Tongue firmly in cheek!

It was last night
About midnight
Usually I would be tucked up in my bed at this time but it being Sunday night, I was all out of meds and paying the price for it
I just knew I wasn't going to sleep
Anyway
I was hungry
Not hungry as in I might have some crackers or some fruit
Hungry as in the hunger that only a person with an eating disorder can understand
It being Sunday and the end of the week, I was not exactly flush financially speaking so suffice to say I did not have my favourite go-to binge foods in the house
So I went on a scavanger hunt around my kitchen
My sister had dropped off 2 Easter eggs earlier that day but I was looking for something savoury
Most people are either a savoury or sweet person
Being the greedy bulimic that I am, I like both in equal measures
But at this particular moment in time, I wanted savoury
And nothing else would do

Pasta?
Check
Pasta sauce?
No
Ok, scratch that idea
Try the fridge
Bacon?
Mmmmm.........that could work
BLT maybe?
Yes, that sounds good
Tomatoes?
Check
Lettuce?
Check
Nice crusty bread?
No
Never mind, regular sliced bread will do

I peel the bacon out of the packet and slap it on the grill
That just gives me enough time to get everything else ready
I shred some curly lettuce
Slice some plump red tomatoes
Popped the bread in the toaster
Now for the sauce
I don't particularly like tomato sauce or mayonnaise
But mix them together to make a Marie Rose type sauce?
Heaven
Just enough creaminess from the mayonnaise and a lovely tangy bite from the ketchup
I open the mayonnaise jar and to my absolute horror (again only the horror that a ravenous bulimic can understand) the jar is empty!
Fuck!
Fuckity fuck!

Then I remember that I am one of those annoying people who puts the empty jar back in the fridge
Note to self: Need to stop doing that

Ok
The bacon is nearly done
What do I do?
Think Ruby, think!
What would McGuyver do?
I quickly scan the fridge
I spot some coleslaw right in the back
Coleslaw is made of mostly mayonnaise right?
That will work
I fish it out and check the expiry date
April 11 2014
After a few seconds thought I make an executive decision and decide to use it
There's no turning back now

My bacon is done
My toast has popped
I mix the coleslaw and the ketchup and quite frankly it looks disgusting
But I keep going
I place the lettuce, bacon and tomato neatly on my bread
I quickly make a cup of tea and head to the living room to settle down in front of the tv

I take a big bite
At first it tastes ok
The bacon is salty
The tomatoes are juicy
But then I get to the bread
It doesn't taste right
Not right at all
I try not to notice
I try to pretend that it is ok
I manage to finish half the sandwich before I admit defeat
This shit is revolting
I throw the rest in the bin
I wouldn't insult my dogs by giving it to them

I am distraught
All that hard work and love and energy for nothing!
After a visit to the bathroom I sit down with a cup of tea and a cigarette and think
I think about how this all started
How my whole week had lead up to this point
If I hadn't taken my meds earlier in the week then I would have had meds for tonight and I would be asleep right now
If I hadn't spent all my money on silly frivolous things during the week then I would have had money for some proper binge food for tonight
Or even further back
If I hadn't been discharged from treatment then maybe I would be better now I wouldn't even be thinking about binging and purging
If I had never been born then none of this would ever have happened
I could go on and on but I won't

It's 7am
I haven't slept
I have a doctors appointment in two hours
For everyone else it's morning but for me it's bedtime
Night night!

Peaches Geldof

I wanted to take a moment to remember Peaches Geldof
She was found dead at her home in Kent on Monday in a scene that echoed the death of her mother Paula Yates
Paula died from a heroin overdose in 2000 and when she was found her daughter Tiger Lilly was by her side
Peaches son 11 month old son Phaedra was also by her side when she died
The cause of her death is not yet known and toxicology tests are being carried out
Peaches was the daughter of the campaigner Bob Geldof
She was married to Leonard Cohen's grandson Thomas Cohen
She was 25 years old

Peaches was a child of the digital age
Every moment of her life was posted on Twitter or Instagram
Reports claim that Peaches family were worried about weight loss and low self esteem
She seemed to crave approval from strangers and strived endlessly for perfection

It's so very sad
She had everything
A loving family
A doting husband
Two beautiful children
An idyllic life in the country
And it still wasn't enough
Sleep well Peaches

Weight Gain

Since coming out of hospital, I had been consistently losing weight
That was up until this week
I haven't been weighing myself but I saw Mary yesterday and she weighed me
OK so it is not a massive amount but it's enough to make me feel like a beached whale
Even though logically I know I am still underweight
Even though all my clothes are small sizes
Even though I feel like crap a lot of the time
I still feel huge

That's one of the most cruel things about this illness
We never get enjoy the thing we crave the most because we never believe that we are thin enough
I am at the weight now that I wanted to be a few months ago
But as soon as I reached it suddenly it was too much and it was on to the next target
And the next
And the next..........
It's never ending
It's a moving target

The weight gain is changing things here in eating disorder land
I have a huge urge to restrict
A huge urge to lose this weight and more
At the moment I can't see beyond my ED
I can't see past it
I have no interest in anything
Food occupies my every thought
And I'm struggling to take my meds properly
I'm overusing them again
It's the only relief I get from the constant negative thoughts

I'm not sure where to go from here
I cancelled 2 appointments with Mary already
I just can't see the point of going any more
When I am with her I nod and agree and commit to changing
But once I am out the door it all disappears
Today I have desire to get well
Maybe that will change tomorrow but for now it is what it is

I know I'm probably feel this way because of the gain
I know it's a knee jerk reaction
I know that I will get over it
Eventually

I was wondering about you
How have you dealt with weight gain?
Does it get easier?
I would love to know

What keeps you going?

It's Monday again
In one way time seems to go by so slowly
But in another it slips by so fast
I'm home from hospital 8 weeks now
And not a lot has changed

I saw my doctor this morning
Since my 'half hearted overdose' a few weeks ago, he has stopped my sleeping tablets
In all honesty I don't need sleeping tablets
Most of the time I sleep just fine
I used and abused them to escape
To get out of my own head
When I admitted that I had been abusing my meds, my sleeper was stopped immediately

The first thing my doctor said is that my psychiatrist recommended that we work towards coming off my anti anxiety meds
I said nothing
He asked how things are
I said that my sleep is all over the place
He said that sleeping tablets don't work after a month
That we become immune to them
That if I believe that I won't sleep, then I won't
He said that if he gave me a smartie and told me it was a sleeping tablet that I would sleep
He explained that he has elderly patients who have been on sleepers or 30 years and it is a battle to get them off them
'Why can't I battle you?' I asked
'Why can a little old lady win the battle and I can't?
He said he was always going to take me off it
'But you whipped it away' I said
'You manipulated me for weeks to stay on that tablet' he replied
At this point I knew that I was fighting a losing battle
I starting to sound like the junkie I am
'Ok I'll stop digging a hole' I said
He said that he is trying to fix me
That he hasn't given up hope on me
'I have' I replied
It was nice to hear though
I hope he meant it
Because I have all but given up on myself

I've thought a lot this past week about recovery and where I am at
Yes, I am in therapy
Yes, I claim to want to recover
Or at least want to want it
When Mary asks me what I want in life I give the standard answer
But in truth I don't know if I want recovery
I don't know if I can do it
I don't know if I'm strong enough
The thought of weight gain is terrifying
I feel huge as it is and my target weight is 10 - 12 kilos away
My weight at the moment is low but not critical
Part of me wants to dive head first straight in to my eating disorder
Part of me wants to go as low as I can
To stop fighting and let my ed wash over me and engulf me
It's so tempting to just disappear

I need to find a reason to fight
A reason to keep going
At the moment I can't find one

What about you
What keeps you going when you are struggling?

Anxiety

I don't know about you but I suffer from anxiety in a big way

I wasn't always like this

I remember being a teenager

I was so fearless

Nothing phased me

I could talk to anyone

Go anywhere

I was quite content just being me

Well actually that's not 100% accurate because I started drinking and drugging when I was a teenager so maybe there was anxiety there and I just didn't recognize it

Anyway I spent quite a few years in a drug and alcohol fuelled haze so if there was anxiety there it was well covered up

My eating disorder then cane to the fore when I got clean

And a bundle of anxiety came with it

For me, anxiety is a fear that I won't be able to cope with whatever life throws at me

It's constantly asking the question 'What if?'

What if I go out and leave the cooker on and the house burns down down?

What if I drive  up this hill and the car cuts out?

What if I start a new job and no one likes me?

What if..........?

It's constantly projecting in to the future and predicting the worst

I think anxiety also stems form having low self esteem and low self confidence

If you have very little confidence in your abilities, then you don't have a lot of faith that you can cope with the unpredictable 

I find that I have great difficulty making decisions

Because I think that whatever choice I make will be the wrong choice

It could be something as small as what brand of bread to buy

Or what colour to dye your hair

It's a fear of getting it wrong

Part of me can understand why people with OCD  obsessively wash their hands or use constant checking to ease their anxiety

The behaviours go some way to relieve their anxiety and make them feel better

Because I bought a new car recently I have had quite a lot of anxiety around it

My new car is an automatic and up until now I have only ever driven a manual

My father was encouraging me to go for this car but I was hesitant

I had very little self belief that I would manage the automatic

In the end I went for it and lo and behold, I can do it!

To date, I have successfully dodged 2 dogs, a cat and a sheep

(Did I mention I also have anxiety about running over an animal?)

Last week I was driving to another town about half an hour away

A few minutes in to the drive I began to think that one of the pedals was slippery

Cue visions of me crashing in to the nearest tree

I started to feel panicky and kept feeling the pedal with my foot

My breathing became shallow

I felt shaky and I was sweating buckets

I had to turn down the radio and take deep breathes until it began to pass

And it does pass

I experience a lot of anxiety around the unpredictable

If everything is going along as planned, then I am fine

But if something happens that I haven't foreseen

Then you can bet that my old friend anxiety will begin creeping in

Although this is all happening in my head, anxiety can be a very physical thing

I remember at Christmas I was asked to do a reading at my uncle's wedding

I can't tell you how much anxiety and stress that 3 lined prayer of the faithful caused me

For days before it I was obsessively reading it over and over again

The day of the wedding I had my brother on standby in case I just couldn't do it

As I sat in the church my heart thumped so loud in my chest, I was sure everyone could hear it

My palms were sweating

My face was twitching

It was like a huge adrenalin surge and all I could think was 'What if I fall?'

What if I stand up and my skirt is stuck in my pants?

What if I go blank and mess it all up?

All these thoughts were whizzing through my head and I really thought I was about to pass out

But I did it

I managed to act like the veritable swan

Calm on the surface but paddling furiously beneath it

So what if I had fallen

I'd simply have stood up, brushed myself off and continued as if nothing had happened

If my skirt had got caught, I'm sure someone would have told me

That's the thing with anxiety

The anxiety before an event is always far worse than the event itself

It's the anticipation

The run up to the event

9 times out of 10 things run perfectly smoothly

And if it doesn't?

So what?

I'll manage 

I'll cope

I just need to have more faith in myself

It's not the end of the world

I'll feel the fear and do it anyway

She says so confidently until the next time she gets anxious

I am on meds for anxiety

Quite a lot of meds

Yes, it does take the edge off

Mindfulness also helps

But nothing eases my anxiety completely

It's part of life

We all experience it

Some more than others

But most people don't let it stop them living their lives

Whereas at the moment I have

The strange thing is that I tend to get anxious about the smaller things in life

The big stuff doesn't phase me as much

I'd do a bungee jump any day of the week

But walk in to a room full of people I don't know?

No thank you very much

I was wondering about you?

Do you experience anxiety?

What helps you deal with it?

Answers on a postcard please............

Spot the anorectic

There is a girl in my area
I meet her from time to time
Mostly when I am walking my dogs
She speed walks up and down the beach and she is very underweight
I've never spoken to her
We just say hello as we whizz by each other
I saw her yesterday
She was ahead of me in the queue at my supermarket
She bought a bag of lettuce, plain yoghurt and bananas
Spot the anorectic
I bought chocolate and crisps and biscuits
Spot the bulimic

I am sure that this girl has an eating disorder
I wonder if suspects that I have one too
I am oblivious to my size
I go around thinking that no one knows I have an eating disorder
In my head I am a normal weight
I can't understand how anyone would guess that I am ill

For me, I find it quite easy to spot someone with anorexia
She's the girl examining food labels at the supermarket
She's the girl speed walking and looks like she's about to take flight
She's the girl whose body is so small, her head looks enormous
The girl whose eyes look massive in her head
The girl who eats nothing in public but binges in private
The girl who looks so scared
The girl who wears baggy clothes but you can still see her bones
She is a perfectionist
Her best is never good enough
She almost apologises for existing
She overly cautious
Afraid to step outside of her routine
She is in a constant state of anxiety
She feels that she has to be on the go all the time
Otherwise she is lazy

She's the girl who takes an hour to eat an apple
She cuts her food in to tiny pieces
Sometimes she weighs and measures her food
She weighs herself religiously every morning
Carefully recording any gain or loss
When she gains her whole day is ruined
When she loses she feels good
And then on to the next target

She believes that she is a bad person
Because she lies and keeps secrets
She believes that she is a burden to her family
That they would be better off without her
She believes that everything would be ok if she could just lose X amount of pounds
She remembers every comment anyone ever made about her appearance or weight
She stores them all in her head
She can never erase them

She feels that food is the one thing that she has control over
But realistically she knows that she is out of control
She wants to stop
She really does
But she doesn't know how
People are frustrated with her
Her family
Her friends
Her doctors
But she still can't stop

Sometimes she feels like she is going crazy
And fears she may already be there
Sometimes she feels like there is no hope
But she still keeps trying
Sometimes she gets angry with her situation and asks 'Why me?'
Sometimes she breaks and binges and purges for days at a time
She can't stop

Like most people she been through a lot
But she is more sensitive than the average person
She seems to feel things a bit more

Having said all this she is a fighter
And somewhere deep down, she believes that she will get through this
She is blessed to have amazing people around her
Who would do it for her if they could
If love could get her well, she would well be on the road to recovery

Even though things look bleak she believes that it won't be this way forever
She believes that there is hope
That there is life after an eating disorder
That one day all of this will be a distant memory
Someday.........

Darkness to light

Ever since I was discharged from hospital 6 weeks ago, I've been trying my level best to pretend that everything is fine
That I'm fine
That my life is fine
That everything is tickity-freakin'-boo
I've put on an all singing, all dancing show that I am ok
I had got so good at it that I had almost convinced myself

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about my 'half hearted overdose'
I thought I had got over it
I thought I was ok
But this week I found myself again, sitting with a bag of medication in front of me trying to think of one reason not to take it all
I felt like I was breaking down
The anxiety was overwhelming
And the binging and purging was endless
The only person who knew about the previous over dose was my mother
I didn't tell my doctor as I thought he would stop all my meds
So I carried on like nothing had happened

On Tuesday I saw Mary
I wasn't planning on telling her but somehow I just blurted it out
I told her I was thinking of doing it again
She took immediate action and asked me to wait outside while she rang my psychiatrist
Having spoke to him, she told me that I had 2 choices
I could either present at female admissions in the local psychiatric hospital
Or wait for an appointment with my psychiatrist the following day
I agreed to the latter

Mary asked me to phone my mother which I did and she immediately came home
She also asked me to guarantee my safety  until tomorrow
I agreed
But when I got home it all got too much and I overused my meds again
Not too much to call it an overdose but enough to knock me out

I was nervous to see my psychiatrist the next morning
My mother came with me
I explained the situation to me
He said that I need extra support
And I do
I really do
He also prescribed me prozac which has proven very effective in people with eds
He talked at great length at how important it is to have a structure to my day
I agree
At the moment I have no purpose
No reason to get up in the morning
I am just floating along
So he is going to have someone from occupational therapy contact me
I left feeling slightly better
Slightly more hopeful

I have since told a couple of people how bad things are at the moment
I have to say I was surprised and relieved at how great people been
And it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders
I don't have to pretend now
I don't have to wear the 'I'm fine' mask

I'm just back from seeing Mary again today
She is being amazing as always
We talked a lot about anxiety today as mine seems to be getting worse
She assures me that when regular eating is established that both mood and anxiety improve greatly
That itself is a motivator
I swear I can't stand this constant fear that's inside me
It effects everything that I do and stops me from doing most things that I want to do
I made a plan with Mary for the week
I have to do it
More than having to do it, I want to do it

The point of this post is not to tell you about my horrible week
It's to tell you that there is help
That you don't have to do this alone
I think that eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies
We keep so much to ourselves because we are afraid
Afraid of our coping mechanism being taken away
Afraid that people won't understand
That they will judge us or think less of us
Afraid of being a burden
Of letting people down
But most of all we are afraid of life without our eating disorder
Who will we be?
What will we do?
What if we fail?
What if we're not good enough?
What if people don't like us?
What if?
What if?
What if?.........

Up until yesterday I really thought that pretending I was ok was best for everyone
My parents wouldn't worry
My doctor wouldn't change my meds
Everything was just ticking along and as long as Ruby seemed ok there was no panic
But the thing about this is that you can only pretend you're ok for so long
It's exhausting
It's draining
It's impossible to maintain

I didn't want to ask for help
I felt that I should be able to do this alone
I felt I was weak
It came down to 2 choices
Either lie down and admit defeat and take that bag of medication
Or reach out and tell someone
I'm so glad that I choose the latter
Because I do need help
And there is no shame in that

If you are anything like me you probably compare yourself to everyone and anyone
I look at other people and see them holding down jobs and raising children and being an all round superwoman
I spend so much time doing this that I forget about me
I forget that I am enough
I am a good person
I am able and strong and I can do these things too
My psychiatrist told me yesterday that I have many chronic conditions
I was quite shocked to hear this
I had never heard anyone put it like that before
I had always out my behaviours down  to being a bad person
I have to remind myself that I am sick
I am unwell
I do need help
I do need support
And that's ok

What I am trying to say here is that if you are struggling today
If you are feeling beaten and broken
If you can't see anyway out
If you have lost all hope
If you feel that you can't take anymore
Please tell someone
If there is only one thing you do today, tell someone
I promise you the relief you will feel is immense
Sharing the burden will make you feel so much better
After all if a friend came to you with a problem, wouldn't you do everything in your power to help them?
So whether it's your mother or father, your sister, your friend, your doctor
Tell someone
Do it today
I did it and I am already starting to feel better
A little bit stronger
A little bit more in control of my own life

You are not what your ed would have you believe
You are not fat or ugly
You are not a bad person
You are not selfish or needy
You are not a burden
Don't let your ed tell you otherwise

I know that I have a long way to go
I know that recovery is a lifetime or work
I don't profess to be doing it all perfectly
I'm still in it up to my neck
But this week I made a start
I broke my silence and told someone
And the help and support I got this week was amazing
With the help of my friends and family, I now feel like I have chance
A chance to live
You can too
It's right there, you just need to reach out and grab it

Today I feel hopeful
That I am not a lost cause
You're not either
Please remember that
We can do this
We can go from darkness to light