And then she disappeared

I often read a bloggers name or blog title and wonder what it means
Or why they chose it
It is obviously of some importance to them and I am intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing a title for my own blog, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply Anorexia and Me
But I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
Why?
Because I was planning to disappear
It was as simple as that

I started writing this blog just over two years ago
I had been reading blogs for quite some time and finally decided to start my own April 2012
Back then I was in a dark place
I had pushed all my friends away
I felt so alone
And I was in it up to my neck with my ED
I don't consider myself a very proficient speaker so writing was perfect for me
I feel so much more able to put my feelings and thoughts down on paper than I do speaking them

I was adamant that this blog would not be a pro-ana blog
But reading back on my first few posts I can see that I was coming quite close
I'm really not comfortable with the idea of people egging each other on to lose weight
It just doesn't sit well with me

So I was planning to disappear
I couldn't find a reason to go on
Recovery seemed so far away
I can think of a thousand reasons for you to recover but I couldn't find one for me to recover
I just wanted to slip away quietly
I felt like I was a massive burden on my family
I truly felt like they would be better off without me
I hadn't made any concrete plans to disappear
I hadn't decided how or when
But I would say that I had a passive death wish
I wasn't actively seeking it
But I was willing it to happen
I wanted it to happen
I just didn't have the courage to do it myself

A lot has happened in the past two years
The most significant thing that has changed is that I am not planning to disappear any more
I can now see that I have a lot to live for
I have an amazing family who cherish me
I know it would literally kill then if something happened to me
I have friends
One particularly good friend who has helped me massively
She has never turned her back on me even when I pushed her away
I have 2 dogs
Lea and Honey have saved my life over and over again
They will never know how much they have helped me
I've discovered a love for writing
I've found that I am not alone
That I am not the only one going through these things
I now want to live
I didn't want to for a long time
I couldn't see a future for myself
I couldn't see beyond my ED
Now I can
Now I can see that there is life worth living
That there is life after addiction and disordered eating

I know that I have a long way to go
I know it won't be smooth sailing
I know this will be toughest thing that I ever do
But what is the alternative?
Living this half life
Some where between life and death
In anorexias waiting room
I've given almost 14 years of my life to this cruel illness
I'm not willing to give any more

I don't even know if I can say that I am in recovery
I don't feel like I am
I feel like I am in a kind of wishy washy no mans land
Limbo
In between my ED and recovery
I'm an all or nothing type of person
Black or white
So to be in this place is beyond frustrating
I have one foot in my ED
And one foot in recovery
I need to make a decision one way or the other
Ed or recovery
Life or death
You would think that this choice would be easy
It's not
I want to hold on to some parts of my ED
And that's just not part of the deal if I choose recovery
It has to be one or the other

A while ago my sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
I really like that

I was wondering about you
Why did you choose the name of your blog?
What does it mean to you?
Do you have suggestions as to what I could change my name to?
I'd love to know

ED

I've written a lot over the past couple of weeks about how things have improved for me

And they have

I am so grateful for that

But everything is not perfect

The purging has gone from 10 - 20 times a day

To 1-3 times a day

This is a vast improvement but Mary says that it is still too much

I have to admit that there is a part of me that is reluctant to completely let go of my ED

It's not that living with an ED is particularly good or fun

It's a nightmare most of the time

The anxiety

The depression

The negative health effects

The isolation

The constant fear

The eternal loneliness

The emptiness of living this way

Even with all these horrible things

I am still clinging to my ED 

It was a similar situation with my drug taking

The life of an addict is pretty pathetic

You wake up

Try to find money

Take drugs

Go to bed

Wake up

Find money

Take drugs......

Every day is the exact same

It's like Ground Hog Day

But even though I living this nightmare I still had reservations about stopping

People think that the problem is the drugs

And it is

But it's more about why you take drugs

What you are running and hiding from

People think that once you stop taking drugs

Then  that is the problem solved

But it's only the beginning

Once you are clean, then you have to face life and reality

And that's exactly what you have been trying to avoid all this time

In some ways I wonder if I have even conquered my addiction

Because I went straight from drugs to medication

As you know I am on quite a lot of meds

And I struggle to take them properly

Isn't that as good as using?

I think it might be

Just because they are prescribed doesn't mean that they can't be harmful

Anyway

I digress

Back to EDs

Having an ED is like having a full time job

You work hard all week ie restricting and exercising 

And at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay cheque ie weigh loss

It's an all consuming occupation

A thankless task

Once you have reached one goal it's on to the next

We never get to enjoy the fruits of our labour

One reason why I am reluctant to give up my ED is that I have no clue what I would do without it

What would I do everyday?

What would I think about?

Talk about?

Write about?

What will I fill the ED shaped hole left in my life with ?

I guess there are a million possibilities 

But nothing captures my attention as much as my ED

I just don't know how I would fill my days

I started restricting and purging when I was in a very dark place
It was a coping mechanism
Over time it became a habit
An addiction
One that is so very hard to break
I do it now because I don't know any other way
I don't know life without it
It has become as natural as breathing

I haven't weighed in almost 2 weeks
I'm too afraid
There is  price to pay for being in good form
And that price is paid in pounds and ounces

Body dysmorphic disorder

I had a request yesterday to write a post about body dysmorphia
I think it's a subject that is really relevant to a lot us suffering from eating disorders

I got the following information from Mind.Org

What is body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)?

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder related to body image. If you have BDD, you experience concerns about your appearance that cause you significant anxiety and have a disruptive effect on your life. You may also develop routines and habits, such as excessive use of mirrors or picking your skin, to deal with the worries you have about the way you look. These habits usually have a significant impact on your ability to carry on with your day-to-day life.

I see myself as completely disfigured and I am constantly trying to convince people of this.

It may also cause other problems such as:

• feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness
• isolating yourself to avoid situations that cause you anxiety or discomfort
• depression or anxiety
• misuse of alcohol or other drugs
• self-harm
• suicidal thoughts.

Many people with BDD do not seek help as they are worried that people will judge them, or think they are vain. This means that many people are likely to experience BDD for a long time before seeking help.

People assume you are 'vain' but this is a serious life threatening illness.

What are the common signs of BDD?

If you have BDD, you have obsessions that cause you significant anxiety and may also develop compulsive behaviours, or routines, to deal with this. In this way, BDD is closely related to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). (See Understanding OCD.)

Although everyone has their own experience of BDD, there are some common signs.

Obsessive worries about the body

If you have BDD, you will often spend several hours a day thinking negatively about your appearance. You may be concerned about one specific area of the body or you may be worried about several different areas.

Common areas of anxiety include:

• facial features, such as the nose, eyes, hair, chin, skin or lips
• particular areas of the body, such as the breasts or genitals
• feeling that your body is unbalanced or lacking symmetry
• feeling that one of your features is out of proportion to the rest of the body
• feeling too fat or too skinny.

Some people with BDD also experience an eating problem, but not all people with eating problems will have BDD. (See Understanding eating problems.)

Common compulsive behaviours

You may also develop compulsive behaviours and routines to deal with the anxiety you feel about your appearance.

Common compulsive behaviours include:

• using heavy make-up when out in public
• brushing or styling hair obsessively
• obsessively checking your appearance in mirrors or avoiding them completely
• changing your posture or wearing heavy clothes to disguise your shape
• seeking constant reassurance about your appearance
• checking yourself regularly by feeling your skin with your fingers, particularly around areas you dislike the appearance of
• picking your skin to make it smooth
• constantly comparing yourself with models in magazines or people in the street
• seeking cosmetic surgery or having other types of medical treatment to change the area of concern.

I would say that I do suffer from body dymorphia

And have done since I was a child

I remember going to ballet class

We wore leotards and tights and our bodies were very much on show

Throw in a room covered in mirrors and you have a recipe for disaster

I remember looking at the girl in front of me at the barre

She was blonde and long limbed and so slim

I felt like a heffa-lump compared to her

Growing up I was convinced that I had huge thighs

I thought they are out of proportion to the rest of my body

I still feel like this today

But looking back at photos of myself as a teenager

I can see that I was a normal weight

My thighs were not huge

It seemed to be all in my head

It's extremely frustrating and confusing to have an eating disorder and not being able to get an accurate picture of your size

It's very strange to think that we can not trust our own judgement

Or even our own eyes

The mirror is not our friend

And we can spend a lot of time body checking

Or avoiding mirrors at all cost

I remember when I was in treatment

In the group room there was a huge mirror hidden behind a screen

During body image group the screen would be pulled back and the massive mirror was revealed

I hated this group

But sometimes it was very helpful

We did exercises that showed that a mirror is not always accurate

And it can be deceptive

We also did body mapping

This is where you draw the outline of your body as you think it is

Then you stand against the image and someone draws your actual outline

There was a always a big difference between the two outlines

I have accepted that I don't see myself as I am

If I look in the mirror, I see an overweight person

Even though my clothes are a small size

Even though the scales says that I am underweight

Even though I don't eat properly

Even though everyone around me tells me that I'm not

I still see a fat person

It's very disconcerting

The cruel thing about this illness is that we never get to enjoy the one thing that we crave

Thinness

Because we never believe that we are thin enough

Even when I had a BMI of 13

I still didn't believe that I was underweight

 I still thought I needed to lose more weight

So what can we do about this?

Well for me, I stopped body checking in the mirror

We see what we want to see

It's a pointless exercise staring at ourselves in the mirror because we zone in on the parts of ourselves that we don't like

And they become magnified

One way I try to get a realistic picture of what I look like is to look at photos

For some reason I can see myself more accurately in photos

I can see myself as I am

Maybe because it's more objective

I'm not sure
But I can see myself in a more realistic light in photos
Do you find that?

Where as girls seem to want to be smaller
Men seem to want to be bigger
Muscles are attractive to men and the bigger the better
I remember Mary showing me a presentation on BDD
She showed me a picture similar to this one

I think it's just as shocking as seeing a picture of a very underweight person

I think as eating disordered sufferers we see the world and ourselves a little bit differently
We seem to be more sensitive
We tend to be perfectionists
We are harder on ourselves
We judge ourselves more harshly
And that includes our bodies

I was chatting to my neighbour this morning
She knows about my ED
She asked me how I was 
We were just passing the time of day
Then she said 'You look really well'
This sounds like an innocent comment
And anyone else would probably love to hear that they look well
But not me

I interpreted 'looking well' as 'You've gained weight'
And I interpret 'You've gained weight' as 'You look fat'
So in my mind she has just insulted me
Only someone with an ED could make this connection

We live in an image obsessed society
We are the generation that posts every little thing on Facebook and Instagram
It's hard not be self concious 
It's hard not to compare ourselves to others
All too often our self image in interlinked with our body image
And that shouldn't be
Our bodies are just a shell
A vessel to hold what we are really all about
Our personalities
All the little quirks and foibles that make us who we are

BDD can take over our lives
I know that my own body image has stopped me from leaving the house many times
I look in the mirror and  hate what I see
A flabby tummy
Tree trunk thighs
An old face
Dry, straw like hair
But if I asked you what you see when you look at me, you would probably see something different
We zone in on what we think are the negative parts of us
And that becomes so big in our heads that we can't see the positive

So many people turn to plastic surgery to solve body image problems
We see people like Heidi Montag from The Hillsw who had 10 plastic surgery operations in one day
She became like a caricature of herself

Before



After

but rather than change our bodies to resolve this problem, I think the real work is done on the inside
Changing our perceptions of ourselves
Seeing ourselves as a whole rather than just a body or a face
I know that I have a lot of work to do in this area
I am far too hard on myself

I was wondering about you
Do you have BDD?
What have you done to try and change your body or your face?
Did it help?
What do you think can be done to help people with BDD?

Alive and Kicking!

Thanks for all your feed back on my last post
It was really great to get all your opinions
The common response seemed to be that this is my blog and I should so with it as I please
I've thought about this quite carefully over the last couple of days
And I am grateful to this reader for bringing this to my attention as I really hadn't given it much thought

I've always written my blog for me
As a way to make sense of the crazy world I live in
I don't censor it
I've always written my blog as if no one reads it
But they do
And quite a lot of people do read so I guess it's good to be mindful of that
My family knows about my blog
I know my sister in Australia reads it (Hey sista!!!)
I let my family read my blog sometimes
And my mother has even done a couple of guest posts
I have absolutely no problem with anyone reading my blog
I know a couple of friends have stumbled across my blog also

In life I am quite an open person
About my eating disorder and my past addiction
I will talk about it to anyone who wants to know
I feel no shame about where I have come from
My life has not been normal
It's hadn't been smooth sailing in any sense of the word
Maybe I am so open because my family talks about these things
And most of my friends are recovering addicts/ or have eating disorders so I talk  very candidly with them
We talk about addiction the way most people talk about the weather

But as regards to posting photos of others
I will take care of ask their permission in the future
I forget that other aren't as open as me

This blog has been on a massive journey
As have I
It started out as something quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting trying to lose weight
But over time it has morphed in to me trying to get well
For a long time I didn't want to get well
I was pretty content to live with my ED
But as the purging got worse, life became unbearable
I was purging 10 -20 times a day
As I always say, I literally had a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
I truly do not know how my body withstood the abuse I put it through
I don't know how I am still alive

I spoke to Mary this morning on the phone
I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and now won't see her until next week
My psychiatrist is being changed so I have a family meeting next week to check on my progress
My new psychiatrist will be there
My doctor and Mary
And also my mother
I have to admit I hate these types of meetings
Everyone talking about you like you're not in the room
Trying to find positive things to say
It makes me cringe
I will go though
Out of curiosity if nothing else

I was supposed to see Mary today but I cancelled
Why?
Because I don't want to be weighed
The gaining seems to have stopped
And I think I might be losing again if my clothes are anything to go by
I just don't want to know the number
The numbers drive me mad
Knowing the number has a profound effect on me
I give it far too much importance
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
It goes down and I spin in to euphoria
So I think it's best not to know
I'm not too uncomfortable with my body at the moment
But that's because I know that I am still underweight
As soon as I reach the healthy range
That's when I panic

My mood continues to be stable
I feel quite positive and hopeful
I haven't felt this way in years
Do you know how much of a revelation this is?
Do you know how much it means to me not to want to die all the time?
It means more than I can describe
More than words can say
I wake up now and I don't dread the day ahead
I don't count the hours until I can go back to bed
I go out more
I see my friends
I get to the odd meeting
I talk to people
I make an effort with my appearance
I have more showers (Because when you are depressed showering just isn't a priority)
I'm not in a state of constant fear and anxiety
And best of all the purging has markedly decreased
From 10 - 15 times a day
To once or twice a day
The aim being to stop completely

Of course things are not perfect
My ED is still very much alive and kicking
And I do have to make an effort with all the things I just mentioned
I still have bad days
Days where I don't want to get dressed
I don't want to face reality
And I still mess around with my meds a bit but I am trying to work on that
I still have issues with money
But my quality of life has improved
And in turn so has the lives of those around me
It has a ripple effect

It's a beautiful day here today
I'm going to walk my dogs and hope and pray that this good spell lasts

Much love x

To be anonymous or not to be anonymous

That is the question
A kind reader left a comment on my blog this morning expressing concern that I am being increasingly open on my blog
I guess I am
I am posting a lot of photos
I include my family
Most of the time I write a post
Publish it
And don't give it a second thought
But recently I have
And I have deleted some posts this past week

I am completely honest and open on this blog
At first I was anonymous
I never posted photos
But over time I have shared more and more
I write about some gritty subjects
And I am not one to sugar coat things
But this blog now gets almost 600 hits a day
Maybe I do need to be more careful

This reader pointed out that posting photos of my nephew may not be  a good idea
I do have his mother's permission
But I must admit I never really thought about what would happen if one of his friends saw this blog and linked it to him
I would hate to implicate my nephew in any way

The reader also pointed out that my blog may effect future employment
To be honest this had never even cross my mind
I don't think that far ahead
But I guess it's something to be mindful of

So this is my dilemma
I want to be honest
I want to give a true and open account of what life is like for me
Being a recovering addict and eating disordered
This blog has documented the past 2 years of my life
Warts and all
I would hate to have to delete it all
This blog has saved my life many times
I'm not ashamed of my story
Or my life
And if anyone judges me on that, well that's up to them
All I can do is tell my story as best as I can

So I was wondering about you?
Where do you stand on the anonymous versus open blog debate?
Do you put photos on your blog?
If yes/no why?
Please do let me know

Happiness is......

Thinking back to this day in 2006

Not worrying about how fat I look in this picture

Happiness is hanging out with my nephew

Not hiding at home binging and purging



Happiness is spending time with my two best girls

Not seeing a low number on the scale



Happiness is spending time at my favourite beach

Not squeezing in to a pair of size zero jeans




Happiness is having a lazy day at home

Not feeling that I have to do a certain amount of exercise every day

Happiness is seeing my nephew's new born kittens

Not denying myself food and water

Happiness is the first smoke of the day

Not isolating myself every day

Happiness is writing about my eating disorder

Not living it

What is happiness to you?

Weight

My shape is changing and I'm gaining weight
Even though everyone around me says that I'm not
I know that I am
I know it takes a while for the weight to show as usually it goes straight to my tummy and takes a while to distribute around my body
My new shape is unfamiliar
I haven't been this weight in a long time

My weight has really yo-yoed over the years
While I using drugs from about 1999-2006 my weight was always very low for obvious reasons
But also all this time I had been eating disordered and I didn't know

July 2004 in the middle of a detox in London

Then I got clean and weight stabilized for a while
But it wasn't long before my anorexia spun out of control
As shown here

Avignon  2007 84lbs

Then in 2008 I was put on a high dose of olanzapine
I began to gain weight
And reached an all time high weight of 135lbs
I know it doesn't sound like a massively high number but I have a small frame and any extra weight really shows
As demonstrated here

Croatia 2010, 135lbs

January 2009

I was extremely uncomfortable at this weight
It just didn't suit me
I felt awkward and cumbersome and just didn't feel like myself
I'm not sure why or when it happened but I began to lose weight again
I remember putting on this white cardigan and it felt looser
I weighed myself for the first time on months and I had lost almost a stone
I wasn't trying to lose weight
It just happened
Cue another anorexia relapse
As seen here

Barcelona 2011 90lbs

Then in 2012 when I started seeing Mary I regained weight to a low but healthy BMI
I think to around 50kilos
I was ok at this weight
I didn't feel too uncomfortable
As shown here

June 2012

2012 - 2013 was a good year

My mood was mostly good

My weight was stable

I travelled to Australia for Christmas

I spoke at an eating disorder conference in February 2013

Everything was far from perfect but I was doing ok

But then in March I was hospitalized with pancreatitis

I was sick for quite a while and began to lose weight again

Summer 2013 90lbs

2013 was a tough year

In October I went in to treatment

It didn't work

I continued to purge and restrict and left hospital weighing even less than when I went in

February 2014, 90lbs

I think  I began to gain weight at the end of March this year

It's a frustrating place to be

I'm not severely underweight

But I am not at a healthy weight either

It's limbo

There are very few photos of myself taken over the years that I like

But I did find a couple

This one I like because I look happy, 2005

I think I look healthy here, Australia 2006

So that's the history of my weight

The ups and downs

The highs and lows

The fat and the skinny

Hope you enjoyed........