have told me

That's the thing with anxiety

The anxiety before an event is always far worse than the event itself

It's the anticipation

The run up to the event

9 times out of 10 things run perfectly smoothly

And if it doesn't?

So what?

I'll manage 

I'll cope

I just need to have more faith in myself

It's not the end of the world

I'll feel the fear and do it anyway

She says so confidently until the next time she gets anxious

I am on meds for anxiety

Quite a lot of meds

Yes, it does take the edge off

Mindfulness also helps

But nothing eases my anxiety completely

It's part of life

We all experience it

Some more than others

But most people don't let it stop them living their lives

Whereas at the moment I have

The strange thing is that I tend to get anxious about the smaller things in life

The big stuff doesn't phase me as much

I'd do a bungee jump any day of the week

But walk in to a room full of people I don't know?

No thank you very much

I was wondering about you?

Do you experience anxiety?

What helps you deal with it?

Answers on a postcard please............

Spot the anorectic

There is a girl in my area
I meet her from time to time
Mostly when I am walking my dogs
She speed walks up and down the beach and she is very underweight
I've never spoken to her
We just say hello as we whizz by each other
I saw her yesterday
She was ahead of me in the queue at my supermarket
She bought a bag of lettuce, plain yoghurt and bananas
Spot the anorectic
I bought chocolate and crisps and biscuits
Spot the bulimic

I am sure that this girl has an eating disorder
I wonder if suspects that I have one too
I am oblivious to my size
I go around thinking that no one knows I have an eating disorder
In my head I am a normal weight
I can't understand how anyone would guess that I am ill

For me, I find it quite easy to spot someone with anorexia
She's the girl examining food labels at the supermarket
She's the girl speed walking and looks like she's about to take flight
She's the girl whose body is so small, her head looks enormous
The girl whose eyes look massive in her head
The girl who eats nothing in public but binges in private
The girl who looks so scared
The girl who wears baggy clothes but you can still see her bones
She is a perfectionist
Her best is never good enough
She almost apologises for existing
She overly cautious
Afraid to step outside of her routine
She is in a constant state of anxiety
She feels that she has to be on the go all the time
Otherwise she is lazy

She's the girl who takes an hour to eat an apple
She cuts her food in to tiny pieces
Sometimes she weighs and measures her food
She weighs herself religiously every morning
Carefully recording any gain or loss
When she gains her whole day is ruined
When she loses she feels good
And then on to the next target

She believes that she is a bad person
Because she lies and keeps secrets
She believes that she is a burden to her family
That they would be better off without her
She believes that everything would be ok if she could just lose X amount of pounds
She remembers every comment anyone ever made about her appearance or weight
She stores them all in her head
She can never erase them

She feels that food is the one thing that she has control over
But realistically she knows that she is out of control
She wants to stop
She really does
But she doesn't know how
People are frustrated with her
Her family
Her friends
Her doctors
But she still can't stop

Sometimes she feels like she is going crazy
And fears she may already be there
Sometimes she feels like there is no hope
But she still keeps trying
Sometimes she gets angry with her situation and asks 'Why me?'
Sometimes she breaks and binges and purges for days at a time
She can't stop

Like most people she been through a lot
But she is more sensitive than the average person
She seems to feel things a bit more

Having said all this she is a fighter
And somewhere deep down, she believes that she will get through this
She is blessed to have amazing people around her
Who would do it for her if they could
If love could get her well, she would well be on the road to recovery

Even though things look bleak she believes that it won't be this way forever
She believes that there is hope
That there is life after an eating disorder
That one day all of this will be a distant memory
Someday.........

Darkness to light

Ever since I was discharged from hospital 6 weeks ago, I've been trying my level best to pretend that everything is fine
That I'm fine
That my life is fine
That everything is tickity-freakin'-boo
I've put on an all singing, all dancing show that I am ok
I had got so good at it that I had almost convinced myself

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my 'half hearted overdose'
I thought I had got over it
I thought I was ok
But this week I found myself again, sitting with a bag of medication in front of me trying to think of one reason not to take it all
I felt like I was breaking down
The anxiety was overwhelming
And the binging and purging was endless
The only person who knew about the previous over dose was my mother
I didn't tell my doctor as I thought he would stop all my meds
So I carried on like nothing had happened

On Tuesday I saw Mary
I wasn't planning on telling her but somehow I just blurted it out
I told her I was thinking of doing it again
She took immediate action and asked me to wait outside while she rang my psychiatrist
Having spoke to him, she told me that I had 2 choices
I could either present at female admissions in the local psychiatric hospital
Or wait for an appointment with my psychiatrist the following day
I agreed to the latter

Mary asked me to phone my mother which I did and she immediately came home
She also asked me to guarantee my safety  until tomorrow
I agreed
But when I got home it all got too much and I overused my meds again
Not too much to call it an overdose but enough to knock me out

I was nervous to see my psychiatrist the next morning
My mother came with me
I explained the situation to me
He said that I need extra support
And I do
I really do
He also prescribed me prozac which has proven very effective in people with eds
He talked at great length at how important it is to have a structure to my day
I agree
At the moment I have no purpose
No reason to get up in the morning
I am just floating along
So he is going to have someone from occupational therapy contact me
I left feeling slightly better
Slightly more hopeful

I have since told a couple of people how bad things are at the moment
I have to say I was surprised and relieved at how great people been
And it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders
I don't have to pretend now
I don't have to wear the 'I'm fine' mask

I'm just back from seeing Mary again today
She is being amazing as always
We talked a lot about anxiety today as mine seems to be getting worse
She assures me that when regular eating is established that both mood and anxiety improve greatly
That itself is a motivator
I swear I can't stand this constant fear that's inside me
It effects everything that I do and stops me from doing most things that I want to do
I made a plan with Mary for the week
I have to do it
More than having to do it, I want to do it

The point of this post is not to tell you about my horrible week
It's to tell you that there is help
That you don't have to do this alone
I think that eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies
We keep so much to ourselves because we are afraid
Afraid of our coping mechanism being taken away
Afraid that people won't understand
That they will judge us or think less of us
Afraid of being a burden
Of letting people down
But most of all we are afraid of life without our eating disorder
Who will we be?
What will we do?
What if we fail?
What if we're not good enough?
What if people don't like us?
What if?
What if?
What if?.........

Up until yesterday I really thought that pretending I was ok was best for everyone
My parents wouldn't worry
My doctor wouldn't change my meds
Everything was just ticking along and as long as Ruby seemed ok there was no panic
But the thing about this is that you can only pretend you're ok for so long
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's impossible to maintain

I didn't want to ask for help
I felt that I should be able to do this alone
I felt I was weak
It came down to 2 choices
Either lie down and admit defeat and take that bag of medication
Or reach out and tell someone
I'm so glad that I choose the latter
Because I do need help
And there is no shame in that

If you are anything like me you probably compare yourself to everyone and anyone
I look at other people and see them holding down jobs and raising children and being an all round superwoman
I spend so much time doing this that I forget about me
I forget that I am enough
I am a good person
I am able and strong and I can do these things too
My psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have many chronic conditions
I was quite shocked to hear this
I had never heard anyone put it like that before
I had always out my behaviours down  to being a bad person
I have to remind myself that I am sick
I am unwell
I do need help
I do need support
And that's ok

What I am trying to say here is that if you are struggling today
If you are feeling beaten and broken
If you can't see anyway out
If you have lost all hope
If you feel that you can't take anymore
Please tell someone
If there is only one thing you do today, tell someone
I promise you the relief you will feel is immense
Sharing the burden will make you feel so much better
After all if a friend came to you with a problem, wouldn't you do everything in your power to help them?
So whether it's your mother or father, your sister, your friend, your doctor
Tell someone
Do it today
I did it and I am already starting to feel better
A little bit stronger
A little bit more in control of my own life

You are not what your ed would have you believe
You are not fat or ugly
You are not a bad person
You are not selfish or needy
You are not a burden
Don't let your ed tell you otherwise

I know that I have a long way to go
I know that recovery is a lifetime or work
I don't profess to be doing it all perfectly
I'm still in it up to my neck
But this week I made a start
I broke my silence and told someone
And the help and support I got this week was amazing
With the help of my friends and family, I now feel like I have chance
A chance to live
You can too
It's right there, you just need to reach out and grab it

Today I feel hopeful
That I am not a lost cause
You're not either
Please remember that
We can do this
We can go from darkness to light

Secretly Starving

I wrote a couple of months ago about a reporter from The Daily Telegraph called Sarah Rainey who contacted me because she was writing an article about blogs about eating disorders
I answered some questions for her and the article was published last month to coincide with Eating Disorders Awareness Week
Here's the link





http://s.telegraph.co.uk/graphics/projects/inside-the-world-of-anorexia-blogging/

I saw Mary yesterday
For the first time since last September
I was nervous to say the least
Walking up the hill to the centre loads of memories came flooding back
The pub I used to go in to to purge
The chemist I used to get my enemas
I was early so I sat in the reception area to wait
This place is like a general health centre so there are lots of comings and goings
I love to people watch so I took a seat at the back for optimal viewing

I saw a woman come in with her two little girls
I man taking selfies of himself and his baby
I heard a woman talking about growing apple trees in her back garden
I could have sat there all day

Mary called me in
We walked down the corridor
It's a long hall
I peeked in to some of the rooms
The were all set up for therapy
Two chairs facing each other
The weighing scales
And the obligatory box of tissues

I sat down with Mary
My anxiety was massive
I could feel myself holding tension in my neck and shoulders
And my face was twitching too

I explained my current situation
That I been in and out of hospital twice in the last 6 months
How I get so far and then I get scared and retreat back in to my eating disorder
We went through that pros and cons of living this way
She asked me what I want to receive from this treatment
I don't want much
I just want to break this viscous cycle that I am in
Establish regular eating without purging
All I want is a life
A place of my own
A circle of friends
A partner
And of course lots of animals
I want piece of mind
To be happy in my own skin
To not hate myself so much
To not have a passive deathwish

I came out of the session feeling motivated
Feeling strong and ready to fight

Mary said that for the moment we concentrate on not losing weight and tackling my behaviours
I know that weight will increase though if I continue this way

All through the session, I was distracted by the black and white scales in the corner
Eventually she asked me to stand on it
I figured that it wouldn't be a true reading as it was mid afternoon and I had a lot of clothes on
Although my weight stayed the exact same

Overall the past week has been better
Since I hit rock bottom two weeks ago, I have tried hard not to give in to my ed
I pushed myself to get out of the house
To meet friends
To take car of myself, my home and my dogs
And it feels good to take responsibility
To be independent
I'm an adult for God's sake
It's time I started acting like one

Clare Richards - Slave To Food

I watched a documentary this week called Clare Richards - Slave to food
Some of you will know Clare as the lead singer from the pop group Steps which was around from 1997 - 2001



Since the band split up Clare has become infamous for a very different reason
Her weight
While in Steps, Clare maintained a very slim size 8 figure
But after the break up of the band Clare gained 4 stone





Desperately unhappy in her own skin, Clare vowed to lose the weight and participated in a magazine shoot to show off her new size 12 figure




Since then, Clare has lost and gained the same 25kilos over and over again
And the media was there every step of the way to document her journey

I think Slave to food was made 2 or 3 years ago
It was a fly on the wall documentary showing first hand her battle with the bulge
Clare admitted that while in Steps, she survived on little more than one meal a day
She said that she bigger than the other two girls in the group and felt huge pressure to remain thin
Once the band split Clare turned to food to help her cope

I thought the documentary was quite good
Clare was very honest about her struggles
She was aware that her battle with her weight had overshadowed any of her singing work and she hated that
She confessed to having low self esteem and said she was an addict
Some people turn to drink and drugs
Clare turned to food

I could identify with Clare a lot
I think that we are on opposite sides of the same spectrum
She said that she feels out of control when it comes to food
I feel the exact same
If I didn't purge I would surely be the same size as her
I swing between anorexia and bulimia
There is no inbetween
No middle ground
I do believe that it is possible to be addicted to food
For me, food can be an escape
For those few moments that I am munching through a bowl of pasta, I am in heaven
All I'm thinking is how good this food tastes
It's a high
A temporary high
As I am still chewing the last mouthful, I am already on my way to the bathroom
It's just completely out of the question that I would keep this food down
The full feeling and the anxiety is just too much to bear
Purging itself is addictive
The relief
The instant gratification
The feeling of being empty
And so I do it again and again and again........

A question that struck me while watching this show is when does an unhealthy relationship with food become an eating disorder
Yes, Clare's relationship with food was definitely negative and unhealthy
But I think it's safe to say that she doesn't have an eating disorder
So what's the difference between her and me?
I think the same question can be posed to a drug user
When does drug taking turn in to drug addiction?
I can only speak for myself
With my own drug using, I knew it was turning in to addiction when it began to take over my life
When it effected every area of my life from work to health to relationships
And the negative consequences began to outweigh the positives
It's the same with my ed
My relationship with food started to turn in to an ed when my life began to revolve around it
When it took up every waking moment
Every thought in my head
It became the only thing of any importance in my life
Nothing else mattered

A lot of people have food issues
Heck, nearly every woman I know has a complicated relationship with food
But most people manage it
They maintain normality in their lives
They hold down jobs
Have healthy relationships
My ed is all consuming
I think about it all day
That's when it becomes dangerous

So many women struggle with food and weight and body image
Clare is no different
Towards the end of the documentary Clare was starting to gain control of her life
It's something that she will have to watch probably for the rest of her life
It's the same for someone living with an ed
It's an ongoing battle
But I imagine that it's worth it
What's the alternative?
Certain misery and not much more

When do you think a persons relationship with food turns in to an eating disorder?