The Fat Feeling

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was kind of dreading today's appointment as I knew I would be weighed
You would think that being weighed so much that it would get easier
But it doesn't
If anything it gets harder and harder

I walked in to her room and saw the black and white scales in the corner of the room
'Have you been weighing yourself?' She asks me
'No'
'Why not?'
'I'm afraid that I've gained a lot'
'Well let's see shall we'

I thought about just flat refusing to stand on the scale
I thought about stamping my foot like a 2 year old and saying-
'No I won't do it and you can't make me'
But instead I was a good little recovering anorectic and obediently took my jacket and shoes off
Mary tapped the scale and I waited for it to go to zero
I held my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I didn't look
I couldn't bring myself to

'How much do you think you've gained' She asks
'About 2 or 3 kilos' I replied
In actual fact I hadn't gained a thing
Go figure

This continues to baffle me
How I can be so sure
So positive that I've gained weight
So sure that I would bet my life on it
And when I stand on the scales there is no change
Why is this?
I mean I know it's part of the disorder
I know it's part and parcel of living with an eating disorder
But I fall for the fat feeling every time

My weight seems to be evening out now
It's been the same for about 3 weeks
I'm not 100% comfortable with it
But I am getting there
I'm ok with my weight staying as it is now
But any higher and I will not be happy
I can cope with this size
I can still fit in to my clothes
Albeit they are a bit tighter and that takes some getting used to
They're not too small
I was just so used to everything being baggy on me that fitted clothes now feel strange

Mary asked me if I am body checking
I suppose I am
I always zone in on the parts of my body that I don't like
My tummy
My thighs
My boobs have gotten a lot bigger since I've gained weight and that is very strange
I'm  not quite sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing

That is the cruel thing about this illness
We never get to enjoy our thinness because we never believe that we are thin enough
That seems pretty unfair to me
Anorexia is a thankless job
There is very little pay off for all the hard work that goes in to it
There's comes a point when you are putting all this energy in your ED
But you're getting very little in return
This is when I started questioning it

I told Mary that I feel like recovery is happening to me
Almost in spite of me
A lot of the time I don't feel like a willing participant
It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not in control of what is happening
Mary said that of course I was in control
That recovery does not just happen

It was a good session with Mary
These sessions are precious now as she is leaving September 1st
I feel so lucky that I had the chance to work with her
She came in to my life exactly when I needed her
And it's so good that things are going well now
And she gets to see that

It was only 3 short months ago that I sat in her office crying my heart out because I had overdosed and wanted to do it again
That seems like a life time ago now
And I am aware that if I don't keep things together that I could be back there very easily
Being on my own the past couple of weeks has shown me that I can slip back very quickly
They say that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching
I haven't had much integrity recently
When I am left to my own devices I press the big self destruct button
I can't help myself

Exhibit A: I am not supposed to smoke in the living room which is a reasonable request
However this week, because there is no one else here, I have been smoking in there
And now I feel really crappy for doing this

Exhibit B: The never ending medication saga
Again because there was no one else here I misused my meds
And again I feel really guilty for doing so

I guess that's a good thing that I feel bad about it
I guess that means that I have a conscience
I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
But I tend to sabotage things for myself
Why?
God only knows

Now I have to tackle food again
I am not eating meals at all
I am just snacking all the time
A biscuit here
A cracker there
There is no routine
No consistency
I'm not really enjoying food at the moment
And I want to
Food is meant to be enjoyed

With all this said, I was wondering about you
Do you experience the fat feeling?
How do you deal with it?
Do you think that body checking is a help or a hindrance?

Home Alone

I've been on my own this week
My Mum works away during the week and my Dad usually comes to stay for a couple of nights but he is also working these days so it is just me and Honey and Lea
My parents are separated
They actually swap houses during the week
Because my mother works in the town that we used to live in
It's sounds complicated and a bit strange
But if it aint broke......

Anyway
I've been on my own for the past couple of weeks
I've been trying hard to be responsible
To keep the house clean
To keep the dogs fed, walked and watered
To go to bed at a reasonable time
And get up at a sensible time (The last few weeks I have been getting up at 5am)
In other words I've been trying hard to be a normal human being
This is harder for me than you would think

Feeding myself is not going too well
I have been living off salt and vinegar crisps and not much else
I keep forgetting to buy milk so am trying to ration out the last little bit I have

When my Mum is here, the house runs like clock work
There is order
A routine
There is an adult presence
When she is not here I feel like a teenager whose been left home alone
Standards fall
And there is a general feeling of chaos

I'm trying to keep the dogs routine going
To put them to bed at night
And not wake them up until about 7
I'm also trying to take my meds properly
This is not going too well either
Yesterday I took a double dose of everything
I feel asleep on the couch last night and woke up at 5 30
It took me a while to work out if it was 5 30am or 5 30pm
Then I worked out it was morning
The dogs were completely confused because they had not been put to bed
I felt like shit because I felt exactly the way I used to the day after using
That horrible come down
How ever I got on with my day and tried to keep the dogs to their routine

Last night I was pulling down the blind in the living room
I was pulling the string to lower the blind and I must have been pulling too hard as the whole thing came off in my hands
I then tried to roll up the blind manually and the whole bloody blind came off the wall and landed on top of me
I swear everything I touch I manage to break
I am a walking disaster
So I had to ring someone to come and fix it tomorrow

It just goes to show that when I am left to my own devices I make a complete mess of things
I feel like I can't cope with general responsibility
It's like I've never grown up
I am an eternal teenager

I will try again tomorrow to be a responsible person
I will make sure that me and the dogs are put to bed
I will get up at a reasonable hour
I won't do what I did yesterday and lie out in the sun without sun screen
I will lather myself in sun block like a responsible person

I will buy milk and bread and make sure that there is more food than crisps in the house
I will go to my meeting
I will go to see Mary
I will go to my course tomorrow night
I will have a shower and make sure I am squeaky clean
I will make sure that the house is spick and span
I can do this
I can be a responsible adult
I can be productive
Come on Ruby, you can do this!!

By the numbers

32: Years old

94/54: Blood pressure

2: Cups of tea this morning

?: Weight

24: Mls of methadone

12.5: Mgs of olanzapine

45: Mgs of mirtazapine

40: Mgs of prozac

17: BMI

2: Number of appointments I have today

60: Number of minutes I walked my dogs

2: Dogs I have

3: Number of cigarettes I've smoked today

12.32: Price of my groceries today

0: Number of times I've purged today

6: Clothes size

5: Shoe size

What are your numbers for today?

A day in the life of Lea the golden retriever

Hi I'm Lea
I'm 9 years old and I live in Ireland
I live with Ruby, her mum and Honey
Honey is like my sister
Even though I am bigger than her, I am in fact younger than her

I usually wake up at about 7
I look over at Honey and she is still fast asleep
She loves her bed
She spends most of her time there
I wait patiently for Ruby to come and let me out
I know she'll be here soon
I don't bark
I am very patient

Eventually I hear Ruby coming up the hall
She opens the door and I run out to greet her
She spends a few minutes rubbing me and Honey
Then I head out to the garden
I stretch and yawn and walk around checking that everything is as it should be
Honey goes over to the wall and barks at the dog next door
They do this every day
Bark and growl at each other
They are so silly
I go around to the front garden and have a nice long pee
Then I head around to see if Ruby is ready to go for a walk

She's not ready yet
I dance around her feet to remind her that I really want to go
She lets me in to the car to wait
I love going in the car
When Ruby first got me I hated the car
It made me feel so sick
But now I love it
I love heading of with Honey and Ruby
We have great fun

Finally Ruby is ready
I hear the jingle of the car keys and I know it's time to go
As we drive Ruby talks to us
I don't know what she is saying most of the time but it sounds nice
I only know a few words
I know my name
I know car
Dinner
Walk
Chewy
All the important words

We arrive at the beach and I am so excited
Ruby opens the car door and I bound out
The beach is one of my favourite places to go for a walk
We walk down the long path and over to the sand
I run around and roll on my back
Pure joy
I also go for a swim
I go for a swim every day
Sometimes Ruby throws a stick for me
I really enjoy that game

After a nice long walk we head back to the car
Honey and I sit in the back seat
Although Honey always manages to take up most of the room
I don't mind though
It's easier to let her have her way
Honey thinks she is the boss
But she forgets that I am much bigger and stronger than her
I let her think she's the boss
But she's not really

When we arrive home Ruby gives Honey and I a big juicy bone

I bring mine around to the front garden and sit and gnaw it for ages

I just love bones

Honey always burys hers in her bed

She's so silly

Soon it's dinner time

One of my favourite times of the day

I sit at the back step and watch Ruby prepare the food

Yummy nuts

Dog food

Tuna and ham

 I gobble mine down quickly

Honey always comes over to my dish when I am finished

She is so greedy

I love living here

Ruby brought me her when I was 5 months old

I was living with my mother and my brothers

We were kept in a big cage

I was the runt of the litter

I remember the day Ruby came to pick me up

I was so scared

I didn't want to leave my family and I didn't know where I was going

When I got to Ruby's house I hid under the bushes for a full day

I didn't know where I was and I missed my family so much

But Ruby and her family were so nice to me

Even Honey was nice to me

It took me a while but eventually I settled in

I'm quite a nervous dog by nature but as time has gone on I've become more and more confident

I'm glad that I live here now

I have a lovely big garden

I go for walks every day

And Honey and Ruby and her Mum are my new family now

I spend the rest of the day mooching around the garden or sleeping on the back step

It's summer now so Honey and I can lie out until late

Sometimes Ruby's nephew comes down

I love playing with him

Soon it is night time and it's time for bed

I lie on the mat in the kitchen until Ruby puts me in to bed

It's been a long day and I am tired

I better get a good nights sleep because tomorrow we do it all again

Lots of love

Lea x

The toothache

Thank God it's Monday
Thank God the weekend is over
And all the horrible things that happened are in the past
Let me explain......

For the past two weeks I have been getting terrible acid reflux
It's been constant and it's been driving me bananas
It feels like the acid in my stomach is climbing up my oesophagus and giving me the most painful and uncomfortable sensation
I can't eat with it
It's been making me very ill
And I've been eating Rennie like no body's business but no relief
That was the first complaint

Then on Friday a dull ache began to develop in my tooth
I tried to ignore it
Tried to pretend it wasn't there
And hoped and prayed that it would go away
Of course it didn't
It got progressively worse
Yesterday the pain got so bad I was tempted to rip it out with a pair of pliers
Figuring that that would cause me even more pain I decided against it
Between the acid reflux and my tooth I felt like I was losing my marbles

Yesterday was my sisters birthday and her and my nephew were coming for dinner
I didn't know how I was going to get through the day so I went on the hunt for some strong painkillers
All I could find was a box of tablets called Feminax
Which are for period pain
I checked the ingredients and saw that they contained codeine paracetemol
That would do

The box said to take one
But for reasons best known to myself I took 5
Yes 5
I've always been like this
It's like I think that the manufacturers are erring on the side of caution when they recommend a dose
So I always take more to get maximum effect
Also maybe the fact that I am an addict and I am hoping to get some sort of buzz

A while later and my toothache had vanished
But then I started to feel a bit strange
I felt lightheaded and dizzy
Like I was outside of my own body
I felt slightly drunk
And was bumping in to things
It wasn't an enjoyable feeling
I felt sick to my stomach and was so sorry that I had taken so many

It took a few hours for the strange feeling to pass
I managed to eat a little dinner and hang out with my nephew
Then after my sister left my toothache came back with vengeance
I took 4 paracetemol
But they didn't work
So I had the not so bright idea to take more Feminax
And proceeded to take 4 more
It wasn't long before I was feeling that weird feeling again
What is wrong with me?
I never learn
I remember once I bought diet pills off the internet
The recommended dose was 2 a day
I took 12
Who does that?
Me apparently

I was so sick last night
I was vomiting at regular intervals
My acid reflux was unbearable
I was in so much pain and discomfort
All I could do was lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself
I really felt so horrible
Mu mum told me that I looked grey in the face
She wanted to bring me to casualty but I refused because I knew I would be seeing my doctor first thing this morning

This is what happens when I do things my way
I think that Ruby's way is best
And all common sense goes out the window
Boy did I pay the price

Thankfully I slept last night
And woke up feeling a lot better
Mum reminded me that when I was in hospital last year they did the test where they put a camera down your throat
My oesophagus was inflamed
So we decided that if it got any worse we would go to casualty

I saw my doctor this morning
He confirmed that it was acid reflux
He prescribed me a tablet for it
I asked him if this could happen as a result of purging
He said it definitely could

It just goes to show the negative effects of having an eating disorder
And my toothache is sure to be as a result of it too
I rang my dentist this morning and will go to see him soon
Most of the time I go along thinking that my ED is not causing me any problems
That everything is ok
But even now when things are a lot better
My ED still can cause problems

I feel a lot better today
Thank freakin' Jesus
I know that I need t take better care of myself
I am generally not very good at that
I wait until I am in unbearable pain before I do anything
My teeth are in a sorry state
I have regular trouble with them
That's what I get for rinsing them in acid every day for 14 years

Today I feel weak and listless
My body is weary and tired
The older I get the more health problems I get
I forget that eating disorders take a serious toll on our bodies
I've abused my body so much over the years it's a wonder that I am still alive at all

Not being able to eat properly is a huge trigger
Although the good part about that is that I am not purging very much at all
I know that as quickly as I put on weight
I can lose it all very quickly too
I am going to rest today
That is taking care of myself
That is being mindful of my health
Will I ever learn?

June 15th

We celebrated my sisters birthday today
I won't say what age she is as she might sue me for slander
We made dinner
Roast chicken
I was in charge of the veg and the dessert
I make a mean Eton Mess
Actually it's the only dessert I make
I will have to expand my repertoire one of these days
Anyway
A good day was had by all
Here is some photographic evidence
My nephew helped me with the captions.........

Mmmm berries!

Honey supervised proceedings from her bed

Ducky slippers

Lip smacking good!

My bone!

Ruby the friendly ghost!

Oh God we'll have to eat this later!

Now now Ruby, put that knife down!

One of your 5 a day

Eton Mess

This is mine
What are you having?

Welcome to the mad house

Do it yourself my arm's tired!

Sugar high!

Family food stuffs

Blessed are the cooks

My skin and blister

The Itch

We have a family friend who I will call P
We've known him since we moved here 9 years ago
Because it is just me and Mum in the house, we have no man here to do man type things
Like DIY and things like that
So we found P
He's here at least one or two days a week doing something or other
And often he calls in just for a cuppa
P was painting the inside of our house this week so I spent a bit of time with him
Making him  tea and sandwiches
He has seen my ups and downs all through the years

This morning me and Mum were walking the beach and we were talking about P
Mum said that he made a comment to her that I am in very good form
And it is great to see me like that
I remember when I was drinking
P used to be here working in the garden
I would arrive back from the shops with my bottle of vodka and bag full of meds
He would try and get me to help him
Or just talk to him
Anything so I wouldn't be drinking
I never took him up on his offer
I had vodka to drink
And pills to take

Mum reminded me this morning that once P came in to the house and found me passed out on the floor
He stayed with me until I came to
And then brought me for a spin in his van
I don't remember this
But I do have a vague memory of going for tea with him somewhere
Mum said that P didn't tell her about this incident until years later
And that he was very worried about me

My mother also reminded me that she came home many times to find me on the floor
I was taking a lethal combination of alcohol and tablets
I remember every time I bought a bottle of vodka, I would swear it was my last time
Classic alcoholic talk
I couldn't stop
I didn't want to stop
I craved oblivion
I wanted to sleep forever
Because I was drinking I wasn't eating
I was surviving on a diet of booze and pills

I don't remember a lot about that time
Obviously because I was out of my head
I had to ask my mother how this all stopped
She reminded me that I went in to treatment for my ED for the first time
I remember we travelled to Dublin the night before
We stayed in a hotel and I got drunk
I was admitted to hospital the next day
But then I went in to alcohol withdrawal so they promptly kicked me out of treatment
It was an awful time

I can't really remember what happened next
I think I went to a different treatment centre
I managed to stop drinking
But that was only because I was on enough medication to numb me effectively

That seems like a life time ago
So much has happened since then
So many ups and downs
Highs and lows
I can look back now and thank my lucky stars that I survived
That I am still here
Alive and kicking
Now that I am in a better place
I can truly see what a dark and horrible time that was
When you are that low you don't realise how bad things are
You don't see the darkness until you have experienced the light
I guess that makes sense

I've been so blessed over the years to have had some amazingly caring people in my life
A lot of them have come and gone
But they have all been there exactly when I needed them
When P found me that day he looked after me
He could have robbed the house
Taken advantage of me
But he didn't
Some people would call them angels sent in to our lives
Some people would call them good samaritans
Who ever they are
They are good and honest people

Addiction is such a horrible place to be
All you want is to be alone with your drink or your drug
Nothing and no one else matters
Not your mother
Your father
Your sister or brother
Even your children
The drug always comes first
Eating disorders are so similar to addiction
I guess they are a form of addiction

I've written this analogy before to describe addiction but I will write it again

Imagine you have an itch
It's the itchiest itch you could ever imagine
It's all you can think about
You are completely consumed by it
You just have to scratch it
You can't help yourself
Now imagine that instead of finger nails you have razor blades
Every time you scratch you tear in to your flesh
Your skin is in ribbons
But you can't stop
That itch is just too powerful
Your family try to get you to stop
They beg you to stop
But you can't
You just can't
You know that if you keep scratching that you will die
You don't care
All you want is the relief from that itch

This is what addiction is like
That itch could be emotional pain
You're in so much pain that you uses anything and everything to numb that pain
Most people will hit a rock bottom of some sort
I had many rock bottoms
Then it boils down to  choice
Do you want to keep going and kill yourself and break your families heart?
Or do you want to have a shot of having a life?
You would think that the answer is simple
But addiction is so cunning and powerful that it will try everything to lure you back in
Just like anorexia or bulimia

In AA they say that the people in the rooms are hand picked
I love that thought
That every one of us is there for a reason
That we matter
We have a purpose
I'm not sure of my purpose yet
Do you have any ideas?