Alive and Kicking!

Thanks for all your feed back on my last post
It was really great to get all your opinions
The common response seemed to be that this is my blog and I should so with it as I please
I've thought about this quite carefully over the last couple of days
And I am grateful to this reader for bringing this to my attention as I really hadn't given it much thought

I've always written my blog for me
As a way to make sense of the crazy world I live in
I don't censor it
I've always written my blog as if no one reads it
But they do
And quite a lot of people do read so I guess it's good to be mindful of that
My family knows about my blog
I know my sister in Australia reads it (Hey sista!!!)
I let my family read my blog sometimes
And my mother has even done a couple of guest posts
I have absolutely no problem with anyone reading my blog
I know a couple of friends have stumbled across my blog also

In life I am quite an open person
About my eating disorder and my past addiction
I will talk about it to anyone who wants to know
I feel no shame about where I have come from
My life has not been normal
It's hadn't been smooth sailing in any sense of the word
Maybe I am so open because my family talks about these things
And most of my friends are recovering addicts/ or have eating disorders so I talk  very candidly with them
We talk about addiction the way most people talk about the weather

But as regards to posting photos of others
I will take care of ask their permission in the future
I forget that other aren't as open as me

This blog has been on a massive journey
As have I
It started out as something quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting trying to lose weight
But over time it has morphed in to me trying to get well
For a long time I didn't want to get well
I was pretty content to live with my ED
But as the purging got worse, life became unbearable
I was purging 10 -20 times a day
As I always say, I literally had a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
I truly do not know how my body withstood the abuse I put it through
I don't know how I am still alive

I spoke to Mary this morning on the phone
I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and now won't see her until next week
My psychiatrist is being changed so I have a family meeting next week to check on my progress
My new psychiatrist will be there
My doctor and Mary
And also my mother
I have to admit I hate these types of meetings
Everyone talking about you like you're not in the room
Trying to find positive things to say
It makes me cringe
I will go though
Out of curiosity if nothing else

I was supposed to see Mary today but I cancelled
Why?
Because I don't want to be weighed
The gaining seems to have stopped
And I think I might be losing again if my clothes are anything to go by
I just don't want to know the number
The numbers drive me mad
Knowing the number has a profound effect on me
I give it far too much importance
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
It goes down and I spin in to euphoria
So I think it's best not to know
I'm not too uncomfortable with my body at the moment
But that's because I know that I am still underweight
As soon as I reach the healthy range
That's when I panic

My mood continues to be stable
I feel quite positive and hopeful
I haven't felt this way in years
Do you know how much of a revelation this is?
Do you know how much it means to me not to want to die all the time?
It means more than I can describe
More than words can say
I wake up now and I don't dread the day ahead
I don't count the hours until I can go back to bed
I go out more
I see my friends
I get to the odd meeting
I talk to people
I make an effort with my appearance
I have more showers (Because when you are depressed showering just isn't a priority)
I'm not in a state of constant fear and anxiety
And best of all the purging has markedly decreased
From 10 - 15 times a day
To once or twice a day
The aim being to stop completely

Of course things are not perfect
My ED is still very much alive and kicking
And I do have to make an effort with all the things I just mentioned
I still have bad days
Days where I don't want to get dressed
I don't want to face reality
And I still mess around with my meds a bit but I am trying to work on that
I still have issues with money
But my quality of life has improved
And in turn so has the lives of those around me
It has a ripple effect

It's a beautiful day here today
I'm going to walk my dogs and hope and pray that this good spell lasts

Much love x

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous

That is the question
A kind reader left a comment on my blog this morning expressing concern that I am being increasingly open on my blog
I guess I am
I am posting a lot of photos
I include my family
Most of the time I write a post
Publish it
And don't give it a second thought
But recently I have
And I have deleted some posts this past week

I am completely honest and open on this blog
At first I was anonymous
I never posted photos
But over time I have shared more and more
I write about some gritty subjects
And I am not one to sugar coat things
But this blog now gets almost 600 hits a day
Maybe I do need to be more careful

This reader pointed out that posting photos of my nephew may not be  a good idea
I do have his mother's permission
But I must admit I never really thought about what would happen if one of his friends saw this blog and linked it to him
I would hate to implicate my nephew in any way

The reader also pointed out that my blog may effect future employment
To be honest this had never even cross my mind
I don't think that far ahead
But I guess it's something to be mindful of

So this is my dilemma
I want to be honest
I want to give a true and open account of what life is like for me
Being a recovering addict and eating disordered
This blog has documented the past 2 years of my life
Warts and all
I would hate to have to delete it all
This blog has saved my life many times
I'm not ashamed of my story
Or my life
And if anyone judges me on that, well that's up to them
All I can do is tell my story as best as I can

So I was wondering about you?
Where do you stand on the anonymous versus open blog debate?
Do you put photos on your blog?
If yes/no why?
Please do let me know

Happiness is......

Thinking back to this day in 2006

Not worrying about how fat I look in this picture

Happiness is hanging out with my nephew

Not hiding at home binging and purging



Happiness is spending time with my two best girls

Not seeing a low number on the scale



Happiness is spending time at my favourite beach

Not squeezing in to a pair of size zero jeans




Happiness is having a lazy day at home

Not feeling that I have to do a certain amount of exercise every day

Happiness is seeing my nephew's new born kittens

Not denying myself food and water

Happiness is the first smoke of the day

Not isolating myself every day

Happiness is writing about my eating disorder

Not living it

What is happiness to you?

Weight

My shape is changing and I'm gaining weight
Even though everyone around me says that I'm not
I know that I am
I know it takes a while for the weight to show as usually it goes straight to my tummy and takes a while to distribute around my body
My new shape is unfamiliar
I haven't been this weight in a long time

My weight has really yo-yoed over the years
While I using drugs from about 1999-2006 my weight was always very low for obvious reasons
But also all this time I had been eating disordered and I didn't know

July 2004 in the middle of a detox in London

Then I got clean and weight stabilized for a while
But it wasn't long before my anorexia spun out of control
As shown here

Avignon  2007 84lbs

Then in 2008 I was put on a high dose of olanzapine
I began to gain weight
And reached an all time high weight of 135lbs
I know it doesn't sound like a massively high number but I have a small frame and any extra weight really shows
As demonstrated here

Croatia 2010, 135lbs

January 2009

I was extremely uncomfortable at this weight
It just didn't suit me
I felt awkward and cumbersome and just didn't feel like myself
I'm not sure why or when it happened but I began to lose weight again
I remember putting on this white cardigan and it felt looser
I weighed myself for the first time on months and I had lost almost a stone
I wasn't trying to lose weight
It just happened
Cue another anorexia relapse
As seen here

Barcelona 2011 90lbs

Then in 2012 when I started seeing Mary I regained weight to a low but healthy BMI
I think to around 50kilos
I was ok at this weight
I didn't feel too uncomfortable
As shown here

June 2012

2012 - 2013 was a good year

My mood was mostly good

My weight was stable

I travelled to Australia for Christmas

I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February 2013

Everything was far from perfect but I was doing ok

But then in March I was hospitalized with pancreatitis

I was sick for quite a while and began to lose weight again

Summer 2013 90lbs

2013 was a tough year

In October I went in to treatment

It didn't work

I continued to purge and restrict and left hospital weighing even less than when I went in

February 2014, 90lbs

I think  I began to gain weight at the end of March this year

It's a frustrating place to be

I'm not severely underweight

But I am not at a healthy weight either

It's limbo

There are very few photos of myself taken over the years that I like

But I did find a couple

This one I like because I look happy, 2005

I think I look healthy here, Australia 2006

So that's the history of my weight

The ups and downs

The highs and lows

The fat and the skinny

Hope you enjoyed........

Medication Mondays! Guest post by Ruby's Mum

Hi, I'm Ruby's Mum. She has asked me to write a post for her blog this week. Here goes!

Mondays is the subject I've chosen to write about. I've chosen to write about Mondays for a number of reasons, the main one being that it's the day that Ruby gets her medication.

Monday morning I like. I don't work so I drive in to town with Ruby and the dogs. Usually she hasn't slept well on Sunday night. Anticipation? Excitement? Restlessness? Anxiety? It could be due to any or all of the above. While she visits the doctor and pharmacist I take Lea and Honey for a walk on the beach. This I enjoy. I love watching the dogs uninhibited delight as they rub, bound and jump on the strand. Lea usually has a good swim. They just fling themselves at Ruby when she meets us. Such unconditional love and loyalty!

Ruby usually tells me how she has got on with the doctor. Often they seem to discuss matters totally unrelated to her 'chronic conditions' which is refreshing. She can be entertaining and engaging company, interesting and interested. She's also direct, honest and intelligent. Anyway she has her cocktail of meds so she's happy and content.

We arrive home, have tea. Suddenly I notice her eyes begin to droop. No! Please let it be just tiredness, not the meds. I hope and pray. But unfortunately she overtakes her medication. She falls asleep wherever she happens to be. Whether it's sitting at the computer or watching tv. The most worrying aspect of this scenario is that frequently, she has a cigarette in her hand. The rug in front of the fireplace is scored with burn marks. I she has a newspaper in front of her, that becomes pock-marked with holes. I become consumed with anxiety. I waken her, encourage her to lie down. But she insists on making more tea which inevitably gets spilt on the same poor rug. She becomes a different person, a person whose a danger to herself and a person with whom I can't reason.

So I begin to feel desperate. What should I do? How do I handle this situation? Do I ignore it and hope for the best? I don't know. Lately I have talked to her about how it makes me feel to see her like this. I'm reminded of her heroin using days and it makes me feel desperately sad and helpless. It makes me feel I'm losing control. It makes me grieve.

And at last I think, I hope that she's beginning to use her meds correctly. Last Monday was a good Monday. Ruby didn't lose her lovely bright personality. She was the Ruby I know and love so well. Please let it last.

21

I guess I should explain
It all started during the week
I was in my bedroom looking through old diaries when I found this photo between the pages of one of them

It was taken the night of my 21st
Over ten years ago
I remember that night
Well parts of it
The house is a rented house that my mother and I shared
We moved out after my parents split up when I was 19
About a year before I had started using heroin

I remember my sister was home from Australia
My other sister was on her own path of destruction
This particular night all my friends came over
My mother even allowed my boyfriend in as an exception because it was my birthday
If I remember correctly I spent a lot of the night in the bathroom snorting cocaine
I wasn't eating either although I had no idea that I had an eating disorder

I guess in this photo I am about 80lbs
I don't know for sure
I never weighed myself back then

There aren't many photos of me during the drug years
And there definitely aren't any photos of me at my lowest weight
I kind of wish there were
Not that I want to be reminded of that time
But just to document it
I take photos every day now
I want to capture moments
So I don't forget them

Looking at this photo made me very sad
It was all ahead of me
Drug addiction
Anorexia
Bulimia
Now 10 years later I look back and it is all a blur
Like a dream
I remember bits and pieces
I have some memories that are ingrained on my brain
Sometimes I wonder how I made it out alive
Sometimes I wish I hadn't

After I found this photo I stared at it for ages
I kept it beside me
I wondered what was going through 21 year old Ruby's mind
Why was she so hell bent on self destruction?
Why didn't she like herself more?
Why did she hate herself so much?
I wonder what her life would have been like if she hadn't gone down this road
It just makes me so sad
And that's ok
It's ok

As I have said in previous posts my binging and purging has dramatically decreased
And that is amazing
I was talking to my Dad yesterday about it
He said that he had noticed too
He said that after he went to bed he used to hear me banging pots and pans and making food
And it's true
I used to wait or everyone to go to bed then binge and purge endlessly
So I thought I was doing better
I even went to a mindfulness course with my friend this week

But then I got thinking
Why am I not binging and purging so much?
Well, it's because I'm not eating as much
Not as much at all
My appetite is just not there
Is this anorexia tricking me?
Is she letting me think I am getting better but sneaking up on my from behind?
Am I just using my eating disorder in another way?
I'm not quite sure

Looking at this photo I can see how lost I was
In some ways I still am lost
I really want to move on
I want to grow up
I want to leave that girl behind
Or at least bring her with me

This is not a pity party
My life has been a walk in the park compared to some people
But it's all relative
I know that I am the person I am today because of the experiences I've had
I believe that it wasn't all in vain
I believe that everything happens for a reason
I believe that in a lot of ways I am very very lucky
And some where inside of me I do believe that I will be ok

My friend sent me a lovely text yesterday
To the effect that she is so happy that we are back in contact again
I still find it hard to believe that anyone would like me
How can they when I have so much self hatred?
I don't understand

I'm not sure that I am making a lot of sense here today
But I think that this
What I have been going through this week
Is all part of the healing process
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be

Duped!

I thought I was ok
I really did
I actually believed that I had a chance
That things were turning around
But now I think it was just lies
It was anorexia trying to lull me in to a false sense  of security
She is so cunning
So sly
And I fall for it every time