Just in the nick of time

Yesterday a neighbour called over to our house
He was carrying a little bottle
He explained that it was holy water that he and his wife had brought back from Lourdes
'It's for you' he said
I was a bit taken a back
Why would I need holy water?
I am not in the slightest bit religious
Then I remembered that this was the same man that sent me a mass card when I was in hospital and had the whole parish praying for me
Now it made sense
He is offering me holy water because I am 'sick'
I thanked him politely
'How are you?' he asked
This is the discreet way of asking me do I still starve myself
'I'm really well, thank you' I replied
'You know you really have improved a lot' he said
Translation: You have a bit of meat on your bones now
I smiled and pretended that I didn't want to strangle him
That's me being a smart arse
It was actually really thoughtful of him to drop the holy water off
Off he went and I went inside to douse myself in the stuff (Me being a smart arse again)

So I've been getting a lot of these sort of comments recently

'You look really well'

'You look so healthy'

'Have you been away? You have a great colour'

'You have a glow about you'

Your eyes look brighter'

'You look an awful lot better'

'You seem to be in such better form'

And so on and so on

Rewind 6 months and if someone had said anything like this to me I would have smiled on the outside
But really I wanted to land my fist in their forehead
Any comment about my appearance and I just couldn't handle it
Any positive comment about my improved appearance and I immediately thought that I had gained weight
I couldn't stand the comments
And I couldn't stand myself

I remember when I was in hospital last year
One of the nurses who had seen me a few years ago in a previous admission and an incredibly low weight, commented that I looked really well
I just wanted to sign myself out there and then
If I looked well I wasn't sick
If I wasn't sick why was I in hospital?
There must be nothing wrong with me
I am an anorectic imposter
That is the way my thinking went

But as I have been getting more and more of these comments
I realise that people genuinely want to give a compliment
They want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I can see now that back then, even though my weight had improved, my thinking hadn't
I didn't look anorexic
But I felt it
And so all these people presuming that because I looked better, I must be better, drove me bananas

The difference this time is that something in my head has shifted
My thinking
My beliefs
My thoughts
My perception of myself
8 months ago the slightest little thing triggered me
I couldn't look at a skinny girl without vowing never to eat again
I could read someone's weight without immediately comparing it to my own
Thinking about recovery made me feel guilty
I felt like if I recovered then I was a failed anorectic

But something, and I'm not entirely sure what it is, has changed
I feel different and I can't quite put my finger on what it is
It has been a gradual process
And it's an ongoing process
I am right at the start of my recovery
My body is still in the process of recovery
It will probably take months or years to recover
It could take a life time for my mind to recover
If it recovers at all

I know a huge change has been my mood
Praise the Lord my mood has lifted
I was in such a dark dark place for the longest time
A place where death seems like a good option
Where sleep is the only escape
Where nothing matters
Where you can't find anything to give a fuck about
Where time stands still
Where you spend your days marching from the kitchen to the bathroom
Where life seems like a prison sentence
You know what I'm talking about

Soon after I started taking Prozac things began to change
It was like the fog in my mind cleared and I could see for the first time in a long time
The monkey on my back let go
But it wasn't just the Prozac
I started to see my friends again
I went to meetings
I started to write and write and write
I felt like I had woken up from a deep slumber
Like I was alive again

It's like now I am seeing life through a different lens
A more positive lens
Now I see the good before I see the bad
I see the light instead of the dark
And I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is

I really believed that I was a lost cause
That there was no hope for people like me
But I am here to tell you that there is
There is always hope
Always
My old sponsor used to say to me

'Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle'

I used to wonder what the heck she was talking about
Now I know
Now I understand

My miracle is happening
And just in the nick of time

Your story

I've been thinking about setting up a page for readers stories
A place where you can share your own story of your eating disorder or addiction or mental health issues
Or your life story
A place where you can be heard
Where others can read and relate and realise that they are not alone
Like a meeting point where we can gather and support each other
Is this something you would be interested in?
Would you submit a story?
Would you like to read stories of others in similar situations?
Please do let me know what you think
Or if you have any similar ideas
I just really feel the need to take action at the moment
You know?

Honey's new bestfriend

My good friend and her daughter called out to see me yesterday
It was lovely
I don't get many visitors here so it was so nice to have them
My friends daughter really wanted to see Honey and Lea
Honey took an immediate shine to her
She followed her around and kept licking her face
It was so cute
They are now firm friends
Lea was a a different story
She became quite territorial and I was quite nervous of her around my friends daughter
Lea had a ball and got very annoyed when we tried to take it off her
She even had a go at Honey
And in the end I had to put her in the car to calm down a bit
I'm not sure why Lea was like this
Usually she is so gentle and kind
But because she is so big I had to be careful
In the end we had a lovely time
Here are some photos......

Weight progress

I met a friend from treatment yesterday
I hadn't seen her in a few weeks
So I had prepared her for the fact that I had gained weight
I was nervous to meet her
Afraid of what she would think of my weigh gain
She laughed when she saw me
She said that she could see no weight gain
And I trust this girl
She wouldn't lie to me
Part of me was relieved
But another part of me was frustrated
I have re-gained weight
That is a fact
The scale doesn't lie
But everyone around me insists that they can't see it
I can
Why can't they?

My friend said that I look great
It's hard to hear that
Because that means I am getting better
That means that I am further away from my eating disorder
That is hard to take and I am not entirely sure why
You would think that I would be glad to see the back of it
But instead it makes me sad
Like I am grieving for the loss of it

I am still getting used to my new body
Thankfully I have clothes in every size under the sun so I am prepared for every eventuality
Most of my 'anorectic' clothes still fit
They just fit differently
I am so used to my clothes being baggy
I don't like it when they fit snugly
I have a favourite pair of anorectic jeans
I bought them in France
They are teeny tiny
At my lowest weight I had to hold them up with a belt
I love them because the denim is so soft
But I don't wear them anymore
They still fit
But now they hug my figure and I don't like it

I deliberately got a tan this summer
I just think that brown flabby skin looks better than white flabby skin
It's making it bearable to be this weight
Sometimes I am ok with the weight
And sometimes I just want to unzip my skin and step out of it
I feel so different
Now I feel just like any other normal girl
There is nothing different or spectacular about me
I guess that is one of the reasons I held on to my illness
Because it made me different
I liked being different
I don't like being average
I don't like being just another face in the crowd

Every day I fight the temptation to restrict
To lose weight
To fall head first down the rabbit hole
I may have another relapse in me
But I don't have another recovery
Relapse takes so much out of me
Whether it is drugs, drink or my eating disorder
It's mentally and physically exhausting
And  it's so hard to come back from that

When I was chatting to my friend the other night, I asked her of she thought she would ever use again
She said that she didn't have another relapse in her
That it would kill her
I was honest
I admitted that part of me thought I had another round of addiction in me
That I may relapse
I really shouldn't think that way because what we believe we manifest
But I have to be honest
Part of me thinks that when I parents die I will head for oblivion again
I don't want to
But I don't know if I will be able to stop myself

As for my eating disorder
I know that can sneak up on me
And I'm not aware of it until I am in it up to my neck
I need to find more reasons to recover
To live
I need to have people in my life that I want to live for
I need to have a purpose
A raison d'etre
Like armour against my demons
Does that makes sense?
I need to feel useful
I need places to go
People to see
Obligations to fulfil
I need to fill the hole that my ED and my addiction have left

For homework for my mindfulness course I have to write my ideal life story
An essay of the way I would love my life to be
I don't want much
I just want to feel peace of mind
I want to feel that I want to live
And I don't want to die
I want to feel able to live in reality
To be able to cope without resorting to drink or drugs or food
I want to love and be loved
I want to have many animals
I want to help others
I want to work at a job that I love
I want  to laugh loads
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
To accept my body
To accept and like myself
Flaws and all
I don't want much
Just a life that I can bear
A life that I don't want to numb
A life that makes me happy

Anyway I digress
Here is my weight progress.............

March 6th 2014

May 15th 2014

June 21st 2014

Over to you......

Apologies for the over load of posts the last couple of weeks
I know I am posting every single day
Sometimes twice a day
I just have so much going on in my head at the moment
There are so many thoughts
So much white noise
And the only effective way to relieve this is to write
To get it out of my head and down on paper (or computer)
I hope you understand

So I've been thinking
This blog gets quite a lot of hits every day
Between 500 - 800 every day
And only a very small percentage of these actually leave a comment
I know quite a few of you that read and comment
But there must be so many that I don't know
You all know so much about me
I don't censor my blog in any way
I write like no one is reading
But I would like to know about you
What's your name?
Where are you from?
How long have you been reading?
How did you find this blog?

I would love to know some tid bits of information about you
Anything at all
What you look like
If you have an eating disorder or some other mental health issue
Do you have any pets?
Do you work?
What age are you?

So today I invite you to get in touch
I would really love to hear from you
Whether you have read from the start
Or if you are a new reader
Maybe you drop by from time to time
Maybe you've never commented before
Maybe you don't like me or my blog
Maybe you are going through similar things to me
Maybe you are in recovery
Maybe not
Maybe you can relate
Who ever you are
Where ever you are from
Do let me know
I am always curious as to who reads this blog
And comments truly make my day
It blows my mind that people all around the world read my words and leave messages of hope and love
I'll look forward to hearing from you
Over to you............

Comfortably numb

My friend and I went to our mindfulness course last night
It seems that everyone except me is having these profound experiences
Everyone is learning
And growing
Coming back week after week with little miracles that have happened in their life due to practising mindfulness
I feel a bit left out
Like everyone has joined this amazing spiritual club and I haven't been invited
It's not like I haven't been trying
I really have
I have been meditating
Practising love and kindness
And nothing
I don't feel any different
I still feel anxious
I still feel like a mental basket case
Why is nothing happening for me?

I was talking with my friend after the course
She seems to be getting a lot out of the course
Over the last while she has come on leaps and bounds recovery and spiritually wise
We had a really honest chat
She also has a really good sponsor
And that has helped her massively
I told her that I think my medication is a big barrier in my life
That I don't feel like I am really clean and sober
And I don't
The feeling I get off my meds, even when I take the correct, dose is the same feeling I used to get from heroin
It reminds of that sleepy, dozy feeling
With my meds I can zone out when ever I want
I can check out of reality
Opt out of life for a few hours
I suspect this is why I am not getting more out of the course

It all boils down to one thing
Do I want to be clean and sober?
Am I willing to give up all mind altering substances?
Am I willing to surrender myself to a higher power?
And turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him
I do  and I don't want to be clean and sober
Most of the time I do
But then there are times when I just want out
I want to sleep
I want to be numb
There are times when I just can't handle reality and everything that comes with it
But in the same breath I know that I can't have both
I can't have recovery and still misuse my meds
I can't have my cake and eat it

If I am honest I know that I am on too much meds
I don't need them all
If any of them
They are a nice little cushion to protect me from the big bad world

My friend is also a recovering addict and also has an ED
She told me that things only began to improve for her when she stopped running
Stopped trying to hide
When she got completely honest with herself
It's been a pattern in my life that I get on top of one addiction
And quickly replace it with another
I look at my friend and I want what she has
Peace of mind
Contentment
Her life is not perfect
But she is better equipped to deal with life
Ans she lives life on life's terms
She truly is in recovery

I know that I need to address my meds situation if I want to move on
In less than  a year I will be off methadone completely
And I need to be prepared for that
I need to have other coping methods in place
Before it's too late

We have homework this week
I have to name 5 issues in my life that I need to address
Here are mine

1. - Medication
2. - Food issues
3. - Finances
4. - Relationship with my nephew
5. - Independence

Then name 3 things that will happen in one year if I don't

1. - I could die
2. - I could suffer major health problems
3. - I could relapse

It really is quite scary to realise the consequences that could happen as a result of my behaviour
Even though things have improved recently
I still have an awful lot of work to do
My food is better but there are still issues that I need to address
My ED still has a certain hold over me
And so does my addiction


I was wondering about you
What are 5 issue in your life that need to be addressed?
What will happen if you don't address them?
Answers on a postcard please........

The Fat Feeling

I'm just back from seeing Mary
I was kind of dreading today's appointment as I knew I would be weighed
You would think that being weighed so much that it would get easier
But it doesn't
If anything it gets harder and harder

I walked in to her room and saw the black and white scales in the corner of the room
'Have you been weighing yourself?' She asks me
'No'
'Why not?'
'I'm afraid that I've gained a lot'
'Well let's see shall we'

I thought about just flat refusing to stand on the scale
I thought about stamping my foot like a 2 year old and saying-
'No I won't do it and you can't make me'
But instead I was a good little recovering anorectic and obediently took my jacket and shoes off
Mary tapped the scale and I waited for it to go to zero
I held my breath as if the air in my lungs would effect the number
I didn't look
I couldn't bring myself to

'How much do you think you've gained' She asks
'About 2 or 3 kilos' I replied
In actual fact I hadn't gained a thing
Go figure

This continues to baffle me
How I can be so sure
So positive that I've gained weight
So sure that I would bet my life on it
And when I stand on the scales there is no change
Why is this?
I mean I know it's part of the disorder
I know it's part and parcel of living with an eating disorder
But I fall for the fat feeling every time

My weight seems to be evening out now
It's been the same for about 3 weeks
I'm not 100% comfortable with it
But I am getting there
I'm ok with my weight staying as it is now
But any higher and I will not be happy
I can cope with this size
I can still fit in to my clothes
Albeit they are a bit tighter and that takes some getting used to
They're not too small
I was just so used to everything being baggy on me that fitted clothes now feel strange

Mary asked me if I am body checking
I suppose I am
I always zone in on the parts of my body that I don't like
My tummy
My thighs
My boobs have gotten a lot bigger since I've gained weight and that is very strange
I'm  not quite sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing

That is the cruel thing about this illness
We never get to enjoy our thinness because we never believe that we are thin enough
That seems pretty unfair to me
Anorexia is a thankless job
There is very little pay off for all the hard work that goes in to it
There's comes a point when you are putting all this energy in your ED
But you're getting very little in return
This is when I started questioning it

I told Mary that I feel like recovery is happening to me
Almost in spite of me
A lot of the time I don't feel like a willing participant
It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm not in control of what is happening
Mary said that of course I was in control
That recovery does not just happen

It was a good session with Mary
These sessions are precious now as she is leaving September 1st
I feel so lucky that I had the chance to work with her
She came in to my life exactly when I needed her
And it's so good that things are going well now
And she gets to see that

It was only 3 short months ago that I sat in her office crying my heart out because I had overdosed and wanted to do it again
That seems like a life time ago now
And I am aware that if I don't keep things together that I could be back there very easily
Being on my own the past couple of weeks has shown me that I can slip back very quickly
They say that integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is watching
I haven't had much integrity recently
When I am left to my own devices I press the big self destruct button
I can't help myself

Exhibit A: I am not supposed to smoke in the living room which is a reasonable request
However this week, because there is no one else here, I have been smoking in there
And now I feel really crappy for doing this

Exhibit B: The never ending medication saga
Again because there was no one else here I misused my meds
And again I feel really guilty for doing so

I guess that's a good thing that I feel bad about it
I guess that means that I have a conscience
I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
But I tend to sabotage things for myself
Why?
God only knows

Now I have to tackle food again
I am not eating meals at all
I am just snacking all the time
A biscuit here
A cracker there
There is no routine
No consistency
I'm not really enjoying food at the moment
And I want to
Food is meant to be enjoyed

With all this said, I was wondering about you
Do you experience the fat feeling?
How do you deal with it?
Do you think that body checking is a help or a hindrance?