There's something about Mary

Mary rang me yesterday afternoon after the meeting to arrange our next appointment
I asked her if it was true that she is leaving
She said it is
She said that it's important I come to all appointments until then
The service Mary works for is called C.A.W.T
Co-operation and working together
It's a cross border service between Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland
It's funded by the EU
But the funding has been pulled so Mary's job is no more
Her new role is in suicide prevention
She starts September 1st

This news came as bit of a shock
I've been seeing for more than two years
She has helped me massively
I can't even put in to words how much of a support she has been
The past two years have been rocky to say the least
But she has been a constant positive force in my life
She never got frustrated
Was endlessly patient
When I overdosed a couple of months ago, she was the one that sprang in to action
She has saved my sanity and my life many times

The fact that the funding has been pulled really angers me
This service is badly needed
Mary was always so busy and her role was vital in helping people suffering with EDs
But that's just typical of this country
It pulls resources from the people that need it the most
The say you can tell how well a country works by how they treat their most vulnerable
Well in that case this country sucks

I don't know where that leaves me
As of September I will have no counsellor
Mary specialized in eating disorders
A general counsellor just isn't tuned in to the way a person with an ED thinks
I will miss Mary terribly
She believed in me
She always told me that it was possible to recover
She was so positive

She's leaving at a critical time
A time when I need a lot of support
Things are just starting to turn around for me and I do need all the support I can get
Mary has so much experience in this field
She will be a great loss not only to me but to the service and many other people suffering

The thing about Mary is that she goes the extra mile
If I cancel an appointment she will always ring to make sure that I am ok
When I overdosed she rallied the troops to help me
She has such a good insight in to the mind of someone with an ED
I could tell her anything

As well as helping sufferers Mary is a great support to families
She brought Bodywhys to this area and set up a support groups for families which my mother attends

I just feel really sad that she is leaving
I'm sure there are many other people like me who will miss her dreadfully
I guess I will have to start looking for another counsellor
That sucks
I will have to start from scratch all over again
I've seen so many counsellors and therapists over the years
Mary was by far the best

She kept me accountable
She helped me see that there is a life beyond my ED
She helped me believe in myself
That I can recover
That I can reclaim a semblance of a normal life
I just hope that I can hold on to the progress that I have made
I know that things can nose dive quicker than you can say relapse
I know my ED will try every trick in the book to lure me back in
I have to stay strong
I have use the tools I have been given to live life on my terms
It's going to be hard
The hardest thing that I will ever do
But I am willing to do it

I was blessed to have has Mary in my life for so long
I'm so lucky to have  had the chance to work with her
She was one of a kind
As for me
I hope that I will be ok
I will lean on my other supports
I will continue to fight
Continue to battle the thing we call ED
I won't let it claim another young life
I'll do it for Mary

The meeting

I met my new psychiatrist yesterday
He is really lovely
Such a gentle manner
I'm kind of glad to change doctors as I used to butt heads with my old one quite a bit
This particular psychiatrist also spoke at the ED conference that I spoke at last year
He said he remembered me
That I gave a very articulate speech

We had a general chat
He reviewed my meds and changes nothing (Thank God)
He asked about the methadone and my plans to come off that
I told him it was being reduced at a rate of 2mls per month
And I hope to be off it completely in a year
He also asked me about my weight
I told him what I think I weigh

He then asked about my day to day life
What do I do to pass the time
I told him that I am a keen writer and write a blog
He seemed very interested in this
He asked me how many hits my blog gets a day
And also about pro-ana
I told him that my blog is most definitely not pro-ana

Then today I had my team meeting with Mary, the new psychiatrist and my doctor
It was a family meeting so my Mum came too
First Mary called me in as she wanted to weigh me and check my BMI because I haven't seen her in a few weeks
I really didn't want to be weighed and I didn't look at the number
But then I saw it when she wrote it down
Mary said that I must have been working hard to increase my weight
I didn't want to hear it
All I could think of was that number
That number that I didn't want to be
My weight is still in the anorexic category but if I gain any more I won't be
For some reason I want to stay in the anorexic category
I'm not ready to be healthy yet

Then we had the main meeting
It went quite well
Everyone was quite positive
My doctor said that I had been co-operating with the methadone detox
And I'm quite stable as regards my addiction
Mary said that I had missed a few appointment and they wanted to know why
I was honest
I said that I was avoiding appointments as I didn't want to be weighed
Mary said that it is so important to come to therapy when so many changes are happening
I know this
I know that I tend to bury my head in the sand when things get tough

They all said that I have a lot of potential
That I have a lot going for  me
I wish I could believe that I have potential
I wish I could see it
My self confidence and self esteem remain low
I am my own worst enemy
I get in my own way

Then they dropped a bombshell
Mary is leaving at the end of the year
I am devastated
They didn't say why
I'll ask her when I see her next
But man that sucks
What will I do without her?
She is my rock
The person who I can really talk to
I will miss her dreadfully

They asked me if I had any concerns
I explained that now I am working towards recovery, I'm worried that there will be more expected of me
That I'll have to get a job or go to college and generally do all the things that normal adults do
My psychiatrist said that the only person putting pressure on myself is me
He said that recovery won't be smooth sailing
There will be set backs and disappointments
He said that they are all working as a team to help me
It's step by step
This makes sense I think
I put massive pressure on myself and I am very hard on myself
But it doesn't need to be that way
I can go at my own pace

I came out of the meeting feeling quite positive
But they may think that things are better than they are
I didn't mention anything about struggling to take my meds properly
In fact my doctor made the point that I haven't messed around with my meds for a long time
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite
Putting on an all singing, all dancing show that everything is fine
They even said to me that I need to be honest with myself and them
How bold am I?

Now that I know what weight I am
It's difficult to maintain things
The ED part of me wants to lose it all
Wants to fast
Or binge and purge
I truly hate knowing the number
I hate the power it has over me
I wish I could see that it is just a number
It doesn't define me
It doesn't say anything about me
My personality
My achievements
My character
I wish I could see that
At the moment I can't
But hopefully some day I will

Despite this setback today I will continue to fight
I will continue to live on my terms
Not on my EDs terms
I will not weigh myself
I will not restrict
And I will do my best not to purge
I've lost almost 14 years to this illness
I'm not willing to lose another  year, month, week to this thing
I've fought my whole life
I know I have an inner strength
And that will see me through
Hopefully

Thank you!

I want to thank you all so so much for the overwhelming support I received after my last post
It truly blows my mind that people read my blog and leave messages of love and encouragement
It means more than you will ever know
Thank you

I must admit that I had quite a wobbly day after throwing away my scales
It was like my ED saw that I was trying so hard to get well
And it went in to overdrive
That on top of the fact that I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin right now and it made for a very difficult day
I felt quite reflective after writing yesterdays post
There have been a lot of changes recently
Mostly good
But change is hard
My ED is familiar and comfortable
Anything outside of that is pretty scary
I purged quite a few times yesterday
More than I care to admit
It was the worst day I've had in quite a while
It felt horrible
I felt horrible
It confirmed the fact that I do want to recover
I don't want to live this half life anymore
In anorexias waiting room

Getting used to my new body is taking alot of time and patience
I've gained quite a lot in a short space of time
I don't hate it but it does take some getting used to
Sharp bones and pointy edges have given way to soft curves
I feel bigger
Like I am taking up more space
I haven't reached a healthy weight yet but I am not far off it

It's really very strange because part of me feels like a failure
Like I have failed at having an ED because I have let myself gain weight
It just all feels so unfamiliar
So new
As I said the weight has all gone to my stomach
I'm not happy with that area but I know it will distribute eventually
It's a frustrating process
It's uncomfortable
And scary
But I just have a feeling that I will be ok

I saw my doctor this morning
He told me that Mary had requested up to date blood work
I love Mary
She is so on the ball
So he got the little butterfly needle out
All my veins in my arms have collapsed so he had to take it from my wrist
Painful
And messy
Blood went everywhere including on my clothes
I have a lovely relationship with my doctor
I've seen him every week for the last 10years
We rarely talk about medical issues anymore
Today we talked about child abuse
He reminds me a bit of my dad actually

I have a team meeting tomorrow with my new psychiatrist, Mary and my doctor
It's a family meeting so my Mum will be there too
I am truly blessed to have some great supporters
My family are incredible
The have been through my side every step of this journey
And all the while have kept a sense of humour
I am blessed to have Mary in my life
Everyone should have a Mary in their lives
Often I don't feel deserving of all the amazing people in my life
I get so much and give so little
It doesn't seem fair sometimes

As I said things are not perfect
I still struggle to take my meds correctly
The purging is still there
There is still so much work to do
I can't underestimate the power of my ED
She is cunning and powerful
I know I am at a vulnerable time right now
And my ED will try every trick in the book to lure me back in
I will take things slowly
One step at a time
One bite at a time

I had a reached a point in my life where I thought that recovery was never going to happen for me
And I was ok with that
I thought recovery was something that happened to other people
But now I think that it might be possible
There might be life after ED
I want you to know that it is possible for you too
I thought that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for me
I was an eating disordered addict
With major depression and anxiety
My head was a scary place to be
I courted death
I couldn't see a future
Couldn't see beyond my ED
But if I can do this anyone can
Recovery is there for us all
We just have to reach out and grab it

Again thank you so much for your continued support
At the moment this blog is an incredibly positive thing in my life
Amazing things have happened through this blog
And the best thing was meeting all of you
Knowing that you are all behind me makes this so much easier
So thank you
From the bottom of my heart thank you

Goodbye scales, hello life!

Ok
Because my life feels a bit out of control at the moment
And I generally don't feel like I am in charge of my own body right now
I decided to take back a little bit of control for myself
So I would feel like a willing participant in recovery
Instead of feeling like a hostage
So I decided to get rid of my scales

I thought of many ways to dispose of it
Smash it with a hammer
Throw it off a cliff
But because I live so near water I decided to throw in to the lake near my house
Technically this is littering but I'm sure Mother Nature will forgive me this one indiscretion

The preparations started last night

No more weighing my worth in pounds and ounces!

One last weigh in!

Smuggling my scale down to the lake

Honey reads this sign and then ignores it

Will she, won't she.....

She will!

Splash!

Goodbye scale, hello life!

I felt a bit strange afterwards
A bit sad almost
Not sad to lose my scale
But sad to let go of the girl that I was
That sick girl
The girl who was anxious and depressed
Lonely
Afraid
The symbolic gesture of throwing the scale in to the lake made me realise that I am growing up
Moving on
Things are not perfect
Far from it
My ED still has a certain hold over me
But I am willing to let go of it bit by bit
I am willing to recover
I am willing to live

Goodbye scale, hello life!!!!

Does this mean I'm in recovery?

The annoying thing about re-gaining weight is that it has all gone to my stomach
I know that this is normal and it takes time for the weight to distribute to the rest of my body
But man it sucks!
I feel constantly bloated
My tummy is vast and huge and I have little skinny arms and legs attached to it
I'm in constant discomfort
My clothes are tighter
I'm a different shape
Things are changing here in eating disorder land

I'm ok with the weight gain
I'm not over the moon about it
But if this is the price I have to pay for being in good form
Then I'm willing to pay it
I'm just terrified that my weight is going to keep going up
That it is going to spin out of control
I just can't take that

So this is where I need your help
If you have re-gained weight
Or stopped purging
How did you cope with the weight gain?
Did it plateau when you reached your set point?
I really need some reassurance about now so please do comment if you have experienced re-gaining weight
I'm afraid
This is all so new
It's so different
Does this mean I am in recovery?

Is this what recovery looks like?

Summer?

Summer is most definitely here
The weather is heating up
The are lobster red bodies everywhere
And all my family are on holidays (A lot of them work in schools)

I don't usually like them summer
I prefer autumn and winter
I hate having to get my arms and legs out
Hate feeling hot and sweaty
I love the snow and the frost
I love wrapping up
Curling up in front of the fire
I always thought that summer was for happy people
And for the longest time I wasn't a happy person
I was the exact opposite
Winter suited my mood
The long dark days
And I do love Christmas
Whatever mood I am in Christmas always gets me
The lights
The music
The atmosphere
I can't get enough of it

So what's on the agenda this summer Ruby?
Well, come a little closer and I'll tell you
The first exciting piece of newa is that my sister is coming home from Australia at the start of July
Those of you reading a long time will remember her being here summer 2012
And of course my trip to see her Christmas 2012
I can't wait
The thing about my sister is that I can be my bat shit crazy self around her and she doesn't bat an eye lid
In fact she is just as crazy
If not more so than me
So that's something to look forward to

What else?
Well this week my mother and I booked a trip to London in August
For 2 weeks
I was a bit apprehensive at first as 2 weeks is a long time to be away
And as you already know having an ED is someone elses house is a lot of work
Frankly it's a pain in the rectum
But what else will I be doing?
So I'm going
And that's that

Usually when I have a trip planned my ED goes in to overdrive
Have to lose weight
Have to be skinny
Have to be tiny
The trip is like a deadline
I have to lose as much weight as possible by then
And of course it was the first thing that popped in to my head after we booked the tickets
But you know what?
I'm not going to
I'm not going to kill myself
Starve myself
Deny myself
All in the hope that I will be thinner than everyone else

As I said earlier I hate getting my arms and legs out
So I've had to come up with a plan B
What will make me feel more comfortable with my body this summer?
My first thought was to get a tan
A tan forgives a multitude of sins
So I booked time in a sun shower
I went for my first one yesterday and I think I stayed on too long because now I have a big red belly
So get a tan is strategy no. 1

Strategy no. 2?
Have nice clothes to wear
So I went and raided my wardrobe to find some nice clothes to wear
An hour later I had found 6 pairs of comfortable yet fashionable leggings
And 7 acceptable dresses
Plus two pairs of light shoes (I don't do sandals, the world is not ready for my horrible feet)
So after all that I feel a bit better about facing in to the summer season

I haven't weighed myself in nearly two weeks
I just don't want my happy bubble burst
Everyone around me including my friends insist that I am still tiny and I haven't put on weight
But I have
I know I have
Maybe it doesn't show yet because it has all gone to my stomach
But it will
Have no fear it eventually will

What are your plans for the summer?
Are you like me and dread the thought of exposing skin?

Mindfulness

I am doing a mindfulness course with a friend of mine at the moment
We were there last night
Mindfulness is paying attention in a particular way on purpose
It's about living in the now
Being in the present moment
I was very keen to go to this course as I spend most of my time ruminating about the past or projecting in to the future
I also find it very difficult to just be
I always have background noise
The tv or the radio or music
Even when I'm falling asleep I have to have  my DVD player on
I don't like silence
Because when there is silence I think
And over think
And analyse things to death
My thoughts can be very negative and intrusive
So I try to drown them out

Last night was very interesting
We learned about thought diffusion
This is how to manage negative thoughts
The course tutor did a guided meditation with us
We had to imagine ourselves walking on a empty beach
Feet in the sand
Waves lapping
It's a peaceful place
Then we had to imagine something that was bothering us
We then had to write the word in the sand
And let the waves wash over it make it disappear
I found this really good
Very symbolic

For my word I wrote heroin in the sand
Because it has been bothering me a lot lately
I have been having a lot of drug dreams
Dreams where I actually use drugs
My ex boyfriend is always in the dream
It's horrible because I wake up thinking that I have used
It's such a relief to realise it was just a dream

My mother and I went for a walk on the beach this morning
We decided to practise the thought diffusion
The tide was coming in so we wrote our words at the shore

My word

Washed away

Mums words

Me and Mum

Having a dip on a warm day

Partners in crime