A weighty issue

Ok
I've been avoiding writing this particular post for a while now
But I feel I have to write about it
I have to be honest
So here goes

I came out of treatment in February
My BMI  was 16
In the weeks following my BMI dropped to 15
I was happy enough at this weight
I still felt big but I knew the scale wasn't lying to me
Logically I knew I was quite underweight
But along with my weight my mood began to drop rapidly
Along with the weight, I felt like I was losing my mind
This culminated with a 'half hearted overdose'
Mary stepped in
And also my pychiatrist
I was started on Prozac 20mg
Which was then increased to 40mg
Here in lies the problem

It took a good 6 weeks for the Prozac to kick in
My mood began to lift
I didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
Things were improving
But I also noticed some other changes
I am incredibly sleepy and dopey these days
And also I noticed that I am not purging half as much
I just don't feel the urge
Now don't get me wrong
I am still purging
Only now it has gone from 10 times a day to more like 3 or 4 times a day
That's good right?

Well you would think so
You would think that I would be delighted to be in better form and purging less
And I am
Kind of
The only thing is along with the good effects come some not so welcome effects
What is the one thing we eating disordered people dread more than anything else?
What is the one thing that strikes fear in to our hearts?
Yes you've guessed it
Our number one nemesis
Dun, dun dunnnnn!
Weight gain

At first I hardly noticed it
I haven't been weighing myself and Mary hasn't been weighing me too much either
Then I was in the shower at the weekend and I just felt bigger
Like I was taking up more space
I can usually tell from feeling my hip bones if I've gained or lost weight and on inspection they were noticably less sharp and pointy
So I decided to weigh myself
To my shock and horror the number was up quite a bit
I was quite disgusted with myself and vowed not to eat or drink a think until my weight was back down in a 'safe' range

An hour later I had calmed down and realised how stupid that vow was
Ok, my weight is up
But I'm still underweight
I'm still fitting in my clothes
I asked everyone around me if I looked like I had gained weight and they all said no (But they would say that wouldn't they?)
So I looked at why I was gaining weight
Here's the evidence

Exhibit #A: I am purging less, therefore I am keeping more food down, hence weight gain

Exhibit#B: I am in better form therefore less focused on weight loss

ExhibitC: I have recently started on a new medication, this could be effecting my weight

Anyway
Now that I have gained weight how do I deal with it?
Logically I know that it is not a huge amount (About 7 pounds)
Logically I know that nothing in my life has changed but my weight
This does not effect who I am
It just means that I take up a little bit more space
At this point it is very tempting to say fuck it and stop eating completely
But where would that get me?

The ugly truth is that this is not my first rodeo
I have been on the weight loss/weight gain merry-go-round for over 10 years
Lose, gain, lose, gain,  lose, gain........
I could go a weight loss mission and worry my family to death
I could hate myself and every inch of my recently expanded body
I could look in the mirror and cry as I watch my hip bones be engulfed by fat
But you know what?
I'm not going to
I'm just not going to
Maybe this is the Prozac talking but I am in better form for the first time in years and dammit I am not going to let my ED ruin that
I am not going to be tricked in to hating myself again
I'm not going to lose weight only to be told that it's not enough
I'm not going to absolutely wreck my head about every pound gained
I just can't handle that right now

Weight fluctuates and mine seems to really fluctuate
And usually my mood and self esteem fluctuates with it
But this time I am just going to go with it
My ED wants me dead
Of that I have no doubt
For the first time in a long time I feel like I may have a future
I may have a chance to live a normal life
Maybe even a happy life
I'm not going to let a few pounds ruin that
I'm not going to have a complete meltdown because I don't look a certain way
This does not come naturally to me
My instinct is to lose weight
I am making a conscious decision not to

Why is that we strive to be so thin?
Why is that we don't consider ourselves sick unless we are emaciated?
Why do we punish ourselves day in day out?
Why is smaller better?

I guess the answer is that it's all part of the illness
Our EDs tell us that we are not sick enough
Not thin enough
Not good enough

So I wanted to know what you think
Have a look at these two photos
Is there a difference?
Can you tell that I've gained weight?

Taken 2 months and a few kilos ago

Taken today

Healthline.com

I'm delighted to announce that And then she disappeared has been nominated as one of the best eating disorder blogs of 2014 by Healthline.com
Thanks to everyone at Healthline



I'm always amazed how things happen through writing this blog
I write in the hope that my story will help others
I write to break the silence that often accompanies addiction and eating disorders
I write to save my own sanity
I write in the hope that others know that they are not alone
I write because I am not a very good speaker
I write to give those suffering a voice
I write because I have to

Goal #1

Do you ever make goals?
I generally don't
I mostly float from day to day and don't give myself any deadlines to meet
But there is one goal that I make every single week
And every single week I never meet it
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result
In that case I am the living embodiment of insanity

So what is this goal?
Well, it's to make my meds last the whole week
Every Monday I go to the doctor to collect my script
Then I head to the chemist and walk out with my bag of treats
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds which I will list here

Methadone: 26mls per day
Mirtazapine: 45mg per day
Prozac: 40mg
Olanazpine 12.5mg per day

I get 7 days meds at a time
Every Monday I promise myself (and my mother) that I am going to take my meds properly
And every week come Sunday, I am all out
So Sunday is spent anxiously waiting for Monday
And I get precious little sleep on Sunday night

So this week I vow to make my meds last until Sunday
Come hell or high water I will make my meds last until Sunday
As God as my witness I will make my meds last until Sunday
And come Monday next week I will report back to you that I have indeed made my meds last all week

Do you have a goal for this week?

Darkness to Light, 2014

Myself, my Mum and Lea and Honey did the Darkness to Light walk this morning in aid of Pieta House
Pieta House is based in Dublin and does great work to help people who suffer from depression and self harm as well as families who have lost someone to suicide
The walk began at 4 15am
It was a 5km walk/run (needless to say that we walked)
The idea was that the walk started in the dark and then finished just as dawn was breaking
I heard about it a few weeks ago and was determined to do it so I roped in my my Mum
And of course Lea and Honey

My alarm went off at 2 20am
My first thought was 'Why the hell is my alarm going off so early?'
Then I remembered why I had to get up
Lea and Honey were totally confused when I got them up from their cozy beds
We all piled in to the car and set off
I was driving and it seemed to take forever to get there as the weather was terrible
Eventually we arrived and there seemed to be so many people
A lot more than I had anticipated
We were directed in to the car park and I parked as best as I could
We registered
Got our Darkness to Light t-shirts (in a very fetching canary yellow)
And soon it was time to set off

There were so many people
There must have been a few hundred there
Some were running
Most were walking
We hung out at the back where all the dog owners seemed to gather
Luckily the rain held off and in fact it wasn't cold at all

The walk took us all around the town in a loop
At first Lea and Honey were a bit wary around all the people but they soon settled down and seemed to really enjoy the walk
Dawn was breaking just as we finished the walk and it really was very symbolic
Hot cups  of tea were waiting for us when we returned
All in all it was a great experience

I took some photos
Some are quite blurry so apologies for that
Hope you enjoy.........

Proof we were up!

Cuppa to start the day/night

Some were more prepared than others!

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go!

They only had large t-shirts left so I wore mine over my clothes

Honey was ready or her bed by this stage

What's going on?

Cup of tea and a smoke at the finish line

Lea still doesn't know what just happened

I need my beauty sleep!

Recovery

I saw Mary this morning
It was quite a difficult session
First she weighed me
My weight was slightly up
I immediately wanted to run out of the room
I didn't want to talk about it
Didn't want to hear about it
But I didn't
I stayed put

We talked about where I am at
The purging is still a huge problem
It's up to 10 times a day these days
I told her how I feel like I am in a tug of war between recovery and my ED
She asked me about recovery and what recovery means to me
It's a very good question as I guess that it's different for everyone
So what does recovery mean to me?
Well in relation to food it means eating 3 meals every day plus snacks
It means not purging
It means regaining weight to a healthy but low BMI
It means being comfortable in my own skin
It means not feeling like I want to die all the time
That I want to numb myself or escape my own head
Recovery means having a structure to my day
Having a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning

It means my every waking moment is not consumed with thoughts of food and weight
It means not weighing myself at every opportunity
It means taking my meds properly
Engaging in therapy
It means eating my meals at the table and with someone else
It means going to my support groups
Having a social life
It means my family not having to worry so much about me
It means not fantasising about my own death
It means going out to dinner with friends
Going to the cinema and ordering pop corn and ice cream
It means going to the beach and being able to wear a bikini
It means being able to be spontaneous
It means being able to laugh
Being able to cry
It means being able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
It means not being perfect
It means seeing the beauty in life
It means knowing that beautiful comes in more than one size
It means not being afraid to succeed
Not being afraid of failure
Recovery means that I accept my past
That I don't let worried about the future paralyse me
That I can enjoy the present
It means treating food like a fuel
And know that it is not the enemy

Recovery means that my state of mind is improved
That I am not in a constant state of anxiety and fear
It means that I am more present
That I can be a support to others
That I can be there for others
It means that I can do the things I want to do
It means that I can make my own choices and decisions
It means being independent
Responsible
Managing my money
Paying my bills
Being accountable

Recovery means growing up
It means being able to look after myself and not depending so much on other
It means not being so hard on myself
It means being kind to myself and knowing that I deserve to be happy
It means doing the right thing
Having integrity
Being a good person

Recovery means meeting someone
Maybe even getting married and having children
It means not being a slave to the scale
Not defining myself by my clothes size
It means being free around food
Not denying myself
It means having a good relationship with myself and food
Liking myself
Loving myself
Knowing that I am enough just the way I am

Recovery means being able to make decisions and knowing that they are the right ones for me
It means breaking the silence of this illness
It means living and not existing
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day rather than dreading it
It means not hating my body
And recognising how truly incredible it is
It means being comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling that I have to be a certain weight
It means not having a meltdown if my weight changes

Recovery means helping others
Telling my story in the hope that it might be glimmer of hope for someone else
It means not surrendering to this cruel illness
It means fighting even when I feel like I am losing
It means not becoming a statistic
It means not letting Ana claim another innocent life
It means hoping
Having courage even when I am terrified
It means doing the opposite to what my ED wants me to do
It means getting up every morning and facing the day
Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going
It means fighting even when I feel like I'm falling apart

Recovery means life beyond my ED
It means overcoming adversity
Not backing down
Not purging
Not taking that drug or drink
Not giving in to that little voice in the back of my head says I am worthless
It means knowing that I am good person
That I have a lot to offer
As a friend
As a sister
As a daughter
As an auntie

Recovery for me means wanting to live
Striving for a better life
And helping others

What does recovery mean to you?

Stolen

My local shop is just down the road
I'm probably in there every single day
I used to shop lift food from that shop
When I think back on it, it was such a stupid thing to do
But I was unwell
I am unwell
This behaviour is one of lesser known things about eating disorders
For a long time I had no clue that my stealing was part of the disorder
I didn't know why I was doing it
I just felt a huge compulsion to do it
And it wasn't just food
It was anything
It was make up from the pharmacy
Clothes from a shop
Jewellery
Gifts
Treats for my dogs
Anything

I kept this shameful secret to myself for the longest time
I put it down to me being a bad person
Everytime I did it I would swear it was the last time
But it never was
I couldn't stop

I used to go in to my local supermarket and fill a shopping bag with binge food and walk out the door
I used to slip make up in to my pocket
Jewellery up my sleeve
I still have 2 boxes of unused make up in my bedroom
I didn't need it
I don't used it
It wasn't about necessity
It wasn't about not being able to afford it
To this day I am not quite sure what it was about
Maybe it was seeing something and wanting it right there and then
Maybe it was about the high of walking out of a shop without paying
Maybe it was about courting danger
Maybe I wanted to get caught
I don't know

Then one day I was reading the paper and I saw that a girl from my home town who had won a national beauty pageant was arrested for shoplifting in a clothes shop
Pyjamas if I remember correctly
It was reported that she had an eating disorder
I remember thinking that was strange
She had no reason to shoplift
I wondered if it was something to do with her condition

Then I was reading a blog on Wordpress one day and a girl called Fiona was describing how she used to shoplift food and had been arrested for it
I emailed her straight away
I wanted to know more
She explained to me how her stealing was all part of her illness
It all made sense to me
I was almost thankful to find out this information
I was glad that I wasn't doing this because I was a thief and a bad person
I was ill

The next time I went in to treatment I asked about the link between eating disorders and shop lifting
I remember being told that yes, there was a definite link
I was so relieved
Even though I was doing this horrible thing
Al least now I knew there was a reason for it
It is more strongly linked to bulimia rather than anorexia
Maybe because bulimia is so impulsive

Over the years I have met others who have used this behaviour
And I'm sure a lot more do but are too ashamed to admit it
I don't steal anymore
I have too much to lose
I did it once since coming out of treatment
I felt such huge guilt that I haven't done it since
I was lucky
I was never caught
But I remember talking to Mary about this
She said that the shops may have known I was doing this and didn't pursue it because I was ill
I hope to God that they don't know
I live in a small town
Word spreads like wild fire
But maybe they did know
I'll never know if they did or not

I'm writing about this today because I'm sure some of you out there have experienced this
I'm sure some of you have been there
I wanted to address this subject to let you know that if you are doing this, it's not because you are bad
It's not because you are thief
It's because it is part of the illness
It's a behaviour
It's a symptom of a bigger problem
Our eating disorders would have us believe that we are bad people
That we are selfish and greedy
That we only think of ourselves
We are not bad people
Far from it
The people that I have met with eating disorders are some of the most caring, loving and kind people that I ever met

I firmly believe that our eating disorders thrive on secrecy and lies
They get stronger of we don't speak out and talk about these things
If I hadn't started talking about the fact that I was stealing, I would probably still be doing it
And why don't we speak out?
Because we are ashamed
Because we are embarrassed
Because we are afraid of others reaction
Of people laughing at us
Rejecting us
Not understanding us

I also firmly believe that people use behaviours for a reason
And people are the way they are for a reason
If someone is binging and purging 10 times a day, it's not because they are a happy, well adjusted person
They started using that particular behaviour for a reason
It serves a purpose
If someone is a bully they probably have someone who is bullying them
Everyone is the way they are for a reason

Anyway
I'm going slightly off topic here
I just think that breaking the silence on these topics is half the battle
At least then we can address the situation
We can do something about it
So if you are shoplifting
If you are hiding something that is eating you up inside
Tell someone
Tell one person that you trust
I promise you  it helps
It really does
I am living proof of that
I am not proud of the fact that I used to shoplift
I don't particularly like admitting to it
But if talking about it means that I am less likely to do it again
Then I will do that
And I hope you will too

NA

Just a quick post to let you know that I did it!
I went to the meeting
I can't quite believe it
It's been 2 years since I was last at a meeting
And I finally got my bony bum there

Today was hard
I argued with myself all day
Picked up my phone numerous times to cancel
But I couldn't think of a reason so I didn't
I wasn't sure how much medication to take today as I didn't want to be drowsy
But I also didn't want to be anxious so I finally decided to take the recommended daily dose
I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be
I wasn't as scared as I thought I would be
It would have been so easy to let my eating disorder and addiction win
It would have been so easy to stay at home in my safe little bubble
It's would have been easy to go in to hiding
But I didn't
I went
And now I feel so good

My friend and her boyfriend picked me up about 8pm
We chatted the whole way there and anything and everything
My friends boyfriend reminded me that the last time I saw him was about a year ago
I remember I met him at a garage
I told him I would see him at the next meeting
It's hard to believe that a whole year passed by before I got to that meeting

We arrived at the venue and there was both an NA meeting and an AA  meeting on
I decided to go to the NA
It was a small meeting
Just 7 of us
I spoke only briefly
It was so good to listen to the others
They talked so much sense
And so positive
So real
Exactly what I needed

I met a girl there that I haven't seen in years
The last time I saw her she was in a bad way
She had an eating disorder and addiction issues
To listen to her tonight was amazing
She has come so far
And she helps others with eating disorders
We spoke after the meeting
She asked me how my eating was going
I told her the truth
How I was stuck in the binge purge cycle
How I nearly didn't go tonight as I thought I was so fat
She told me that I was the thinnest person she had seen in a long time
Boy did my eating disorder love to hear that

I'm back home and I feel tired but so glad that I went
I am so grateful to my friend and her boyfriend
To have people like that in my life
I feel positive
I feel hopeful
I feel alive